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A Bluffer's Guide to Sex

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Scully couldn't believe it: Mulder kept looking at Jade Blue Afterglow's quite preposterous breasts.

He had started barely 30 seconds into their interview of the ridiculously proportioned micro-skirted so-called 'model'. And he had continued through the entire 15 minutes they'd been stuck here.

Not once. Not twice. And not fleeting glances or furtive flickers - Mulder was transfixed; unable to drag his eyes away from the giant protruberances that seemed to be reaching out to him across the dingy interview room like inverted whirlpools of sexual excess.

Scully cleared her throat; it made no difference. She cleared her throat again more vigorously. Mulder handed her a glass of water without looking at her, spilling half down her sleeve.

'Thanks Mulder,' she spat at him.

'Welcome,' he sighed vacuously, blinking at Miss Afterglow's nipples which pressed through her aluminum foil top like closet-door knobs. As Scully watched, she arched her back slightly, almost engulfing the mesmerized agent in her cleavage despite being on the opposite side of the desk.



Scully realized he was a lost cause.

It was plain Jade Blue Afterglow was not the woman who had sliced some video geek's head clean off his body with a ceremonial Samurai sword. The sooner they got out of here and back to the investigation, the better.


'Is something wrong Scully?'

Mulder had had one of the most exciting days of his life but he had had an inkling something might be bugging Scully as they left the VR building. He knew this hadn't been strictly FBI jurisdiction, but the Gunmen needed help and he'd been going stir crazy in the basement and felt like a day out with his partner. In the basement, Scully was all about work 100 per cent of the time. Out of the basement, Scully was all about work only 98 or 99 per cent of the time, and those one or two percentage points were what Mulder lived for. Those were the windows of opportunity for him to buy her a hot dog or to show off his tree-climbing skills, or to wander into her motel room and find her in a tank top instead of a business suit. Those were special times. Mostly though, he only had time to throw in a quick innuendo before that window of opportunity slammed shut on his fingers - and those innuendos were generally unacknowledged and ALWAYS unreciprocated. Still, Mulder never gave up trying to fly under Scully's radar. Sometimes he thought of her as the Death Star: vast, bristling with defenses, and impossibly complex, but with one tiny chink in her armour which - if only he could find it and score a direct hit - would bring the whole thing crashing down and result in planet-sized chunks of that armour spinning off into space, leaving the soft inner core of Scully exposed, warm, relaxed and - hopefully - in his arms.

But right now she looked like she was at Action Stations and ready for an all-out assault on some poor defenseless intergalactic by-stander. Also known as 'him'.

She'd just saved his ass in the most stimulating way imaginable - dressed in full body armour and armed with the biggest gun Mulder had ever seen - bigger even than the one he'd failed to save his own ass with. But he wasn't blaming himself. After all, he'd been doing passably well until Scully burst on the scene looking like Helen of Troy meets Tron. Then he'd been, well, distracted... Thank god for that carbon-fibre codpiece that kept it all hidden - even if it had been a hell of a lot more painful than the erections he routinely got at work.

She hadn't answered his question so he asked it again in a more cheerful way. 'What's up Scully?!'

'Nothing Mulder. I'm fine.'

Oh shit. It was bad. FINE bad. Mulder readjusted his fingers on the steering wheel, licked his lips and went for broke.

'Did I do something wrong?'

Scully made a derisive snorty sound and looked away from him out the window.

Fine AND snorty. He was in serious trouble. And the terrible thing about this kind of serious trouble was that it would never go away by itself. And Mulder couldn't make it go away unless he knew what the hell it was all about.

He sighed: 'C'mon Scully--'

She yelled: 'C'mon?!! Come ON??!!! YOU C'mon Mulder!'

Mulder winced. He hadn't been expecting the dam to burst so soon and hadn't properly prepared for the flood of fury.

'What Scully?' he said meekly. He'd discovered that meek was his only real form of defense. Now Scully turned on him with eyes flashing. She looked totally beautiful and completely terrifying all at the same time.

