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The New World Begins

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Scene opens as COLIN FARRELL, aka Bullseye is stuck in a boat outside of the future Gotham. This virgin land is pretty, and accompanied by even prettier music that signals to all audience members that this isn’t some simpering Disney movie about the colors of the wind.

Colin Farrell: I’m finally in a movie where I get to be me! And they’re going to kill me once we’re ashore! I can’t wait!

Christopher Plummer: Hey, I know I said I was going to kill you, but then we wouldn’t have much of a movie, would we? I’ll wait and let the indians kill you. That’ll make everything easier, AND provide a modicrum of suspense for the people who don’t remember that Disney movie.

Colin Farrell: You’re just scared of Bullseye! Hah!

Native Americans: What is WITH all these pale people running around? And what’s with their obsession with shiny things?

Colonists: Shiny things! We must find gold!

Christopher Plummer: Btw, uh, I’m going to leave you all to fend for yourselves over the winter while I, uh, go get more supplies. Yes. I’m totally not running away from the situation. Also, Bullsey—er, Colin Farrell, you should lead a team up the river to see if you can get them to trade with you. Take two tied up natives along with you; that will surely endear them to us.

White guys in the boat with Colin Farrell: We’re screwed, aren’t we?

Colin Farrell: Yeah, probably. You don’t even have names, after all.

They separate, and Colin Farrell is alone in the wilderness.

Native Americans: *attack*

Shiny armor: *protects Colin Farrell from would’ve been a pretty sucky way to go*

Native Americans: Ahhh. Shiny armor. Got it. Well, what happens if we take off your helmet?! Not so tough now!

They bring him to Powhatan, who doesn’t really care for shiny things

Powhatan: Eh, he’s just a white savage. Kill him.

Pocahontas: No! I love him!

Everyone else: Huh?

Pocahontas: I saw him in a field! For all of five seconds! I love him!

Powhatan: Why can’t you fall for a member of a boy band like a normal teenager?

Pocahontas: I can’t help it! I’m a sucker for bad boys!

Colin Farrell: *shrugs* Well, I am bad.

Powhatan: Trust me, I saw Alexander. I know.

Colin Farrell: Hey!

Powhatan: Well, to keep my daughter from driving me crazy, you can live for now, and spend all your free time with her, despite your bad boy reputation. I’m sure you two won’t fall in love and endanger my people, etc.

Colin Farrell proceeds to spend all his free time with Pocahontas, they fall in love, and this ensures that her people will indeed be endangered later in the movie.

Powhatan: I’ve seen the way you look at my daughter, and frankly, I’d be surprised if you two haven’t been going at it like rabbits behind my back. So I’m sending you back home, provided you promise to leave in the spring.

Colin Farrell: *crosses fingers behind his back* Uh, we haven’t...I mean...okay, sure. I’ll leave in the spring.

Colin Farrell arrives at the crappy fort the others have built and realizes everything went to hell while he was gone.

Colin Farrell: Jesus Christ! Who’s been in charge?

Remus Lupin: Colin! Want some chocolate?

Colin Farrell: What? Chocolate? Are you mad?

Remus Lupin: Eat the chocolate or I’ll kill you! Or turn you into a werewolf!

Someone: *shoots Lupin with a silver bullet* So, uh, let’s make Colin Farrell our leader.

Colin Farrell: Rock on! Um, a well! Now!

Winter: *arrives*

Everyone: *freezes, starves*

Pocahontas: Oh, honeycakes! I come bearing food!

Colin Farrell: You shouldn’t have come here! You should’ve let us starve and eat each other!

Pocahontas: I thought you loved me!

Colin Farrell: I’m a bad boy! I can love no one!

Time: *passes*

Native Americans: *find fresh crops growing near the white people's crappy fort*

Powhatan: Pocahontas! We’re screwed! They’re going to stay, aren’t they? And you gave them the grain to grow that food, too!

Pocahontas: I love him! *runs to Colin Farrell* Run away with me!

Colin Farrell: Hellooo. I was in Alexander. Why should I run away with you when there’s a whole group of guys I can hang out with here?

Pocahontas: ...but I’m an indian princess! And besides, the others? Totally going to kill you guys. My dad is pissed you haven’t left yet.

Colin Farrell: Come and live with me! In the fort!

Pocahontas: No offense, but that is one of the crappiest forts I’ve ever seen. Our toddlers make better forts than that. No, I’d better just run away and be epicly sad with epic music playing in the background. *does this*

Native Americans: *attack*

Colonists: *fight, pretty pathetically*

Colin Farrell: *lives up to the name of Bullseye, and is likely the only non-Native American with any idea of how to fight*

Native Americans: *climb like kitty cats over the walls of the fort*

Colonists: *somehow, out of sheer “this movie won’t progress otherwise” ability, secure the fort*

Meanwhile, back in the village...

Powhatan: Pocahontas, you are no longer my daughter. Go away.

Pocahontas: (A la Darth Vader, Episode III) Noooooooooooo!


Colonists: So, we could totally buy your honey for a copper kettle.

Colin Farrell: What? No! We don’t buy slaves! NEVER!

