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your heart was set like a mousetrap

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Neil (1:00 PM): hey

Neil (1:00 PM): i think i’m at your complex?

Neil (1:01 PM): every building in this city looks the same

Matt (1:02 PM): !!!!!

Matt (1:02 PM): On the elevator down now

Matt (1:03 PM): Is the taxi at the curb with your stuff? Police get pissed when people idle there too long

Neil (1:05 PM): no i have everything on me

Matt (1:05 PM): Neil

Matt (1:06 PM): Did you move halfway across the country with just your duffle bag

Neil (1:06 PM): matt

Neil (1:07 PM): yes



Matt (6:30 PM): [neil_eating_REAL_chinese_food.jpg]

Matt (6:30 PM): NEIL: ACQUIRED

Dan (6:57 PM): Omg

Dan (6:57 PM): How’d everything go?

Matt (7:00 PM): Good! His flight was fine.

Matt (7:00 PM): I’m glad Mom and I went to IKEA for shit last week

Matt (7:01 PM): He brought one bag. One single bag, babe

Matt (7:02 PM): But the spare bedroom is fully furnished for him at least!

Dan (7:04 PM): Awww, good

Dan (7:04 PM): I can’t wait to visit



Neil (9:14 PM): i am “officially” moved into matt’s apartment

Andrew (9:16 PM): when does your first practice start

Neil (9:32 PM): no pondering about how it went? no inquiries regarding my new bedroom? not even a single probe into the suspicious quotation marks?

Andrew (9:33 PM): how long did that even take you to type out? i know you still use your pointer finger

Neil (9:36 PM): anyway practice starts at 7 am tomorrow



Matt Boyd @matthewboyd 10m

So excited to have @neiljosten on my team again! Welcome to the New York Mavericks, buddy!

350 replies 3.2k retweets 5k likes 


Neil Josten @neiljosten 4m

How does twitter work

90 replies 7k retweets 10k likes 

Neil Josten @neiljosten 1m

thanks matt

21 replies 1.8k retweets 6k likes 



Neil (10:48 AM): this sucks

Andrew (10:59 AM): ?

Neil (11:10 AM): nothing

Andrew (11:11 AM): oh of course

Andrew (11:11 AM): can’t stand it when nothing sucks

Neil (11:13 AM): fuck off

Neil (11:20 AM): matt’s goalie isn’t as good as you

Andrew (11:22 AM): she’s your goalie too, junkie

Andrew (11:23 AM): since you’re on the same team now, and all

Neil (11:30 AM): yeah

Neil: [Draft] i just wish



Houston Tigers @HoustonTigers 30m

The Tigers are practicing hard for this week’s game against @NYMavericks! 

#exy #proleague #houstontigers #NYmavericks 


4 replies 205 retweets 653 likes 

Neil Josten @neiljosten 5m

@houstontigers lol good luck. you’ll need it, especially with your terrible strikers

220 replies 9k retweets 12.8k likes 

Matt Boyd @matthewboyd 1m

@neiljosten @houstontigers Our PR department is about to have a heart attack but like… he’s not wrong

90 replies 2.5k retweets 7k likes 



Andrew (11:00 PM): good game

Andrew (11:00 PM): kevin will not shut up about you

Neil (11:02 PM): great things, i assume

Andrew (11:03 PM): the usual. “neil should have taken advantage of his mark favoring his left side”

Andrew (11:04 PM): “he missed a shot that i know he’s hit before, he’s not practicing enough”

Andrew (11:04 PM): “when will josten and i legally be able to marry exy”

Neil (11:05 PM): every professional game we play is one step closer to changing the laws… sports marriage, we’re coming for you



Matt (8:19 AM): Shit Neil, Coach Snelling is about to like. Create a shrine for you

Neil (8:21 AM): why would she do that

Matt (8:21 AM): Ummm because you kicked ass against the Tigers?

Matt (8:22 AM): Wait did you not read the email

Neil (8:25 AM): we have emails?

