Chapter One: Leaving This Behind
I just don't know what to do anymore. I find myself getting more and more agitated by the day. I have tried to deal with it on my own, believed it would pass within time like it has always done, but this time it would appear it is here to stay. I have tried not to show it around Dean, but I fear I am failing. I just don't know how to handle my own emotions anymore and it is really pissing me off. I am usually very level headed, but this has proven to be more than I can take.
As soon as we enter our hotel room I angrily throw my luggage down onto one of the beds. I can feel Dean's stare burning a hole into my back but I don't turn to face him and I don't offer an explanation for my actions. Instead, I head into bathroom and slam the door behind me. The sound of the slam even makes me flinch, so I can imagine what Dean must be thinking.
Turning to look at my reflection in the mirror, I let out a heavy sigh and grip onto the edge of the sink; turning my knuckles white. You're just under too much stress, I think to myself as I stare back at my reflection, you need to calm down.
I really am under too much stress; I just don't know how to relieve it. I am not taking my dad's death too well. Too many issues were left unresolved and the guilt for what I have said to him over the years is eating me alive. On top of that, these feelings that I harbor for my brother are getting harder to ignore. I find myself touching him a lot more than I used to and I know it is getting on his nerves. Also, the temptation to reach out and kiss him is getting harder to resist and I fear the repercussions if I finally give in.
I really need a break from hunting before I do something I can't take back. I don't know how to approach Dean with this, though. I highly doubt he will be too keen on the idea since it seems he can never just take a break and relax for a bit. Everything is just 'move along' with him and that isn't going to change.
I am startled when the door suddenly flies open and I glare at Dean, who is standing in the doorway. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks in a stern, no bull-shitting, tone of voice.
"Excuse me?" I gape at him, shocked and not too pleased with him for taking such a tone with me.
"You've been walking around here for the past two weeks like you have a stick up your ass. And to be honest, I'm not too happy with this attitude of yours. So just tell me what the hell is going on." Dean explains, but in an annoyed tone of voice.
"It's none of your business Dean, just let it go." I respond through clenched teeth before pushing my way past him.
"Sam, do you have feelings for me?"
This question stops me dead in my tracks and I slowly turn to face him. I am sure shock is evident on my features. "What? What would make you think that?"
"I'm not stupid Sam; I see the way you look at me. Also, you're not exactly quiet in your sleep." He says softly; serious expression on his face.
I am a little embarrassed to learn about this and all the possibilities of what I may have said in my sleep fill me with dread. So, instead of admitting to anything, I get defensive, "You're crazy Dean, I don't have feelings for you."
"It would be okay if you did Sam." Dean says in a surprisingly soothing tone.
"God, Dean that is just sick and wrong on some many different levels. You really think I'm like that? You're more fucked up in the head than I thought. I don't have feelings for you, you freak! Get that through your damn head!" I scream at him, even though I don't mean a word I am saying.
"Oh, so now I'm a freak?" He asks forcefully, obviously furious. "You can stay in denial if that's what you really want to do. But tell me, if that isn't what's bothering you then what the fuck is?"
"You really want to know Dean?" I ask as I step forward; directly in his face. "Fine, I'll tell you. I am sick and tired of hunting. This may be the life you chose, but I sure as hell didn't. I hate it! All I want is to live a normal life, but the world doesn't seem to be on my side. I don't particularly want to spend the rest of my life with your ass hunting demons and whatnot. I want to quit."
"Ignorance is bliss, ain't it Sammy?" is the only response I get from Dean, and it's like a switch has been flipped; I explode.
"You want to know the truth, asshole?" I practically sneer in his face, which is unusual for me. "I hate you Dean. God, I hate you so much."
When my words finally register in his mind a blank expression covers his facial features. He does this when he doesn't want anyone to know how he is feeling inside, but I can see the hurt shining in his eyes. I can't honestly say why I said those things to him either. Sure, I do get tired of hunting all the time, and I do wish I could lead a more stable life, but I enjoy spending time with my brother; would spend the rest of my life with him if I could. And I certainly don't hate him. This is something he has thought in the back of his mind, but it isn't true. In fact, I feel terrible about saying it because I know how much it had to have hurt him.
I watch silently as he wordlessly pushes past me; not even looking at me. A fearful feeling settles in the pit of my stomach as he picks up my duffel bag and back pack.
"If you want out so badly Sammy, if you hate me that much, then just go." He says as he thrusts my things into my arms; his movements angry and jerky. "No one's keeping you here. I will be just fine on my own!"
I want to apologize, I want to tell him that I don't hate him, that I don't want to leave him, but then a thought occurs to me. Maybe if I go away for a while I could get my head on straight and decide on what to do. I could probably use the time away so I can figure out what to do about these feelings I harbor for my brother, and I can also find a way to make this up to him. I know a simple, "I'm sorry" won’t make things right this time.
Looking down at my feet in shame, I whisper, "I guess I will be going then."
"Yeah, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." Dean grumbles as he flops down onto his bed, refusing to look at me.
Without another word, I leave the room and softly shut the door behind me. A weight as heavy as concrete settles over my heart as I walk away from the only person I have left, and I have a feeling it is here to stay.
Once I reach the bus station a block away from the motel, I pull out my cell phone and dial Bobby's number. I really hate to call so late, but I don't have any other options.
The sound of Bobby's grumpy, sleepy voice makes me chuckle despite the situation I have found myself in. "Hey Bobby, sorry for calling so late. Did I wake you?"
"Sam?" Bobby asks in concern, sounding more alert now. "What happened? Are you and Dean okay?"
I flinch at the mention of my brother but try not to let it show in my voice. "I will explain everything when I get there, but I was calling to see if I could stay with you for a while. Just long enough so I can figure out what I'm going to do."
"Yeah, of course, you're always welcome here." I can tell that he wants to know what is going on, but I am grateful for the fact that he isn't going to make me explain everything over the phone.
"Alright I will see you in a few hours. And Bobby, thanks a lot, I really appreciate the help."
"Yeah, yeah, just get your ass here."
Shutting the phone, I let out a sigh as I take a seat and wait for my bus to arrive.
The walk to Bobby's place was relatively short, and before long I find myself standing at his front door. The lights are on inside, so I know he is awake; probably never went back to sleep. I surely can't blame him; I had been rather vague on the phone and did nothing to calm his fears and concern. I feel really guilty about that, but I hadn't wanted to explain everything over the phone. Some things are just done better in person.
Bobby opens the door immediately after I knock and ushers me inside. He leads me into the kitchen, where I sit down at the table and he places a beer in front of me. I smile gratefully before taking a long swig of the bitter liquid.
"So, you wanna explain why you're here?" Bobby goes straight to the point. "Nothing happened to your brother, right?"
"No, nothing like that. Dean is fine, I promise. We did have an argument, though. Truths were revealed, some things were said that shouldn't have been, and now here I am." I respond, all the while staring down at the beer in my hands in shame.
"Now that's a way to be vague Sam." Bobby retorts sarcastically. "Care to explain what was said? And what exactly do you plan on doing now?"
"I told him that I don't want to hunt anymore, that I want a normal life. We argued a bit and I ended up saying something I didn't mean; something I regret. Please don't ask me to explain what I said, though, because I'm ashamed of what was said and need to find a way to apologize."
"Wasn't gonna ask, can already tell that it wasn't anything good." I can hear the disappointment in his voice, even though he doesn't know what exactly was said, and it just manages to make me feel worse.
"Needless to say, we parted ways." I say softly. "Now I just need to figure out if I want to continue hunting or if I want to start over fresh. That's why I'm here; I just need a place to stay for a while until I figure things out."
Bobby simply nods his head. "Well, I'm not gonna turn you away Sam, and I'm not gonna tell you what to do. I will tell you one thing, though. Your brother can't do this on his own. He may act like a badass who doesn't need anyone's help, but we both know he can't do this alone. He is all the family you have left, just like you are all he's got. You two need to look out for one another. Just keep that in mind while you're figuring things out."
All I can do is nod my head; not knowing what to say to that. I hadn't really thought of it that way. It makes a lot of sense, though, and just thinking of it now makes me feel guiltier about what I have done and said. Despite what these feelings are doing to me, my brother really needs me right now, and not once had I taken that into consideration.
What makes me feel the worst is the fact that I have basically been being selfish; thinking of only myself and my feelings. He obviously needs me, even if just as his brother, but I haven't been there for him. Another thing stuck on my mind is what he said. What did he mean by, "It would be okay if you did Sam"? What was he trying to tell me? He couldn't possibly return my feelings, could he? Did he mean it would be okay because he loves me too, or did he mean it would be okay because I am his brother and he would never look at me any differently?
I am pulled back to the present when I notice Bobby staring at me and I blush at being caught so far away in my head. I only hope my thoughts weren't expressed on my face; bared for Bobby's curiosity. He smiles at me in amusement, though, so I figure I am safe. If he knew what I had been thinking he sure as hell wouldn't be smiling right now. I don't know what he would be doing, but I am sure he would be disgusted.
"Alright, follow me, I'll show you to your room." Bobby says as he stands up and beckons me to follow him out of the room.
Grabbing my duffel and back pack at my feet, I silently follow him into the guest room. Upon entering the room I drop my things onto the bed and turn to face Bobby. Once again I thank him for giving me a place to stay, but he just tells me to shut up and be grateful. This said, he gives me a warm smile before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.
For a moment I just stand there, but eventually I let out a sigh and move over to the window. Looking out into the pitch black night, I allow my thoughts to carry me away. Of course, the only thing currently on my mind is Dean. I can't help but wonder how he is holding up. I really hate the way I left things between us. Hell, I hated leaving him.
I wonder what he is doing right now. Is he sleeping? Or is he like me; too troubled by everything that transpired between us? I am really hoping it isn't the latter. I hate the thought of him losing sleep over me. I also hate the fact that I have caused him pain. That was honestly the last thing I wanted to do. The last person I would want to hurt is Dean. I have hurt him, though, and now I have to figure out a way to make things right. I can only hope that I can salvage our relationship from this mess I have caused.
Turning away from the window, I move over to the full sized bed in the middle of the room and lie down. Silently, I send a prayer out to a God I have very little faith in these days, pleading with the higher power to look out for my brother and keep him safe. I figure this is a long shot since I don't know if anyone is listening to me, but it is all I have left right now.
I know that sleep will be evading me this night. Despite how exhausted I feel, my mind is too consumed to allow me any rest. So, instead, I just lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling; my heart and mind silently crying out for my brother.
Chapter Two: Whatever it Takes
Sitting down at Bobby's kitchen table, I take a bite out of the sandwich in my hand and stare absentmindedly at the wall. I have been staying here for quite some time now and still I haven't decided what I am going to do. I know I can't stay here forever, and I should seriously consider what I am going to do. I know that with Bobby I could never over-stay my welcome but I don't want to take advantage of his hospitality either.
