Things are awkward. Things had been fine when Kurt first ditched Blaine to go hit a five-hour flash sale with Mercedes, because Finn's Xbox had still been working. Then Puck had shown up and thrown his controller when Blaine kicked his ass at Madden, and now they were all just kind of sitting on Finn's bed. Awkwardly. So, so awkwardly. Blaine's not sure things could get more awkward.
"So," Finn says. "Gay sex."
Well. Blaine was certainly wrong about that.
"Dude," Puck says, shooting Finn a look. "You can't just act like gay sex is the only thing Blaine cares about. He has other interests. Probably."
"Thanks?" Blaine says, because he's not entirely sure that's the right response.
"No problem," Puck says, clapping him on the back. Blaine's sitting between Finn and Puck on the bed, awkwardly fidgeting while all three of them stare at the wall, and he can't help feeling like this is the beginning of the world's least hot porn. Or something.
"I was just gonna ask, like, how that works," Finn says after a minute.
"Really?" Puck asks. "That's all you could think of to fill the silence?"
"I like football," Blaine says desperately. "We can talk about football."
"Well, no, but like. It just seems like so much effort," Finn says, holding his hand up and making a truly horrifying motion where he jams his finger repeatedly at his closed fist. "It's like, why do laundry when there's Febreeze, you know?"
"No," Blaine says tightly, not even touching the obvious hygiene issue in Finn's misguided example. "No, I don't know."
"You don't even know what you're talking about, dude," Puck says, rolling his eyes.
"And you do?"
"I know some stuff," Puck says, glaring at Finn. "Or are you forgetting that time you made me google prostates?"
Blaine's eyes go wide, but he decides it's better not to ask.
"Yeah, well so do I!" Finn says, reaching over Blaine to push at Puck's shoulder.
"Like what? You just compared anal to Febreeze," Puck says, pushing back.
"Okay, I am uncomfortable," Blaine pipes up, because they're both leaning over him to shove at each other while discussing who knows more about gay sex, and Blaine is not forgiving Kurt for leaving him here for at least a week.
"I know stuff," Finn repeats, thankfully sitting back and staring angrily at Puck instead of leaning over Blaine to reach him. "Or are you totally forgetting about freshman year, Puckerman?"
"Dude," Puck hisses. "Shut up."
"Wait," Blaine says, raising an eyebrow. "What?"
"Puck kissed me freshman year," Finn says, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Okay, first of all, you kissed me," Puck snaps, "and second, we pinky-sweared on that shit, dude, come on."
"You kissed me," Finn insists. "Maybe if you'd stop lying I wouldn't have to break promises."
"I'm not lying, asshat," Puck says, leaning back over Blaine to punch Finn's shoulder. "Besides, the first rule of Make Out Club is you don't talk about Make Out Club, and you just broke it."
Blaine would assume they've entirely forgotten that he's there, except that Puck is practically in his lap now trying to reach Finn, and Finn's scrambling around behind Blaine's back so he can try to punch Puck in the back of the leg, and Blaine's suddenly worried that he's actually going to get further with both of them than he's managed to get with Kurt. Something is not right here.
"I'm sure it was very great for both of you," Blaine says loudly, trying to squirm out from between them. "Really, who wouldn't want to kiss you, what with your obvious maturity and the lyrical charm of your grunting."
It was the wrong thing to say. It was actually something Kurt would probably say.
"Hey, fuck you, I'm a great kisser!" Puck says, sitting up and staring at Blaine.
"I wouldn't say great," Finn says, straightening up on Blaine's other side. "I'm pretty sure I was a better kisser than you even back in freshman year, dude."
"What the hell?" Puck says. "Do you need me to call Lauren? Or Santana? Or Brittany? Or Rachel? They can all tell you exactly how great a kisser I am."
"Dude, shut up about Rachel," Finn says, his jaw tightening. Finn can get kind of intense about Rachel, and Kurt said he's been getting even worse now that Jesse is back in the picture. Blaine scrambles for something to say to keep things from getting ugly.
"Gentlemen," Blaine says. "There is an obvious solution here." He has no idea what the solution is, but he's sure there is one.
"Yeah, there is," Puck says angrily. "I'm gonna kiss the fuck out of Finn and he's going to apologize."
