Work Header

I've got a boner to pick with you

Work Text:

It had been a week since the Long Night and Jaime was blessedly alone in Winterfell’s hot springs, scrubbing himself down and trying not to think about Brienne. That was a fool’s quest, of course. He’d been thinking about Brienne since the Dragonpit, on his long journey from King’s Landing, every minute of the battle against the dead, and every second since. There was to be a celebratory feast that night now that seven days of mourning had passed and he hoped...he didn’t know, but he wanted to be clean for it.

There was a gruff voice a distance away and then Tormund Giantsbane sauntered in naked as his name day, still looking half a corpse from his wounds and half a giantess’ teat-sucker from his boasting. Uch, Jaime thought, scrubbing harder. What a detestable oaf. Tormund’s one redeeming quality was his appreciation of Brienne and even that Jaime would have sliced out of him without a second thought if it meant the wildling would leave her alone.

“Kingkiller,” Tormund boomed, coming to a halt at the edge of the hot spring, his hands planted on his hips, his legs spread wide, his cock-- well, the less Jaime thought about that, the better. But it was hard to keep his eyes focused entirely on Tormund’s face when the man started wiggling it around. “Never seen one this big before, eh?”

“I haven’t. In my experience, assholes tend to be smaller and puckered.”

Jaime watched that slowly work its way through Tormund’s brain until he turned as red as his beard.

“Fuck you,” Tormund said and then he got into Jaime’s hot spring even though there were two other empty ones.

“What are you doing?” Jaime asked, scooting back, getting ready to pull himself out of the water. The man could likely drown him, especially if he were angry.

“I’m bathing.”

“Choose another bath.”

“I like this one.” He sank down to his neck and groaned uncomfortably loud.

“Shall I leave you alone? You seem like you’re having a private moment.”

Tormund grunted. It didn’t help. “Still thinking about my giant cock, are you, Kingkiller?”

“Oh for the gods’ sake, it’s not that big.”

“Says who?”

“Says me, another cock-having man.”

“Let’s see it then.”

Jaime stared at him. “Excuse me?”

“We can get the big woman to judge, let her pick between us that way.”

In that second Jaime was pretty sure he could drown Tormund, too, and they’d all be better for it. But he wasn’t sure if Brienne liked the man or not, and he didn’t want to kill one of her friends out of...whatever.

“We are not going to bring Lady Brienne in to judge a...a cock-measuring contest.”

“’Lady Brienne.’ So fancy, Kingkiller. Just because you knighted her doesn’t make her yours.”

“She’s not yours either,” Jaime said between clenched teeth. “She belongs to herself.”

“Fine, then we’ll compare between ourselves, though I don’t trust you to be honest.”

"Fine,” Jaime said. He’d seen Tormund already, he knew it was no contest. It would be worth it to shut the man up, though gods willing, Brienne would never hear a word of this.

Tormund stood, the water falling off of him, and he climbed back out of the hot spring. “Come on then, little man. Let’s see you.”

What in the seven hells am I doing? Jaime wondered as he stood, too, shivering in the still-wintry air of the North. He hoped he wasn’t losing any length due to shrinkage, especially since the wildling was probably used to it.

Gods, he fucking hated the North.

Tormund was staring intently at his cock, and Jaime - not knowing what else to do - thrust his hips forward a little to better show it off.

“Hm,” the other man said, looking down at his own, and then back at Jaime’s. “Come closer, I can’t tell from there.”

“You can’t be serious, I’m clearly bigger,” Jaime protested, gesturing between the two of them. “You’re barely a hands-length.”

“We can’t tell for sure unless you get closer.”

Jaime was genuinely concerned the other man might try to rip his balls off if he did, but he moved a little closer, still two arms’ lengths away from Tormund. Now that he was nearer, though, it was impossible to deny Jaime's advantage, and Jaime grinned triumphantly at the wildling.

Tormund rubbed his beard, looked back down at himself, and then shrugged. “Fair enough, Kingkiller. You’ve beat me - barely." Jaime scoffed. "I didn’t think they made cocks like that down south.”

Feeling far more proud of his accomplishment than he had any right to, Jaime puffed up and, just for good measure, wiggled his own cock a little at Tormund. “Don’t feel bad, Giantsbane, there are no cocks like mine.”

That was when Podrick walked in, also naked, and stopped to gape at them and they gaped at him in return.

Pod looked down at himself, then at the two of them, and then shrugged, smiling a little. "I guess I win," he said, climbing into the hot spring and sighing contentedly.