Over the past two weeks I have wanted to dial up Dean's cell phone but I coward out every time. I don't know where he is, or even if he is okay. Dean is no wimp, and for the most part he can take care of himself, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about him. I am afraid of what he would do if I called him, though. Would he yell and scream at me? Would he hear me out for once, or would he simply hang up on me? I highly doubt he would listen to what I have to say, so I am assuming he would do one of the other two possibilities.
Then again, even if he did hang up on me, at least I would know he is still alive. That is what I desperately want to do right now. I just need to hear his voice; need that reassurance. I honestly don't know how I am expecting to live a normal life. That sure as hell isn't going to happen if I am constantly worrying about him. Not knowing if he is okay is seriously killing me. Can I really leave him behind to hunt alone? To be honest, this normal life I desire so much suddenly doesn't seem so appealing. I just can't leave my brother like this. I care about him too much; love him too much. And if in order to be with him I have to live the life of a hunter... well then, so be it.
I am pulled from my thoughts when Bobby enters the kitchen. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, he takes a seat at the table and looks me straight in the eyes. "So, have you decided what you're gonna do yet?"
He asks me this question every day and I always give him the same response, but today is different. Today I have finally made my decision, and this brings me great relief. It feels as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I find myself smiling for the first time in weeks.
"Yeah, actually, I have. I was being stupid before, I shouldn't have left him. You were right, we need each other. I'm gonna go back home. I just hope he'll take me back." There is a small hopeful smile on my face as I say this.
"Well, I'm glad you finally figured that out Sam. I was beginning to think I was gonna have to knock some sense into ya." He says jokingly, though there is a slight edge to his tone that tells me he is serious. "As for Dean, he might be hurt by whatever you said but you know your brother; he'll always take you back."
"I hope you're right about that Bobby, because what I said to him was very hurtful and I'm not feeling too confident on him taking me back this time." I say with a heavy sigh.
"You know Dean, you could say you hate him and he'd still take you back. That's just how he is. He might be a jackass most of the time but you're his weakness."
My head snaps up at the word hate and Bobby's eyes widen when he sees my guilty expression.
"That's what you said? You told him you hate him?" He asks; clearly shocked. He isn't the only one; I am still in shock over what I said to Dean.
"I really don't want to talk about it Bobby. I told you I said some horrible things, I just need to find a way to fix this. I need him to forgive me; I hadn't meant what I said."
Bobby opens his mouth to respond but a knock on the door interrupts him. We share a confused look, and I ask who could possibly be here at this hour, but he merely shrugs his shoulders and grabs his shot gun just in case.
I follow along behind him but he motions for me to open the door. Moving in behind me, he points the shot gun at the front door. I vaguely question what kind of demon knocks on doors but I don't voice this aloud, I know better than to question Bobby. I just follow his lead and open the door.
Bobby immediately lowers the shot gun when he sees who is on the other side of the door, while I just stare in complete shock. The expression on Dean's face clearly states how shocked he is to find me here as well. He simply smiles, though it is a bit forced, and asks if he can come inside.
His question flies over my head, however, because all I can focus on is my brother. The last time I saw him looking so terrible was after the accident; he looks so deathly sick. I am caught by surprise with how pale he is; his skin is unnaturally pale. Not to mention he is shining from a light sheen of sweat. I am sure if I were to touch him his skin would feel clammy beneath my finger tips.
His condition is alarming. I desperately want to know what happened to him and if there is anything I can possibly do to help him. I am also tempted to pull him into my arms; hug him like I need to. I highly doubt he would appreciate that, though, he has never been a fan of expressing emotions. He calls it being touchy, feely and that stuff is for girls. He refuses to have any kind of chick flick moments.
Besides how he feels about sentimental moments, I also don't think he would accept a hug from me after what transpired between us. I can tell that he hasn't forgotten what was said and he hasn't forgiven me. Not that I expected him to, of course. The fact that he had to force a smile when he saw me, that just killed me. The air between us has been awkward in the past but never like this. This is much worse. I feel like I am suffocating from the cold indifference I am getting from Dean's tense body language.
I am snapped back to reality when Dean pushes past me and Bobby leads him over to the couch. I shut the door and lock it before rushing over to the couch as well. I sit down but make sure I keep a safe distance. I know he probably doesn't want me too close to him but there was no way I could force myself to sit on one of the chairs. At least sitting this close makes me feel a little better and keeps my panic at bay.
"What the hell happened to you Dean?" Bobby asks with a hint of disbelief in his voice. "You look like death warmed over."
Dean lets out a humorless laugh, and this reaction only manages to concern me further. "Just another day in paradise,” Dean's response is full of his usual sarcasm. "I'm not feeling as bad as I look."
I roll my eyes at these words. He always makes things out to be not as bad as they seem; never reveals just how injured or sick he is. He is known for down playing things. I can tell that Bobby isn't any more fooled than I am, but neither of us calls Dean out on this.
Bobby leaves the room for a moment; leaving Dean and I alone. The tension in the air is thick, and Dean refuses to even look at me. I keep searching my mind for something to say; something to break the ice, but keep coming up empty. What could I possibly say to him? What would be his reaction?
Bobby returns to the room before I can say anything and there is a bottle of water in his hand. "I would've given ya a beer but something tells me you could use some water." He says as he hands Dean the bottle.
Dean chuckles at this, "Usually I would fight you on this but I think you just might be right."
"Now, do you wanna explain what happened to you?" Bobby asks, going straight to the point as usual.
Dean takes a couple large swallows of the water before answering, "I met this, this beautiful woman at a bar. I mean, I had never met a more beautiful woman."
"Typical," Bobby mutters but there is a smile on his face.
"So what went wrong?" I ask and Dean turns to face me for the first time since he arrived. If I could I would make myself a permanent home within those beautiful green eyes of his. As soon as this thought enters my mind a smile forms on my face. If Dean knew what I was thinking he would tell me to stop being a sentimental fool. God, I've missed my brother.
"Everything was going fine until we left the bar. She walked over to the Impala with me, only, when she kissed me, I got overwhelmingly dizzy and nauseous." Dean explains with a blush coloring his pale cheeks. "After that I just seemed to gradually get worse."
"What the hell do you think she is?" Bobby asks in bewilderment.
"I wasn't sure so I went through Dad's journal and discovered this," Dean says as he pulls out the journal, opens to a certain page, and then hands it over to Bobby. "I believe she's a soul snatcher."
"Says here that a soul snatcher releases a deadly poison into their victims,” Bobby reads aloud from the journal.
"Yeah, so when she kissed me she must've let that damn poison go and now it's in my system." Dean says bitterly, a rueful smile on his face.
"How long does the poison take to kill someone?" I ask fearfully.
"Says here that once the poison enters the victims said victim has a week to live." Bobby looks up from the journal and directs his question at Dean, "When did this bitch kiss you?"
Dean lets out a sigh and drops his head down into his awaiting hands. "Today's my fifth day, so tomorrow will be the fourth."
Fear grips my heart when these words register in my head. "That doesn't give us much time." Turning to Bobby, I ask, "Does the journal say how to kill this fucker?"
"Not a damn thing!" Bobby slams the journal shut in frustration; rubbing his forehead agitatedly. "First thing in the morning I'll start researching. There has to be a way to kill this thing and I'm gonna find out how."
"Yeah, don't worry Dean; we won't let that bitch take your soul." I take a big risk by taking his hand when I say this.
Dean pulls his hand away. He tries to smile, though it is an obvious awkward one. "I have faith in you guys, I know my life is in good hands." He tries his best to joke but I know he is being serious about this.
After a few minutes of the three of us just sitting around in silence I notice that Dean is swaying in his seat. He seems to be sweating worse than before and a grimace of pain adorns his beautiful face. Even though he looks like a person knocking on death's door, he still looks beautiful to me.
My God, you are pathetic Sam! I silently berate myself before clearing my throat and focusing on my brother. "Are you tired Dean? You should go lie down."
"Stop fussing over me Sam." He snaps; frown on his face.
"I agree with your brother Dean, you're not looking so hot." Bobby says in a tone that leaves no room for argument.
Dean lets out an over exaggerated sigh. "Alright, fine, I'll see if I can get some sleep for a while."
I quickly move to help Dean stand. "Here, lets get you to the guest room, you can sleep in there and I'll take the couch."
"Damnit Sam, will you just back off!" Dean snaps again in frustration. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, I really do, but I can make it to the damn room on my own."
I raise my hands in a sign of surrender but am not offended by Dean's attitude because that is just how he is. In fact, I am relieved to hear his attitude because that means he isn't too far gone that he doesn't have to strength to argue with me. I would be worried if he was allowing me to boss him around, or if he was accepting any kind of help. He is too damn stubborn and independent to accept help from anyone.
I follow closely behind him as he heads to the guest room to make sure he doesn't fall, and I stand awkwardly in the doorway as he settles down on the bed. Once he is comfortably under the covers, he turns his head to give me a questioning look.
"Do... do you want a glass of water? You know, just in case you wake up in the middle of the night and need a drink?" I ask; fidgeting nervously.
For a moment it looks like he is going to scold me for babying him, but then he seemingly changes his mind and simply nods his head. Instantly, I leave the room and head into the kitchen.
Grabbing a glass from the cupboard, I fill it with cold water and then head back into the bedroom. As soon as I reach Dean's bedside I realize that he is already fast asleep.
Smiling affectionately, I place the glass of water on the nightstand before turning to my brother again. Reaching out, I fix the blanket so it is covering him more securely. Glancing up at my brother's sleeping, peaceful face, guilt builds within my chest; squeezing painfully.
Look at the mess you've gotten yourself into Dean, I think to myself as I reach out and carefully run my fingers through his too short hair. I am surprised by how soft it actually is, and by the fact that his skin isn't clammy like my earlier assumption. I find myself smiling despite the situation we are faced with, but the guilt I am harboring hasn't gone away. "God, I am so sorry Dean. I never should have left you."
You wouldn't be fighting for your life right now if I hadn't left that night. A tear slides down my cheek as I watch my brother sleep.
Chapter Three: Heart to Heart
After experiencing one of the most horrible dreams of my life, I am startled awake; panting harshly and shaking slightly. Every time I close my eyes I see Dean's lifeless gaze staring back at me, so I decide to give up on trying to sleep.
The dream had been so vivid, like it had been happening in reality. I can recall every little detail of the dream. He and I were arguing, much like our argument at the motel, only this time we were outside by the Impala. We were both tossing insults at each other. I had screamed at him in rage; telling him that he had ruined my life. And much like our argument in reality, I had told him that I hated him, only this time when he froze in shock and pain a man with blood red eyes suddenly appeared behind him. Before I could warn him, however, the man thrust his hand through his back; as though Dean were merely made of clay.
