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Real Boy

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It began almost accidentally – well, maybe not accidentally. And Spike maintained that it wasn't possible for Percy to inadvertently end up with his ass pierced quite dramatically by Angel's dick. Of course, that earned him a slap around the back of the head and a night with his cock caged quite painfully whilst he watched Angel make Wesley scream in the most delicious ways. So yeah, having Percy take a spot alongside Spike as an additional outlet for Angel's out of control sexual urges may not have been premeditated but it was fortuitous.

To be frank, Spike ending up as Angel's resident squeeze was an accidental byproduct. It began when he returned from the Sunnyhell pit as a ghost. It was alright to start with until that damned Matthias Pavayne tried to feed Spike to the devil. Fred had been working almost non-stop at finding a way to make Spike corporeal again (in between nailing Charlie's arse to the wall with the biggest strap-on Spike had ever seen and even being invisible hadn't enough to stop him being embarrassed at walking in on that particular episode). But she wasn't having much in the way of success. The calculations looked like completely gobbledegook to him, and Angel had merely cocked his head sideways in a manner that made him look even more like a confused Labrador and told Fred to keep trying. But the times between Spike being dragged into darkness were getting shorter and shorter, and it was really beginning to look like he would be permanently heading to a hell dimension when Fred had requested a meeting, her explanation sending them into a stunned silence.


“The, er, reason the department didn't consider it before was because they didn't think there was any way humanly possible for the main spell component to be achieved. Not and maintain the, um, potency of the main ingredient anyway. It all seemed like a bit of a riddle without a answer until we kinda sussed out what it was talking about.”

“And the main ingredient?”

“dedsrm.”

“Excuse me?” Wesley looked up from where he was making notes, his eyebrow raised enquiringly.

“The er – well, the main spell component is actually dead sperm. But it needs to be fresh dead sperm.”

“Er …....”

“Whoa, talk about TMI!”

“Prodigious amounts of dead sperm actually. And there is one other issue.” Fred seemed to be making the transition from embarrassed to enjoying the effects her words were having amazingly quickly. Wesley strangely, smelt more strongly of arousal than embarrassment although Spike put that down to Wesley's underlying crush on the big lug sat down the end of the conference table, not saying a word. To Spike's surprise, Angel did not storm from the room in a high dudgeon, proclaiming the whole thing to be beneath his dignity and attention. No, he sat there, elbows resting comfortably on the table, fingers steepled.

“And what do they do with this 'prodigious' amount of fresh dead sperm?”

“An' what's the other issue? Cos I might be able to produce the first but not sure what good it's gonna be since I'm all ghost-like.”

“Oh, sorry, I guess I wasn't very clear. It needs to be corporeal dead fresh sperm. An', well y'all aren't gonna like this bit - “

“Cos' it's been so much fun so far!”

“But the spell needs to be completed with a witness present. Actually not so much present as an involved party.”

“You what?!” Obviously Charlie boy knew a bit more about what Fred was talking about than he had let on as he suddenly announced he had to attend some big brained lawyer's meeting to stop some daft apocalypse, leaving behind only Spike, Fred, Angel and Wesley. Spike was aware that his mouth was still hanging open from his unplanned exclamation.

“Well it's an extremely old grimoire, and basically in order to make Spike corporeal again, it's all about bringing life from death – hence the undead sperm bit – and the involved witness is to be a bridge between the er, donor and the recipient. And perversely enough, it can't be a woman – that bit took us all by surprise let me tell you, although I was also kinda surprised the number of staff members who wanted to be considered to be the conduit – that dark broody thing you got going on works wonders boss.” This was said with a cheeky grin in Angel's direction, but Spike was still deciphering the Texan accent and figuring out just what Fred was actually saying. He didn't think Angel had sussed it out cos he had a smile on his face and Spike figured this wasn't something the old poof would be smiling about.

“So I need to, what, produce huge amounts of the main ingredient with a willing witness stroke conduit and what, we bottle it for a spell?” Okay, so he was wrong. The poof was well aware of what was being asked for. And still not heading for the door. And neither was Wesley who was scribbling notes ferociously.