'TITS Mulder!'

Hearing Scully say 'tits' was entirely too funny, but Mulder knew that if he laughed he was a dead man. He wracked his brain to think what she was talking about but couldn't come up with anything he felt was relevant to the case.

'What do you mean Scully?' he said, in what he hoped was a soothing tone.

It didn't soothe Scully one tiny bit.

'Jade Blue Afterglow Mulder! Jade Blue Afterglow's magnetic mammaries!'


'Her breasts Mulder! Your eyes! Separated at birth apparently!'

'You're saying I was staring at her... her...'

'Yes! at her boobs! Why are you asking me, Mulder? You're the one with the photographic memory! And you gave that particular photograph PLENTY of time to develop!'

Mulder's mind raced back to the interview. Now Scully mentioned it, Jade Blue Afterglow HAD had spectacular breasts. But Mulder didn't think he'd been anything but professional during their time with her. Had he? Miss Afterglow had thrust her tits upon him and he had been courteous enough to take a quick look, so as not to offend, really. He was only being polite.

'Aren't you overreacting Scully?'

'Overreacting?' said Scully as softly as a snake. 'Overreacting?! How would you feel if I did that to you Mulder?'

'Did what?'

'How would YOU feel if I kept staring at some guy with a ten-inch dick? What would YOU say?!'

'I'd say - why are you staring at my dick, Scully?'

It was too late to take it back. Mulder heard the words come out of his mouth with the helpless horror he could only imagine feeling while watching his firstborn ride a tricycle off a cliff.

Scully gasped and then snapped her mouth shut, her face turning red. Mulder almost apologized, then didn't. Scully had shut up so he decided to quit while he wasn't too far behind.

They drove through DC in silence. Parked in silence. Took the elevator down to the basement in silence. Mulder began to wonder whether they'd ever speak to each other again. He'd thrown a lot of innuendo Scully's way over the years they'd been together but he'd never received any more than a raised eyebrow or a twitch of the lips before. Apart from that sleeping bag thing. He still dreamed of the answer she gave to that one; still pleasured himself to the memory of it, and the fantasies he'd built on that memory. But he'd never shut her up so immediately and so completely as he had now, and he wasn't sure how to deal with what he would have to consider to be a victory, even if it didn't feel like one. His usually sharp mind couldn't think of a single way back into any conversation with Scully that wouldn't sound like he was just trying to change the subject.

Scully had a sharp mind all of her own but she hadn't even reached the point where she was struggling to think of normal conversation with Mulder. The only thing her sharp mind had been grappling with for the past hour was the size of Mulder's dick.

Ten inches.

No way!

It had just been a Mulderjoke, surely? He was expert at tossing innuendo her way - trying to prod her into a blush or a bit of banter. Sometimes she couldn't help blushing but - apart from that time in the woods when she'd taken pity on him about the sleeping bags - she never obliged him with any banter. Scully knew it was Mulder's way of trying to break down her defenses, and her refusal to play was her way of keeping those defenses firmly in place. Whether she wanted them there or not. Sometimes - often - she wished she could just surrender her battlements and let Mulder invade her, overpower her, conquer her. It was her fear of where things might go after that that kept her prickly and unapproachable. She loved Mulder, and the thought of losing him over something as trivial as sex kept her virginal where he was concerned.

But the ten-inch dick comment had blasted a hole through her castle wall and now she was scurrying around trying to decide whether to plug the gap or mount a counter-offensive and engage in open warfare. Plugging the gap was the safe method. But the ten-inch dick thing... Could she really just let it go? She'd seen Mulder's panic-face the minute he'd said it and knew he regretted it instantly. He was probably relieved that this was one innuendo she hadn't responded to. Half of her wanted to call him on it now just to make him suffer. The other half just wanted to know. Desperately.

And, as both those halves of her basically wanted the same thing, she finally said:

'I don't believe you.'

Mulder's head jerked round as he hung up his jacket.