Even now that I am awake, I can still hear Dean's scream of agony. The man had smirked in triumph as Dean fell forward into my arms. I hadn't bothered to chase the man down as he fled, I just held tightly to Dean as the light of life faded from his eyes.
In my dream my brother died in my arms, all I could do was helplessly watch and cry out to whatever higher being that would listen. Just thinking back on the dream sends unpleasant shivers down my spine. I have never dreamt of my brother dying before, and I hope I never do again. That was the worst experience of my life and I don't wish to relive it. That dream made me realize what life could be like without Dean in it, though. If anything were to ever happen to my brother I would go insane. Without him I would no longer have a life to live. If Dean were to die I know that my soul would die along with him.
Rising to my feet, I stumble into the bathroom and flip on the light switch. Squinting against the sudden bright light, I move further into the room and stand at the sink. I open my eyes completely once they have adjusted to the bright room and I turn the faucet on. Splashing some cold water on my face, I let out a sigh and stare at my reflection in the mirror. My complexion is paler than normal and the nightmare has left me drenched in sweat.
Releasing another sigh, I dry my face with a towel and then leave the bathroom; turning off the light on my way out. Heading into the guestroom, I decide to check on Dean, simply for my own reassurance that he is alright and very much alive. I know this is stupid since it was only a dream, but checking on my brother is just something I need to do. Even if only for my own peace of mind.
Fear grips my heart, however, when I reach the guest room only to find it empty. I glance around the room but see no signs of my brother. Backing out of the room, I practically run into the living room and try to think of where Dean could possibly be. I know I am probably overreacting, but I can't help the fact that I need to know where he is at all times. I feel as though I have to look out for him; keep him safe. My brother needs me right now and I am going to do my best to be here for him.
Glancing toward the back door I find it to be wide open. Idly, I wonder how I missed this before as I head in that direction. Upon reaching the screen door, I look out into the darkness for any sign of my brother. Thankfully, the moon is high in the sky and the bright glow is lighting up the land in a bluish tint.
Finding Dean doesn't turn out to be the challenge I originally thought it would be. He is sitting on a lawn chair no more than fifteen feet in front of me; using the glow of the moon as his only light. I am surprised to see a cigarette in his hand; the cherry on the end burning brightly into the night. Dean has always had bad habits, eating greasy food and drinking more than he should, but he has never been known to be a smoker.
He really must be under a lot of stress, I think to myself in dismay as I quietly open the screen door and make my way toward him. My foot falls give me away instantly and Dean looks over his shoulder at me. His eyes are guarded, however; keeping his feelings hidden from me.
"What are you doing out here?" I ask cautiously as I sit down on the lawn chair beside him, not sure if he is willing to talk to me yet. "Aren't you tired?"
"I woke up about an hour or so ago and couldn't go back to sleep." He answers quietly, staring somewhere off in the distance, though I am sure this is just so he can avoid looking at me.
"Any reason for that,” I ask softly. "Just have too much on your mind?"
"Yeah, got a lotta shit on my mind; have for a while now."
I nod my head at this; guilt clenching in my stomach to the point of making me nauseous. "I've been wanting to talk to you, actually, about what was said the night I left."
"Do we have to do this right now Sam?" He asks with a long, heavy sigh. He is still refusing to look at me, though I wish he would.
"I would really like to if you don't mind. I want to resolve this, I hate when we're mad at each other." I answer honestly. "Please, Dean, just hear me out, okay?"
For a few long moments he doesn't answer me, just takes a hit from his cigarette and lets the dirty grey smoke out slowly. I don't try to rush him to make a decision. While I wait for him to make a choice, though, I openly look him over. His skin is shining in the pale moon light because of the sweat that still covers him, not to mention the moon is making him shine because he is unnaturally pale. Also, I am not sure how much weight Dean has lost but, looking at him, I can guess that it is more than he can afford to lose. The condition his health is in frightens me, and I want to tell him that we should head back inside but he begins talking before I can even open my mouth.
"Alright, if you want to have this heart to heart let's get it over with,” he says in a resigned tone of voice, but this doesn't make me back down. I am determined to have this conversation because I am hoping it sets things right between us.
"First off, I said some cruel things and I am so sorry for that. You don't know how terrible I feel because of it. I honestly never wanted to hurt you Dean. I guess I had just felt trapped and frustrated, so I became defensive." I say in one long breath, partly because I was afraid he would interrupt me.
"You had to have meant it, even if just a little bit, Sammy. I could see it in your eyes... I'll never forget what I saw in your eyes." He says softly; on the verge of whispering.
"What did you see?" I ask, partly afraid to hear the answer.
"Resentment,” Even though he isn't looking at me, I can hear the pain in his voice and it nearly tears me apart. "I saw resentment Sammy, and it made me realize what I had done to you. I mean, you had a normal life, but I came in and fucked that all up for you. I never should've came to you, never should've asked for your help in finding dad. That move ruined your life and I'm sorry Sam, that was never my intention."
The anguish in his voice breaks me, and I find a tear sliding down my face. "Dean, you aren't to blame for everything going wrong in my life. Jessica's death certainly wasn't your fault, she would have died whether you had come and got me or not. In fact, if not for you, I don't know where I'd be right now."
Dean acknowledges this with a nod of his head, but the guilty expression on his face remains. "Still, man, I feel like it would've been better if I had never come back into your life. I knew I shouldn't have involved you, but I did anyway. I am really sorry for that Sam; you don't realize how much I regret that. You were going somewhere with your life, and I had been so proud of you, but I took that all away from you. I don't blame you for hating me. I mean, what I did, sometimes I hate myself too."
I want to reach out to him, comfort him like he needs, but he doesn't appreciate hugs, so I keep my arms to myself. Instead, I rely on words to express how I feel. "I don't hate you Dean. I had only said that because I knew that it would bother you the most. I was being a jerk and I'm truly sorry. You gotta believe me, I hadn't meant it."
"You sure about that Sammy,” he asks incredulously, and in an instant I am on my knees at his side.
"For all my life there has only been one person who I've been able to count on, only one person who ever supported me. You're that person Dean. I don't know what I would do without you; don't even want to think about it. You're my brother, man, and I love you. I'd even choose you over Jess; family comes first, after all. There are many things I can do without in life, but you're not one of them. I'd die without you. I don't always like hunting, never wanted that for my life, but I do enjoy all the time I get to spend with you. I could never hate you Dean, I love your ass, and you're stuck with me. Hope you can live with that."
"Okay, this is turning into a chick flick fast. Let's move onto another subject." Dean's attitude is back, but I can see the unshed tears of emotion in his eyes. He has taken what I said to heart and that is all that matters.
Feeling the tension leave the air that surrounds us, I rise to my feet and sit down once more on my abandoned lawn chair. I can't help the smile that forms on my face as my brother and I sit in comfortable silence. We have once again been able to resolve our issues, we have overcome the rift in our relationship, and I couldn't be happier. I know that things are going to go back to the way they were and that knowledge fills me with an overwhelming sense of relief.
With a wide smile on my face, I tilt my head in Dean's direction. My smile fades; however, when I see his facial features set in deep thought and worry creases along his forehead. I call out to him to find out what is wrong but he is obviously lost in thought because he doesn't seem to hear me. Reaching across the space between us, I place my hand on his forearm and this finally gets his attention. Placing a questioning look in my eyes, I wait patiently for him to answer my silent plea, but a frown grows on my face when he simply looks away.
"What's going on in that head of yours Dean?" I take the plunge and decide to ask what is on my mind. "What's wrong, man?"
His chest heaves up and then back down as he lets out a heavy sigh and turns his weary eyes in my direction. "You know I have complete faith in you Sammy, right?"
"Yes," I answer, though confusion colors my voice. "Where are you going with this?"
"I've just been thinking, is all." Dean answers vaguely, and I find myself getting slightly irritated. He obviously wants to talk about this, so what could possibly be so difficult about it?
"You've been thinking about what?" I encourage him to continue.
"About life, and what that bitch did to me." He looks down at his hands as he says this. "I have complete faith in you Sam, and in Bobby, but what if you don't find a way to save my ass?"
"I'm going to save you Dean, there's no doubt about it."
"But what if you can't? Sam, we don't know how to kill this bitch, and we only have five days to figure it out. And even if you find a way to kill her, there's no guarantee the poison will just leave my system." Dean says stubbornly.
This isn't something I want to hear, though, don’t want to face the possibility. "There's no way around it Dean. I have to find the solution; I have to find a way to save you. I can't just give up."
"I'm not asking you to give up Sam. There are just some things I need to say to you in case the worst case scenario happens." The pleading I see in Dean's eyes is what makes me give in.
"Okay, what do you need to say to me?" I ask in defeat.
"Just in case this thing gets the best of me and you can't save me Sam, when I'm gone I don't want you losing your head. Don't go trying to be a hero by avenging my death or something equally stupid. I don't want you becoming obsessive over it; I don't want you turning into dad. He let mom's death consume him, don't let my death do the same to you."
I want to scream at him to stop talking about his death; want to shake some sense into him. He isn't acting like my brother right now. My Dean would never give up so easily; wouldn't lie down and die without a fight. I keep silent, however, figuring that is best.
"Also, I know I haven't been the best brother." I open my mouth to protest, but he continues before I can utter a single word. "I pushed you too hard sometimes and I know this. Sometimes I was just as bad as dad and I'm sorry for that. Plus, I know I give you a lot of shit. I don't know how you put up with me. I am grateful, though, 'cause you're all I have. You keep me grounded and I don't know what I'd do without ya."
I am silent as I watch him nervously run a hand through his hair. "What I'm tryin' to say, Sam, is please don't hold any grudges against me. When you think back, I want you to have fond memories. I don't want the times I was too hard on ya, or how I never stuck up for ya against dad, to be the first things that come to mind. Plus, when I'm gone, I'd like for you to go back to Stanford. We both know you want to. Please, for me Sam, become that kick ass lawyer we both know you're meant to be."
The desperation in his eyes and voice are what break me and I find myself nodding in promise. I want to tell him that I have no life ahead of me without him, but he just looks so hopeful that I can't bear the thought of dashing those hopes into the ground. Instead, I nod my head, tease him about that he started a chick flick moment, and then share the silence with him while quietly praying to God that I don't lose my brother in five days.
Chapter Four: Hanging By a Moment
- Two Days Later -
Heaving a heavy sigh, I run a hand over my face and close my eyes tightly. Time is running out and we aren't any closer to finding a way to kill this bitch than we were two days ago. I refuse to give up, though. I am determined to find a solution; won't let Dean die without one hell of a fight.
