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Timeo Trilles Et Dona Ferentes

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Julian blamed Jadzia. It was all her fault. He'd given Meditations on a Crimson Shadow a chance, he really did; after all, it had been Garak's gift.

But he'd found it predictable and bland and went to complain to Jadzia about how uninspired Cardassian literature was, and how great it would be if he just found something diverting, if for no other reason, then to prove to himself that not all of Cardassian culture was boring as hell.

In hindsight, he should have been suspicious at the devilish glint in her eyes as she gave him a data rod as a belated birthday gift.

He should also have been alarmed when the tag read: Watch me!

This reminded him too uncomfortably of Alice in Wonderland.

And when he'd asked her what it was and her only reply was a wink and a mischievous "Something diverting!" He really should have known better.

But he'd been curious, and expected, perhaps, some Cardassian documentary, or a book of poetry by some exiled author... Perhaps that Iloja fellow Jadzia seemed to like.

What greeted him was definitely NOT poetry, and neither was it a documentary.

If he were forced to... Classify this... Thing, he would probably call it... Uh...

Adult entertainment?

There was no way around it. It was porn. Jadzia thought it really funny to give him Cardassian porn to watch.

And not just any kind, no, she probably got a kick out of humiliating shit like this.

It was GAY porn.

If only that was where the controversy ended...

But no, that was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg of mortification.

The next was the age of the... Participants? Actors?

The Cardassian... Lead? Main role? Uh, whatever, was a man in his late forties or early fifties, playing the part of a Gul who was tasked with, er... interrogating the prisoners.

His two cronies were snickering and throwing around vastly inappropriate comments which he assumed would be grounds for a court-martial, or more likely, execution on the spot on actual Cardassia. Then again, porn wasn't exactly known for its scintillating historical accuracy.

But by far the worst thing was the prisoner they brought in.

Not only was the man at least twenty years younger than what was sure to be his... (partner?) in this travesty, but he was also startlingly NOT Cardassian, which was shocking for several reasons.

First of all, didn't Cardassians abhor aliens? Supposedly. But then again, plenty of them seemed to like Bajoran women just fine, so there was clearly a lot of hypocrisy going on there.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, the younger man was or at least appeared to be, human. Blonde hair, blue eyes, porcelain skin... The "Gul" was practically salivating just looking at his... Prey? Victim? It wasn’t framed as such, but that was what they were aiming for, whoever it was that produced this… thing. It was clearly meant to titillate, rather than spark controversy over racial policy or prisoner treatment.

Julian wanted to look away or yank the data rod out before he saw something which would make him want to gauge his eyes out, but the sight was pulling at him almost like a spectacular shipwreck you couldn't peel your eyes away from.

A small voice in the back of his head reminded him, entirely unhelpfully in his opinion, that he'd never had a chance to see a Cardassian unclothed. After all, the only specimen available was hardly cooperative in that regard. It was kind of ironic that he’d seen the inside of Garak’s skull, but not his bared skin.

Oh God, what would Garak say to this awful thing? He'd probably find a thousand inconsistencies within the first ten seconds and laugh at him for wasting his time on such drivel.

Which it was, judging by the quality (or lack thereof) in the acting department.

The story, if one was generous enough to call it that, was likewise absurd. A human prisoner of war, being interrogated for Terran secrets (not Federation, interestingly enough), brought forth wearing civilian clothing; getting stripped right then and there by the Gul's henchmen.

It was implied the man actually knew next to nothing and that the whole purpose of this elaborate ruse was to satisfy the Gul’s proclivity for exotic younger men.

Halfway through the pointless questioning, the Gul turned half-angry and half-sultry, whispering harshly in the man's ear as he kept touching him inappropriately.

Perplexingly enough, Julian was forced to amend his opinion on the acting, because now it seemed both of the men were enjoying this just a little too much (which was likely the point).

There was something about the deep voice and the possessive hands that quickened Julian's breath.

For some reason, his brain jumped to Garak and now he could almost hear his voice instead, dubbed over the Gul's, whispering filthy and vaguely accusatory things in his shivering young lover's ears.

The other man's moans weren't helping matters any either, as they sounded entirely too willing and lustful.

Julian gripped the edge of his seat to stop himself from doing something... Unfortunate.

Yet things were only heating up. It didn't take long at all for the prisoner to lose all his remaining dignity, because he was soon outright begging for the interrogation to end, promising to do whatever was asked of him in return.

Even Julian, with his limited knowledge of Cardassian culture or interrogation techniques in general, knew that caving in like that was a terrible idea.

Now the Gul essentially had him right where he wanted him.

Did they teach their operatives to be proficient in such... Mind games? It was kind of frightening.

Also... It was horribly effective because his pulse was elevated, his pupils were dilated, and he had to conclude he was achingly and hopelessly... Aroused.

By Cardassian gay porn.

What if it wasn’t even Cardassian?

It could be human.

Or it could have been commissioned, no, crafted in a holosuite. Made as a joke.

If Jadzia had made this on some whim, Julian swore, he would prank her so terribly she would regret it. He would learn to hack into her replicator so anything she tried to order would materialize as some bizarre alien dildo. Raktajino? Klingon! Hell, make it race-specific. If she ever ordered a Cardassian dish, she’d get a replica of this Gul’s… equipment.