'Wha'?' he blinked.

'I don't believe you,' she repeated calmly, folding her arms and fixing him with a cool stare.

She was rewarded by seeing a blush creep up Mulder's cheeks. She'd scored a direct hit. But it was tempered by a little pang of disappointment; the blush said his remark could well be an idle boast.

Mulder read all this on Scully's face as clear as day. For the millionth time in the past hour, he wished he'd kept his huge mouth shut. But he hadn't. Then he wished Scully had just let it go, the way she always did. ALMOST always. Of all the innuendo he'd thrown her way over the years, why the hell would she call him on THIS one? It just wasn't fair!

Hoping to stop this before it went any further, Mulder finally decided to apologize. 'Look, Scully, you're right - I did stare at her... y'know. And I apologize.'

Scully ignored the apology completely. 'Prove it,' she said.

'Prove what?' he said - although he knew exactly what she meant.

'Ten inches, Mulder,' she said, nodding at his crotch. 'Prove it.'

Mulder felt like he was falling down a hole. Scully's words were a shock to his system. She wasn't going to let it go, and when Scully decided not to let something go, she was like a terrier with rabies.

Mulder had never played poker, but he understood the principle of bluffing very well. Now he realized that Scully held the upper hand here, the unbeatable hand - 'The Nuts' he believed it was called, all too appropriately - and the only way he could win was by bluffing her clear out of the game before he had to reveal his cards.

With his heart thudding in his ears, Mulder strode across to his desk and yanked open a couple of drawers. They were full of all sorts of crap but finally he found what he was looking for and - with a defiant look at Scully - slapped it down on the corner of his desk.

'YOU prove it Scully!'

Scully looked at the tape measure and flinched inwardly.

Mulder wasn't going to let it go.

She wasn't too experienced at this banter thing; she should never have pushed him at all - and now she'd pushed him too far. She wasn't sure she could handle this going any further.

And then she saw the slightly smug look on Mulder's face that told her he thought he'd won, and - before she could stop herself - she took two paces to the desk and picked up the tape measure.

'Okay then Mulder. Let's go.'

Mulder faltered. He'd bluffed and raised outrageously and Scully had called him on it. There was nowhere left to hide and Mulder felt dizzy. Scully stood there with the old yellow tape measure, and looked pointedly at his pants. Mulder felt a jolt of arousal go through him and could have kicked himself - in said nuts. The only way out of this debacle was if he didn't get a hard-on. If there was nothing to measure, Scully could hardly claim he'd been lying. That was his thinking on the matter. But Mulder's intellect had nothing whatsoever to do with Mulder's libido and - right now - his libido was whooping it up at the thought of Scully getting her hands anywhere near his dick, while his intellect had been gagged and tied to a chair.

Mulder swallowed hard and tried to will his cock into submission. It was no good. Scully was basically offering to touch him. There. She was offering - nay, DEMANDING - that he open his pants and allow her to measure his erection. This was not a scenario he'd ever imagined between him and Scully, but now that it had come to pass, he was astonished that he'd never thought of it before, because it was so hot that his eager penis was way ahead of him and had already identified it as being worthy of one of the most straining, throbbing hard-ons he'd ever experienced. One stupid, throwaway boast, and here they were - about to cross a line they'd been carefully dodging for six years. Mulder groaned out loud, then blushed and looked away from the tape measure to Scully's face. She wasn't laughing at him; her own face was aflame, her lips parted, her eyes fixed on his bulging crotch.

Mulder could still have conceded defeat. He knew that. He knew Scully couldn't FORCE him to take out his dick and let her measure it. But he also knew that if he didn't do just that, he'd never be able to look Scully in the eye again. He'd never be able to cast a convincing innuendo her way again and he'd CERTAINLY never stand a chance of moving their relationship to a more personal level. His sexual credibility would be shot. All this flashed through his mind in a second, and made a seemingly impossible decision easy to make. There was only one option that could let him save face. He had to kick off with complete confidence and hope that his apparent willingness to go all the way would make Scully call a halt to proceedings. After all, Mulder was bright enough to know that Scully had WAY more common sense than he'd ever have. If anyone was going to stop this nightmare, it would be her.