"That makes no sense," Finn says. "I already know you're a bad kisser, dude, and kissing you again isn't gonna change that."
"Yeah it will, because I'm awesome now and I was awesome then and you're a frickin' idiot."
"The entire point is that I don't think you're awesome," Finn says, and Blaine is a little impressed but mostly baffled at Finn's attempts at logic right now. "Kissing you again isn't going to change that. What we need is someone to kiss us both and tell us who's better."
"Rachel's still on my speed dial," Puck says, reaching for his phone, and then Finn's sprawling across Blaine's lap, trying to wrestle the phone out of Puck's hands, and Blaine's legitimately frightened that he might die. This is how his life is going to end - being homoerotically flattened by his boyfriend's giant of a brother.
"Stop!" Blaine yells when Finn's knee comes dangerously close to his dick. "Stop it right now."
"Oh," Puck says, pulling back and tilting his head. Something about the way he's looking Blaine up and down is making him nervous.
"Oh what?" Finn says, huffing as he crawls off of Blaine and sits up.
"Oh 'Blaine is right here and gay and probably totally wants to hit this anyway, so we can just let him judge,' oh," Puck says, rolling his eyes.
"I'm pretty sure that's offensive," Finn says. "Kurt tells me all the time that just because he's gay it doesn't mean he's hot for every guy around."
"Well yeah, I knew that," Puck says, "or else Kurt would have tried to hit on me ages ago."
"That is not the point," Blaine groans, wondering if they'd notice if he just left. Kurt warned Blaine what he'd do if Blaine went around kissing anyone else, and Blaine isn't even drunk this time. "And I'm not making out with either of you."
"Why not?" Puck asks. "I'm hot, and Hudson's passable, I guess. We just need an impartial judge."
"So call someone you know. Who is not Rachel," Blaine amends quickly. "You both know other girls. What about Lauren?"
"Yeah," Puck says. "That's not a good idea. I don't know if Finn could handle that."
"I could handle it just fine. You're just scared because she already asked us to make out that one time," Finn says.
"Why am I still here?" Blaine asks himself. "I have a car."
"Dude, it's not a big deal," Puck says. "Just-- come on. Kiss both of us and tell us who's better."
"I have a boyfriend," Blaine says. "My boyfriend is your brother," he adds, staring at Finn.
"So just text him and ask," Puck says with a shrug.
"You have a girlfriend, Puck," Blaine reminds him. "And I'm pretty sure she could kick your ass."
"She can, it's totally hot," Puck says, smirking. "It's cool, though, we have a rule. It's not cheating if it's just kissing the same sex."
"Yeah?" Finn asks. "How many dudes have you been kissing?"
"More than you!" Puck says smugly before his face falls, realizing what he said. "Whatever, just text Hummel and let's do this."
"Finn," Blaine says. "You have to realize this is a bad idea."
"He's not even a good kisser," Finn mumbles, crossing his arms over his chest and full out pouting.
"Oh my god," Blaine says. He might have fantasized about a situation like this years ago but now he's with Kurt. Blaine doesn't, to his knowledge, harbor a secret crush on either Puck or Finn, but Kurt is gone and the Xbox is broken and Blaine supposes he can at least humor them. "Okay, you know what? Fine. If I do this will you both shut up?"
"Totally," Puck says, grinning.
Blaine rolls his eyes and takes out his phone, because Kurt is going to say no anyway because Kurt is a reasonable, logical person. Can I kiss Finn and Puck?
...do they know this is going to happen? Kurt texts back almost immediately.
Of course they do, Blaine texts back, frowning. What kind of a question is that?
Sure thing, honey, you go right ahead and kiss Finn and Puck. I'll be home in an hour with a new wardrobe's worth of rompers and pantsuits, since today is apparently Bizarro Day!
Fine, I will then. Blaine texts back, turning his phone off in a fit of pique and shoving it back into his pocket. Like Finn and Puck couldn't possibly want to make out with him. They obviously do, since they're both looking at him curiously.
"Well?" Puck asks.
"Let's do this," Blaine says. "Who's first?"
"Puck," Finn says, at the same time that Puck says, "Me."
