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The Definitive Ratings of Samir's Experience Kissing Every Member of The Caravan

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Argeaux - Sometimes you meet a guy so handsome, so relentlessly charming, so flawlessly flirtatious that you just know he’s too good to be true. Like, you know at some point you’ll find the edge of the facade and pull it back to reveal something truly awful, even though you have no way of predicting what that awfulness will be. For Argeaux? I still have no idea what the awfulness is, but apparently it doesn’t have anything to do with kissing, because that make out absolutely lived up to every expectation. 8/10

Dakota - Like most physical activities, I’d say macking is a skill at which Dakota has developed flawless technique but for which she displays practically zero passion unless Argeaux is somehow involved. She did taste like his lipstick, though, which was an unanticipated bonus. 6/10

Miguel - This one might be a bit of a cheat considering we’ve never sucked face in meatspace and it’s not like there’s such a thing as a bad dream necking session, but on the other hand I don’t think he’s had much practice yet frenching around those killer canines. (Not that I’m complaining, obviously.) 9/10

Mama Bang Bang - Okay, now here’s someone who’s put in their practice hours. It is still kinda weird thinking about playing tonsil hockey with Dakota and Argeaux’s mom (?) but honestly I can’t say she couldn’t get it. 7/10 

Banshee - Despite the fact that she lives in, like, my soul, we’ve never actually smooched, both because I don’t exactly get the sense that she’s interested and because the last time I let her near my mouth she vacuumed all the air out of my lungs and nearly suffocated me to death, which, as you can probably imagine, was kind of a mood killer. x/10