Matt (8:27 AM): I’m coming home right now to show you the poetic glory of Snelling typing, “Josten’s addition to our roster spells disaster for all teams set to play against us this season”

Neil (8:28 AM): what does that even MEAN

Matt (8:29 AM): And yes wtf of course we have emails. Is that why you’ve become an absolute renegade on Twitter? You don’t get the warning emails about PR from Marina?



[1 missed call from ‘Andrew’]


Andrew (7:16 PM): i’m fine

Andrew (7:16 PM): i have already been cleared by our doctor

Andrew (7:17 PM): not even a concussion. there’s just bruising

Andrew (7:17 PM): don’t panic when you see the replays, moron

Neil (10:31 PM): fuck i was at late practice

Neil (10:31 PM): andrew

Neil: (10:33 PM) there’s a flight leaving in an hour and a half

Neil (10:33 PM): do you need someone to take care of you

Neil (10:33 PM): or even just be there

Andrew (10:34 PM): no

Andrew (10:34 PM): i already said it’s fine

Neil (10:34 PM): are you sure?

Neil (10:34 PM): sorry

Neil (10:35 PM): i know you wouldn’t lie to me

Andrew (10:35 PM): idiot. yes



Matt (3:15 PM): You’ve been in your room for like 9 hours

Matt (3:15 PM): I was gonna knock but thought maybe this would be easier?

Matt (3:16 PM): Are you okay? I know Andrew’s game looked rough

Neil (3:19 pm): i’m fine

Matt (3:20 PM): :(

Matt (3:20 PM): I texted Nicky and he said Andrew really is alright

Matt (3:21 PM): Ricochet injuries can look really bad but it wasn’t that damaging

Neil (3:23 PM): i know

Matt (3:24 PM): Do you need anything?

Neil (3:24 PM): matt 

Matt (3:25 PM): Okay. Let me know



Neil (4:07 AM): don’t respond to this

Neil (4:07 AM): but i can’t stop seeing andrew take that hit when i close my eyes

Neil (4:08 AM): and it’s been a year since he graduated and we’ve lived together

Neil (4:08 AM): and i know he’s okay but what if he WASN’T

Neil (4:08 AM): and i’m on a fucking leash in new york while he’s across the country

Neil (4:09 AM):  stuck here when something could happen

Neil (4:09 AM): it sucks. everything sucks

Neil (4:09 AM): i feel like i’m on the run again, matt



Andrew: [Draft] you can’t risk taking time off when you’ve only just signed with a new team



Neil (5:42 AM): tell coach i’m gonna be a few min late

Neil (5:43 AM): ah sorry that was for matt

Neil: [Draft] had your conversation open on accident 

Andrew (5:45 AM): why?

Neil (5:46 AM): oh

Neil (5:46 AM): it’s nothing

Andrew (5:46 AM): why are you missing practice, neil

Neil (5:46 AM): i’m not

Neil (5:47 AM): i didn’t

Andrew (5:47 AM): and yet

Neil (5:50 AM): look i can’t do this right now

Neil (5:50 AM): why are you even awake 

Neil (5:50 AM): it’s like 3 am for you

Andrew (5:51 AM): “look i can’t do this right now”

Neil (5:51 AM): andrew

Neil (5:51 AM): really?



Neil (5:53 AM): tell coach i’m gonna be a few min late

Matt (6:01 AM): You good?

Neil (6:02 AM): m business, stopped me while on my run

Matt (6:02 AM): Ah.

Matt (6:02 AM): Stay safe.

Neil (6:55 AM): they just wanted some info about jean, it’s fine



Matt (9:15 AM): Hey, I hope you’re doing alright

Matt (9:16 AM): I was wondering if you knew whether Neil ever ended up talking to Betsy when we were in school? Or like, after we graduated?

Renee (1:09 PM): Hello, Matt! 

Renee (1:09 PM): I don’t think so. He never seemed to trust her.

Renee (1:09 PM): Has something happened?

Matt (1:15 PM): Hmm. 

Matt (1:16 PM): Nothing big. I think he could benefit from finally talking about everything, and was hoping that’d be a good place to start

Renee (1:25 PM): As much as we both believe a therapist would be beneficial, I’m not sure he’s ready for that. 

