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In Silence

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Being honest, I was acting like a damn teenager whose hormones obnubilate his judgment. It was humiliating to realize that I had created a stupid routine in which I pretended to correct works and exams while watching him fulfill his detention.

 

“I'm done, Professor Snape.” He said to me.

 

That line that exists between ethically correct and what was neither so ethical nor so correct I had exceeded it. It was more than obvious that what I was doing wasn’t acceptable. Imposing punishment on a student who is not guilty - not even within my standards - was the most embarrassing thing I’ve done in my life.

 

Wanting to be close to that student because I couldn't control a certain attraction I had towards him was really stupid. But what was truly unimaginable was the fact of having certain thoughts quite inappropriate for that student.

 

Worst of all was that "that student" was my godson's boyfriend, whom I considered my own son.

 

Absurd...

 

But, as much as I tried to avoid it, I couldn't ... it was tempting when I was alone with him, always thinking about how easy it would be to approach him, touch him and ...

 

-Well, Mr. Potter, you can retire.-I said

 

I hate the moment when he takes his things and leaves, leaving me completely alone, wrapped in a silence that began to weigh the same day I discovered how much I liked his voice.

I saw him walking slowly, his cane echoed in the silence of the room; the war, like to many people, had left consequences. Potter's had come in the form of a useless leg for life; as well as the pains that accompanied and the eternal disappointment of never being able to reassemble a broom or choose the auror career.

"Excuse me again for the disaster I made," he said, and I realized that I had been staring at him, I hadn't even been able to hide my gaze when he turned around the moment he reached the door

I felt even more miserable again receiving his apologies when i had caused that explosion - and the many others - just to be able to punish him.

Ridiculous ...

A man of almost 40 years, obsessed with a boy of 18! With the damn boy who lived! Even the war was not over, I could not live in peace.

“You don't have to worry about, Potter” I said trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible “just try to be more careful next time”.

 

I felt like Garbage ...

 

He was in silence.

 

It didn't bother me at all that he stayed there, with me, but I was finding it strange that he hadn't left yet. He had his eyes on me, or that seemed to try, because his eyes were restless, as if he could not observe a fixed point for more than two seconds.

I didn't dare to break the silence that had fallen between us, I didn't want to. If I did, I knew I would hasten his departure, and it was something I was not willing to facilitate

"Can I ask you a question?" He asked, squeezing his cane tightly.

 

I looked down at my desk for a moment, pretending to flip through the papers I had to look up again and nod.

 

“It's ... it's more advice ... you know” he began to babble.

He tried to find something in his backpack, his movements were clumsy because he also held the cane. In the end his nervousness caused everything to fall to the ground.

“Sometimes you are useless, Mr. Potter” I said with a grimace.

 

“Excuse me” he said with a nervous smile, while trying to collect everything, he didn't realize when I approached to help him.

 

“You know Mr. Potter, you are a magician, and one of the most powerful in case you forget”

Contrary to everything, I crouched down to take the last object left on the ground. It was a small box that had been opened by the fall, revealing a ring, a simple ring - which luckily was still embedded in the pad - with a modest but significant stone: a diamond. I was paralyzed.

 

“At least the ring stayed in the box.” said Harry

“This is....

“With that is that I want you to help me. I will ask Draco for marriage and ... I need advice”

 

Impossible.

 

“Potter, I don't think ...”

 

“Harry” he interrupted me with one of those smiles that weakened me “you named Harry before”.

 

I sighed.

 

“Harry, I don't think I'm the right guy to help you with anything like that.”

 

How masochistic would it be to help him? The news of the marriage would be enough to sink me even more than I already was.

 

“It will only be a moment, I promise.”

 

I sighed deeply, and that seemed to give him the confirmation he was expecting.

“It's ... I'm thinking of doing something special to ... you know, ask him to marry me.”

His eyes were fixed on the jewel between his fingers, nervously squeezing the small box.

 

“And where did I go in all of this?”

 

“I wanted you to give me an idea about what I could do. -"He looked up at me and bit his lip slightly."- You know Draco very well, and know what he would like.

 

“But you are the one who will marry him” I said, trying to keep myself as neutral as possible while saying those words “you should know better than me what he would like.”

 

I saw him biting his lip, he looked exasperated and devilishly charming at that moment. I really had to control myself to do nothing inappropriate, but I was finding it difficult.

"I can't think anything good!" He said, raising his voice, he seemed really desperate. "I've thought about a million things, and nothing seems enough to me."

 

“Enough? Mr. P ... Harry, you're going to ask Draco to marry you, he might be something ... extravagant, sometimes, but knowing your nonsense I doubt very much that anything you have thought is less than enough.”

 

“I just want to do something special” his eyes seemed to wane, I didn't think he would cry for something so simple “something that makes him never forget that moment.”

 

I looked at him for a long time, trying to understand how I was trying to help the person I loved to ask another to marry. But I must understand that he wasn't for me, and I couldn't change anything.

 

“Tell me some of your ideas.”

 

I leaned against one of the nearby tables and crossed my arms, he closed his eyes and took a few seconds to answer.