All this research I have been doing, though, and the fact that I am coming up with nothing, is really disheartening. I know that these things take time and I just need to be patient, but my brother's life is on the line and I just don't have time on my side. Dean's condition isn't getting any better. In fact, he is gradually getting worse. I know that if I don't find some information soon, I could very well lose him. Just that thought gives me the motivation to continue researching, no matter how tired I may be.
However, when my vision begins to blur and I have a hard time reading the webpage I know it is time to take a break. Grabbing a can of soda from the fridge, I head into the living room where Dean is sitting on the couch listening to his iPod. He doesn't look as though he is feeling particularly well, but that doesn't stop him from bobbing his head to the music.
His eyes are closed as he listens to that metal music he loves so much, and as I sit down on the recliner next to the couch I can't take my eyes off him. I am relieved to see the light smile playing on his lips, it has been a long time since I seen it. Lately his lips seem to be twisted in a frown or grimace of pain. It is nice to see a smile for once, no matter how small it is. Plus, he looks so at ease listening to his music; so relaxed. I can't remember the last time I have seen him just kicking back and enjoying his time; not worrying over a hunt.
His eyes slide open and I can't help but smile at the look of surprise that crosses his features. He turns the volume on his iPod down but doesn't turn it off.
"Trying to give me a heart attack?" He asks dryly and I chuckle slightly as I shake my head in response.
"What you listening to?" I ask for the sake of conversation.
"Alice in Chains, "Man in the Box"." Dean says with that wide smile of his and I find myself smiling just from the sight of it. "Wanna listen to it?"
"Uh, no, I'll pass thanks."
"Sammy, you are so deprived." He shakes his head in mock disappointment. "You don't know what real music is. It's so sad!"
"Good to see your sarcasm's still in tact." I, once again, respond dryly.
"It'll be there 'till the day I die." He replies and, by the look on his face, instantly regrets it. He knows that was the wrong thing to say.
The tension in the air is so tense it could be sliced with a knife. I swallow hard at his words, and we both look away from each other. I search my brain for something to ease the awkwardness but keep coming up blank. I can't even seem to come up with any stupid conversation topics, which would be better than nothing.
Glancing over in his direction, he is glancing over at me at the same time, and we share a sheepish smile. Just like that, the tension evaporates from the air and we can both breathe a little easier. Things are comfortable between us once again and I feel myself slowly relaxing.
Turning his music off, Dean takes the headphones out of his ears and places his iPod on the couch next to him before slouching down into a more comfortable position. I can't seem to take my eyes off him, even though I know I should. I don't exactly want to be caught staring, and I like the thought of having to explain myself to him even less, but my eyes won't cooperate with my brain.
His eyes glide over to meet mine and, instead of questioning me like I expect, he simply smiles a genuine smile that sends butterflies through my stomach. "Taking a break from all that research?" He asks lightly.
"Yeah, but I should get back to it." I respond as I begin to rise, but his voice stops me.
"Sit down Sam. You've been researching non-stop for the past two days, give yourself a break."
Instead of arguing with him, I lower myself back down onto the recliner and sink down heavily into the soft cushion; rubbing my eyes tiredly.
"When was the last time you allowed yourself some proper sleep?" He asks in concern.
"I'm not sure, but don't worry about me, I'm doing fine."
"Don't bullshit me Sammy; you're about ready to pass out in that chair. I can see the exhaustion on your face man." He says seriously; using a slightly scolding tone. "Go lay down for a while dude, you've earned it."
"Nah, there's no way I could sleep right now." I respond honestly. "You know how you can be so tired that you can't sleep, no matter how badly you want to? Yeah, well, that's how I'm feeling right now."
"That blows. Well, at least you're relaxing. Guess I can't ask for more than that."
I just nod my head, thankful for the fact that he isn't going to try and push me. It wouldn't have worked anyway, but I would rather not argue with him right now.
"You sure you don't wanna listen to Alice in Chains?" He asks after a moment; gesturing to his forgotten iPod.
I can't help but laugh at this and give him a playful glare. "I am positive, so stop pushing it on me."
"You don't know what you're missing Sammy." He says, shaking his head in mock disappointment.
"At least the bands I listen to are still making music; I'm not stuck in the past like you." I say teasingly. "And my name is Sam. How many times do I have to tell you to call me Sam?"
"For the rest of your life Sammy,” he responds, joyful laughter escaping him when I glare daggers at him.
The glare slips from my face and turns into a frown of concern, however, when his laughter becomes heavy coughs. He is coughing so hard that, to my ears, it sounds like it must be painful. He can't seem to stop, and the coughs are just getting worse; more severe.
I feel so damn helpless as I sit here and watch him, so I quickly rush to his side and rub his back soothingly, the only thing I can think of to do. I wish there was some way I could help him, but all we can do is wait for the coughs to subside.
After a few long moments more, his coughs ease to a stop and he lifts his head from his hands with a sigh. My heart is gripped by fear when I see the blood slipping over his bottom lip. He smiles ruefully at me; it looks more morbid than reassuring, though. The fact that he just coughed up blood scares me shitless and it urges me to work harder on my research. He needs to be cleaned up, though. He will probably get pissy if I try to help him; think I am babying him, but I don't care. This is something I need to do, make me feel like I am not useless.
As expected, when I pull him into a standing position and begin leading him to the bathroom, a scowl quickly appears on his face and he pulls away from me. I grab onto his arm again, though, despite his protesting and I refuse to release him.
A groan leaves his throat as his tense body continues to protest against me. "Sam, you do know I can rinse my own mouth out just fine on my own, right?" He grumbles unhappily. "Stop treating me like a two year old!"
"Stop bitching and let me help you for once," I throw back at him calmly.
I feel his body sag in defeat just as we reach the bathroom and I push him inside. Standing at the sink, I turn the tap on and Dean fills his hands with water. Rinsing his mouth out at least three times to make sure all the blood is gone, he grabs the wadded up toilet paper I am holding out to him and dries his mouth off.
Once he throws away the used toilet paper, I steer him out of the bathroom and lead him into the guestroom. I am surprised when he doesn't complain about this, but I keep silent about it. I know that if I say anything he will either have something sarcastic to say in return or he will just get bitchy.
"Well, if you're making me get some rest you should have to do the same." Dean says once we enter the room and I help him to sit down on the bed.
"Nah, I'm good. I can still go a couple of hours, can't let any time be wasted." I refuse gently.
"It won't be wasted; you'll be getting the sleep you need to keep up your strength. I know how uncomfortable Bobby's couch is, so I'll even be so kind as to share the bed with you. What ya say to that?"
The tone of his voice almost sounds pleading, but I must be wrong. Dean would never allow himself to appear needy. And though the thought of sleeping next to him is tempting, I really should get back to my research. I know Bobby is doing all he can to help, and he has gotten about as much sleep as I have, but two people working is better than one, and I just cannot allow myself to stop right now.
"As tempting as the bed is, unfortunately I have to pass." I say with a laugh. "I really should be researching right now, there's plenty of time for me to rest later."
"Well, I'm not gonna fuckin' beg your ass, it's your heath you're puttin' on the line. Just don't research 'till you pass out." He says haughtily, and I don't miss the guarded expression on his face.
My God, how could I have been so stupid? I silently question myself as he crawls beneath the covers. Sure, he was looking out for me, but this was just as much for me as it was for him.
The thing about my brother is he hates asking for anything, so he covers it up with humor and sarcasm. Just like now, he made it sound like he was thinking of me but the truth is he doesn't want to be alone right now. He couldn't just come out and ask me, though, so he covered it up with concern and light sarcasm.
Well, there is definitely no way I can deny him my presence. Research is important, and that is what I really should be doing, but Dean comes first. If he wants me here with him right now, then that is where I am going to be. I will just continue with my research once he is asleep.
"Well, maybe you're right; I really could use a little sleep right now. Maybe I'll wake up with fresh eyes and we'll learn something useful." I say as casually as I possibly can. "That offer still available?"
Dean shrugs nonchalantly. "I guess. You're lucky I didn't change my mind and decide to keep this nice, comfortable bed all to myself."
I just shake my head in amusement as I push him over onto the other side of the bed and crawl under the covers. Situating myself onto my side, facing him, I watch as he gets comfortable on his back. He opens his eyes in frustration, though, when I continue to move around restlessly. I can't seem to get the pillow under my head right so I will be comfortable. The warning glance he sends my way ceases my movements, however, and I rest my head on the pillow despite how uncomfortable I still am.
This seems to appease him, though, because he closes his eyes once more and becomes motionless as he waits for sleep to take him away. A question lingers on my mind, though, and I consider asking him about it before he is completely gone from me. It has been eating away at me since before he showed up at Bobby's doorstep and I think I might go insane if I put it off any longer.
"I can hear your mind racing from over here," Dean says with his eyes closed. "What's keeping you awake?"
"Well, it's just... I have a question to ask you." I reply cautiously, unsure how he will react.
"Then ask already, what ya waitin' for?"
"Well, it's just what you said the night I left. What did you mean by it would be okay if I did, have feelings for you, I mean?" Even as I ask this, I can feel my cheeks flaming.
"I just meant that I wouldn't freak out and hit you, or hate you for it." He responds, but it feels to me as though he is holding something back.
"Dean... Dean, do you have feelings for me?" I ask softly, not wanting to upset him, but needing to hear the answer all-the-same.
"Can we not talk about this right now?" Dean finally opens his eyes as he asks this. "I'm really tired; I just want to sleep."
All I can do in response is nod my head. He obviously doesn't want to talk about this, and there is no way I am going to be able to make him. One thing is clear, though, he didn’t answer my question. He evaded it, obviously uncomfortable with the topic. What could that possibly mean? Could Dean actually return my feelings? I guess if I want my answer I am going to have to push it out of him later.
For now, I simply raise myself onto my elbow and stare down at my brother as he succumbs to his body's need for rest. I can't help thinking how beautiful he is as I watch him sleep peacefully. I know he would probably be offended by being called beautiful, would much more prefer hot or sexy, but I think beautiful fits him perfectly.
For as long as I can remember Dean has always been there for me. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. I don't think I could love anyone more than him, and my feelings just seem to become stronger as the days go by. I really wish I could tell him how I feel. I doubt he would freak out on me. Hell, now that I am thinking back on what was said that night, I have reason to believe my confession might be welcomed. First I need to find a way to kill this soul snatcher, because God knows I can't lose my brother, and then I will tell him that I love him.
Chapter Five: Shadow of the Day
Rubbing at the ache in my wrist, which hours of research has caused, I turn away from the computer screen and let out a sigh of utter desperation. All I have learned over the internet is that several people have been submitted into the hospital because they passed out. Apparently, beforehand they had been coughing up blood and growing weaker by the hour. A day after they arrived at the hospital, however, they all died. None of the doctors can explain it. I don't know if this is relevant to Dean's case, but it is the best thing I have found so far.
