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Barbatos Has Left the Chat

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It's been a couple hundred thousands of years, and Barbatos doesn't know how much longer he can bear it. Diavolo's longing looks and excessive compliments are getting nowhere, considering how Lucifer is just that emotionally constipated. Perhaps it's time that he steps out of watching from the sidelines, to move this pathetic excuse of a relationship forward. Barbatos figures that if he doesn't do anything about this, then the two demons (who in his honest opinion just need to fuck already), will be stuck in this eternal place of 'will they or won't they?' Honestly, Barbatos thinks with pity as he witnesses another one of Diavolo's failed attempts of wooing Lucifer, you'd think after all this time the Lord of Demons would learn something by now. And thus, Barbatos' "Get the two idiot demons together" plan is born.

*

Perhaps enlisting the help of Lucifer's brothers was not the brightest idea, Barbaros muses. After informing the brothers of The Situation™, they were all too eager to help. Apparently they were also sick and tired of Lucifer dodging Diavolo's advances. So of course, with the collective brain power they had (which in Barbatos' honest opinion, is not much, Lucifer was obviously the brains of the group), he and the demon brothers come up with the idea to use Satan's book. Once two people touch the book, they switch bodies with one another. The plan seemed to work in theory, Satan would switch bodies with Lucifer, confess his undying love to Diavolo, and all would be well in the Devildom. But of course, hindsight is 20-20, as Barbatos is quick to learn.

"Are you sure this will work?" he asks Satan skeptically, "I know Lord Diavolo seems carefree, but he's smarter than you think."

"Oh please Barbatos, don't worry, I bet Diavolo will be so lovestruck he won't even be able to tell the difference," Satan replies.

And so the plan is set in motion. It goes well at first, the body switching happening without a hitch, and Mammon and Levi manage to distract Lucifer, luring him away from Satan. All that needs to happen now is for Satan to convince Diavolo that Lucifer is also madly in love with him, and Barbatos can finally rest easy. Except... Barbatos didn't foresee that Satan may still have something against Lucifer, and is now using the fact that he's inhabiting his body to his total advantage. Barbatos can only watch on in horror as the scene unfolds before him.

"Hey Diavolo," Satan purrs in a tone Barbatos has never heard Lucifer make before. "I... have to tell you something, I can't hold it back any longer! I love you Diavolo, and want you to take me all night long, until I can't even walk the next day!"

Barbatos is totally letting Cerebus have a go at Satan as soon as this spell wears off. What was he thinking? Letting Satan play Lucifer was a total mistake, goddamn even Mammon would have tried harder. He holds his breath as he watches the pair from a distance, wishing that somehow this ridiculous plan worked.

"Ahem," Diavolo coughs, a light dust of pink forming on his cheeks, "as much as I would love to "take Lucifer all night long", what are you doing in his body, Satan?"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm Lucifer, I'm just coming to my senses, is all," Satan quips back, and Barbatos can't help but slap his forehead.

As if things can't get any worse, he catches a flash of white and blue hair running past him, screaming unintelligibly. Lucifer is hot on their tail behind him, anger radiating off of him as he chases them. He only slows down once he catches sight of Satan and Diavolo.

"Lord Diavolo, Lucifer, apologies for that," Lucifer clears his throat, "as you can see Mammon and Levi were causing up trouble again."

Closing his eyes and grinning, Diavolo laughs, "Oh Lucifer, it's quite alright.".

"W-what? How did you know it was me?" Lucifer asks surprised.

"I could never forget what my Lucifer sounds like, even if he's in a different body," Diavolo chuckles. Barbatos doesn't miss Lucifer flushing a light pink and stores that information away for future use. "And besides," Diavolo continues, "your brother here made it quite obvious with, erm, what he said to me."

Barbatos quickly makes an exit, wanting to leave before he can witness yet another one of Lucifer's rampages.

*

Ok, so the first plan was a fail, but Barbatos is not giving up yet. He will get those two together, just they wait. Not wanting to completely dismiss the demon brothers, he asks for their assistance once again. This time, they're going to try a more subtle approach. The plan is for Mammon to post a picture of Beelzebub's abs in their demon brother group chat. Then, the rest of the brothers will gear the conversation towards how they've rarely seen Lucifer outside of his formal attire. Then, this will in turn cause Lucifer to remember that time the three of them went to the beach, where Diavolo took that shirtless photo of Lucifer. This will cause Lucifer to panic and reach out to Diavolo first asking him to delete that photo, thus causing sparks to fly, and boom! The two end up together. It seems convoluted and unnecessarily complicated, but Lucifer is also an unnecessarily complicated demon, so Barbatos reasons that this has a better chance of working.

As Barbatos texts Mammon to beging plan number two, he can't help but wonder why he doesn't just use his powers to help get the two together. But, as his D.D.D rings with a new message, he can't supress the widening grin on his face. He supposes that this is more fun.

*
"Diavolo, do you remember that time where we went to the beach together?"

"Yes I do, it was quite a fun time."

"Ah, yes well do you remember that photo you took of me? It was when I told you how you can take photos on your D.D.D."

"You mean this one?"

"..Yes, no need to send it to me. It's just, my brothers are scouting around for photos of me shirtless for some strange reason."

"Ah, so I should send it to them immediately?"

"NO! I DON'T want you to send it to them, I'm just saying if they ask you, say that you don't have any."

"But Lucifer it's such a nice photo! Ah, but if you wish I'll keep quiet."

"Thank you."

"I still have that photo of you in that Queen Rose costume by the way."

"What?! I thought I told you to get rid of it!"

