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No one really Knows me

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Chapter 1: Where it all Started
“I sit here and I wonder, how did I get here? I’m sixty years old. How did I even live that long? I should have been dead years ago but yet here I am. I honestly don’t know if I deserve to be here. I’ve done some horrible things but I wasn’t always bad. I wasn’t.”
“I know you weren’t. You aren’t a bad person.”
“Bet you didn’t know I had a brother and a sister.”
“I didn’t. I’ve known you for a very long time and you never talk about your past. Tell me about it. Please.”
“You sure you want to know the story of one Alex Krycek?”
“As I just said, please tell me. Nothing you tell me is going to change how I feel about you. I love you no matter what. Now, please tell me.”
“Get comfy. It’s going to be a long tough ride.”

My parents were Cold War Immigrants. They were born and raised in Russia. They loved it there. They married in St. Petersburg. They weren’t rich but weren’t poor either. My mother got pregnant with my bother shortly after they married. Seeing how things were, they decided to leave Russia and move to the United States. My brother Mikhail was born not long after they arrived here.
When he was three, my mother got pregnant with my sister. When Natalia was born, my parents were thrilled. They had one of each. I know it’s weird that I know this but I’ve heard enough stories to know it’s true. They lived in a two bedroom apartment in New York. Things seemed good for them. Father had a good job. It was the sixty’s. Mikhail was seven and Natalia was four when I came into the picture.
I was the baby. I also was an accident. I was told many times by my brother that no one wanted me. One would think that the baby of the family would get loads of attention but that was not the case. Little Alexei was alone. My parents focused on my siblings more then me. No one paid a damn bit of attention to me. I was left to my own devices.
I wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t get into trouble much. When I was six, Mikhail and I were in the backyard and he decided it would be cool to hit his younger brother with a piece of tree from the yard. I had cuts all over me. I got in trouble for bleeding on my mother’s towels. He got off without any punishment. It was always that way.
I was a pretty good student. Mostly B”s graced my report cards. Natalia was a horrible student. She never did homework or studied but she was praised for being the pretty girl, the middle child and the only girl. I studied my ass off to get those grades but no one praised me not even the teachers. It wasn’t right.
Mikhail moved out at seventeen after fighting with my parents about curfew. My father spent more time at work then home. He refused to deal with what happened. My mother shut off from the world. That left my sister in charge but she was too busy having a life. I guess you can say, in a way I understand where Mulder came from. Neither of us had warm cozy parents that loved us. I have my doubts regarding my parents. I do believe my parents knew how to love. They loved each other and my siblings just not me.
Natalia graduated and moved away shortly after with a man she loved. My parents didn’t approve but she was a free spirit and did whatever she wanted. Natalia did what she thought was best for her. I’m like that in a lot of ways. Having no one that cared about you tends to make you act that way. I couldn’t wait to get out on my own.
I started working as a bag boy when I was fourteen. I hated it but it got me out of the house so I didn’t have to deal with what was happening there. My folks weren’t on the best of terms after my sister took off. They fought a lot, mainly because their children left them. They still had me but the golden ones were gone. I worked as much as I could even on holidays which pissed my mother off.
Despite everything, my mother loved the holidays. Christmas was her favorite. We all dressed our best for mass on Christmas Eve. Yes, Alexei went to mass. Christmas morning, we’d all gather at the table and have breakfast before heading to open presents. We didn’t have a ton but we had enough. One year, we all got new bikes. Our stockings always were filled with treats and candy. Dinner was the big deal. The last Christmas we were all together was the best. My mother made a goose with apples, roasted potatoes and carrots. We always had pirogi and kalachi. Dessert was a feast as well. Berries, biscuits, angel wings and we drank kompot. It was the best day. I loved Christmas. I stopped enjoying it years and years ago. I only enjoy it now because of you, Nikolai, Amaliya and Kira. I’ve gotten some of that back.
The next few years went by quickly. I saved all the money I could so I could get out of there. I needed to. I couldn’t handle it anymore. The tension had gotten pretty bad. Without even telling my parents, I started looking for colleges away from New York. Maryland in Virginia were looking good to me. I applied to Virginia State University and Bowie State University in Maryland. I got into both so I had to make a choice. I decided to go to VSU. I liked it better. I only told my parents after I decided to go there. My father didn’t seem to care but my mother cried. Deep down I think my mother did love me more then she showed.
The next thing I needed to do was find a place to live. I figured I’d live in the dorms but then I’d need a place after the school year ended anyway. So, that was that. I needed an apartment and a cheap one. Things were looking up when I found out my grandmother, that passed years before had set up a trust of sorts for when I turned eighteen. That was the money I needed to get on with my life.
I graduated high school in June. By mid-July, I was packing up and moving to Virginia. I found a small, cheap one bedroom apartment not that far from campus. I had my run down piece of shit car but it drove me to work and classes. College was when I decided to go by Alex and not Alexei. It was a fresh start for me.