Renee (1:26 PM): Does he talk to you? Or Andrew?

Matt (1:30 PM) Sometimes… 

Renee (1:31 PM): Then maybe that’s the place to start. Opening up to friends isn’t the equivalent of a professional, but he trusts you much more than he would a stranger.

Matt (1:35 PM): You’re right.

Matt (1:35 PM): Thanks Renee. I just want him to be okay, but things have been hard lately.

Matt (1:36 PM): Oh also what’s Andrew’s number?



Neil (7:04 PM): sorry

Andrew (7:15 PM): it’s fine

Neil (7:15 PM): are you being fucking condescending

Andrew (7:16 PM): no

Andrew (7:16) PM: it really is

Andrew (7:16 PM): i don’t care

Andrew (7:17 PM): you don’t have to tell me every part of your life

Neil (7:17 PM): it’s not that i don’t want to

Neil (7:17 PM): this morning was just a lot

Neil (7:18 PM): i don’t know why anyone thinks i’m an expert on jean

Neil (7:18 PM): or his fucking whereabouts. it’s not my job to track him, it’s theirs

Andrew (7:19 PM): oh

Andrew (7:19 PM): hm

Neil (7:19 PM): ?

Andrew (7:20 PM): just contemplating murder

Neil (7:20 PM): so an average tuesday, then

Andrew (7:21 PM): did they want anything else

Neil (7:21 PM): aw, i can feel you radiating hatred from across the country

Andrew (7:21 PM): hatred for you

Neil (7:22 PM): :(

Andrew (7:22 PM): who taught you that shit

Neil (7:22 PM): matt

Andrew (7:23 PM): cute

Neil (7:23 PM): :)

Andrew (7:24 PM): nevermind



Neil (2:17 PM): how are things

Andrew (2:17 PM): the same as always

Neil (2:18 PM): oh. cool

Andrew (2:18 PM): i guess. how’s new york?

Neil (2:18 PM): small talk? who are you and what have you done with andrew minyard

Andrew (2:18 PM): he has died a sad and pathetic death in this perpetually rainy state



Andrew: [Draft] things are marginally less bad when you’re visiting



Neil (6:23 PM): what do you want for dinner? [why_is_the_fridge_empty.jpg]

Matt (6:30 PM): !!!

Matt (6:30 PM): Pizza

Neil (6:32 PM): i can get us pizza

Matt (6:33 PM): Pizza date! ♥

Matt (6:33 PM): Please do not get any pineapple on the pizza

Neil (6:37 PM): whoops



Neil (9:04 PM): rolled my ankle at practice. stupid

Andrew (9:10 PM): ice it

Neil (9:11 PM): thank you dr minyard for the excellent advice i was already following

Andrew (9:11 PM): ew

Andrew (9:12 PM): never group me in the same category as aaron again

Neil (9:13 PM): you drive a hard bargain but deal

Neil (9:16 PM): what do you have going on



Neil: [Draft] i miss you



Matt (12:29 PM): [burrito_blanket_bros.jpg]

Matt (12:29 PM): This may come as a huge surprise, so brace yourself

Matt (12:29 PM): But I think Neil’s a little touch-starved

Dan (12:45 PM): Oh

Dan (12:45 PM): My

Dan (12:45 PM): God

Dan (12:46 PM): I’m sending this to Allison

Dan (12:46 PM): Also is everything okay? That is an extraordinarily cuddly Neil

Matt (12:46 PM): Working on it

Matt (12:47 PM): He’s having some issues with Andrew

Matt (12:47 PM): I think the distance is really hard for them both

Dan (12:47 PM): Yeah. :/

Dan (12:47 PM): I don’t think it’s easy for anyone

Dan (12:48 PM): But I can imagine why it would be so difficult for them

Dan (12:48 PM):: Neil’s lucky to have you, baby. 