"But Lucifer, when will the opportunity ever come again?"

"Delete it now!"

"Diavolo answer me!"

"Just you wait tomorrow I'm going to stand there and watch as you delete that photo right in front of my own eyes!"

*

Barbatos sighs in frustration, what does he have to do to get through Lucifer's thick, prideful skull? As smart and powerful Lucifer is, the demon can't seem to get the idea that Diavolo's love for him is genuine, and not a ploy to keep Lucifer bound to him. He's pretty sure that Lucifer feels some inkling of attraction towards the other demon, if the way he was standing so close to Diavolo yesterday was any indication. Although, Barbatos supposes that was due to Lucifer making sure that Diavolo really did delete that Queen Rose photo. But still. Lucifer didn't have to crowd up in Diavolo's space to do that.

Anyways, Barbatos is done playing games. No more Mr. Nice Guy, no more subtlety. Lucifer's asked for it, Barbatos thinks as he heads to the study, where he knows that's where Lucifer hides so he can text Diavolo in peace. It's insulting, how Lucifer thinks he's being clever by doing so. As if Lord Diavolo doesn't show Barbatos every text, anguishing over what to say next. He may just be a servant, but that doesn't mean he's afraid of knocking Lucifer down a peg or two.

Barbatos swings open the door to the study, catching Lucifer by surprise. As expected, his D.D.D is in his hands, and if he squints really hard he can see Diavolo's icon on the screen.

"Barbatos, is something the matter?" Lucifer asks, shocked.

"No, just wanted to see what you were up to, it seems Lord Diavolo is busy at the moment," Barbatos pulls a chair up next to Lucifer. "So who are you texting?"

"Oh!" Lucifer shows his screen to reveal the group chat between the three of them, "I'm just congratulating Lord Diavolo on his ranking in the popularity contest, it seems he's number one which is unsurprising."

"Ah I see," Barbatos replies as he sees Diavolo respond.


"Congratulations on placing first in the popularity poll."

"Thank you Lucifer, it's all thanks to you that I achieved this."

"If it weren't for your magnificent work at making sure I maintained a good image, I wouldn't have been number one."

"I really am lucky to have you by my side, Lucifer. I cherish your presence everyday, others would be envious that I have someone like you with me."

Smirking at Diavolo's overly cheesy response, he steals a glance at Lucifer, whose face has flushed a bright pink. This is going to be easier than he thought.

"Aren't you going to respond?" Barbatos asks innocently.

"...erm, oh yes, I suppose I can't keep Lord Diavolo waiting." Lucifer coughs, blush still sitting high on his cheeks.

"Lord Diavolo, this is all too much. I'm feeling overwhelmed reading all this praise. Surely I don't merit receiving this much credit."

Barbatos wants to bang his head on the wall. Why won't he just take it!! This is getting really old. Lucifer. is. blushing! Blushing from Diavolo's praise and the dimwit still won't admit his feelings. Honestly, Barbatos has never felt so personally insulted on another's behalf before. Now he knows why Diavolo always looks at Lucifer with those sad puppy dog eyes when he's not looking. Jesus Christ. A short 'ping' brings him out of his internal rage, ah, Diavolo's responded.

"Would you rather I say it in person then?"

"No... that won't be necessary, I'm saying I don't deserve all this praise is all."

"But that's where you're wrong Lucifer, my bright Morningstar."

"Even when I first saw you, I could tell your radiance was overpowering, how your beautiful power could rival a king's. When are you going to see it?"

"Surely the Demon of Pride would be a bit more arrogant of their own abilities. But I suppose your pride is in how long you can keep pushing away appropriately given praise."

"Which makes you even more fascinating, if I'm being completely honest."

Barbatos can't help the shit eating grin on his face as he looks from the phone to Lucifer. If the demon was a light pink before, he's a burning red now. It really is a funny sight to behold, how his somewhat dorky Lord Diavolo is able to make Lucifer burn a bright red like those blushing school girls that Levi tells him about.

"Don't look at me like that," Lucifer quips.

"I'm just smiling, I didn't know that was an offense," Barbatos teases, "so are you going to tell him you love him?"

Sucking in a breath, Lucifer chokes out, "Excuse me? Love?"

"You heard me," Barbatos replies, patience wearing thin. "I personally think it's time you stop dodging the poor demon's advances and actually make a move. It's only been hundreds of thousands of years, I mean honestly, it's getting a little boring."

"W-what? Advances? You mean Lord Diavolo? I don't love him, we're only so close because of the agreement we made."

Sighing through his nose, Barbatos closes his eyes and counts to ten. He can't believe he gave Lucifer the title of being the brains among the brothers. "So you're saying you don't feel anything at all? Not even a tiny bit? You can't say no, you haven't stopped blushing since he's replied."

"But... wouldn't this make things difficult?"

"What's making things difficult is you refusing to remove that lunk of wood in your eyes to see that Lord Diavolo truly, genuinely loves you!" Barbatos glares at the demon, and pulls out his phone, typing furiously. "Now, I am not leaving until you confess to Diavolo and trust me Lucifer, I have the patience that rivals that of a saint, you don't want to test me."

Lucifer gulps, and starts typing.

*

If the two are seen going out on a dinner date the next day, with Lord Diavolo smiling brightly while dragging along a shy, blushing Lucifer, Barbatos just makes a mental reminder to not bother them for the next 72 hours. After all, they've got a lot of catching up to do.

*

Barbatos: "It seems that I'm intruding on something personal, let me make things easier for the both of you :)"

Barbatos has left the chat