The first month I was there was crazy. I moved in and got a job. I worked at a little law firm a few blocks from the apartment. I just typed up notes and letters. It sucked worse then bagging groceries but it gave me some pocket money and got me in the door of what I hoped to do one day. I did all the new student crap. It was pretty boring but I had to do it. I had no idea what the hell I wanted to major in or what I wanted to do with my life. I figured basic classes would be a good start.
In my public speaking class, there was this girl. She was this mystery to me. I hadn’t really dated much in high school. No one really showed any interest in me. I had gone out a few times with this one girl but that was it. But, this girl in class was something else. We quickly became friends. I never had many but she didn’t seem to care about my past. A few weeks after classes started, we began dating.
We dated the whole first semester. After the Christmas break, we picked up where we left off. She was my first. I really loved her. That Easter, I brought her home to meet my family. My brother and sister weren’t coming but I was. During my time away, my mother reached out and we began to get close. I really loved my mother.
To my surprise, they liked Sara. My mother pulled out all the stops to impress her. She lined the dinner table with kulich, kulebiaka, horseradish and beets, lamb, potatoes, carrots and eggs. Dessert wasn’t much better. We had pashka and a few other cakes and candies. I only remember it for two reasons; neither of them happy ones. About a month after, my mother called. My father died in an accident at work. I went home for the funeral but was soon back in classes. Sara thought I needed to grieve more but I disagreed. We broke up not long after.
I spent the next year or so focusing on my classes. I found myself interested in of all things law and crime. I wasn’t smart enough for law school but I figured I could do something like transporting criminals or transcribing stuff. I studied like hell. I was damn good at it too.
I was just entering my junior year when I got a call from my sister that I hadn’t heard or seen in years. My mother was sick. She was dying. I took a few days off and drove home. We weren’t really close but she was my mother and I loved her despite it all. Mom passed away that fall. Everything was packed up and stored. I took a few items but that was it. I went right back to classes. I was alone in the world. Yet again. I handled it before and I would do it again.
The end of my junior year was a turning point for me. I was walking the street when I saw a sign for something that was going to change my life. On a billboard, was a recruitment for the FBI. The FBI. Did I really want to try for that? Did I want to apply? Would they even accept me? Why would they? I was nothing special. I was just Alex Krycek.
After some careful thinking and some vodka, I decided to go get an application and apply to Quantico. I wanted to do something with my life. Now, I still had a year left of college but my goal was to get in once I graduated. I had no other plan for my life so if this didn’t work, I was stuck as a glorified secretary. I filled out the application, wrote the entrance letter they make you write. I studied my ass off to get my grades even higher. I needed a future.
My senior year flew by. Exams were a bitch. I hadn’t heard from my siblings since my mother died. I didn’t need them. I didn’t need anyone or so I thought. I told myself I was better off alone but the truth was, I wanted someone to want me. I never had that but I heard enough about it to know it was something I missed out on having my whole life. Maybe it was too late but I had to hope it wasn’t.
A few weeks before graduation, I received a letter from Quantico. They wanted to meet with me and go over my application. Well, they were either going to kick me to the curb or accept me to the academy. Either way, I was scared shitless and that is not something that happens to Alex Krycek. I went out and bought a black suit. I had to look good and if not I had a suit for graduation, not that anyone was going to be there to see me anyway.
The day of my interview, I was shaking. I hardly slept the night before. I was nervous as hell. I was a bit early but ready as I was ever going to be. I sat there and waited. Before long, I was greeted by an administrator and taken into his office.
“Mr. Krycek, I’ll get right to the point. I’ve looked over your application and your transcripts. Those are good.”
“Good, Sir?”
“Yes, they are by far not the greatest but not the worst. I do like that you have taken some Criminology courses and work at the law firm. Those would be helpful if you were accepted.”
“Thank you, Sir. I find it fascinating.”
“Why the FBI? Why not join the police department?”
“I have to be honest, sir. As I said in my letter, I’m first generation here. My parents left Russia for a better life. I don’t want their move to be for nothing. I’m the only one of my siblings to have attended college. I want to make something out of myself. I want to help people. This is my chance to do that. This is hard to admit but the FBI I a family and I want to be a part of that family. I wasn’t close with my family and I don’t have a family. I want to be apart of a family. I want to belong.”
The admissions guy just sat there for a moment before speaking.
“Mr. Krycek, I applaud your honesty. I like honest. From what I see here, I’d like to offer you the chance to show us what you’ve got. It won’t be easy but I think you’ve got what it takes.”
“Thank you, Sir. I really appreciate it. Thank you for this opportunity.”
I graduated college a few weeks later. No one was there. My parents were gone and my siblings didn’t care enough. I was the first Krycek to get a college diploma. I did it and with no one’s help but mine.
I swore that day, if I ever had a family of my own, I would support them in anyway I could. I’d love them and be there for them when they succeeded or failed. I just hope that Nikolai, Amaliya and Kira know that.
“They do. We all know how much you love us.”
Thank you. So after graduation, I packed up my apartment and moved about two hours away to be closer to the academy. I found another place rather quickly which was nice. I enjoyed the summer by preparing for what was to come. I started running at the local park and did a summer program at a gym to build myself up before I started the training program. I knew it would change my life but I had no idea it would turn out like it did.