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Persona Fever Dream

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Joker: Okay guys, it’s time to start our Phantom Thieves podcast auditions. We need to get our eighth member.

Makoto: But Joker why do we need eight people.

Joker: Because fuck you. Anyway, bring in the first applicant.

*Yukari walks in*

Yukari: Hello, I’m Yukari Takeba, and I’m a mode-

*Ann runs up to Yukari and stabs her in the face*

Ann: There’s only room for one thot in this brigade, and that’s me. Bitch.

Joker: Okay, well she failed. Next.

*Wilma Flintstone walks in*

Wilma: Hello I’m here to audition for the TV show?

Joker: What TV show?

Wilma: The ghost-stone thieves one.

Joker: Who the fuck are you?

Wilma: I don’t like that language. FRED!

Joker: Morgana, if you’d please.

Morgana: Yes Joker.

*Morgana runs up to Wilma*

Morgana: Go the fuck to sleep.

*Morgana hits Wilma with a 2x4*

Yusuke: She’s failed as well.

Joker: It’s going to be a long day.


***Meanwhile in the city***

Minato: Minako, what are you doing?

Minako: I want to become a phantom thief.

Minato: But Minako, you know you’re not allowed out of the kennel except for once every 9 years.

Minako: But brother, it’s time for me to shine and be my own person.

Minato: But you’ll neve be your own person. You’re just me with brown hair and tits.

Minako: I’m not an emo edgelord though.

Minato: Oh no that made me want to kill myself.

Minako: Okay, he should be angsty for about 5 minutes. Now’s my chance.

*Minako runs away*

Minato: Dammit foiled again.


***Back at Cafe LeBlanc***

Joker: Okay guys I’m going outside for a quick break.

*Joker walks outside*

Joker: What a beautiful day to be alive in Tokyo and not be someone who steals hearts in another world. Totally don’t do that.

*Mitsuru walks by*

Joker: Oh, hello Mitsuru. Would you like to audition for the phantom thieves?

Mitsuru: No. I’m too rich and famous to partake in such activities.

Joker: Are you sure?

Mitsuru: Yes.

Joker: Aw.

Mitsuru: Okay I need to go be much better than you anywhere else now.

*Mitsuru leaves*

*Joker returns inside LeBlanc*

Joker: Okay guys let’s continue auditions.

Makoto: Actually Joker we’ve decided to hand pick four people to audition since open auditions weren’t going well.

Joker: Oh, okay. Who did you pick?

*Hifumi, Mishima, Kasumi, and Haru enter LeBlanc*

Makoto: Those are our four auditionees.

Haru: Wait guys I’m not here to audition I”m already a phantom thie-

Joker: Don’t get ahead of yourself, poodle.

Haru: But I’m already-

Joker: That’s it poodle’s out. You other three, come with me.

*Hifumi, Mishima, and Kasumi follow the others upstairs, leaving Haru alone in LeBlanc*

Haru: But I’m already a phantom thief…


***Meanwhile in the city***

*Minako runs through Shibuya as fast as she can*

Minako: I need to hurry and make it to the auditions before they’re finishe-

*Minako runs into Akihiko. He turns around and sees her.*

Akihiko: Oh hello, Minako. Has it been 9 years already?

Minako: No I’ve escaped and am trying to get an audition to be a phantom thief.

Akihiko: What’s that?

Minako: It’s a super cool and hip podcast. It’s, as the cool kids say these days, “cool beans”.

Akihiko: Minako nobody has said “cool beans” since 2010.

Minako: Oh no, I thought my slang was so hip and happening.

Akihiko: Please stop trying to be cool and I will help you get to your audition.

Minako: Wait how?

*Akihiko throws Minako over his shoulder and starts sprinting*

Minako: I thought you were a boxer not a sprinter.

Akihiko: Has any Persona logic been applied to this dumb story at all?

Minako: Oh true.


***Back in LeBlanc***

Joker: Okay so your first step is to awaken your persona.

Mishima: My what?

Hifumi: How?

Joker: You go into another universe, get a migraine and rip your face off.

Mishima: Wait what.

Futaba: Joker they can’t awaken until they’ve been accepted.

Joker: Oh, right. In that case, pretend to awaken your persona, so we can see if it looks cool.

Mishima: Do I still have to rip my face off?

Joker: Sure.

Makoto: Please don’t, it won’t grow back unlike if you actually awaken.

Kasumi: What logical sense does that make?

Ann: It doesn’t.

Kasumi: K.

Joker: Okay Hifumi your turn.

*Hifumi goes super sayan and starts ground pounding the floor*


Joker: Okay thank you Hifumi we’ll keep in touch if you’re selected.

*Hifumi leaves*

Futaba: You’re not calling her back are you?

Joker: No I’m deleting her number and forgetting I ever met her.

Makoto: Okay Mishima your turn.

*Mishima gets on his knees and clasps his hands together*


Joker: Thank you Mishima we’ll get back to you if you’re selected.

Mishima: Are you deleting my number and forgetting you ever met me?

Joker: Yes.

Mishima: Okay.

*Mishima sulkily walks away*

Kasumi: Is it my turn now?

Makoto: Actually we decided we picked you before we auditioned the other two.

Kasumi: Why?

Makoto: Because you seem like, as the kids say these days, a “boss ass bitch.”

Kasumi: K.

Joker: We will awaken your true persona later.

Kasumi: Will my awakening be super cool like you said?

Joker: I feel like yours will be relatively disappointing and a lame anime reference.


***Back with Minako and Akihiko***

*Akihiko arrives at LeBlanc*

Akihiko: Go Minako!

*Minako sprints inside*

Minako: Hello I’m here to audition for the Phantom Thieves.

Joker: Oh, sorry, the role is taken.

Minako: But can I try anyway?

Joker: No.

Minako: Why not?

Joker: We only accept canon characters.

Minako: But Kasumi is-

Kasumi: I was retconned into canon you silly canon wannabe.

Joker: Okay guys let’s go do things somewhere else so the not-canon character can have plot development.

*Everyone else leaves, leaving Minako and Akihiko alone*

Aikihiko: Are you okay Minako?

Minako: Akihiko, let’s make our own podcast. It’ll rival theirs.

Akihiko: K. But what should be call it?

Minako: We’ll call it…






....the Phantom Twats.

Sojiro: So are you two gonna get coffee or?

***To be continued (maybe)***