Africans: Yeah, right. Give it a couple years.

Colonists: You can’t be president of our fort anymore! *they buy Pocahontas from some other Native Americans and take her to the fort*

Pocahontas: I love you, Colin Farrell!

Colin Farrell: Bullseye loves no one!

Pocahontas: Not even me?

Colin Farrell: ...well, Bullseye does have needs...

Pocahontas: I can live with that. You're not the only one with needs, and I've got a target you can hit all night...

Christopher Plummer: *walks up awkwardly* Hey! I told you guys I wasn’t deserting you! Look! I even brought women! And someone else...clothed in black...

Colonists: ?

Christopher Plummer: You’ll see. Oh, and Bullseye? In order to move the plot along, we’re cutting your part. You’re going to leave and do that exploring thing you do so well.

Colin Farrell: Cool. Um, tell Pocahontas I died, okay? I don’t want her chasing after me.

He leaves, and Pocahontas is distraught at his death. Also, a funny English woman begins teaching her how to be more like an English woman. In the shadows, a dark figure watches...

Batman: You know, I need a replacement for Rachel...ooh, she’s kinda pretty. And sad and lonely, like me!

Pocahontas: *doing something vaguely agricultural in a garden* I swear, if that English female incarnation of Howard Hughes makes me wash my hands one more time...

Batman: I am the Dark Knight. I am also not very subtle when it comes to pick-up lines. Can I spend this afternoon with you?

Pocahontas: Uh...if it’ll get English woman off my back for a little while, why not?

Batman falls in love with Pocahontas, even after she gets baptized and renamed the most mundane of all names, Rebecca. When Batman isn’t spending his afternoons with Pocahontas/Rebecca, he’s out looking for what American History students will know as “cash crops.”

Batman: So...since there’s not much crime for me to fight here with Bullseye gone and Gotham not built yet, want to help me grow tobacco, thereby ensuring that a large number of people in the future get lung cancer?

Rebecca: I hate my life. Sounds like a plan. Here, put this fish in next to the tobacco plant.

Batman: We’re growing fish, too?!

Rebecca:...fertilizer, man.

Batman: Ah, right. Say, let’s get hitched.

Rebecca: Again with the subtlety, I see. Where would we live?

Batman: Duh, the Batcave.

Rebecca: Can I drive the Batmobile?

Batman: Every third Tuesday and on holidays. But no rooftops!

Rebecca: Deal!

Their life goes well, and they even have a little Bat-boy. But then...

Colonist woman #1: So Colin Farrell, he’s totally into me, right? And then...

Colonist woman #2: Yeah?

Colonist woman #1: He muttered something about a wok, and up and left for London. Last I heard, he was partying in Cheapside trying to salvage his bad boy reputation after letting some daredevil guy get the best of him.

Rebecca: My luuuurve is alive!

Batman: Well, of course. I’m right here.

Rebecca: No! My bad boy, Bullseye! I’m married to him, you see.

Batman:...I thought you married me.

Rebecca: I really just wanted to drive the Batmobile. Sorry.

Batman: This would be a bad time to mention we’ve been invited to go to London and meet the king and queen, wouldn’t it?

Rebecca: *plots* No, that sounds like a really good idea, actually.

They take a boat trip to London that lasts approximately three seconds.

Batman: Waaaay better than the Concorde, I’m telling you. And I should know. I’m a bajillionaire, after all.

Rebecca: *gives a bird and a raccoon to the king and queen* Now I’m going to sit around the house and mope.

Colin Farrell: Bullseye is here for his honey!

Batman: *raises an eyebrow* You know what? I’m secure enough in my manliness that Rebecca, I’m going to let you go spend some time with him. I’m sure you’ll come to see that I rock way more than he does. I hope.

Colin Farrell: So...I kinda screwed you over, didn’t I?

Rebecca: Yep. You kinda did.

Colin Farrell: Forgive me?

Rebecca: Yep. But you know, you’re a crappy bad boy now. I liked you better when my dad was about to kill you, and when you had that shiny armor. Here, you’re not so tough. But I will say, your hair is just as stringy and dirty-looking as it was back home, and that’s a feat not easily continued.

Colin Farrell: Come on, I’ve got to be better than Batman.

Rebecca: You don’t have a Batmobile, do you?

Colin Farrell: ..sadly, no.

Rebecca: See ya ‘round, in that case. *she leaves, and goes to Batman* I love you, Batmobi—er, Batman. Now, let’s go home.

Batman: You love me! Or at least my shiny toys! Hurray! Yes, let’s go home now before you catch any diseases you haven’t built up an immunity for!

Rebecca: *dies of a disease she hasn’t built up an immunity for before they get very far out to sea* Well, this sucks. Tell Bat-boy I love him, and stay away from any woman whose first name is Cat, okay?

Batman: I’ll do my best.

Epic music: *is epic*

Epic scenery: *is epic, and windy*

Movie: *Ends focusing on the beauty of the Americas (without going into any sort of detail about just how screwed the Native Americans will be), which means it ends on a high albeit slightly sad note because now Batman will live alone, with only his butler and an immense cash crop fortune to keep him company*