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Rose's Spandex Midlife Post-Menopausal Crisis

Chapter Text

As John was blasted into the statue of the late, great Michael J. Fox, he began to ponder an awful lot of things. The first of which dealt with how it was going to hurt like hell when he hit the ground, the second dealt with why Rose of all people would be pulling the whole Tim Burton Batman villain thing, and the final thought was something about cats. Rose totally could have gone with some mystical Catwoman analog instead of what looked like the bastard daughter of Dr. Strange and Ultraman in pink. 

With a loud crash, John slammed into Michael J. Fox's smooth mandible and slid down to his square shoulders. He rubbed his back and watched Rose as she flew in front of him. She drew her needles and they began to crackle with energy once again. A laugh escaped her lips, and she let out some garbled sentence about defeating Heirman once and for all. John's ears were ringing badly and the entirety of his gray matter felt scrambled and stirred after that last hit.

"So I guess I die..." he paused. To him, he thought he was just thinking these words internally because he couldn't hear them escaping his mouth due to the horrible ringing, but in reality he was saying everything loud and clear. "The fat lady is singing."

Rose had been delivering a hell of a monologue as John had been talking to himself which compared his impending death to the sun finally setting as the blood moon rose in the blackest of nights, but she stopped mid-sentence upon hearing the last part of her foe's murmurings. The wands lost their spark for just a moment and Rose bit into her lip. Did he just...go there?

John rubbed the side of his head and closed his eyes. "Yep this is it. The big finale."

The villain clenched her fists and closed her eyes. "H-how dare you! Insolent worm! Your childish insults hold no power over me!" She summed the wands again and pointed them menacingly at Heirman who was still reeling from the blow. The ringing was subsiding, but he still couldn't hear anything past a murmur from his arch nemesis.  "Do not ignore me, Heirman! Mere moments ago you were quaking in your stockings at the horror that I was unleashing! Have you given up! Should I spare you just so you can crawl away!"

By this point in time, John was back in the game and totally oblivious of the exchange that he had unwittingly been apart of. "Oh...erm....fat chance! Like I'm going to give in to you! I'll fix you Rose, you've obviously mind controlled or crazy! We can work it out! Just stop fighting!"

Now he was just rubbing it in. Work out? Fat chance?

"Listen John, I will have you know that while I could have gone out a bit more, my physical appearance warrants no such defamation!" Rose spat. She looked at herself in Michael J. Fox's bronze surface and posed. Nope. Everything was normal. Everything was ok. "For a woman my age, I am in the appropriate body mass index! I'm no Feferi Peixes."

"See look! You're being crazy right now! I'm not making fun of how you look! I'm just saying that you have a huge case of the crazies!"

Rose let out a gasp and blew off the statue's hulking right arm in a fit. "A huge case of the crazies? Your subtlety is only matched by your stupidity! John Egbert, you are an utter monster and are so socially inept that I regret committing those crimes, putting on this stupid uniform, and trying to win you over after that horrible day." She descended down to the ground and crossed her arms.

John, being the graceful swan he was, fell off the statue's shoulders, and scrambled back to his feet. "Wait, did all of this and you did it to make up for something?" Perhaps it was just the concussion, but this shit was crazy. "Ok so I get you put on silly spandex. I get you wanted to fight me. I don't get the thefts and the violence though. And what horrible day are you even talking about?" John yelled.

"Do not attempt to shield that accursed day from your memory, John!" Rose said throwing a hand to her head like one of the melodramatic actresses on public access. "The day. They day with the cats....nearly two decades ago!"

Nothing clicked in John's head.

"For fuck's sake John, do you remember when Jade egged you to call me and I freaked you out because Strider was giving me 'pointers' on how to not scare you off. The cats John. I made you talk to my cats on the phone! I purred!"


"Sorry Rose, I don't remember that. All I remember is talking to you for like five years, then you just kinda disappeared for twenty more even though you lived across the street."

He was repressing it. She knew how to fix this though. She just needed to use a trigger word and the memories would come flooding back. "I used the phrase cat mamacita."

