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Wanna get to the other side of the earth, holding your hand

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Miss you

Saying this makes me miss you even more


     The sound of his alarm forces Yoongi’s eyes open as he searches his nightstand for his phone. Why hadn’t he decided to sleep through today? It’s way too cold to get out of bed. Despite his inner complains though, he still drags himself to the bathroom and splashes water on his face in an attempt to wake up. He had a plan for today, after all.



Miss you

Even though I’m looking at your photo


     Shit. It’s seven and he still hasn’t even eaten breakfast yet. Screw it, he’s going to the bakery anyways. Yoongi hurriedly pulls on his clothes and fumbles around for the keys. Even with all the layers, he’s still reluctant to walk outside because he can see the frost on the windows and knows it’s going to be freezing on the other side of the door. How is it winter already?



Time’s so cruel, I hate us


     “Let’s go” Hoseok drags out the last syllable as he tries to pull Yoongi away from the chair Yoongi’s hanging onto like it’s his lifeline and closer to the front door of their home.

     “No, it’s way too cold” Yoongi whines.

     “If we don’t go now there won’t be anything left at the bakery” Hoseok tries to reason to his boyfriend who he sometimes suspects is actually an eight year-old instead of his hyung.

     “Seokjin will save you food anyways”

Hoseok sighs. There really is no reasoning with this child is there.

     “But then we’ll miss the train and we won’t be able to go to the beach.”

Yoongi pauses.

     “Please?” Hoseok gives his most pitiful puppy eyes.

     “Ugh, fine”

It always works.



It’s all winter here, even in August


     Yoongi opens his door and steps outside to find the world covered in white. It seems like it snowed last night. Children’s laughs fill the air as they go on with their snowball fights while the adults watch from afar, smiling fondly before they turn their attention back to putting on Christmas decorations. How ironic people’s hearts seem to get warmer as the weather grows colder.

     The frigid air cuts into Yoongi’s face and worm their way in through his clothes as he starts walking. With how cold it is, the bakery’s probably packed. Hopefully Seokjin saved some pastries for him.



Wanna get to the other side of the earth, holding your hand

Wanna put an end to this winter


     A familiar chime greets them as Hoseok and Yoongi step into the shop. As usual, chattering and the smell of baked goods fills the air inside Seokjin’s bakery. The normally comfortable atmosphere feels like a warm embrace with the freezing climate outside. Almost as good as the chocolate croissant Yoongi bites into. Hoseok lets out a chuckle when Yoongi softly moans at the taste of the pastry. Well, it’s delicious, don’t blame him. Blame Seokjin. It’s his fault for making such heavenly food.



How much longing should we see snowing down

To have the days of spring


     “Two chocolate croissants and one hot cocoa with marshmallows and whipped cream.”

     “Thanks” Yoongi mutters as he takes the bag and cup.

     “You know eating this much chocolate everyday isn’t healthy right?”

Yoongi only gives Seokjin an uninterested stare as he takes a sip.

     “Not staying?” His brother asks when Yoongi turns to walk out.

     “No, I’m going to the beach today.”

Yoongi pushes the door open and steps back into the chilly air without further explanation. Seokjin knows.



Like the tiny dust, tiny dust floating in the air

Will I get to you a little faster

If I was the snow in the air


     With the current weather, the beach is deserted and Yoongi finds himself sitting alone on the sand, just staring at the relentless waves. It isn’t too cold here with the sea holding its heat from summer and all that. He’s pretty sure he learned in science class once about large bodies of water changing their temperatures slower than their surroundings or something. Sometimes Yoongi feels like that. Like the world has moved on and he’s still stuck in the same place. The ocean is still in summer. And Yoongi is still back last year.



Snowflakes fall down

And get farther away little by little


     “There’s something on your face” Yoongi knows where this is going by now.

     “No there isn’t”

     “Yes, there is” and before he can turn away, Hoseok leans over to press his lips on Yoongi’s nose.

