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Wondering

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Lena had spent the whole drive from L-Corp to the apartment complex wondering if she was doing the right thing. Lex needed to be stopped. He died and then he wrote the entire universe so he could come back. Sure Lena was still a little fuzzy on how the universe was re-written but that’s what she needed Kara for. That was the only thing she needed Kara for, helping her stop Lex and putting things right in the universe again. That was it. Lena didn’t need Kara for anything else. 

Maybe if she told herself that often enough, she’d actually believe it. 

Now wasn’t the time to think about that though. Now Lena had a bigger question to ponder. Should she knock or just walk right in? 

Before everything that happened, before Kara won the Pulitzer and told Lena her secret, before Lena decided that it was too little too late, Lena would have simply waltzed into Kara’s apartment without hesitation. She would have been greeted with a hug and probably a drink pressed into her hand if Alex was there, and then she would have settled on the couch or floor with Kara right by her side. She’d seamlessly insert herself into whatever was happening in the loft that night, be it game night with the whole group, girls only night with Alex, or even a movie night with just her and Kara. Her presence in Kara’s loft would have been unquestioned by everyone, least of all Lena herself. 

Now, Lena stood in front of Kara’s door with her hands at her side unsure how to proceed. Would Kara even want to see her? Or want to talk to her? Every conversation they’d had in the last few weeks had been nothing but biting quips and harsh looks on Lena’s end and Kara looking brokenhearted and resigned but with the ever-present bit of hope in her eyes. Kara looked as devastated as Lena felt every time they spoke and she had flown off with tears brimming in her eyes every single time. Could Lena do that to her in Kara’s own home? Did she want too? 

The answer to that question was an obvious no. Lena never wanted to hurt Kara. Even though Lena felt hurt and betrayed and all the things she would never feel because of someone like Kara, Lena never wanted to hurt her. When she was actively trying to hurt Kara, every part of Lena ached to stop. To make it all go back to the way it was before. To take away all the secrets and lies and go back to the only lie Lena told herself was that she could be okay with being just friends with Kara. Just friends, no matter how much Lena wanted to be so much more than that. 

Lena raises her hand, finally, but pauses in her motion to knock. There’s music coming from the other side of the door, which isn’t uncommon in Kara’s loft but this was different than the pop that usually played. This was soft piano, accompanied by Kara’s beautiful voice. Lena wasn’t aware of pushing the door open until Kara herself came into view. 

Kara was seated in a corner of the loft, her fingers dancing across the keys of a piano that Lena couldn’t remember seeing there before. At first she was just vocalizing in time with the notes she played and that was enough to take Lena’s breath away. Then the music changed and Kara began to sing in earnest. 

Seems like a part of me will always have to lose

Every single time I have to choose

Lena stepped further into the room and closed the door as quietly as she could but she didn’t move further into the room. Kara had her eyes closed as she played and Lena was mezmorized by her voice, the emotion in Kara’s voice filling Lena up and leaving her unable to do anything but stare in wonder as Kara moved from the first verse to the chorus. 

On the other side of all I've had and lost

Would it be enough, or would I still be wondering?

 

If I could go back and change the past

Be a little braver than I had

And bet against the odds

Would I still be lost?

Even if I woke up in my dreams

Would there still be something I'm missing

If I had everything, would it mean anything

To me?

Kara’s head lifted, the muscles in her neck straining as she sang the high notes with dazzling accuracy. Lena shouldn’t be surprised, she’s heard Kara sing before. But this quiet moment in her loft was nothing like Kara singing karaoke in the bar with their half-drunk friends. She continues through the second verse and then hits the bridge. Her eyes are still closed but Lena almost thinks she sees a tear falling from them. 

Maybe I should turn around and take the other road

Or maybe I'm just looking for what I already know

I'm just wondering

Feels like I might have broke the best thing that I had

I said too much to ever take it back

Scared I'll never find something as good

And would I even know it if I could?

 

From the other side of all I've had and lost

Would it be enough, or would I still be wondering?

(Or would I still be wondering, oh)

Kara repeats the second verse again, singing lower than before but maybe with even more emotion. Lena feels the tears in her own eyes well but she can’t bring herself to blink them away. She doesn’t want to miss a second of this. 

If I could go back and change the past

Be a little braver than I had

And bet against the odds

Would I still be lost?

Even if I woke up in my dreams

Would there still be something I'm missing

If I had everything, would it mean anything

To me?

 

Would it be enough

Or would I still be wondering? 

Kara’s hands come to a stop along the piano keys and her shoulders slump. Lena resists the urge to clap and cheer and clears her throat instead. The sound is almost unnoticeable, but Kara looks up quickly. Her eyes spot Lena immediatly and she can see the hope the rises in them, the joy at seeing Lena there, before the blue becomes guarded again and Kara stands from the piano bench, wiping away her tears with one hand. 

“Lena, hey,” Kara sniffles slightly and there’s no mistaking the brightness of her eyes. It’s a particular shade of blue that Lena only sees when Kara is crying, the one shade of blue that she never wants to see in Kara’s eyes. “I didn’t hear you come in.” 