Bobby left hours ago to talk to a friend of his; I am hoping he comes back with some good news. He has been trying to find out how to kill a soul snatcher for days now, and I am grateful for his help, but he hasn't had any more luck than I have. Neither of us are willing to give up, though; we will find a solution even if it kills us.
I can't deny that time is running out, however, and I am becoming desperate. I just wish something would go right for us; we seem to be getting nowhere. It might be easier if I was out with Bobby and researching for information, but I just can't bring myself to leave Dean alone. I mean, what if he needs me and I'm not there. What if something were to happen? I know he isn't defenseless, and he can take care of himself for the most part, but he isn't exactly in his best of health right now either. I can't let anything happen to him.
Looking toward the doorway when a figure catches my eye, I find Dean leaning against the door jam. He looks as though he hasn't slept in weeks; dark circles around his eyes. And despite how I thought he couldn't become any paler, I have been proven wrong. Not to mention he can't seem to stop coughing up blood; has been doing it since last night. I do the best I can to help him, but I know he is getting worse and it is scaring the hell out of me. I feel so helpless; I don't know what to do.
"Stop beating yourself up over this Sammy, you're doing the best you can." Dean speaks softly, sounding exhausted. "There's not much more you can do."
"I can't just give up!" I exclaim in frustration, but I know that yelling at him will get me nowhere, so I quickly calm myself. He has enough to deal with; he doesn't need my bullshit on top of that.
"Not telling you to give up, just don't want your hopes up too high. We were given little time to figure this out, and very little information to go by, we all knew there was no guarantee that we would figure out a way to kill her in time."
"Don't do that!" My voice is firm as I stand up and move to stand in front of him. "Don't act like this is the end; like you're dead already."
"I'm not acting Sammy." He replies with a heavy sigh; already resigned to his fate. "I'm being practical, and you should be too."
"It's Sam," I respond lightly. Though, at this point, I don't care what he calls me, just so long as he is here to say it.
He simply rolls his eyes but doesn't say anything.
"Look, Dean, you're not gonna die." I promise as I cup his face; his skin feeling clammy beneath my palms. "I'm not gonna let that happen."
I can tell that he isn't convinced by my words, but he gives me a smile nonetheless, even if it is a bit half hearted. At least he is trying to be a little optimistic for my sake, and I am thankful for this. I am having my own doubts about this whole situation, but I am trying my hardest not to give in to them. That is kind of difficult, though, when he is talking like that.
"You hungry, want something to eat?" I ask as I move away and open the fridge.
"No, I haven't had much of an appetite."
"You should really eat something. How about a turkey sandwich,” I push determinedly, pulling out various items from the fridge.
He doesn't answer me but I plan on forcing him to eat, so I don't really need an answer. With the food in my hands, I turn just in time to see Dean crumple to the floor; hitting his head on the tile. For a moment I am frozen solid; what just happened having not registered in my brain. As soon as I get my senses back, though, I rush to my brother's side and lift his head.
"Dean?" My voice is full of panic and it only gets worse when he doesn't respond or open his eyes; doesn't move at all. "Dean!"
His fallen form remains motionless as I yell out his name; pleading for him to wake up or say something so I know he is alright. Pressing my fingers against his neck, I am relieved to feel his pulse, even if it is a bit weak. I wish I could get him to open his eyes. Hell, I would be relieved if this was all just a joke, but he is out cold.
Dean hates hospitals, but I know we don't have many options at this point, so I grab the keys to the Impala from his jeans pocket and gather him into my arms. I practically race out of the house; not even bothering to lock the door. Placing him in the passenger seat, I rush over to the driver's side and get behind the wheel.
Pulling out onto the road, I don't even bother to check my speed. All I can focus on is getting to the hospital as soon as possible. I continually glance over at Dean as I drive; needing to know he is still breathing.
Grasping onto his hand, I squeeze gently and whisper, "Hold on Dean, you're gonna be alright."
Silently, I stare blankly out the window; registering nothing because my mind is miles away. I just don't want to face the reality of the situation, even though the proof is lying in the bed a few feet away from me. I can't seem to grasp onto anything at the moment, though. This all feels similar to a dream, like at any moment I will wake up and everything will be right in my world again. Well, as right as it has ever been.
Dean has been unconscious for hours now and I am beginning to wonder if he is going to wake up at all. The doctors aren't sure what is wrong with him, but I had been expecting that. What bothered me about their news was they aren't sure if he will wake up. His heart rate is very weak as well and they told me that it could stop at any time. This scared the hell out of me, and now I refuse to leave him for even a second.
I just wish he would wake up so I could see those remarkable green eyes of his again. I want to see that smirk or shit-eating grin of his. Hell, I even want him to call me Sasquatch or tell me to shut up. I need to see my strong and arrogant brother again; need to see some sign of life. He just looks so vulnerable lying there in that bed; so unlike my brother.
Turning away from the window when I hear coughing from behind me, I find Dean staring straight at me. In a matter of seconds I am at his side; holding his hand and asking how he is feeling. Usually he would yell at me for touching him so intimately, but he isn't pulling away so I keep his hand firmly in mine.
"I feel like shit." He answers with a wry grin. "What happened?"
"I was fixing you a sandwich when you passed out cold on the kitchen floor." I respond, the memory causing me to take a deep breath. "I didn't know what to do so I took you to the hospital."
He grimaces at the mention of the word 'hospital'. "When ya gonna sign me out, or sneak me out of here?"
I can't help but stare at him in disbelief. "Dean, you are very sick, the doctor wants you to stay. I agree with him, you're safer here."
At my words he releases a heavy sigh. "Sam, we both know there's no preventing what's gonna happen. I'm no safer here than at Bobby's. The doctors can't protect me from something they don't, and couldn't possibly, understand. Besides, I would be more comfortable at Bobby's. Don't let me die at a hospital, please Sam."
"I'm sorry Dean, but if this can help even in the slightest, then I want you to stay here." I say with a shake of my head. "I will be staying here with you, though. I don't care about visiting hours and whatnot, I'm not leaving you."
"Great, you're so nice to me Sam." He says with a deep scowl and a smile grows on my face when I see it.
"Bobby says you better pull through this because he'd hate to bring you back only to kick your ass."
Dean shakes his head at this; a smile playing on his lips. "Sounds like him."
"He sent me down to the gift shop, the card is from him." I point to the card on the window sill as I say this. "You want to read it?"
Dean shakes his head. "Nah, not right now, anyway. Besides, my vision is a little fuzzy."
Nodding my head in understanding, I move to sit down on the chair next to his bed. "I got you the other card and the flowers too."
"How sentimental of you Sam,” he responds sarcastically but then his expression softens. "Thanks Sammy, for everything."
"You're welcome." I say with a soft smile; reaching out to grasp his hand and squeeze it reassuringly. "I'm gonna do everything I can to save you Dean. You know that, right?"
"Sam, I know it's hard, but I need you to be realistic about this. The chances of me surviving are very slim." The expression on his face is dead serious; I feel like screaming in protest. "Doing what we do Sam, our job, I knew this would happen eventually. This is a dangerous job. I've always known that I'd have a shorter life than normal people. I mean, with this job, it's inevitable."
'Well, you're just gonna have to live to die another day because you're not dying today or tomorrow." I respond stubbornly, refusing to listen.
"Damnit, Sam, would you just listen to me? You can't just ignore this and hope that it goes away. This is happening, and is going to happen, whether you want it to or not. And when the time comes, I don't want my death to tear you apart."
I quickly move away from his bedside and stand by the window; my back facing him. I have no desire to have this conversation, have been avoiding it, but he won't let me play ignorant anymore. I don't want to think about my life without my brother in it. I know that will most likely happen, but I don't want to think about it right now. I will deal with it when the time comes, but for now I want to spend as much time with him as possible.
Turning back to face my brother, I see him motion me over, so I return to his bedside. He takes my hand in his grasp and stares intently into my eyes. All I can do is stare back, feeling as though I am drowning in those green depths.
"I know it is hard Sammy, but when the time comes I want you to let me go. Just move on and have the life you have always wanted. Nothing would make me happier than to know you're alright and happy." He says softly; asking the one thing he knows I won't be able to deny him. "Please say you'll grab a hold of that life we both know you want so much, promise me Sammy."
A tear slides down my face but I don't even acknowledge or wipe it away. "I want you to stay more than I want that life, but okay Dean... I promise."
Dean lets out a sigh of relief before a sad smile forms on his face. "You know, I've always known I would live a short life, but still something always kept me from expressing how I really feel."
I sit up straight when I hear this. "And how do you really feel?"
"I love you Sammy, you mean more to me than anyone else on this earth and beyond." There is an honesty in his eyes that I can't deny. He is unguarded right now; letting me see into his soul. "You're my reason for living and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I have been in love with you for so long. That's why I haven't really had any relationships; no one else is good enough."
I shamelessly lean my face into his hand when he wipes away some of the tears that are cascading down my face. "I'm in love with you too Dean. I wanted to tell you so badly but was afraid of how you would react. But I definitely feel the same, you're my world."
He nods his head as though he has known all along. "I just wish I had told you sooner, when there was more time."
"This isn't fair!" I cry out in an emotional outburst; acknowledging the situation aloud for the first time. "This is gonna end before it even has the chance to begin."
"I'll always love you, though." He says softly, voice coming out strained. "Hold onto that."
Before I can respond, his body begins shaking uncontrollably, and I watch in horror as his eyes roll up into the back of his head. I know a seizure when I see it, and I waste no time in running out into the hall and yelling for help. Two nurses and a doctor immediately respond and they rush into my brother's room; leaving me alone in the hallway.
I have no way of knowing how long I have been out here, but as soon as the doctor exits the room I rush over to him.
"Your brother's seizure was a severe one. We did all we could, but... I'm sorry to tell you this, but your brother slipped into a coma." He says in a sympathetic, yet detached tone. "We have made him as comfortable as possible, but you must realize that there is no way of knowing if he will wake up. Right now I would give him a 20/80 percent chance."
I am completely floored when I hear this and I stumble backward, leaning heavily against the wall. "I am so sorry Mr. Armstrong." The doctor says but I barely hear him. I pay him no attention as he walks away either.
I slide down the wall into a slumped, sitting position, but I don't take my eyes off Dean. I feel numb inside because I know that if I don't find this soul snatcher my brother is definitely never going to wake up. I feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I can't figure out how to remove it. And the pain I am feeling is slowly consuming me.
