Nitta and Konno sat side by side, shoulder to shoulder, leaning on one another. This cozily cramped apartment was filled with a pleasantly pungent aroma. It clung to the air, mingling with a gentle breeze that drifted in through an opened window.
They both appeared to be catching their breaths; sweat glistening from their brows, down to their toes. In yet, each of them wore an expression that could only be bliss—and also exhaustion. Contentment. An afterglow.
Konno smiled absentmindedly, relishing in the feel of tangled sheets, which were cool and soft against his skin. His heart thumped a little faster when he suddenly felt the touch of lips brushing against his collarbone, slowly grazing along his neck up to his cheek.
He turned his head to the side, and there was Nitta—looking right at him—and there he tasted Nitta on his tongue once again. There was nothing passionate about this kiss they were sharing—it was more of a lazy kiss, slow and tender. As if they were appreciating each other’s presence through this kiss, savoring this intimate sensation. Making it last. In the back of his mind, Konno wondered if he’ll ever get used to this—or will it always make him desperate? No matter how rough or languid the kiss, it was Nitta’s mouth on his. Nitta’s tongue inside—Nitta’s tongue outside, tracing the corners of his lips.
They pulled away at the same time, staring into each other’s eyes for a while, letting a comfortable silence wash over them. The distant, yet ever present sounds of city nightlife made up for the lack of conversation. Konno was beginning to get used to this, at least.
Then, there was a click and spark. Nitta had lit a cigarette and wordlessly offered one to Konno, who accepted it gratefully with a grin. But before he took a hit of the nicotine, he watched Nitta out of the corner of his eye, somehow attracted to the way he held the cigarette between his fingers, gazing at the wisps of smoke that complimented the shadows under his eyes.
Just when Konno was about to open his mouth to say something, something that even he would admit to be trivial, Nitta trampled on that opportunity in a low voice.
"I killed for him."
The words fell like a plate, the syllables scattering like shattered glass. Konno frowned in confusion, waiting to see if Nitta was going to elaborate on that—that phrase that seemed so out of place.
Nitta wasn’t looking at him, nor anything else. Not anymore. He sat hunched over, cigarette in hand. Ashes were falling to the bed.
Konno noticed this, and hastily brought the ashtray from to the floor over to Nitta.
Finally, Nitta’s voice returned, and Konno was ready to listen.
"Remember, back then…I told you I was involved with some shady people, right? Had some unsavory friends. And you asked me what I did in the group. Well..."
There was another pause, but it wasn’t as long as the first. Nitta took a drag from his smoke, letting it all haze out with a sigh.
The name made Konno wince unconsciously. He himself didn’t understand why. But Nitta had said it flatly.
"One time, he wanted this one guy dead—out of the picture. Didn’t know how serious his grudge was, but I carried out his wish. He watched me beat this guy to death in an alleyway somewhere."
Konno refrained from interrupting, even when it became quiet and unbearable. Nitta was relaying all this bit by bit, and it sounded as if he were just recounting someone else’s experiences.
"I remember…feeling excited, being watched by him. I punched harder and faster—more precise than ever. I wanted him to be, I dunno—impressed, I guess. He just stood there behind me, smiling as I shoved this guy to hereafter."
Konno continued to listen intently. Nitta’s state of mind, as usual, was difficult to decipher. However, Konno’s blood ran cold when he realized that Nitta was trembling. Slightly. And ever so slightly, his voice changed.
"…After that, he—we fucked in that very same alleyway. Not a care in the world. The guy was still there, too."
Not once has Nitta ever sounded so…hesitant, but he was still relentlessly blunt. He almost seemed ashamed, but it was hard to tell. Konno didn’t dare take his eyes off Nitta for even a second. He felt an irritating pang of jealousy that he promptly ignored. Nitta never spared a glance, as if trying to become the very wall he leaned on, facing forward, always.
"Gondo had me up against the wall, where he jerked me off. The guy was right at my feet, passed out. He wasn’t gonna make it, but…he wasn’t simply a thing yet…"
Nitta’s voice was increasingly becoming more gravelly as he went on, and Konno had to strain his ears.
"In yet…he made me jizz right on his face, already distorted enough to be indistinguishable…bloody with bruises and broken teeth."
Gondo had licked off the blood that wasn’t even his, right off his cheek. Whispering praises, and Nitta took to them like drug addicts took pills.
The bitterness in Nitta’s voice was now unmistakable. It was quiet, but strong with regrettable clarity. Having being around Nitta for quite some time now, Konno was able to find disgust and dismay hidden beneath that expressionless exterior. Konno grimaced, trying hard not to imagine that man in the alleyway.
Nitta looked like he was about to keel over. No doubt he was feeling drained from talking way more than he was used to, but it’s never easy bringing up a past tainted with sin.
"I didn’t feel bad. Not even as I was moaning his name, not even as I stared down at that dude’s face, punctured and splattered with cum. But…never in my life had I felt more low than at that point. I was just a toy and a weapon for him.”
A deafening silence. There was silence. A police’s siren somewhere, somewhere far. Near. A car. A garbage can falling over. His own heartbeat—
Konno bit his lip, wanting nothing more than to reach out to him—he hesitated. He hesitated, even though Nitta looked like he was about to crumble any minute. There was a million things he could say, that he wished to convey, but the words weren’t easy to grasp. But when his hand was in the air, unsure of what to do, Nitta grabbed onto it like a lifeline, bringing it to his face.
"Dunno why I told you all that, but…"
Nitta said that in a whisper and trailed off, closing his eyes, unable to keep them open anymore. His cheek rubbed the back of Konno’s hand. Konno caressed him in response, chuckling under his breath. That made Nitta quirk one eye open.
"Your vocal cords must be screaming right now. Or has my talkativeness rubbed off on you? Anyway. You know…You’re not just someone’s object, Nitta. You don’t belong to anybody, I don’t care what they say. You’re you! You belong to you! In the past, you may have felt purpose belonging to someone else, but now you’re not bound by his chains."
It was only a mere fragment of all he wanted to say to Nitta, but nevertheless, he spoke his mind while holding Nitta’s hand. Only more silence followed.
"Uh…Maybe I talk too much…"
At some point during Konno’s pent up spiel, Nitta’s head plopped down on Konno’s shoulder. When there was no reply, Konno was certain Nitta had literally fallen asleep on him. He felt a huge, exasperated sigh coming on, but then—
"You do talk too much. It must be contagious…"
With that, Konno glared into the darkness, tempted to just push him away, but…but he could have sworn he heard a smile in that drowsy voice of his. Sure enough, that smile was contagious even if it was left unseen. In the end, he couldn't suppress his sigh, nor could he suppress the overwhelming urge to hold Nitta in his arms.
—I wouldn't mind belonging to you, you know…