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Kinky Retail Professionalism

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Jason played it cool. Even when he reviewed the security camera feeds. Even when he reviewed the security cams for the fourth time, cross-checked with google image search, and then exported video clips to his flash drive. He didn't say a word while he was handing the store off to Scotty. All the way home, he kept up the appearance of being totally calm. He was a professional. He was a person people trusted with some pretty intimate information about them. He took that seriously. He kept plenty of people's secrets.

The second he had the apartment door locked behind him, Jason covered his face with both hands and screamed at the top of his lungs.

Adam popped out of the kitchen like he was spring-loaded, but he stopped in the hallway when Jason's shriek trailed off into hysterical giggles.

"Babe?" Adam said. He was still in his khakis and work shirt and he had a wooden spoon in his hand. He was making pasta; Jason could smell the sauce. Jason couldn't stop laughing.

Adam was starting to smile. He went back into the kitchen and returned with the silver-and-pink plastic tiara that lived on top of the fridge except when Jason either a) demanded a crown for or while doing something or b) awarded it to Adam for something.

"I don't know what's going on but I'm betting you're gonna tell me you earned this today," Adam said, settling the tiara on Jason's head. Jason kissed him, still giggling.

"I did," Jason said, "you have no idea, I earned this so hard. I am the Queen Princess of Keeping A Straight Face today."

"And you've spent a lot of time in that kingdom," Adam observed. "Come on, Your Maj, tell me in the kitchen."

Jason followed--taking his usual appreciative glance at Adam's ass, which looked great but totally work-appropriate in those khakis. Jason had gone shopping with him for those. God, and they weren't even new anymore, not really. He tried to count back to when Adam took him shopping--November? It was almost November again already. Adam needed new khakis and Jason needed to figure out if they had an anniversary coming up.

"So?" Adam said, and for a second Jason was still trying to guess when their anniversary was and whether he'd already missed it, and then he pressed both hands over his mouth and screamed a little bit again.

Adam grinned and went to taste the pasta sauce.

"Okay," Jason said. "Okay so you know Hot Not Homeless Prosthetic Arm Queer Guy?"

Adam nodded thoughtfully, which could have been in reply to either Jason or the sauce, but he said, "Not to be confused with his former incarnation, Hot Homeless Prosthetic Arm Dudebro."

"Yes, yes, I learned an important lesson about not judging poorly groomed men by their trucker caps and superficial discomfort," Jason said hastily, because that was kind of the least of what he hadn't known about Hot Not Homeless Prosthetic Arm Queer Guy.

Adam actually set the spoon down and turned to listen, both hands gripping the counter edge.

"So today he came back," Jason said. "With friends. Big clean-cut gorgeous blond guy and almost as big clean-cut gorgeous black guy. And he says, Hey, Jason--oh God, he knows my name, that will be cooler in a minute okay--" Adam swallowed a laugh and nodded, and Jason went on. "And then he says, This is Steve--blond guy--and this is Sam--black guy--and. Adam. I am not even fucking kidding you. Steve's credit card had his full name on it so I knew I wasn't fucking hallucinating. Hot Not Homeless Prosthetic Arm Queer Guy brought Captain America and Falcon to my goddamn store today."

Adam blinked. "Steve... Rogers. And Sam was Sam Wilson."

"CAPTAIN AMERICA AND FALCON," Jason screamed, jumping up and down a little and clutching his tiara.

Once he believed it Adam was going to understand exactly how amazing this was. He had basically every Captain America comic. Jason had lugged the incredibly heavy boxes up to this apartment, he was thoroughly aware of the size of Adam's comic collection. Adam had feelings about Captain America, but Cap wasn't even his favorite. Adam hadn't written his senior history thesis about Cap. (Adam had written his senior history thesis while Jason was still in high school, but he'd won an award for it, which was one of the google hits for Adam's name, so Jason had read a pretty good chunk of it before their second date and then spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to bring up the Howling Commandos in casual conversation; the geeky enthusiasm that resulted when Jason did it had had a lot to do with not waiting for a third date before he got Adam out of his not-as-flattering-as-the-ones-Jason-helped-him-buy-last-November date night jeans.)

Adam was starting to look kind of starstruck, which meant he was actually processing what Jason had told him. "Holy shit. Did they--were they shopping for them, or--"

"I'm not gonna tell you what they bought," Jason said, straightening up and being Queen Princess of Kinky Retail Professionalism again. "But dude, all three of them. They were shopping for all three of them. ALL THREE OF THEM WERE GIVING OPINIONS ABOUT ALL THREE OF THEM."

Adam let that one sit for a second, visibly trying not to laugh, and then cracked up as he said, "Like, about themselves in the third person?"

"Oh my God, shut up and focus on the important part," Jason insisted, poking Adam in the chest. "All three of them are wearing sexy undies from my store right now because all three of them are sleeping together in a beautiful polyamorous relationship. They are having crazy athletic super-coordinated threesome sex like literally no other real people actually manage to have! And that is not even actually the part that is going to blow the top of your head off."

Adam raised his eyebrows. "I wasn't aware that any of this was going to blow the top of my head off, babe."

"Yeah, well," Jason grinned. This was going to be so great. "Guess what Hot Not Homeless Prosthetic Arm Queer Guy's name is? Guess what Captain America and Falcon both called him while he was trying to make up his mind about colors today?"

Adam shook his head slightly, still kind of amused, waiting for it.

Jason leaned in. "This is a secret," he whispered. "No one knows this. Okay? This is an actual secret and because I am the Queen Princess of Professionalism I will never tell anyone but because I am the best boyfriend ever I am telling you, okay?"

Adam was frowning now. "Okay?"

"They both called him Bucky," Jason whispered. "And I think he is. Adam, I looked at the pictures of him on the security cams and I think he really--"

"No," Adam said faintly, and Jason watched him go pale and then red. "Jay, are you--you're--"

"I've got the video, I'll show you," Jason whispered. "You know I wouldn't tell you if I didn't--"

And then he couldn't talk for a while because Adam, the biggest Bucky Barnes fanboy Jason had ever met, was kissing him for all he was worth.