Chapter Six: Hero
For the past hour or so I haven't left my brother's side. The room is far too quiet for my liking; the only sound being that of the heart monitor. I haven't moved, nor have I made a sound. I know I should call Bobby and give him the news; see if he has found out anything. I just can't bring myself to move, though; don't want to leave my brother's bedside. I hate the thought of being away from him for more than even a minute. I have this ridiculous thought in my head that if I leave even to go to the bathroom I may come back to find his soul has left. The thought frightens me, though, and is enough to keep me right where I am.
Leaning forward in my chair, I take Dean's hand in my own and squeeze it gently. There is no sign that he is even aware of my presence but deep down I know he can sense me. A small smile forms on my face at the thought, and for a moment I simply stare at his expressionless face.
Leaning forward further, I whisper into his ear, "I know how strong you are Dean, so please fight this with all your strength. You have to do this for me man, don't give up. I am going to do all that I can to save you but you have to hold on for me." Tears fill my eyes as I speak but I refuse to let them fall. I have to be strong now, and if I start crying now I may never stop. "Please Dean, don't leave me."
I close my eyes once these words are said and I breathe in deeply. I know what I must do. I may hate the thought of leaving my brother but he is going to die if I don't. His chances of living are a little higher if I get out of here and start looking for a solution.
Without further hesitation, I lean down and softly kiss Dean's unresponsive lips. Even though I want to, I don't linger. I head straight out of the hospital and try not to look back. Once I am outside, I turn on my phone and see that Bobby has tried to call me at least six times. I try not to get my hopes up over this as I call him back and head over to where the Impala is parked.
"Where the hell have you been?" Bobby asks in irritation as soon as he answers his phone. "I have been trying to get a hold of you."
"I was in the hospital; couldn't have my phone on in there," I explain. "Dean slipped into a coma over an hour ago; I didn't call you 'cause I didn't want to leave him."
"Damn," he breathes, and I can imagine he is rubbing the back of his neck right now.
"So, did you find out anything?" I ask, trying not to hope too much.
"In fact, I talked to this hunter who dealt with a soul snatcher before." He informs me and my eyes nearly bug out of my skull in excitement.
"What did he tell you?" I ask urgently.
"How to kill the damn thing,” he states simply, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
My heart rate quickens when I hear this and I can feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. "Well, tell me!"
"A soul snatcher will go after someone who is feeling miserable, that’s how they pick their victims. So to kill it we'll need to trick it."
I nod my head even though I know he can't see me. "Okay, I'll be the one to do it."
"Sam, are you sure about this?" Bobby asks hesitantly.
"I have a score to settle with this bitch, I'll be the one to do it. There is no discussing this." I reply determinedly, letting him know there is no changing my mind.
"Alright," I can hear the sigh in his voice. "What you'll have to do is think of something seriously depressing to draw her to you. Once you get her outside you're gonna have to let her kiss you. Only, as soon as the poison enters your mouth you have to blow it back into hers, and blow hard."
"How will I know when it's in my mouth?"
"The hunter said you will taste apples and cinnamon. Weird, I know, but that's what he said."
"How will I know who she is?"
"Not sure since we have no clue what she looks like, but I'm guessin' she'll be real flirtatious and interested in what you're going through. Plus, she has to be the one to kiss you." He says, not sounding too sure. It is our best bet, though.
"Okay, so where am I meeting you? How do we find her?"
"Soul snatcher's frequent one particular place until they feel threatened, so I guess we'll meet up at the Winner's Circle, the bar Dean was at when he met her. Isn't hard to find, it's right on the main strip."
"Alright, see you there." I say before ending the call.
Getting behind the wheel of the Impala, I start up the engine and pull out of the hospital's parking lot. All I can think about is Dean lying in that bed and how desperately I need to find this bitch who put him there before time runs out.
Pulling into the parking lot of the bar I find Bobby standing by his truck. I park the Impala beside him, turn off the engine and step out of the car. Bobby meets me half way, puts his hand on my shoulder and uses his eyes to convey his sympathy. I simply smile awkwardly and ask him how we are going to do this.
"I'm gonna stay out here in my truck and I'll come to your aid if things go south." He explains and I nod my head.
"She can't read my mind, right?" I ask to clarify.
"No, she can't. Why?"
"I know what to think about to make me feel miserable, but she would know what I was up to if she could read my thoughts." I explain. "Well, wish me luck."
He grabs my forearm as I begin to walk away and says, "Be careful in there."
I simply nod my head before heading into the building. After the bouncer checks my I.D., I head over to the bar and order a beer. I glance around the room but no one stands out to me as suspicious. I don't really know what I am looking for, though, and Dean had said she appeared as normal. Looking back, I wish I would have asked him what she looks like, would have made this easier.
With my beer in hand, I find a vacant table off in a corner and sit down. Taking a calming breath, I set my thoughts on Dean alone, dying, in the hospital and immediately my mood changes from vengeful to distressed.
I desperately want to look around the room for the bitch that hurt my brother, but I force myself to stare down at the beer in my hands; keeping the distraught expression on my face.
When ten minutes go by, and then a half hour, I begin to wonder if she is even here. Sucks to think that I may be wasting my time sitting here; especially since I don’t have time to spare.
"What's troubling you sweet cakes?" A feminine voice draws me out of my thoughts.
I look up to find the most beautiful woman staring back at me. Her pitch black hair reaches down to caress her hips and her bright blue eyes make me feel as though I am drowning in them. A blood red halter top covers her perk breasts and a black mini skirt shows off a pair of long, tanned legs.
She smiles seductively at me and motions to the chair across from me; asking permission to join me. As soon as I grant her permission, she sits down and re-asks her previous question.
"It's nothing, really, just feeling a little low. Kinda wallowing in my own self pity, ya know, so I decided to drown my troubles at the bar." I hold onto my inner pain as I speak. "You're welcome to sit here but I probably won't be very good company."
"That's alright; you looked like you could use someone to talk to." She says, batting her eye lashes. "You want to talk about whatever's bothering you? Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, ya know? You can talk to me, I promise not to tell a soul."
I smile at her gratefully when I hear this, though it is the last thing I want to do. "It's my dad, he's in the hospital. He's got cancer and the doctors say it's only a matter of days."
"I am so sorry," she reaches out to grasp my hand when she says this. "Losing a loved one is always difficult."
I want to beat the hell out of her when those words pass through her lips because if she is who I think she is; she is the one taking a loved one from me. "It's just hard, ya know? I mean, I have always been very close to him. I don't know what I'm gonna do without him." I am thinking of Dean as I say this; growing more somber by the minute.
"It looks to me like you could use a little comfort." She whispers flirtatiously, and this action makes me positive that she is the one I am looking for.
"Yeah, maybe you're right." I flirt back, eyeing her form suggestively.
"You want a little comfort tonight?" She licks her lips as she asks this.
"My mom's at home so I can't bring you there." I reply with a feigned look of disappointment.
"You got a car, right?"
"Yeah, it's parked right outside."
She stands up and reaches her hand out to me. "Well then, let's get going stud."
Taking her hand in mine, I lead her outside. Once we exit the building, however, a thought comes to mind. What if she recognizes the Impala? It wasn't that long ago that Dean crossed paths with her. Okay, Sam, think fast, I think to myself, silently conjuring up a plan.
As soon as I release her hand she stops in her tracks and questions me with those alluring eyes of hers. "What's wrong cutie?"
I let out a sigh as I move toward the side of the building, her hot on my heels, hoping that Bobby is watching just in case things don't go as planned.
"I don't want you to get the wrong idea, 'cause I find you to be very attractive, but I just don't know if I can go through with this." I say as I lean against the wall, trying to get her to kiss me right here. She looks at me incredulously, suspicion in her eyes, and I know I am going to blow this if I don't say something fast.
"I'm not the type of guy who does things like this," I explain, looking away shyly for effect.
Her expression softens as she lays a conniving hand on my shoulder. It takes all the self control I have in me not to flinch and violently throw her hand off me. "But you're hurting. You owe it to yourself to relax a while, even if that means doing something you don't normally do." Her voice practically glides over me as she caresses my shoulder with her small fingers. "Besides, I am here, willing to give you some comfort with no questions asked and I'm not wanting anything in return. Don't turn me away."
You lying bitch! I think angrily to myself, though I force myself to calm down. "I just don't think I am in the right mind to be doing something like this. I'm sorry for starting something I can't finish."
She smiles as she moves in front of me and cups my face with her gentle hands. "I understand sweetie, I hope things get easier for you. And I hope this doesn't make you think badly of me but, can I get a kiss before you go? I just can't let you leave without at least getting a taste."
I let a shy smile cross my features before I nod my head bashfully. Without another word, she leans forward and takes possession of my mouth. Instantly a moan escapes my throat. I really don't want to be enjoying this but the moment her lips met mine it was like I was overcome with need. It must be something she is doing to me, there is no other explanation.
The moment her tongue slips past my lips my mouth is filled with the flavors of apples and cinnamon. It is hard to resist the urge to just give myself over to the kiss completely, but a mental image of Dean snaps me out of my daze.
Closing off my throat, I blow the poison back into her mouth with all the will power within me; hoping it reaches her throat. She stumbles back immediately with wide, shocked eyes trained on me. The shock gives way to rage, though, as she grabs me by my throat and slams me into a tree. I grunt in pain from the collision and brace myself for another attack but she stops dead in her tracks.
I watch as her breaths come out in strained pants and her complexion becomes increasingly paler. Her eyes never leave mine as perspiration forms on her forehead. A pain filled scream escapes her mouth and she collapses to the ground just as Bobby rounds the corner. He helps me to my feet and we both watch as her body is wracked with excruciating pain.
Her body convulses a few more times before she is rendered motionless and her body breathes its last breath.
"Never should've messed with my brother." I say as I glare down at her lifeless eyes. "You made one hell of a mistake when you fucked with my family."
Bobby tugs on my arm after a moment and I allow him to lead me away. I let out an exhausted sigh when I reach the Impala, unlocking the driver’s side door and sitting down heavily on the front seat. Bobby stands in front of me with a concerned expression on his face.
"You okay Sam?"
I take a moment to contemplate this question before answering, "Yeah I'm fine, just a little tired after everything. And I'm worried about Dean."
"You managed to kill her Sam; that should’ve saved your brother.”
"I hope you're right." I respond with a growing smile. "I'd do anything for the jerk and there is no way in hell some bitch like her is going to take him away from me."
"Then we should get our asses to that hospital and see if he's awake yet." Bobby says with a wink.
This brings a full fledged smile to my face and I fire up the Impala's engine as I tell Bobby I will see him there. Shutting the door, I practically fly out of the parking lot and onto the road, eager to see Dean.