Curse that Trill!

Because now, he was too invested to stop watching.

How did it work, mechanics-wise? He knew nothing about Cardassian reproductive system.

Oh dear.

The human was undulating and grinding against the Gul now. Logically, the sight was ridiculous. Anyone in their right mind would call this over-acted. Absurd!


It was entirely too lascivious and the desire in those movements bled though.

Julian believed it.

And wasn’t that a scary thought?

He actually bought into this contrived, silly little plot, for no other reason than the way the Cardassian’s eyes glimmered, and the way the human bared his throat, welcoming the bites.

Did Cardassians really like having their neck ridges treated that way?

Heat was pulsing through his veins at the sight.

Was this… dominating behavior typical in their relationships?

Garak’s words from two weeks ago came to mind,

“I wasn't aware that humans saw growing old as a negative experience. On Cardassia, advanced age is seen as a sign of power and dignity.”

Julian had taken that literally. Presumably, this meant a healthy respect towards their elders, or something.

What if…

What if there was a different connotation to it, though? Perhaps…

Perhaps it meant Cardassians found older, more experienced partners preferable? More…


Julian flushed at the console, his breathing slightly ragged.


It wouldn’t be strange that such a dynamic existed; after all, it was hardly unheard of on Earth – just look at the ancient Greeks!

Oh God… That train of thought was intrusive as hell.

He could almost see ancient pottery with depictions of such couples…


Except one of them had ridges drawn on his face.


Now he was actually scared of seeing the Cardassian naked.

Didn’t such… videos usually feature some grotesquely disproportioned individuals? Whatever the size of this Gul’s… equipment, Julian knew not to take it as indicative of anything true to life.

Perhaps, as the Greeks, they preferred them on the smaller side?

The thought was utterly humiliating.

And when the Cardassian mentioned he’d heard of a deviant human practice called fellatio, Julian thought he’d spontaneously combust.

Who wrote these things?!

Still, his traitorous body was reacting to it; his heart rate was up, his breathing shallow and quick.


Oh wow.

They had a…

That was interesting. Medically speaking, of course.

The Gul was guiding his entirely too willing and breathless young lover’s head downwards, whispering suggestively:

“Open your pretty little mouth for me,” To which the blonde moaned and complied, closing his eyes in anticipation, which Julian thought was both suicidal and unrealistic. The Gul murmured deviously, “Yes, just like that, my sweet.”

Julian clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle his gasp of surprise.

So that’s how it worked!



Even down there.

Natural lubricant.


Julian groaned into his palm.

His right hand was twitching.

I shouldn’t.

But he wanted to.

The Cardassian tossed his head back and hissed in pleasure.

Is that… what they did? When they were aroused?

The Gul’s face was contorted in bliss.

The wet sounds were obscene.

So was the younger man’s evident enthusiasm at being given the opportunity to lave his older partner with his…err… undivided attention.

Julian bit his lip in an effort not to make a sound.

If anyone called him now, he would rather die than answer.

Being in the lavatory was still an acceptable excuse for rejecting a call, so he comforted himself with that.

And when the Gul twined his fingers through the blonde locks to pull his lover away, Julian swore the resulting whimper from the human was one of loss, rather than pain at being mishandled.

“I am told your kind appreciates the taste.” The Gul chuckled, looking down at his captive who looked almost delirious with desire.

“And I appreciate the feel of such… delicate… skin. So frail and easily broken…”

He pulled the younger man back to his feet and then turned him around, bending his spine forward so he was nearly face-down on the desk.

“Let’s see what kind of confessions I can get out of you using this method, shall we?”

A needy whimper was followed by an ecstatic cry.

Julian’s skin was on fire.

This was terrible.

Why had he opted to remove his uniform and change into civilian attire earlier in the afternoon?

He shouldn’t have.

That would have made what he was currently doing rather impossible.

But his civvies were loose-fitting and comfortable, damn them.

It was absurdly easy to slip his fingers under the waistband and take himself in hand.

What would it feel like, to be breached by a Cardassian, to have those slick ridges filling and stretching you?

Judging by what he saw, it probably felt absolutely divine, if those pleas and moans were to be believed.

And the crooning, damn it, the constant stream of little inappropriate questions, it was driving him insane.

The Gul had a positively wicked and triumphant look, which was terrible because Julian had seen similar looks from Garak and now he couldn’t unsee it.

What would it be like, to be talked like that to, during the act?

He’d never tried it on any of his lovers before, because it seemed disrespectful and derogatory.

Julian simply couldn’t imagine saying things like these to anyone.

But… oh… He could perfectly imagine Garak saying them.

Was this an actual technique, used by the Order? It sounded ridiculous, but…

Did Garak have practice in this sort of thing?

And why the hell was that thought so bloody arousing?

Now, when he looked at the screen, he could pretend the Gul was Garak, conducting an efficient interrogation.

And the image of Garak fucking someone random was disturbing, so Julian imagined a darker skin tone, darker hair…

That image was entirely too much because in the next moment, his movements turned erratic and he came with a muffled grunt.




In that moment, Julian realized he was well and truly-