John's eyes opened wide and he started to shake. "No! NO! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I was going to call you back but I thought I freaked you out and! No! No! Stop! No! John pick up the phone again! Oh no! No! John! No! Come on!" He gripped his chest and relived every moment of that fateful call. "Rose I'm sorry! I still really did like you, I just got too nervous to call you back so I kinda...avoided you for a while! I was going to send you some really nice flowers and letters but I kept nearly peeing my pants when I walked to your house and I'm sorry and I thought if I was a macho Block Captain I could totally woo you and like me and Vriska had a plan for me to like become a secret author and challenge you online then we would meet up and surprise and..." He was rambling.

"Yes yes! I know! I know! I should have done more myself! You see I was going to march up to your door and apologize but I immersed myself in my stupid writings and was very nervous and felt ashamed of myself and I'm sorry! Yes! So sorry! And I Kanaya and I thought of this stupid plan so I could play to your childish-yet still very cute if I am allowed to say- fascination with comic book concepts of heroes and villains and everyone was in on it and allowed me to 'pilfer' this-and-that. I was a masterwork and I'm sorry it came to this and..." she stopped herself.

There was a long silence.

"Oh my god wow we are like the biggest man-children on Earth. What is this, like sixth grade?" John said. "Gosh. We're kind of really pathetic."

"My stars yes. I apologize for roughing you up a bit."

"No problem. I mean I fought worse."

Another pause.

"So I've never like done this before. How do we go about it."

Rose pulled out a note. "I used Yahoo Answers. The advice was from a girl whose credentials included "most bfs in my middle school" so I felt this would suffice." She handed him a pen and a note.

want 2 go out check one

[ ] yes   [ ] no  [ ] maybe

As John checked yes, Dave ran up pretending to fight his way through the cats. John's father who had been 'tied up' stopped him and pointed.

"Awwww, look at that little ceremony. Those must be the two happiest pieces of walking birth control ever." Dave nodded to himself. "Wait hold on a second I thought John was kicking that chunk in the spandex's ass!"

Bro strode up moments later. "Had to have two aloof retards for this to work. You just kinda helped fan this sick fire of a nerd will-you-ask-me-out thing. I didn't know you would try to cut in on his fight though. Had to hold you back. Plus I wanted to kick your ass 'cause it's a Friday night. Remember family game night, bro?"

"Wait a fuckin sec. This was some kinda plan and I played co-derp to the big boss himself?" He smiled wryly. "P fuckin slick. But why me?"

John's father laughed and put an arm around the boy. "Simple David, you, ah, what's the word...I'm trying not to be" He rubbed his chin. "You fucked it up last time, my boy! Couldn't have you doing it this time!"

They all laughed. Mr. Egbert said fuck. Hilarious.

Dave and Bro headed back in the rain with the mob of cats following them. Mr. Egbert had his car waiting on the far side of the park for John and Rose. The two sat in the back seat and giggled like foolish thirteen year olds instead of grown adults. It was long overdue for the both of them.

"Now I don't want any funny business!" John's father called out. "No cooties in my car, you crazy kids!" He was enjoying the regression almost as much as they were. He had longed to say something like that.

"Aw come on, pops!" John said. "We're grown up enough to know cooties only come from kisses!"

Rose and John's dad laughed.

John didn't.

The two of them laughed at John for not laughing.

Cooties were still real to him. Best not ruin the illusion.


The car soon pulled onto the street adjacent to Gumtree Lane.

"Hmm. This is certainly very odd." The old man said applying the breaks. "Awful lot of light coming from the street for this time of the night."

As they turned on Gumtree, the lights of the fire engines became apparent. Several homes were burning. Jade ran up to the car and banged on the window. John rolled his window down and nearly threw himself out of the vehicle.

"Did you guys see him go?!" Jade yelled. "He burned all those houses down when you and Dave left!"

"Who? Who burned the houses down? I mean c'mon Jade. Rose and are already going out now. You don't need to keep up with the gag which was GREAT by the way!" A sinking feeling in his gut predicted what his sister was about to say.

"No John. This isn't apart of that. Scientist's honor. This is all real."

"Then who did this?!" John demanded.

"He called himself....The Dark Pupa....."