     “Liar” and he pouts, but it’s taking all his willpower not to break out in a grin. At least he can blame the red spreading all the way to his ears on the cold.

     “No, there really was a snowflake, but it melted.” Yoongi stares in disbelief at the blatantly fake excuse, but Hoseok just shrugs and takes another bite of his croissant, leaving him to sigh and do the same.



I miss you (I miss you)

I miss you (I miss you)


     “You should have worn more clothes” Hoseok tells him when Yoongi shivers.

     “I’m fine,” Yoongi insists as Hoseok puts the extra jacket he brought around him, but his teeth is chattering.

     “No, you’re literally colder than the ground right now.”

     Yoongi wonders how he can be cold when he has the sun with him. But he won’t say that, because the low temperature makes Hoseok pull him closer and wrap him arms around him tighter.



How long do I have to wait

And how many sleepless nights do I have to spend

To see you, to meet you


     By the time Yoongi got back, the sun had almost fulling sunk behind the tall buildings that can be seen through his window. His room is almost pitch black, but Yoongi could navigate it even if he’s blind. He still bumps into the corner of the shoe cabinet, though. He should really get to moving that. But Yoongi knows he won’t. It’s been two years since Hoseok left but almost everything in their apartment remains unchanged. Yoongi always tells himself he’ll take the untouched clothes out of the closet tomorrow. He’ll throw out that unnecessary second toothbrush tomorrow. And he’ll stop making too much food because he’s the only one here. Tomorrow. Tomorrow became weeks that turned into months and eventually.. years. Years and Yoongi still couldn’t bring himself to do anything.


     He even sleeps on half the bed. Because it’s already become a habit, never mind that they only lived together for a quarter of the time Hoseok’s been gone. Only one thing has changed: Yoongi doesn’t sleep anymore. Sometimes he wonders if he just lays awake, waiting for the night to pass and he just doesn’t remember. It’s not uncommon for him to blank out anyways.



Passing by the edge of the cold winter

Until the days of spring

Until the days of flower blossoms

Please stay, please stay there a little longer


     The news was a shock. After a while, though, the only thing Yoongi was shocked at was that he didn’t see it coming. How could he not notice that Hoseok’s gotten thinner? Even a short run, ones he used to be able to do hundreds of without even breaking a sweat, leaves him bent over trying to catch his breath. But he needs to be healthy. So Yoongi will stay alongside him and give encouraging words like the ones he whisper when they’re in the claustrophobic white rooms that always smell too clean and makes him feel too empty. Sometimes he isn’t really sure who he’s trying to convince, but he holds on. So that Hoseok has something to hold on to.



Is it you who changed (Is it you who changed)

Or is it me (Or is it me)

I hate this moment, this time flowing by


     The door slams as Yoongi walks away. They’ve gotten used to this. To doors slamming in frustration after screaming matches that leave them both drained. Or maybe it’s just Yoongi who’s gotten used to this, because he can almost imagine the weary look in Hoseok’s eyes as he stares after him. He should go back... but Yoongi is tired, too. Tired of all of Hoseok’s cheery smiles and the way he makes too many jokes nowadays. Tired at the acceptance he finds in Hoseok’s eyes. Tired because he remembers how the first one started: Hoseok said the treatment was pointless and he would rather spend their last months (weeks) together creating better memories in more beautiful places than the bleak, white rooms of hospitals. He’s tired that Hoseok decided they’ve already lost. He’s tired because he knows he doesn’t want to spend whatever borrowed time they are living on these pointless fights. He’s tired because he knows the days are counting down.



Yes I hate you, you left me

But I never stopped thinking about you, not even a day


     The gravestone blends in with the hundred exact copies of it. That never seemed right to Yoongi, because Hoseok stood out more than anything in his life. He guesses all of the gravestones probably meant the whole world to someone else too, though. Nevertheless, in a hundred years, they’ll be nothing more than rocks sticking out of the ground. It isn’t right.