Matt (12:49 PM): More like, I’m lucky to have him CUDDLING ME INSIDE THIS BURRITO BLANKET

Dan (12:49 PM): God I wish that were me



andrew @aminyard 40m

who created oregon. i just want to talk

128 replies 1.1k retweets 2k likes 


Neil Josten @neiljosten 37m

oh sorry that was me

21 replies 1.7k retweets 3.4k likes 

andrew @aminyard 2m

my account was suspended for making threats at the stupidest striker on the ny mavericks. this is the worst timeline

290 replies 5.4k retweets 6k likes 



Andrew: [Draft] you should post more pictures on your dumb account



Matt (11:01 AM): Hey Andrew

Matt (11:01 AM): I got your number from Renee

Matt (11:01 AM): This is Matt, btw

Andrew (12:13 PM): what could you possibly want

Matt (12:14 PM): It’s about Neil

Andrew (12:15 PM): go on

Matt (12:16 PM): When was the last time you talked? Like, really talked?

Matt (12:16 PM): Things aren’t great here

Andrew (12:25 PM): that has nothing to do with you

Matt (12:27 PM): Jesus. I’m trying to help

Matt (12:28 PM): I think Neil needs you but he sure as shit isn’t going to tell you that

Andrew (12:30 PM): do you think i haven’t tried?

Matt (12:30 PM): No, I think you have

Matt (12:30 PM): But I also don’t think that’s enough

Matt (12:31 PM): Oh god hahaha I’m so glad there are like 3000 miles between us or I would never say this

Matt (12:40 PM): Look, Neil’s having a hard time. I don’t know if you’ve both decided to do this suffering in private thing or what, but it’s clearly not working out. I’ve done long-distance for years with Dan, and communication is really important.

Andrew (12:41 PM): ok



Neil: [Draft] are we okay? everything feels wrong



Matt (1:00 PM): This is worse than I thought

Dan (1:03 PM): What can I do?

Matt (1:04 PM): I don’t know. Andrew was like talking to a brick wall

Matt (1:06 PM): Neil looks like he’s always about to cry but also has no idea even how to. Has he been like this since we left school?

Dan (1:28 PM): I talked to Robin. Seems like he hasn’t been doing well for awhile

Dan (1:29 PM): We should have noticed

Dan (1:31 PM): You should both come visit. I’m sure seeing Wymack and the Foxes would help. Neil loves Palmetto 

Matt (1:34 PM): You’re a genius. I could kiss you

Dan (1:34 PM): You’ll be able to soon ;)



Andrew (2:15 PM): hey

Neil (9:58 PM): hey



The Exy Report @exyreport 15m

Ouch! With a close 31-30 game, the @OregonOtters have lost their semifinals game to the @ClevelandBears. Better luck next season! #exy #exyupdates #exysemifinals



Neil (5:00 PM): we’re going back to palmetto to see dan and everyone this weekend

Andrew (5:05 PM): tell robin i said hi

Neil (5:05 PM): oh

Andrew (5:05 PM): ?

Neil (5:15 PM): idk

Neil (5:15 PM): i was thinking maybe you could come too

Neil (5:15 PM): since your team didn’t qualify for championships

Neil (5:15 PM): crazy of me right haha

Neil (5:16 PM): clearly you’ll still be busy doing whatever the hell you’re doing

Neil (5:16 PM): even though we haven’t seen each other since summer

Neil (5:16 PM): and i miss you

Neil (5:17 PM): i hate this

Neil (5:17 PM): i hate this fucking phone 

Neil (5:17 PM): and i hate these stupid inane conversations about nothing

Neil (5:17 PM): and that i don’t get to see you or touch you

Neil (5:18 PM): and that you’re across the country in fucking oregon and every time i’m anywhere near california i want to puke

Neil (5:19 PM): so i don’t like to visit

Neil (5:19 PM): but it’s the only time i’ll get to actually see you

Neil (5:19 PM): and it’s the only time i don’t feel miserable since we were both at palmetto

Neil (5:20 PM): and even living with matt doesn’t feel like home because you’re not here

Neil (8:11 PM): andrew?