“I’m sorry, I was going to knock but I hear you singing…” Lena trails off and looks over at the piano. “I didn’t know you played?” 

“I don’t so much anymore but after everything that’s happened the last few weeks,” Kara shrugs helplessly. “I needed something to feel okay again.” 

Lena had noticed, of course, that Kara hadn’t been okay when they spoke in her office earlier, but she hadn’t let herself really see it until just then. The slump in Kara’s shoulders, the tightness of her smile, the way she played with her hands and wouldn’t look Lena in the eye for longer than a few seconds. All signs of a Kara who desperately needed to be comforted somehow. All signs of a Kara who needed to just be Kara for a little while. Not Kara Danvers, CatCo reporter and little sister to Alex. Not Supergirl, the protector of their city and a symbol of hope for so many people. Just Kara, just who she was when there was no pressure for her to be anyone else. The person she used to be able to be around Lena. 

“I-” Lena closed her mouth, everything that she had been planning to tell Kara leaving her mind. This was Kara, her favorite version of Kara, in sweatpants and an old college t-shirt, her hair down and flowing and without the glasses on her nose. This version of Kara shouldn’t be burdened with the problems of the universe, with Lena’s family problems. 

“You’re here about Lex?” Kara guessed because of course she still knew Lena that well. She could still read Lena like an open book and reach the heart of all her problems without even trying. 

“I don’t know what happened during the Crisis,” Lena nods, “but I know that that man is not who he is pretending to be. He needs to be stopped but I can’t do it on my own. I need your help.” 

“Of course,” Kara reaches to push her glasses up her nose and then remembers that she’s not wearing them and drops her hand back down. “You still have the watch I gave you, right? Whenever you need Supergirl, just press the button.” 

“Wait, Kara, I don’t mean that I need Supergirl,” Lena reaches out to stop Kara when she starts to walk away. Her hand touches Kara’s arm and Lena is momentarily distracted by the softness of Kara’s skin. “I mean, I do. But I also need you. I need my best friend, Kara. And I know that there’s so much we need to talk about and I don’t know if I can forget what happened between us, but I’m willing to forgive you.” 

“Don’t. Lena, don’t,” Kara shakes her head and pulls away from Lena’s grasp. “I’m here for you always. For whatever you need. But don’t forgive me because of this. I know what I did, I know how much it hurt you and I know I haven’t earned your forgiveness yet. I don’t know if I ever will.” 

“I don’t know if you will either,” Lena admitted and followed Kara to the bay window. Kara still wouldn’t face her so Lenna wedge herself between Kara and the window, gripping Kara by the shoulders to keep her in place. “But I’m willing to try because I love you far more than I could ever hate you.” 

“You deserve someone better than me, Lena. You deserve someone who hasn’t lied to you for years,” Kara closed her eyes when Lena cupped her jaw. 

“I don’t care what I deserve, Kara. Not when it comes to this, to us,” Lena leaned forward until her forehead touched Kara’s. “I care about what I want and right now all I want is you.” 

“I don’t know if I can be just your friend anymore, Lena. I thought I could be, but then you died. Everyone died. I lost my world for the second time and then I got it back. I can’t bare to lose you again.” 

“So you’d rather not have me at all?” Lena questioned softly, filing the information about Kara losing her world again away for a later time, a different conversation. 

“Can’t lose what you don’t have,” Kara shrugged slightly but lifted her arms to rest her hands on Lena’s hips. “I didn’t think I could have you anyway. Not like this.” 

“You could, we could be like this, but we have to promise not to lie to each other. Even when the truth hurts, even when the truth might put us in danger. We’re not starting our relationship on lies this time. And whatever happens, whatever Lex’s plan is, we deal with it together. No matter what. Deal?” Lena moved one hand to the back of Kara’s neck, slipping beneath her hair to play with the short curls on the nape of her neck. She can feel Kara’s breath against her lips when she speaks. 

“Deal,” and then Kara is kissing Lena oh so softly, pressing them closer together and Lena suddenly feels weightless. Kara’s lips are just as soft as Lena always thought they would be, her arms strong and sure as they wrap around Lena’s waist. Lena doesn’t even care if they are flying then because she knows that Kara would never drop her. 

When they part, it feels like a weight has been lifted off them. Lena can almost see the physical change in Kara. Her shoulders are held a little higher, her smile is a little less forced. She laughs a little and her cheeks turn a little pink when Lena asks her about the song she had been playing. Lena’s not surprised to learn that it was a Disney song, nor is she surprised when Kara returns to the piano, invites Lena to sit beside her, and shows off all the Disney songs she knows how to play. Lena smiles and leans her head against Kara’s shoulder. 

It’s not perfect, not by any means. There’s still a lot of hurt on both sides and many things they need to talk about. But now Lena doesn’t have to wonder if they’ll be okay at the end of all of this. 

She knows they will be.