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Waiting for a friend

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Dear diary,

 

Today's word is unhappy. 

Unhappy.

Adjective.

Meaning not happy or just sad.

Word that defines me many days.

Word that defines me today.

Word that maybe, I said maybe always defined me...

 

I'm tired and in need of cigarettes. I know it's not ok yet I am addicted to a lot of bad things like:

  • To please everyone else putting my needs aside
  • The urges to pull out my hair when I'm stressed (constantly)
  • Alcohol
  •  And sugary drinks, mostly. 

 

I even started to tremble until I had finished five milkshakes with some gummy on top. Yep, I can't function without sugar. 

 

Just one more bad habit to add to my pile. 

 

Anyway, today was not a great day. I don't think I gave anyone a real smile. I've wandering  around the school all day because Lizzie's planning her birthday. 

 

I mean, our birthday. I didn't gave her opinions because she didn't need them and I actually had some. It hurts that she's planning everything at her taste. 

 

Hope even pointed that out and made me shiver, Lizzie wasn't happy with her snarky comment. 

 

It's alarming, honestly, how much selfish she is and even weird how affects me. Well, not actually. I'm constantly conflicted about everything and everyone. 

 

Lizzie's behavior today wasn't the best and it's not the first time. She's been moody those days and I honestly have no idea what to do.

 

I have no idea how to help her because I don't even know how to help myself right now. She's upset that mom's not coming and I told that it's fine. That we have each other. In rage she said to me "Its not enough and never will." I know she didn't meant it. 

 

I'm feeling useless and I hate myself. I don't want to do anything. Everything hurts and I can't help but feel sad all the time.

 

Dad's not really helpful, he caught me smoking yesterday and didn't argued or grounded me and I know why: it's because he doesn't care. He only looked at me and told me to go get Lizzie because she had a mental breakdown.

 

Mom's pretends to be doing her best traveling and all but she is avoiding us, I know that she won't find a cure for the merge.

 

Which by the way, they don't know that I know. 

 

And I feel what she's doing. Being away and not seeing us makes easier when it's time and she comes back to one daughter only. 

 

I wanted to tell her that I know I'll be dead in a few years so she spends so time with us.

 

That would made Lizzie happy!

 

I honestly don't really care that I'll die. No, I'm relived! My mind is not okay because I'm tired of living with this codependency.

 

Sometimes I feel the urge to fight and whenever I give this urge a voice it makes someone unhappy and I don't like that and I can't talk to anyone about that because they would say I'm not okay. 

 

I want a friend to talk. To drink with. To do what friends do. I would love to have someone to listen to me again.

 

Most of the things in theory are easier to do but when it comes to doing it, it's really hard. Lizzie would flip everytime I tried to make a friend when we were kids.

 

Everything went down when I dated Penelope. 

 

Lizzie would crash anything if I forgot to do something for her especially if she thought that I was with Penelope instead of doing it. And I actually felt bad every single time it happened.

 

I know it's bad but I can't stop myself.

 

One side of me wants to lay down and don't do anything and the other screams in need to not be alone and feel extremely guilty for being slightly selfish and not being helpful. 

 

Yeah, I know it's wrong and Lizzie might take advantage of it but she doesn't do that often, right? She needs help, support and only gets from me.

 

I'm doing everything I can and it's not enough! What else can I do? I love her and I want her to be happy because I know how much sucks to be sad all the time. 

 

I fear that she feels lonely because it's one of the worst feelings.

 

I fear that I'm not enough to anyone.

 

I wanna do something. I wanna travel the world before it's late. I wanna be someone and I simply can't. It's horrible. I want things that I can't even do myself. 

 

At least I can see it but it kinda makes worse that I recognize it because I'm not stopping. 

 

It's not that I don't want. It's that I can't. It's the only reason I wake up every damn day. I wanna be in peace with myself but I'm not sure if I ever will. 

 

It's so tiring.

 

If she sends for me I know I'll go without any doubt.

If she calls for me I know I'll run right away to her. 

 

The only satisfaction I get it's when she's fine with something but she's almost never one hundred percent happy with anything. She changes her mind a lot so it's really hard to make her happy but it's fine.

 

 

Now it's night and as exhausted as I am I can't sleep. I beg her sometimes to not leave me alone to sleep because when I'm alone I simply can't. This night I even borrowed, without Lizzie's knowledge, some of her sleeping pills, and I took three today and nothing.

 

Lizzie's currently sleeping with Rafael probably. 

 

I wanna sleep but I can't. 

 

I think I'll go smoke for a bit until I feel like I'll sleep. 

 

It's not easy for me to talk about this and I mostly run when people point out what's happening. Yeah, it's not healthy but I can't stop or explain to anyone so I don't want to talk about it.

 

There's nothing to talk about actually. It's sick but I'm dying in four years because of my coven but it's fine as long as my twin lives.

 

I'm a mess.

 

Lizzie needs to be happy and that's why I love her. Love is powerful. I love all her flaws and all her qualities. One things for sure, is that I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

I believe that I'll be happy and loved but not now. It's sad and feels like I've been living locked up but it's fine, I guess.

 

I'm waiting for my friend to come and get me out.