Neil (8:59 PM): fuck



Andrew (11:07 PM): abram

Andrew (11:17 PM): hey



Andrew (3:48 AM): what time does your flight get into palmetto

Matt (8:15 AM): It’s a redeye tonight, we should arrive around 3 in the morning

Andrew (8:15 AM): where are you staying

Matt (8:16 AM): Abby’s.

Matt (8:16 AM): You’re welcome

Andrew (8:17 AM): i will not thank you



Neil (11:00 PM): andrew

Andrew (4:12 AM): are you still awake

Neil (4:12 AM): yeah. why are you?

Andrew (4:13 AM): come outside



Matt (7:05 AM): I saw you and Andrew talking

Matt (7:05 AM): I felt extremely creepy because you definitely didn’t notice me

Matt (7:06 AM): And I MAY have eavesdropped on accident and heard you finally talking about how hard it’s been since Andrew left

Matt (7:06 AM): But I wanted you to know that I love you and am proud of you

Matt: (7:07 AM): And I’m really glad you’ve worked things out

Matt (7:07 AM): I know it can be hard to talk about things, especially with everything that’s happened to you both

Matt (7:07 AM): But I know you make each other happy and you both deserve that

Matt (7:08 AM): ...And also this is adorable and I’ve already sent it to Nicky, so expect like 15 calls as soon as he wakes up

Matt (7:08 AM): [andrew_cuPPED_NEILS_FACE_WITH_HIS_HANDS.jpg]



Neil (4:17 PM): hey

Andrew (4:18 PM): hey

Neil (4:18 PM): i know i said it a lot but thank you

Neil (4:18 PM): i really needed this weekend

Neil (4:19 PM): it seems like everyone knew something was wrong but me

Neil (4:19 PM): well

Neil (4:19 PM): i mean i knew something was wrong

Neil (4:20 PM): but matt has informed me that letting wounds fester can be deadly

Neil (4:20 PM): as if i haven’t had significantly more serious injuries than he has in the past

Neil (4:20 PM): and don’t possess basic first aid knowledge

Neil (4:21 PM): and ok, maybe i did have a blood infection that one time

Neil (4:21 PM): but

Andrew (4:21 PM): neil

Andrew (4:21 PM): i need you to shut up

Andrew (4:21 PM): i’m going to say this once and only once

Andrew (4:27 PM): you said i was your home

Andrew (4:29 PM): and that’s not something that has ever meant anything to me

Andrew (4:30 PM): but

Andrew (4:31 PM): i want you to be close to me

Andrew (4:33 PM): both of our contracts are only for the next year

Andrew (4:33 PM): and

Andrew (4:33 PM): i think

Andrew (4:34 PM): it’s something we should talk about. eventually

Andrew (4:36 PM): to start building a home together

Neil (4:59 PM): yeah

Neil (4:59 PM): yeah. yeah okay that’s good

Andrew (4:59 PM): shut up



andrew @aminyard 2m


15 replies 720 retweets 3k likes 

Neil Josten @neiljosten 1m

@aminyard yeah


41 replies 1k retweets 4k likes 



Neil (10:02 AM): which is a worse fate: being killed by you-know-who for getting kicked off the team

Neil (10:02 AM): or

Neil (10:02 AM): actually getting arrested for murder

Andrew (10:15 AM): ‘actually,’ he says

Andrew (10:15 AM): why are you being stupid enough to get caught

Andrew (10:15 AM): jail’s fine. just boring

Neil (10:29 AM): well it was in a public place

Neil (10:29 AM): and people had like. their phones out

Neil (10:30 AM): escaping after committing a murder crime in public seemed improbable

Andrew (10:31 AM): oh is this not a hypothetical

Andrew (10:31 AM): has neil ‘what is a brain-to-mouth filter’ josten gotten himself into trouble

Andrew (10:31 AM): for the millionth time

Neil (10:32 AM): i have never before this day encountered someone so unwilling to take a hint

Neil (10:32 AM): i spent ten minutes telling this guy i was not interested in him

Neil (10:33 AM): or his apparent prowess in the bedroom

Neil (10:33 AM): TEN MINUTES

Neil (10:33 AM): how can someone possibly be so oblivious

Andrew (10:34 AM): you’re one to talk

Neil (10:34 AM): what

Andrew (10:35 AM): i had to literally spell out that i wanted your dick in my mouth

Neil (10:35 AM): oh that’s different

Andrew (10:36 AM): is it? is it really?