“Mmmm ... I was going to invite him to a restaurant, I was planning to stop in the middle of dinner and propose.”

 

“It's not a bad idea.” Technically it wasn't a bad idea, but just thinking about it was making me angry inside “Why doesn't it convince you?”

 

“Don't you feel it’s very simple?”

 

“Do you want to release butterflies and sound the wedding march while you declare?” I could not avoid to smile while saying that, and my smile was even greater when I saw him blush.

“No! of course not.” He ran a hand through his hair nervously “It's just ...” he paused, approached one of the tables and leaned against it, facing me “Like ... How would you ask someone to marry you?”

 

The question took me off guard. Long ago nothing took me by surprise enough to leave me without immediate response. I think even he was surprised when he saw me gasp.

“We may have slightly different ideas.”

 

"I really want to know," he said, and I couldn't find the slightest trace of mockery in his eyes. I cleared my throat.

 

"Are you sure?" I said as I approached him, he just nodded.

 

I took the box that was in his hands and put it in my pocket. I dimmed the lights with a wand movement.

 

“It would really be something I would rather do in a private moment.” another wand movement and the room was flooded with the sound of a violin. Finish shortening the distance between us; with one hand I took him waist, with the other I removed his cane: “I promise you won't need this” I whispered as close as I could to his face. I was taking advantage of the situation, but it was inevitable. Perform one last spell, this time on him, to make it easier for me to move him.

 

“I have always thought that these kinds of things are too intimate, that it only belongs to two ...”

 

“... And no one else” he complete while blushing.

 

I couldn't help smiling at him

 

“Exactly, Harry.”

 

I narrowed it as much as I could, he was shorter than me, and I loved the way we docked. We circled around the room, he had his head resting on my shoulder, and I aspired to the beautiful scent of his hair.

“I could” I concentrated on talking, I felt that I was being dragged too much by the situation “preparing a dinner, at his home or mine” I kept the hug tight, he did not complain because he was surely thinking that I used to help him dance “invent an excuse, like I want to spend some time with him. Then I would ask him to dance ...”

“Like this?” I heard that he whisper quite low, rather it seemed to sigh.

“Like this” I escaped in a half smile-I would talk about trivial things, but I know he likes it. I would tell him how nice he looked this morning when he got up, maybe I could tell him that I am the luckiest man to have him between my arms.

I felt he raised his head and fixed his beautiful eyes on me. I was hypnotized, I wanted to have them just for myself and be able to admire them as many times as I wanted, and not only from far and in silence.

I felt his breath on my face, we were so close that I could almost ...

“And then, Mr. Snape?”

He asked in a soft voice taking me out of my reverie. I realized that I was about to kiss him, it was what I had most wanted for a long time. I was still close enough to do it, I was thinking about it; join our lips and try the fate of whether or not it corresponded to me.

But I couldn't do it.

If he reciprocated, he would feel guilty for cheating on Draco, Harry was too innocent. But if he didn't kiss me back, he would get away from me, and I didn't want that.

While looking deep into his eyes, I take courage to speak.

“Then I would say: love, there is something I want to tell you for a long time” cause of his leg, I made him lean on one of the tables, and I kneel down. In my main plan was not to do it, after the fall of the dark lord I did not plan to kneel before anyone else. But it was strange how in front of Harry all my convictions changed.

I took the box out of my pocket and showed him the ring.

“Would you do me the honor of marrying me?”

Silence. We were be completely silent and not move for about two minutes. At one point I saw that he parted his lips, ready to say something, but the sound of the door being knocked don’t let him to speak

“Severus, it's me.”

I wouldn't have words to say how quickly we parted. I immediately turned off the music and increased the lights. When I opened the door Draco was on the other side, with his arms crossed and giving small knocks on the floor with one foot.

“Have you seen Potter's fool? I've searched everywhere.”

"Draco," Harry said inside the room.

“Until you appear”-exclaimed my godson pushing me to enter and walk to his boyfriend.

 

“I was finishing his punishment.” I comment without looking at the couple while I walked to my desk.

 

“Yes, yes.” I heard Potter said “I was going to look for you.”

“You should stop exploding cauldrons,” Draco reproached him, when I look at them I can see how his waist was wrapped around him with an arm “you spend more time with my godfather than with me.”

"I don't think this is the place for your love shows," I said in a serious tone of voice. I was not willing to see how another kissed Harry, let alone after having him so close...

I watched Draco smiled at me: "We're going Severus." And taking Harry by the wrist he turned to leave.

Even being the best spy in the world, the expression on Harry's face before turning around I could not figure out. When they disappeared behind the door I felt a huge emptiness and, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to cry. But I would not.

I realized that when Draco arrived I put the ring in my pocket. I took the box and opened it, contemplating for a while the jewel. In my opinion, it was so simple and beautiful at the same time. I would have to ask one of the elves the next morning to take it to Harry, and give it to him when he is alone. Meanwhile, just for that night, I would be revealed until late watching the ring and imagining how beautiful it would be sounded that Harry had said to me "I accept."