'Okay then Scully,' he said tightly. 'You asked for it.'

Slowly he undid his belt.

Scully didn't stop him.

Even more slowly he unbuttoned his pants.

Scully still didn't stop him.

Mulder looked at her and caught her licking her lips as if nervous.

Or hungry.

That thought sent a new shiver of excitement through his balls and up his shaft and he bit his lip to keep from grunting in lust.

Scully suddenly went over and locked the office door.

'That's against safety regulations Scully.'

'Quit stalling Mulder.' Scully was now convinced that Mulder had been lying through his teeth - and the anticipation of disappointment she felt was now making her cross and impatient with him. She was going to make him go through with this now if it was the death of her. Or him, preferably.

Mulder quit stalling and lowered his zipper at the pace of a very old, arthritic snail, watching Scully the whole time - waiting for her face to give him a sign that he should stop; that she'd chickened out; that he'd won the game. Instead he saw her eyes widen at something in the general direction of his groin and looked down in sudden panic. He was relieved to see nothing was wrong - his cock had escaped from his boxers, that was all, and was trying to clamber past his navel. Mulder flushed at the feeling of Scully's gaze on his dick and - feeling a little stupid - managed to prise it back down and out of the fly of his boxers. Then he wasn't sure what to do with it. He was standing there with his pants open and his erection straining, while Scully stood five feet away, staring at it as if mesmerized, the tape measure clutched now in a fist that was so tight that her knuckles were white.



Scully barely heard Mulder. All her senses seemed to have been dulled by the sight of Mulder's cock except whatever sense it was that had lit the shameful fire between her legs.

Huge, she thought stupidly. Huge. Hard. Thick. Stiff. She couldn't make it to syllable two of any thought, but one syllable seemed to have everything covered for now. She'd thought his ten-inch claim had been ludicrous; she really couldn't let him get away with it. But now? Now... this. Was it ten inches? She couldn't tell. She had no personal experience of huge dicks and had only ever guessed at the sizes of the average ones she'd actually seen erect with her own eyes. But Mulder's cock wasn't only much longer than those, it was thick too, which made judging its length a lot harder. Whatever. The sight had taken her breath from her lungs and her speech from her throat. All she could think was of how it would feel having something that big push its way into her. Would it be glorious? Or brutal? She wanted so badly to find out for herself that she felt her slickness overflow from her hot lips and trickle into her panties.

Suddenly painfully embarrassed under Scully's unwavering gaze, Mulder grabbed his cock and started to try and corral it back inside his shorts: 'Er, Scully? Shall I just, um... Maybe I should just...' .

'No Mulder!' Scully met his eyes and he saw her pupils were dilated. 'I haven't measured it yet.' She walked over to him and he whimpered, then bit his lip to shut himself up. Again he felt stupid; again he thought she'd laugh at him; again she didn't.

Scully cleared her throat and shook out the tape measure, then checked which side she should use.

'Get it right, Scully,' he said, low and gravelly. 'Don't go all metric on me.'

Scully reached out with a shaking hand and took hold of Mulder's cock. He yelped and doubled over and she pulled back, scared she'd hurt him. He grabbed himself round the base, his eyes squeezed shut and his teeth gritted as if in pain.

'Sorry Mulder! What did I do?'

Mulder shook his head silently, whimpering, panting, willing himself not to come, squeezing, squeezing, squeezing, trying to force that dizzying rush of fluids back down into his balls. Finally he opened his eyes to see Scully's worried frown.

'Did I hurt you?' she said, mortified.

He shook his head, blushing for what felt like the hundredth time today. 'No Scully. I just...' He couldn't say it. She'd understand; she was a doctor after all. 'Sorry,' he added.