“I gotta tell y'all, when I saw the images the department managed to pull together, it looked like some sorta vampire bukkake party!!” After witnessing Fred in action with Charlie, Spike wasn't as surprised as he might once have been that she knew what a bukkake party was. However, he was surprised to see Angel nodding, and Wesley merely continuing to make notes – perhaps he had entered some bizarre twilight zone on his way to hell?

“But the primary premise of the Japanese bukkake videos was that the female involved did not achieve orgasm. Am I to understand that this isn't a prerequisite in this particularly spell? Otherwise I cannot quite see the advantage for the volunteer.” Wesley sounded like he was referring to a dry textbook.

“There is no veto on any of the participants reaching orgasm. The only thing is that the fresh dead sperm must cover the being that is being transmuted.”

“How does that work? I mean, if I could have stuff landing on me, I wouldn't need the spell -simple ain't it?”

“Well during the course of the spell, you slowly become corporeal – at the start the ingredient merely needs to be aimed where your non-corporeal being is. As time goes by, you would start to become corporeal and it would be um, landing on you.”

“So, what you're saying is I have to witness the poof here having a bleeding mass orgy with one of his minions and each time he cums, he gets to aim it all at me? I ain't doing it – you must be out of your friggin' mind!” Leaping to his feet, Spike paced up and down the conference room, completely unable to believe that Fred had come up with this whole thing in the first place and that Angel wasn't slapping her down.

“Hold on, hold on, Spike.” Freakin' unbelievable that the objection was coming from Angel. Parallel universe, definitely. “Is there anything else you have come up with?” Angel sounded all cool, calm and reasonable, his fingers still steepled in front of him, gently tapping at his chin as he spoke to Fred.

“I'm sorry Spike. We have tried everything but there was a huge energy spike which my lab tracked down to Pavayne and we have reached the end of our research. This really is the only option. I spoken to Willow Rosenberg down in Cleveland - “

“You spoke to Willow about this?! Fuck me, I woulda thought she'da gone to red in the face she wouldn't be able to speak!”

“Actually she was incredibly helpful, explained a lot of things to me that sped up the whole process.” Spike found himself wondering just how much of a help Willow would have been – there was a lot she still hadn't forgiven him for about Sunnydale and he wouldn't put it past her to screw him over. Especially after she caught him and Xander right before the whole thing with the First.....

“How do we ensure that there is enough – er - “ And for this to be the first time that Angel was even vaguely embarrassed was actually of great concern to Spike. Were they sure Angel had his soul on tight?? Because this complete lack of reaction to all this sexual talk was more the type of thing that Angelus would be happy with rather than the tight-arse that was Angel.

“Oh well, there's another spell that we need to perform to optimise production. Although, me and Knox were a little concerned about a side-effect that - “

“Excellent work Fred, I'm very pleased. Let me have the details of the spell and when's the best time to do it. I'll make the arrangements for the conduit. I just need to speak to Spike about – where did Spike go?!”


Fading back in from another close call with the darkness, Spike found himself alone in the conference room with obviously a few hours having passed. He wandered around the table, watching as his hand slid through chairs and paperwork, a concentrated effort making it possible for him to sit on Angel's chair and read through the rough notes the poof had left there. His scarred eyebrow rose as he read what Angel had written, surprised pleasure colouring his cheeks. Angel considered this the best chance to make Spike corporeal again and had actually made notes as Fred had been talking. The weirdest notation? The scrawl of Wesley's name next to conduit with a smiley face after it. Well, well, it looked like Percy was gonna get up close and personal with his crush sooner rather than later. And Spike was gonna be taking part in his first ever vampire bukkake party. Oh great!

He tried to ignore the fear that was growing – Pavayne was getting stronger or at least it felt like he was – and sneered in his head. Angelus had always had a thing for simpering twits who fawned all over him – that was why he had spent so much time whipping and beating the shit out of Spike. It wasn't in Spike to simper, just wasn't him. So to all intents and purposes, Angelus had only had his arse the once – the rest of the time, he had been trying to beat the Spike out of the rebellious fledge. And now here he was, in the position where he wouldn't have any choice but to voluntarily put himself in Angel's hands, in need of rescue. The great poof wouldn't let him forget about this in a hurry. Still, at least he got to watch Percy get rogered to within an inch of his life – it would be the closest Spike had come to sex and intimacy in far too long.

With a dramatic sweep of his coat, he floated in the direction of Angel's apartment.