Honestly I miss you, but I’ll erase you

'Cause it hurts less than to blame you


     “Are you sure?” He doesn’t know what he expects to have changed within the last ten minutes.

     “Yes” and just as the thought, Hoseok’s answer remains the same. “Let’s travel the world, Yoongi.”

     And Hoseok looks so sure he manages to wash over Yoongi’s uncertainty. He still doesn’t believe it’s a good idea. They still have a chance. Hoseok doesn’t think so, and Yoongi doesn’t agree, but he just can’t bear to see him sitting sullen on a hospital bed forever. At least he’s smiling now as they sit on the beach, watching the sun set. It’s the happiest Yoongi has seen him in.. a while. That’s why it’ll be alright. Yoongi will be alright.



I try to exhale you in pain

Like smoke, like white smoke


     Somehow the tears manage to slip through. And it’s like a dam broke and Yoongi couldn’t stop crying. He doesn’t know what started it. Maybe it was the weird feeling he suddenly got that they’d never be here again: sitting under the stars, watching the repeating patterns of water splashing the sand again. It’s stupid, really. This is just their first destination. They’ll visit many more places. Dammit he shouldn’t be crying if this is Hoseok’s attempt to make better memories.



I say that I’ll erase you

But I can’t really let you go yet


     It’s as if Hoseok can read his thoughts, because he hugs him closer and tells him to cry all he want because they’ll visit more places. So Yoongi buries his face into his boyfriend’s shirt and clutches him tighter while inhaling his familiar scent. The roles should be reversed. Yoongi’s not the one dying. Still, he can’t bring himself to pull away, even when they’re back at the hotel room, sleeping.



Snowflakes fall down

And get farther away little by little


     Light washes into the room due to the open curtains and Yoongi blinks awake. He sits up, expecting to see Hoseok standing there, watching the sea and turning back to smile at him when he notices Yoongi is awake. Yoongi frowns when he looks around and is met with an empty room with no sign of his boyfriend. The tension between his brows ease out when he realizes Hoseok is still sleeping next to him. He’ll never get used to this. Hoseok looks so frail with his unnaturally pale skin and thin hair. At least he looks peaceful. So Yoongi lays back down so he can wrap his arms around Hoseok. He’s cold. But the air conditioner has been blowing down directly on them last night. He’s too still. Yoongi hugs the orange haired boy closer and puts his head on his chest. He finally lets the tears flow when Hoseok doesn’t give any reaction. How could he? He isn’t breathing.



I miss you (I miss you)

I miss you (I miss you)


They didn’t get to visit more places and Yoongi is mad. Mad at himself for not agreeing to this earlier. And mad at Hoseok because he lied. He promised they would get to make better memories. He lied.



Maybe it’s cherry blossoms

And this winter will be over

I miss you (I miss you)

I miss you (I miss you)


     He’s back here again, staring past the horizon. Decades have passed and Yoongi will always come back. But for this particular beach, this will be his last time. His nieces and nephews refused to let him live alone any longer. They say they can’t stand being constantly anxious that he’ll fall down the stairs or get into some other equally terrible accident. Yoongi is too tired to argue so he gave in. At least the new place will have a beach. It won’t be the same one, but it’ll still be sand and the sea and the sky. That’s all that is left here anyways.



Wait a little bit, just a few more nights

I’ll be there to see you (I'll go there to meet you)

I’ll come for you (I'll come for you)


     The show his nurse opened plays on but Yoongi would rather watch the snow outside his window. His doctor jokes that he acts like he’s about to die. They’re sure he’ll live through a few more winters. But Yoongi knows. You can feel death approaching before he comes to collect you.



Passing by the edge of the cold winter

Until the days of spring

Until the days of flower blossoms

Please stay, please stay there a little longer


     Walking along the beach is something Yoongi kept doing even after he was forced to move here. And when his body wouldn’t tolerate long walks anymore, Yoongi still sat and watched the waves crashing on the shore.


     “Hey” Hoseok says next to him.


     “Hey” Yoongi turns to smile back.