I am filled with satisfaction when I think of what I have accomplished tonight; no one hurts my brother and gets away with it. I will protect him with my very life; no one will hurt him as long as I am alive. I will see to it as my mission to make sure he doesn't get hurt again. I made a mistake by leaving him, and look what came of it. He was vulnerable and that thing used that to its advantage. I won't let that happen again; won't make that mistake twice. I am here now and I will never walk away again.
Chapter Seven: Sorry
The moment I walk into the room I am relieved to see Dean sitting up in bed with a bowl of Jell-O in hand. I can't help but smile when I see the disgusted look he is giving the lime green Jell-O as he stabs at it with his spoon. It feels so good to see him sitting there with his eyes open. He is still quite pale but at least he is awake and looks to be feeling better than he was.
I just stand in the doorway, unnoticed, for a few moments, simply watching my brother. The joy of seeing him out of his coma is overwhelming. I hadn't wanted to admit it at the time but I was a little worried Dean wouldn't get better, even after killing the soul snatcher. Time had run so thin, I was so worried, wondering if he had run out of it or not.
Seeing him alive and relatively well helps me to breathe a little easier, though. I know everything will be okay now and that helps me to relax for the first time in days. My brother is going to live to see another day, I can't ask for any more than that.
My attention is snapped back the present when Dean turns his head and raises an eyebrow. "How long you been standing there?"
"Not very long," I answer as I move closer to him.
"Uh huh, and when were you planning on lettin' me know?"
"I probably would have eventually."
He smiles at the playful tone of my voice and motions for me to sit down on his bed. "How are you feeling?" I ask as I sit by his legs.
"Oh, I'm good." A wide smile forms when he says this.
"I'm serious Dean, don't lie to me. How are you really feeling?"
"I am being honest with you. Sure, I still feel a bit weak for my taste, which is seriously annoying by the way, but I feel good compared to how I felt before." He takes a hold of my hand when he sees that I am not entirely convinced. "I'm fine Sam, really."
I nod my head and let out the breath I hadn't known I was holding. "I'm glad to hear that."
"So, when you sneaking me outta this joint?" He asks with that mischievous smile of his.
I can't help but chuckle when I hear this. "I don't know, I think it would be good for you to stay another day or two."
"I'm not staying here. Either you bust me out or I leave on my own. It's your choice," he replies stubbornly.
I can't help myself when I reach out and pull him in for a hug. He groans, however, and forces my arms off of him. "No chick flick moments," he grumbles, but I can see the smile in his eyes that he is trying to hide.
He glances over in my direction when I don't say anything and rolls his eyes with another groan when he sees I am giving him a wide smile in response.
Bobby is standing in the doorway when we arrive at his house and he moves to the passenger side of the Impala to help Dean out; ignoring Dean when he begins to bitch about it. We know how my brother is and I think we are both glad to see him to returning to his regular self. I would gladly listen to Dean bitch for the rest of my life just so long as he is there to do it. I honestly don't know what I would do without him, and I'm just grateful for the fact that I didn't have to find out so soon.
Refusing to release Dean's arm, Bobby leads him into the house and helps him sit down on the couch. Dean scowls at him for this action but Bobby simply laughs and says it is good to see him back to his former self. I personally couldn't agree with him more.
Dean ignores this comment and slouches into a more comfortable position, letting out a sigh of pure joy. "Man, I am so glad to be outta there; I would've gone stir crazy if I'd had to stay there a moment longer."
I can't help but laugh when I hear this. "Dean, you were only there about two days, and during most of that time you were in a coma."
"So not the point Sammy."
"It's Sam," I reply, but there is no real heat behind the words.
"Yeah, whatever," he grumbles.
I can't stop a smile from forming on my face as I silently watch my brother, can't keep my eyes off him. It is almost as though I am afraid if I take my eyes off him for even a second he will simply disappear and I'll never see him again. This is ridiculous, I know, but my heart swells with panic when I think of not having him in my life. Now that I have him back, though, I won't be leaving again. I've learnt my lesson; he is stuck with me from here on out.
Bobby clears his throat a moment later and shifts his gaze between me and Dean. "Well, I'm just gonna leave you two alone. Something tells me you have a lot to talk about," he says as he stands up.
"Thanks a lot Bobby, for everything you've done." Dean says before he can leave.
"Don't mention it; I'd do anythin' for you boys." Bobby responds with a sincere smile, only the barest hint of awkwardness, before heading off in the direction of his bedroom.
Dean shifts his gaze to me and my breath gets caught in my throat when I see the intensity in his eyes. I want my body to move toward him, need to be closer, but I find myself rooted in spot.
"I wanted to thank you as well Sam. You never gave up on me, even when I basically told you to." He clears his throat roughly and glances away, obviously uncomfortable with such an emotional topic of conversation.
"You don't need to thank me but you're welcome all-the-same." I respond with a small smile. "Besides, I already told you, I can't live without you. I walked away once before Dean, I won't make that mistake twice."
His eyes are wide with shock, and if the moment wasn't so serious I would laugh at how floored he appears to be. Within an instant, however, his expression changes from shocked to smug; lips curved in a smirk. "Good thing ya finally figured that out college boy. I'm irresistible, makes sense how you couldn't stay away for too long," he says cockily.
I roll my eyes when I hear this and shove his shoulder lightly, even though I find myself smiling fondly a second later. He gives me that cheesy smile of his and I can't help but laugh. It feels good to be goofing off with him again, I miss moments like this. It is moments like this that allow me to forget all the evil lurking in the shadows, these are the only times I feel like Dean and I are normal.
With matching smiles of contentment, we lounge back in our seats and just enjoy the comfortable silence between us. Turning my head, I grin lazily at him for no reason in particular and he raises an eyebrow at this. I simply shrug my shoulders in response and he shakes his head in bemusement, muttering, "You're weird."
"I'm gonna be packing up my things and leaving in the morning, or in the afternoon at the latest," Dean's voice breaks through the silence and I turn my head again to stare at him in disbelief.
"Dean, you just got out of the hospital. You're not even fully recovered yet and you're already thinking about getting back to the job!" The tone of my voice is incredulous. "Don't you ever allow yourself a break?"
"I've been here at Bobby's for a week."
"And you were sick the entire time," I point out.
He releases a sigh and looks at me exasperatedly. "I'm itching to get back on the road Sam; to hunt again. It's what I do, it's my life, and that ain't gonna change any time soon."
I frown when I hear this but still say, "Yeah, I know," in response.
"Are you gonna come with me?" He asks casually but I can still detect the nervousness he is trying to hide.
"Haven't you heard a word I've said tonight?" I ask as I reach out and take his hand in mine. "I told you I wasn't gonna leave you again and I meant it."
"Yeah, I know," he replies softly. I can tell he wants to believe me but is still leery about the whole thing. That is alright though; it just shows that I have my work cut out for me if I want to regain his trust again.
"I'm serious Dean, I'm not going anywhere." I say firmly as I move to sit next to him on the couch, our thighs pressed against each other. "I meant what I said in the hospital. I love you Dean. That is why I left that night. I was hurting so much 'cause I thought you'd never love me back. I thought you'd be disgusted if you knew the truth."
"I wouldn't have been disgusted Sam, even if I didn't return your feelings. There's nothing you could do that would disgust me, and there ain't a chance in hell I would ever turn my back on ya," Dean replies sincerely.
"Some part of me knew that, but I was still scared. You mean so much to me, I was afraid of losing you." I smile when I feel him squeeze my hand reassuringly. "I don't have to worry about any of that now, though, so I am definitely going with you in the morning."
"Damn, and here I was hopin' to leave your ass behind," Dean says sarcastically.
"Nah, you're not getting rid of me that easily."
He snorts at this. "Nothin' concerning you is ever easy."
I tell him to shut up and shove his shoulder less than gentle. We share a laugh and I pull him into my arms when I see the wide, joyful smile gracing his features. I am quite surprised when he actually gets comfortable and rests his head against my chest. I chalk it up to the fact that he is still recovering, because he usually wouldn't be this touchy feely.
Lazily, I run my fingers through his hair, lovingly massaging his scalp. Dean lets out a sigh of contentment as he leans into my touch, and I use my other hand to lightly caress his arm.
I don't know how long we sit like this, but I thoroughly enjoy the down time. If I could sit here like this forever, there is no doubt in my mind that I would. It feels so good having him in my arms, right where he belongs. I don't know how I lived without this for so long. Makes me wish I would have told him how I felt sooner.
Leaning down, the tips of his hair brushing against my face, I whisper softly, "I love you Dean."
Dean lifts his head and simply stares at me, as if judging me, and then a smile grows on his face. "You too," he replies just as softly.
I shake my head fondly and let out a chuckle, "I swear, one day I am going to get you to say you love me."
Dean's smile instantly turns into a smirk. "Keep trying all you want Sasquatch."
Instead of giving a smart-assed comment in response, I cup his face and capture his lips with my own. The kiss starts out slow and sensual, lips touching lightly. When Dean opens his mouth, however, I slip my tongue inside and the kiss becomes more heated. First I run my tongue over his palate teasingly and then meet his tongue head on; touching every inch of it that I can.
Tilting my head for better access, I deepen the kiss and can't stop a moan from escaping my throat. I could easily become addicted to the taste of him. It is something unique, completely exotic, and what I can only describe as purely Dean. Placing a hand on the back of my neck, Dean presses closer until his body is against mine, like he is trying to crawl inside of me.
When air becomes an issue I am forced to pull away. We both take a couple of deep breaths and I find myself smiling bashfully. Running my hand across his cheek in a caressing fashion, I lean down once more and place a soft, closed mouth kiss to his lips. In the most affectionate gesture he has ever shown, he places a kiss at my temple before resting his head against my chest once again. I just wrap my arms around him tighter and we sit in comfortable silence.
Turning toward the front door of the house, I see Dean walk out with the last bag of what little possessions we own. Taking the bag from him, I place it in the trunk of the Impala and then firmly close it. Bobby heads out of the house at this moment and hands us each a bottle of water, saying it will hold us over until we can get something.
Dean nods gratefully. "Well, I guess we should hit the road. Thanks for all the help Bobby."
"You know, you two can stop by and visit sometimes when ya aren't in trouble or in the middle of a crisis." Bobby teases lightly.
"We'll keep that in mind," I respond with a laugh.
"Alright then, get outta here."
Doing just as he commands, Dean gets behind the wheel as I climb in on the passenger side. The smile that lights up Dean's face makes one grow on my own. Never thought I would see the day where I would actually look forward to be going on the road again. Guess there is a first time for everything.
"Feels good to be behind the wheel of my baby again," Dean says as he puts the Impala in reverse and then we are leaving Bobby's place behind.