“It's been hours!! This happens this evening. Cast it Wesley, now. I want as soon as Spike phases back that we're ready to go”. No one argued with Angel's announcement, the worry they were all feeling at Spike's continued disappearance enough to get them all scurrying into action by the time he had finished speaking. It took less than ten minutes for Wesley to meet Angel in his apartment in the upper levels of the building, knocking timidly on the door.

“Come on in Wesley.” Letting himself in, Wesley made his way into the apartment, holding the flacon containing the initial part of the spell in his hand. “I'm through here.” Walking timidly towards the bedroom area, Wesley came to a halt as he saw Angel heading towards him, a navy bath sheet wrapped around his hips and a smaller towel in his hand, rubbing through his hair. He swallowed and swallowed again, momentarily unable to breathe as his eyes wandered down the length of Angel's body. There were numerous scars and marks of battle healing before his eyes, smoothing over until Angel was once again like a statute. For some reason, Angel never looked as pale as Spike, the years of living in the darkness merely giving his skin an unearthly tone. Wesley watched a few droplets of water fall from Angel's hair to his shoulder, trickling down past his clavicle and beginning a meandering journey through solid looking pectorals, down towards the faint form of a six pack. Turned when he was, Angel wasn't toned gym bunny – no, he had the strength of a working man, a solid body that could hold a person down and make them do what he wanted from sheer strength and bulk. Long fingered big hands that seemed more at home holding a weapon than drawing a masterpiece, although Wesley had seen enough of Angel's art to know how capable an artist he was. If Angel was holding you down, you would feel it and Wesley was pretty sure that had been the case before he was ever turned into a vampire. “Do I just drink it? Wesley?”

“Huh?!” Blushing a deep red, Wesley thrust the flacon at Angel, stumbling back as he tried to pretend he hadn't been staring at Angel's body and basically fantasising. It was excruciating how much he wanted the vampire – all the more because he knew how much Angel fought against his dark side each and ever day. It wasn't that Wesley had fallen for the tortured soul as that he admired the strength that it took to listen to the right thing. Soul or not, Angel could have quite easily returned to Angelus. Instead, he expended all of his energy on fighting to keep the world safe. How could Wesley fail to fall for such a heroic endeavour? Especially in a body that he just knew would be a master at wringing pleasure from a partner – over two hundred years would have taught him untold delights that -

“Wesley are you alright?? If you don't think you can do this, if it's making you uncomfortable - “

“NOO! No, it's fine. It's fine. I er – I said I would and I will stick to my word. Spike is a necessary part of our fight against evil and I would be failing my calling if I didn't do whatever it takes to bring him back into the fight. You um, you just drink that and we wait for the results. I'm not quite sure how quickly they will take effect – in fact, Fred wasn't sure quite how this would effect you although she did mention an increase in er, not just production of – well, um, a growth in – actually, she said that it wouldn't just – Oh!” He watched as midway through his stuttering speech, Angel tilted back his head and drained the flacon in several gulps, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth before placing the small bottle on the window sill.

“I would imagine the bedroom would be the best place for this. That's where Spike will head if he's got any brains and better for you to be comfortable if this the first time you've done anything like this?” The tone of voice was half questioning, and Wesley flushed again.

“Er – yes, first time. Well, I've done a few things, nothing beyond heavy petting really. And I wasn't sure whether – well, how far we'd be going in terms of – rather, I didn't know whether penetration would be um - “

“Wesley, we don't have to do anything you don't want to do”.

“Right. Right, well, yes. All right. Could I perhaps have a quick shower?” Maybe then he would stop sweating so profusely and could finish a sentence without stuttering.

“Of course. I've taken the liberty of providing some equipment you might need – it's all pretty self explanatory but nevertheless there are instructions.”

“Equipment?”

“Yes. Vampires won't have need of it but humans do. It will make things more comfortable for you if you're not worried about that side of things.” Wesley's mind had gone completely blank until he realised what Angel was inferring – vampires wouldn't have need of equipment to clean themselves out whereas humans -

“Yes, fine, thank you!” Well aware that this was the reddest he had gone yet, Wesley scurried off in the direction of the bathroom and tried to remind himself that he wanted this. A quick peek backwards and he watched as Angel pulled the towel from his waist and began drying off his back, arse and legs. Oh God yes, he most definitely wanted this.