"Right," Blaine mumbles, taking a deep breath. He briefly considers backing out instead of proving some point to Kurt but then Puck is grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him in. Blaine was expecting aggressive from Puck, quite frankly, but he still isn't prepared for Puck kissing him open-mouthed and dirty without any lead up, his lips rough - much rougher than Kurt's - over Blaine's. "Um," Blaine tries to say against Puck's mouth, but Puck just uses the opportunity to slide his tongue inside of Blaine's mouth, and it's disturbingly like getting attacked by some kind of sexy snake, where the more Blaine tries to slow things down, the dirtier Puck gets.
Possibly Blaine's just a little dizzy already from the oxygen loss.
"Whoa," Finn says softly as Blaine leans back, bumping into Finn's chest when Puck kisses him harder. Finn brings a hand up to rest on Blaine's hip tentatively and Blaine ignores it in favor of trying to keep up with Puck's kisses, the way he's not careful about his teeth catching at Blaine's lip or apparently not worried about the way Blaine is having trouble catching his breath. Blaine can feel his stomach twist up when Puck kisses deeper and he makes a strangled noise against Puck's mouth when Puck reaches around him to grab at Blaine's ass. Apparently Puck has a very broad definition of kissing.
"Okay, that's, uh--" Finn says, pushing hard at Puck's shoulder until Puck finally moves back, and Blaine leans back heavily into Finn's lap, panting. His lips are still tingling in a way that's not entirely unpleasant, but still isn't anything like when Blaine's been kissing Kurt for half an hour.
"Thanks," Blaine says hoarsely to Finn, licking his lips, and Puck just smirks down at him.
"Tell him how I rocked your world, Anderson. Go on."
"You certainly tried," Blaine says, rolling his eyes and sitting back up. To be honest, Puck did, but just a little. Blaine can't help it. He's a teenage boy who happens to be hot for other teenage boys - even the occasionally douchey ones - and his dick is going to take interest when a hot guy pins him to the bed and kisses him like that. Blaine's sure Kurt would understand.
"Yeah, maybe we could try this with, like. Less world-rocking and more proving a point? Because that was a pretty gay kiss, Puck," Finn says pointedly.
Blaine groans and turns to Finn before Puck can open his mouth to defend himself. "Okay, you should shut up and kiss me now."
Blaine leans in some and closes his eyes, waiting patiently for Finn to lean forward and kiss him, but the kiss doesn't come. Blaine squints at Finn out of one eye. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm just-- let me figure this out, okay?" Finn says grumpily, and Blaine starts to smile when Finn cups the back of his head and leans in to press his lips to Blaine's. It's nowhere near as rough as Puck kissing him, which is a nice change, but Finn feels a little too hesitant, so Blaine makes a soft noise and tilts his head to the side, opening his mouth to move slowly with Finn's. That seems to do it, because then Finn's actually kissing him, deep but still sweet, and Blaine feels his chest flutter in a completely objective way.
The moment is ruined, however, when Puck snorts, kicking a little at Blaine's ankle where Blaine's kneeling in front of Finn. "You gonna take him out for a malt after this, Romeo? Maybe give him your letterman's jacket?"
"Dude, shut up, you can kiss someone without sticking your tongue down their throat," Finn says, pulling away. His voice is rougher and Blaine smiles to himself, secretly a little pleased. Blaine's only experience is Rachel and Kurt, but he's been informed he's an excellent kisser by both of them. Finn never stood a chance, really.
"I'm pretty sure I've seen people kiss their moms with more passion than that--"
"Screw you!" Finn says, reaching out to shove at Puck over Blaine's head. "What do you know about passion, asshole? I bet--"
"Okay, can we not?" Blaine says loudly, ducking when Puck tries to throw a punch. "Straight boys are so violent."
"Funny you should say that, since I'm the one doing the punching and Hudson is the one planning your future wedding in his mind," Puck grumbles.
"Could you maybe not be a homophobic asshole considering we both just kissed Blaine?" Finn snaps, and Blaine's so proud of him that he wishes Kurt were here to pat Finn on the back.
"Yeah, speaking of, Warbler, who wins?" Puck asks, staring at him in a creepily intense way. "And no saying Finn just to make him feel better about being such a pansy."
"Okay, I have really got to talk to Kurt about having some kind of weekly class or something," Blaine mumbles, mostly to himself. "How Not To Be An Asshole 101."