Scully nodded and avoided his eyes. Mulder had nearly come in her hand. Just from that one touch. The burning in her sex became more than that - it became a maddening, itching throb, a swollen heartbeat between her legs.

'You hold it for me Mulder,' she whispered hoarsely. He nodded, his breath rasping in his chest, and pushed his cock down so that it was at right angles to the floor - pointed right at Scully. Trying not to touch him, she placed the end of the tape against the springy brown hair at the base of his cock with a trembling hand and held it there with the index finger of her left hand. Then, trying to maintain decorum in this ridiculous situation, she stretched the tape out along the length of his dick. As she did, she noticed the pulse that made it throb in time to her own sex, and - as she let the tape settle across the head of his cock - the pearly drop of pre-cum that clung to the entrance of his little slit. She was a doctor, but she almost couldn't speak.

'Nine inches,' she croaked.

Mulder whined through his clenched teeth and nodded 'yes' like it didn't matter one way or the other.

She dropped the tape measure, leaned into him and hissed against his neck: 'You dirty little liar Mulder.'

Then she closed her hand around him and squeezed.


He was like a bomb going off in her hand. Scully felt his cock ripple as the cum exploded up and out of him in spurts, his hips jerking and thrusting at her in uncontrollable excitement.

'Oh god Scully. Oh god...'

She put her other hand on his ass, feeling his whole body clenching and juddering as his climax ripped through him. Then - as he started to come down - he put his hands, then his head, on her shoulder for support, his knees almost giving way, his breath coming out of him in a series of jagged little groans. She put her lips to his throat and shivered again at the feel of his hot, silky shaft slipping easily through her fingers, then relaxed her grip a little as she knew his cock would be getting super-sensitive. As if they did this all the time, she thought with an inner giggle - as if Mulder was always jerking off into her hand here in the basement office; always coming up her arm. Up her arm and across her chest.

Scully looked down at the white splashes on her clothes and panicked. What the HELL were they doing??! Had they completely lost their MINDS?!

He felt her tense up and start to release him, and quickly covered her hand with his own, keeping it on his cock.

'Hold me Scully.' His voice was so low and rough it made her groan. Any thought of letting go of his cock and running for cover left her in an instant.

Still thrusting lazily into her palm, Mulder ran his hand up under her skirt and down into her drenched panties in one smooth movement. She felt his long middle finger slide between her lips and moaned and spread her legs for him, and he slipped it inside her. There was no decision; no embarrassment; only desperate need - his to give and hers to receive. She started to fuck his finger, pushing, humping, grinding into his steady hand, pressing her clit against his perfectly-positioned thumb, her breath squeezed out of her in increasingly-desperate little whimpers.

'Scully,' he whispered, as he pushed her down on the desk, then dropped to his knees in front of her, replacing his fingers with his mouth and eating her so furiously that she came screaming onto his face, thrashing and thumping the desk. Before she'd even stopped coming he stood and entered her in a single violent thrust that answered every question she'd had. It was glorious AND it was brutal, and the pleasure, pain and shock started a new climax before the old one had even finished, as he began to pump relentlessly - heedless of her comfort - driving towards his goal, his iron grip holding her hips in place to give him maximum resistance; maximum friction, until he came - straining himself deeper and deeper into her with every shuddering pulse, as if having only his cock inside her was just not enough for him.

After a few moments where they just kissed and whimpered and panted in each other's arms, Mulder slid out of her and dropped to his knees again. He draped her legs over his shoulders, pulled her forward, and started gently to lick her clean.

'I've dreamed of licking my cum out of you Scully,' he said softly, and her hips jerked in shock at his words, while her heart tightened at their tenderness.

'I've dreamed of you too Mulder,' she panted. Then she propped herself up on her elbows and gave a loud mock-sigh: 'But it was always with ten inches.'

He laughed against her clit, making her shiver, and mumbled 'sorry Scully' .

For a moment he continued to stroke her with the flat of his rough tongue - then he raised his head and gave her the smallest of smiles.

'Made you look though. Right?'