Another smile crawls onto my face when he turns Metallica on blast and I lean back in my seat; enjoying the feeling of relaxation that has washed over me. Reaching over, I lace my fingers with Dean's and smile widely. He frowns slightly but doesn't pull his hand away. He still isn't used to these intimate gestures, but he will be eventually because I am going to do it as often as I can.
Chapter Eight: Lost in This Moment
When Dean finally decides to pull over for the night, after much of my whining, he parks in front of some cheap motel and I head inside to get us a room. Dean is waiting for me beside the Impala with our bags in hand, and when he sees me exit the office I motion for him to follow me.
Unlocking the door, we step inside and I wait for my eyes to adjust to the blue monochrome shadows of the room so I can find the light switch. Dean finds the switch before I even start looking, though, and, with a flick of his wrist, the room is engulfed with pale light.
Tossing our bags onto one of the beds Dean sits down on the other and wearily runs a hand down his face. Now that the light has allowed me to see him clearly I can see how exhausted he is. I was wondering how the drive would be on him, and now I know. He is just too stubborn for his own good. I didn't think he was ready to hit the road so soon, but he wouldn't listen to me and I didn't want to pressure him.
Moving to sit next to him, I place my hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture and this finally draws his attention to me. "You want to take a shower, or maybe lay down for a while? You must be exhausted, you surely look it."
Dean lets out a sigh and turns his head away, staring down at the worn carpet. "As tired as I am, I'm much too wired to sleep. A warm shower sounds like heaven, though."
"You go take a shower then and I'll lay down the salt."
Dean nods his head in agreement as he stands up and opens his duffel. Pulling out a pair of clean boxer briefs and a t-shirt, he heads into the bathroom without so much a word and I hear the shower start a moment later.
Releasing a deep sigh, I grab the salt and place some in front of the door and the lining of the windows. Salt probably isn't necessary but I'm being cautious. Once that task is taken care of I am left with nothing to do, so I sit down on my bed and turn on the TV. My mind is too consumed with thoughts for me to be able to really focus on the television, though.
Dean and I haven't talked about what is going on between us yet and I am becoming a little anxious. He hasn't even shown any signs that there is something between us. I am beginning to question if he is as serious about this as I am, or maybe he is having second thoughts. I really hope that isn't the case because I don't think I will survive after being given a taste of what it could be like.
I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions, though. I need to sit Dean down and talk this out. We have definitely put it off long enough. Sure, we did talk a little that night at Bobby's, but we haven't made anything official. I would just feel better if I knew for sure that we are in a relationship. Call me a girl if you want to, but I need that stability; that reassurance.
I lift my eyes away from the TV. I'm not even watching when Dean exits the bathroom and I watch intently as he sits down on his bed. After a few moments of my constant staring, he turns his head and gives me a 'what the fuck?' look.
"Somethin' on your mind Sammy,” He asks in half concern, half annoyance.
It's now or never, I silently tell myself before rising from my bed and moving to sit beside him. "Yeah, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."
"Well, spit it out already."
"Look, Dean, we haven't talked about what's going on between us since we left Bobby's," I say softly; unsure what his reaction will be.
He shrugs his shoulders. "What else is left to say? Thought we already got it out in the open."
I simply stare at him in disbelief. "We talked about how we both felt; we never actually made anything official Dean."
Dean shakes his head in amusement and this action makes me want to hit him. "I told ya how I felt Sam; I wouldn't have told ya if I didn't want to take it anywhere."
Okay, now I feel like a moron, I think to myself in embarrassment. "And you're okay with a relationship with me? I mean, I'll be enough for you, right? And you know no one's gonna accept or understand us. Bobby, Ellen, Jo... hell, the whole world! They're all gonna look down on us for this."
"For one, of course you're enough for me Sam. You're the only one I'd want a relationship with, it's always been you. And for another, I don't care what anyone else thinks of us. I have never cared what anyone thinks about me. People don't need to understand, much less the world. All that matters to me is we have each other and are happy. Sounds to me like this is botherin' you, though."
"Sure, it's all a little scary, but I would gladly lose everyone in my life so long as I have you. You're the one person I can't lose."
"Well, I can't promise I'll always be with ya, but as long as I'm here you can rest assured that I won't leave your side." Dean says sincerely, but I can tell how uncomfortable this conversation is making him. Any time we even remotely touch an emotional topic he becomes tense and fidgety. I am grateful for the fact that he is at least trying, though.
Slapping a hand down on Dean's knee to break the intense moment, I let a wide smile cross my face as I stand up. "Guess I should go grab us a bite to eat," I say after clearing my throat, awkwardly. "A bag of grease for you?"
"Uh, yeah... yeah, a hamburger and fries sound good." Dean says, watching me intently.
"Okay, I'll be back soon then." I say as I head to the door, Dean following closely behind.
Even as I reach the door there is this little voice inside telling me I shouldn't leave just yet. With my hand lingering on the doorknob, I turn to face Dean and smile nervously. Dean just smiles back a bit awkwardly and runs a hand through his hair, causing it to stand up in odd directions. I can't help but find the sight to be adorable, and I end up staring for longer than I want to.
There is no denying the sexual tension between us. I feel it so strongly that it seems to be suffocating me. I am not sure if Dean wants us to take our relationship to that level so soon, but I feel that if I don't find out soon I just might go insane from it all. I know I should probably ignore it and just go grab us some food, but I can't seem to make that move.
Without so much as a second thought, I move into Dean's personal space and place my right hand on the back of his neck. Not giving my mind time to over analyze my actions, I pull Dean in and attach our lips. As soon as our mouths meet all coherent thoughts leave me and I just melt into the embrace; overwhelmed by a sense of belonging.
Moving my hand from Dean's neck, I place it against his firm chest and can faintly feel the racing heart beat against my palm. I rub this place gently as I pry Dean's mouth open with my tongue; plunging into the warm cavern. I am driven on pure adrenaline and lust; attacking my brother's mouth in raw need.
Dean actually lets out a gasp when I pull him closer; having felt my erection pressing into his hip. I just allow myself to be caught up in this delicious moment, clutching at Dean's arms and pulling our bodies into as much contact as possible.
A grunt is forced out of him when I grab a firm hold of him and push him against the wall; effectively trapping him. He almost groans when I pull out of the kiss, but a moan escapes instead when I move my lips down to his highly sensitive neck. By now I am as hard as a rock and in dire need of release. Yet, at the same time, I want to draw this out for as long as possible. I have been dreaming about this for so long and I don't want to see it come to an end.
I have to pull away from the surprisingly soft skin of Dean's neck when I feel him attempting to remove my shirt. I willingly aid Dean in this task and take time to observe the beautiful work I did on his neck. I just couldn't help myself, couldn't pass up the opportunity of marking him as my own.
Using his right hand, Dean reaches out and touches my newly exposed chest; butterfly touches that leave goose bumps in their wake. He is treating my body like a precious antique, which is so uncharacteristic for him that I am tempted to mutter "christo" just to see if he is possessed.
Passion fills our bodies, and soon I am attacking Dean's lips once again; hands roaming freely. The moan that leaves his throat only manages to turn me on more, which I wasn't even aware was possible. Becoming increasingly impatient, I rip Dean's shirt off of him violently. Dean gasps at the sudden roughness, obviously something he never thought I was capable of. He isn't complaining, though. I can tell my actions have actually filled his body with excitement. I have never felt such a raw need for another person before; never wanted someone as much as I want the man in front of me.
I remove my lips from Dean's warm, wet mouth and glance down at the nicely built chest that has been revealed to me. Licking my lips, I move my mouth down to cover a nipple, where I begin to suck lightly and nip at the erect nub. My reward is a breathless moan that escapes Dean's kiss swollen lips.
Dean eases me away from his chest a moment later and smiles lustfully. "Let's take this to my bed, will probably be more comfortable."
Hearing these words send a shiver of anticipation and excitement down my spine, and I waste no time in getting Dean beneath my slightly trembling body; where I have wanted him for years.
Trembling in a post orgasmic haze, I lie back against the cool sheets with a smile on my face. My smile widens when I feel Dean roll over, placing his head on my shoulder and his hand on my chest. I watch as a genuinely happy expression forms on his face as he feels the rhythm of my heart beat. I can't quite believe I am lying here with Dean because I never thought this to be possible.
I tighten my hold on Dean briefly; just enjoying this moment. There is no better feeling in the world, in my opinion, than having Dean lying in my arms. If I had it my way I would never let go of him. Now that I have had a taste of what it is like to be with him, I don't think I can live without this.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?" I ask in concern; lightly patting Dean on his bare behind.
"Of course not, I could take it." Dean replies as if the thought is absurd and then he lifts his head and kisses me lazily.
"I'm glad to hear that because it was the best experience of my life." I say honestly; kissing my brother's forehead affectionately.
"You're such a girl Sam," Dean grumbles, and I may not be able to see him but I know he just rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, maybe," I reply with a chuckle.
Dean absentmindedly runs his fingers along my chest in a soft caress as he says, "For the sake of not turning this into a chick flick moment, I'm gonna assume you know how I really feel about what we just shared."
I can't help but grin at this. "Yeah, Dean, I know." I respond with a blissful smile as I tighten my arms around him. "I love you."
Lifting his head, Dean gives me a small smile. "Me too," he practically whispers.
I am sure there is a bright smile lighting up my face when I hear these words, and then I roll over on top of him; kissing him with all the emotions inside of me. I am the one to pull away a moment later; looking down upon his face. "You know, I swear I will get you to tell me you love me on day; using the actual words."
A smirk instantly slides into place while his eyes shine in amusement. "Whatever you say, geek boy.”
Rolling my eyes in mock annoyance, I roll onto my back and then force my body into a sitting position. I can feel Dean's eyes on my back as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed. Glancing over my shoulder, I send him a smile before tossing his jeans at him.
"Time to grab some food and I don't feel like going alone, so get your ass dressed and lets go."
"Fine," he grumbles in response as he slips his jeans on, "but I'm getting some sleep as soon as we get back, I'm wiped out."
I grin naughtily at this and he simply rolls his eyes. Dressing quickly, I stick my hand in Dean's pocket and fish out the keys to the Impala. He looks at me expectantly but I just shrug and say, "I'm driving," before heading toward the door.
Dean mutters something behind me but I don't quite catch what was said. "Oh, and since I'm driving, I'm in control of the radio."
"None of that crap you call music Sam," Dean instantly bitches, like I had expected him to.
"Not crap Dean. Don't worry, though, I won't put on anything that will kill you... just Justin Timberlake." I smile deviously once this is said.
"Oh God, kill me now!" Dean grumbles unhappily behind me and my smile widens. Damn good to have him back; don't know how I'd live without these moments. He's just so fun to torture, I think to myself evilly as Dean follows me, somewhat begrudgingly, out of the room.