"I'm sorry, Finn, you're not a pansy," Puck says, rolling his eyes. "You're just a great big girl."
"Dude, you like, openly wept last week when we watched Rent in glee," Finn says. "I'm pretty sure you don't get to call me a girl."
"Look, it was sad, okay? They never got to go to Santa Fe before that chick-dude died, and then everything went to shit," Puck mumbles.
"Maybe that class should meet twice a week," Blaine sighs to himself.
"What class?" Puck asks, turning his attention back to Blaine. "You know what, no, I don't care. Just go ahead and say that I won so Finn can go sob in the shower."
"Actually, I'm going to have to call it a tie," Blaine says, shrugging. "You both kiss well in different ways. Not as good as Kurt, obviously," Blaine says quickly, just in case Kurt has planted a hidden microphone in Blaine's jean cuffs or something and this has all been an elaborate test. Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to be safe.
"What the hell, dude?" Finn hisses, touching Blaine's arm. "I thought it was, you know--"
"I fucking rocked your world and you know it!" Puck yells, leaning in so close that Blaine's afraid Puck's going to headbutt him until he realizes Puck's trying to kiss him again. "Come on, I'll show you."
"Oh my god, stop," Blaine gasps out, pushing at Puck's shoulder. "You started groping me before, Puck. It was a good kiss but frankly it was a little too much. Sometimes less is better."
"See? I totally win," Finn says smugly, and Blaine groans.
"And you are very sweet but kind of a clumsy kisser. You should let Rachel take charge more often and try to learn from her." Blaine stops for a second, glancing at the clock and realizing Kurt should be getting home soon. "I cannot believe I spent the afternoon kissing two straight guys," Blaine says faintly to himself, but he snaps out of it when he has to duck again to avoid getting smacked by Puck.
"This is all your fault, Hudson," Puck says, thankfully crawling around Blaine on the bed to grab at Finn's shoulders, and Blaine stands up and looks back just in time to see Finn rolling over and pinning Puck to his bed as Puck bucks up underneath him.
"And that's my cue to leave," Blaine mumbles as Puck pushes Finn's shirt up and starts to tickle him, locking his legs around Finn's hips when Finn tries to squirm away. He didn't exactly mind kissing either of them, to be honest, but he'd rather not stick around for when they inevitably accidentally have gay sex.
"That was the best thing that's ever happened to me," Kurt says as soon as he's in the door, dropping his bags to the floor and bounding over to the couch, collapsing over Blaine's lap. "There were racks and racks of discounted suits and I found an Armani scarf at the bottom of a bin of coat hangers, can you believe that?"
"Why were you looking through a bin of coat hangers?" Blaine asks.
"In case there was an Armani scarf hiding at the bottom," Kurt says with a smile, wiggling his feet in Blaine's lap. "My feet are killing me. The heels of these boots may look conservative, but it felt like I was wearing stilettos all day." Kurt wiggles his feet again, more pointedly this time, and Blaine takes the hint and unzips Kurt's boots, easing them off along with his socks and then rubbing slowly at Kurt's feet. Kurt groans happily, throwing his head back onto the sofa arm, and Blaine swallows heavily as he works his thumb at the arch of Kurt's foot. Kurt moans a little and grins when Blaine squeezes around his foot at the sound, and Blaine's about to call him out on it when there's a loud thump and a muffled "Fuck you!" from upstairs.
"Are they fighting again?" Kurt asks, rolling his eyes at the ceiling. "Is that why you were hanging out by yourself in the living room?"
"It wasn't so much the fighting as the very real fear that I'd end up in the middle of a confusing and somewhat violent threesome," Blaine says truthfully.
"Yeah," Kurt says, laughing and poking at Blaine's thigh with his toes. "I certainly can't judge you for that fantasy, because we've all been there, but maybe don't share that with me since Finn's my brother now."
"No, I mean it," Blaine says, because apparently Kurt still doesn't believe him. Blaine kind of wishes Kurt did have surveillance set up now, because at least then he'd have proof. "I kissed both of them and then Puck insisted we should kiss again so he could win and when I said no they started groping each other and rolling around and there was tickling involved and it was uncomfortably like the setup to several porn movies I've watched."
"Wait," Kurt says, sitting up so quickly that it's unnerving and glaring at Blaine. "You were serious about that? You kissed them?"
