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I don’t say what I mean

I don’t mean what I say

It’s almost like it ain’t me that keep pushing you away

How many night have you laid here with me feeling like I left?

Waking up in a stranger’s bed

 

She walked through life in a zombie like state now. She didn’t know who she was or what she could do anymore. It was almost like she was watching a movie or playing a video game with herself as the character, so detached she was from everything. Every morning Emma would wake up and stare at the ceiling, she could hear movement downstairs, but didn’t have the strength to go investigate. She would get up and eat whatever Killian had made for the day, he would then sweep her away to his ship for a day of sailing, or to Granny’s diner to feed her, hoping for a reaction from her. She could see how hard he was trying to make everything alright, but it wasn’t, nothing was okay or fine or anything like that. She couldn’t bring herself to feel anymore, she never wanted to feel again. Her heart was hollow and throbbing in pain. And yet, there he stood, with breakfast in his hand and a determined glint in his eyes.

 

Don’t know how I got lost

I don’t know how to get back

Don’t know how you haven’t hit the door with your bags all packed

Every morning I hear you pray for the old me instead

Of waking up in a strangers bed

 

At night Killian would curl her into him, whispering words of comfort she couldn’t understand, sometimes when she woke up in the middle of the night she could hear him crying. She knew he was going through the same thing she was, the hurt, the pain, and she knew it must be just as bad for him with the way she was, but she couldn’t find her way back. Her body wouldn’t listen as she screamed and raged of the unfairness of everything in her life. She had been happy, though it seemed for just a few moments. When everything broke again she broke as well. A person can only be hit so many times before they can’t get back up. And yet Killian stayed. She marveled at his determination, he didn’t give up on her, and never seemed to be ready too. Even on her worst days, when she refused to get out of bed, he stayed. He read her books, told her stories of his adventures, fed her, brushed her hair, and let her sleep. He never left, even though she knew he should run far. Any of her past relationships would have.

 

I know I say too little, yeah I’m gone to much

I don’t even remember the last time we touched

Every night it’s like your sleeping with someone you’ve never met

And waking up in a strangers bed

 

It was a month after the devastation that she spoke again, simply to say she was hungry. He had stared at her like she told him there would never be winter again. Still, he didn’t push. He let her heal at her own pace and put off his own healing for the time. Three months after the worst day of her life, she asked him to take her to the cemetery and he balked, not wanting to lose all the progress they had made, but he saw a hint of the old Emma in there, the determined fierce warrior princess he had fallen in love with, so he acquiesced. The day was dull and cold, April hadn’t gotten the memo that it was supposed to be spring yet. A layer of snow coated the soft grass between graves, melting down the headstones like all the tears Emma wanted to cry. They made their way to a cherry tree, it had been planted last year, and surviving the winter proved it would stand for centuries. Near the base of the tree stood a tiny headstone, the last thing they had of their little girl. Three months early and too many complications led to where they stood now.

Avery Jones January 3rd – January 6th

Neither spoke, the wind blew the chilly air around them. When Emma’s cheeks numbed and her ears tingled she turned towards Killian. And saw that, like her, silent tears tracked down his face as he stared at the grave of his child, who hadn’t had the chance to live, to grow up, or even to know how much her parents adored her for the brief moment they’d had her. She took in the devastation on his face, his hand clenched at his side, trying to hide the tremors from her. When was the last time she had held his hand? The last time she had hugged him, or comforted him. She wasn’t the only one to lose something, to experience pain and suffering. Something in her, whatever had been holding her back from the real world, disappeared, she was free. Taking two steps toward his, she threw her arms around him and began to sob. His arms wrapped her tight, trying to protect her from the horrors of the world, and promising to be by her side through all of it. His sobs joined her and they finally cried out their pain and anger at the world, together.

 

I’m gonna run straight back to us, baby

No more same old someone else

Back to the one you used to love like crazy

Maybe you’ll save me from myself

When the sun comes around again

You won’t be waking up in a stranger’s bed

 

Things weren’t fixed immediately, she still struggled to get up in the morning, she still wished for all the pain to go away. Now she let him in, let him comfort and mourn with her. That piece of her that had gone with her baby wouldn’t disappear, but she believed it would heal, that he would heal it. Everyone called her the savior, meant to save them from the curse, meant to bring back all the happy endings, what they didn’t know was that he was her savior. Never once did it cross Killian’s mind to leave her alone, to let her suffer by herself. Never did he tell her that it was time to move on, how does one move on after the death of their child? Never did he make her feel like she was inadequate or dramatic for her reactions. He stood by her through everything, through the worst storms and harshest famines, he stood and promised her he’d always be right there. And she would fight for them too. If anything, these past few months had shown her just how hard she needed to fight her way back to him.

 

I remember the words that you haven’t hear for so long

You’re not gone yet

I’m gonna run straight back to us, baby

No more same old someone else

Back to the one you used to love like crazy

Maybe you’ll save me from myself

When the sun comes around again

You won’t be waking up in a stranger’s bed