Neil (10:36 AM): well no but ironically i had to tell him how little i wanted his dick anywhere near me to get him to go away

Andrew (10:38 AM): did this get posted anywhere?

Neil (10:38 AM): oh it’s all over twitter

Neil (10:38 AM): hence my question

Neil (10:39 AM): what are you, dense?



Andrew (11:00 PM): so

Neil (11:02 PM): so?

Neil (11:06 PM): what’s up

Andrew (11:06 PM): this is your fault

Neil (11:07 PM): ??? what is

Andrew (11:08 PM): [hellspawn.jpg]

Andrew (11:08 PM): this

Neil (11:08 PM): did you get a cat???

Andrew (11:09 PM): my entire life

Andrew (11:09 PM): i have slept fine alone

Andrew (11:10 PM): preferred it even

Andrew (11:10 PM): and you just had to go and ruin that

Andrew (11:10 PM): so now there is. a cat

Neil (11:11 PM): oh my god



Matt (9:40 AM): Hey Andrew!

Andrew (9:45 AM): we are not friends. do not text me

Matt (9:51 AM): Aw come on

Matt (9:51 AM): I’ll make it worth your while

Matt (9:57 AM): Oh god

Matt (9:57 AM): I’m not hitting on you I promise

Matt (9:58 AM): I MEANT

Matt (9:58 AM): Check this out

Matt (9:58 AM): When else are you going to get quality content like THIS

Matt (9:59 AM): [neilio_heavily_contemplating_the_wall_while_eating_cereal.jpg]

Matt (11:23 AM): Please respond

Matt (11:31 AM): Please do not have your phone off because you’re currently on your way to come kill me

Matt (11:32 AM): Please get distracted from your quest to murder me by Neil when you get here

Matt (2:15 PM): … Andrew?

Andrew (3:36 PM): i will allow this. for now

Andrew (3:36 PM): if you send more pictures



Neil (7:00 PM): are you and matt like

Neil (7:00 PM): actually talking

Andrew (7:01 PM): how dare you

Neil (7:02 PM): matt just confirmed “andrew and i are talking”

Andrew (7:02 PM): how dare both of you

Neil (7:03 PM): now he keeps trying to take weird pictures of me

Andrew (7:03 PM): how are they weird

Neil (7:04 PM): well there’s a camera

Neil (7:04 PM): and it’s pointed at me

Neil (7:04 PM): and

Neil (7:05 PM): that’s about it

Andrew (7:05 PM): i swear to god, josten



Matt (7:06 PM): [LOOK_at_that_distressed_eyebrow_furrow_omg.jpg]

Andrew (7:06 PM): acceptable



Neil Josten @neiljosten 14m

every former fox is dead to me

6 replies 23 retweets 96 likes 


Kevin Day @therealkevinday 10m

@neiljosten Even me?

15 replies 60 retweets 159 likes 


Neil Josten @neiljosten 8m

@therealkevinday especially you

35 replies 308 retweets 1k likes 


andrew @aminyard 2m

@neiljosten thank god

54 replies 829 retweets 1.7k likes 


Neil Josten @neiljosten 30s

@aminyard ESPECIALLY you

106 replies 1.3k retweets 4.2k likes 



Neil (8:24 PM): what is happening

Matt (8:25 PM): Andrew and I have reached a mutual understanding

Neil (8:25 PM): what an extremely concerning sentence

Matt (8:26 PM): An arrangement, if you will

Neil (8:26 PM): do i even want to know?

Neil (8:28 PM): matt

Matt (8:29 PM): Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, buddy

Matt (8:31 PM): Things seem a lot better between you two

Matt (8:31 PM): You guys good?

Neil (8:32 PM): yeah

Neil (8:32 PM): we are

Neil (8:32 PM): thanks

Neil (8:33 PM): :)