"You said it was fine," Blaine reminds him, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I didn't think you were serious," Kurt hisses. "How did that even--- wait, does that mean Finn won?" Kurt asks, tilting his head curiously. "I would not have guessed that."
"They tied," Blaine says.
"That doesn't seem right," Kurt says, making a humming noise to himself. "Maybe you should do it again, you know, to make sure you got an accurate result." As soon as the words are out of his mouth there's a loud bang from upstairs and then Puck yells, "Fuck, Hudson, watch your teeth!"
"I'm not going back up there," Blaine says, grabbing for Kurt's feet and pulling them back into his lap. "And neither are you. Finn's your brother now, remember?"
"I wasn't going to," Kurt says, huffing out an annoyed breath that means he was at least thinking about it and is mad that Blaine caught him.
"Good," Blaine says, squeezing at his thigh. "I can't actually complain about the kissing, but I really wouldn't recommend getting in the middle of their weird, possibly-sexual-but-definitely-angry tension."
"The middle, huh?" Kurt asks, his toes sliding over Blaine's thigh and his eyes a little far away. "You were in the middle?"
"I think I liked it better when you were mad at me for the kissing," Blaine says. "I don't trust that look on your face."
"Shh," Kurt says, scooting closer and linking his arms around Blaine's neck before kissing him, slow and deep. "All is forgiven," Kurt says against his mouth. "Just as long as you tell me all about it. And use details."
"You motherfucker!" Finn yells from above them.
"Yeah, I am!" Puck says back, just as loudly. "Why, does your mom need her pool cleaned?"
"Maybe we should go check on them after all," Kurt says, looking up at the ceiling curiously. "They're either going to kill each other or have sex, and I want to be there for either one of those disasters." Kurt lets go of Blaine's neck and starts to get up but Blaine grabs at his feet, laughing and pulling him back onto the sofa.
"Kurt, trust me," Blaine says, rubbing at the arch of Kurt's foot again. "Whatever is happening up there, you don't want to see."
"Oh please," Kurt says, rolling his eyes. "Five minutes ago you were talking about it being like porn. You're just a big spoilsport."
"I said it started out like porn," Blaine clarifies. "It rapidly turned into one of those shows on Animal Planet about the predators of the savanna."
"Aww," Kurt says, poking Blaine in the stomach with his toes. "Did Puck take you down like a lion after a pygmy gazelle?"
"Low blow," Blaine says, glaring at him. It's bad enough to have Finn patting Blaine on the head all the time at Kurt's house just because he can.
"I'm sorry," Kurt says, sitting up and leaning in so he can kiss at Blaine's jaw. "If you were a gazelle you would be graceful, majestic, and of average gazelle height, I promise."
"That's what I thought," Blaine says, grinning at him. "Now can we please stop talking about gazelles and start making out?"
"I don't know," Kurt says. "What if I don't measure up to Puck and Finn?"
"You really don't have to worry about that," Blaine groans, because Kurt's mouth is so, so close to his but Kurt pulls back every time Blaine tries to lean in closer. "Puck didn't so much kiss me as maul me, and Finn was very sweet but it was kind of like--"
"Kissing my brother?" Kurt interrupts, raising an eyebrow.
"Your tall, tall brother," Blaine says, because Kurt's having way too much fun teasing him about this.
"Oh, I see," Kurt says, leaning in closer and closer. "Do you want me to put those boots back on? I could stand on a table if it would help you pretend, but I refuse to wear a polo shirt and a puffy vest." Blaine laughs, sliding a hand up Kurt's leg to settle on his thigh as he moves in, and Kurt doesn't pull away this time, just smirks at him and leans in closer. Their lips have just pressed together when a loud thump sounds from upstairs and Finn lets out a strangled animal noise that could either be good or bad, but is extremely unsettling either way.
"Maybe we should go make out in the backseat of my car," Kurt says, looking up at the ceiling warily. "I can't stop using the animal metaphor in my head now and it's a little disturbing." There's another loud noise from upstairs as Puck shouts something about victory and whoops out a noise that sounds like something from that special about howler monkeys that Blaine watched last week.
"A lot," Blaine, pushing Kurt's legs off of his lap so he can stand up and reach out to pull Kurt up off the couch. "It's a lot disturbing."