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The Tale of Five Gackts

Chapter Text

As many of you are aware, Gackt is quite the odd human being. If you could even call him that. Fans and spectators alike have come to know his quirks over the years, from his claims that he is a four-hundred-year-old vampire to his… unusual Instagram posts. But what if I was to tell you that there wasn’t just one Gackt, but there was in fact five of them? It’s a little difficult to wrap your head around that concept. After all, one Gackt is enough for us all. Anyway, prepare yourself for the tales than ensue. That is, the tales of five Gackts!

 

Count Yu~ki

Chapter Text

“Gekka no Yasou Gackt, are you even listening to me?” sighed InstaGackt. Gekka no Yasou Gackt continued ignoring him, staring dramatically into space from his spot on the floor. Eventually, after a few minutes of silence, his dark eyes focused on InstaGackt, the more modern version of himself.

 

“Only a fool would disturb the slumber of a vampire,” he whispered, running one of his long black fingernails along InstaGackt’s biceps. InstaGackt was not impressed. He leapt back from him.

 

“But you weren’t even sleeping – ah, forget it. Look, Gekka no Yasou Gackt. I messed up. I had all my previous versions in storage, and I accidentally let them all out. I’m going to get you all back soon, but in the meantime, can you just sit here and keep yourself entertained? Here, take this.”

 

Instagackt passed his old phone over to Gekka no Yasou Gackt, who almost dropped it because of his nails. He watched in amusement as he tried to use it, his long fake nails a tangled mess. Knowing this guy, he’d probably spend the next few hours staring at the lock screen. With a grin, InstaGackt turned his back on him and left. And that was his critical mistake. After all, two decades had passed since he’d been in Malice Mizer. And he’d forgotten the persona he had back then…

 

*

 

It didn’t take Gekka no Yasou Gackt long to figure out how to unlock and use the device, despite having long nails. The first thing that caught his eye was Instagram, which he instantly created an account for. Since the username “Gackt” was already taken, he settled on “Gâçkt”, which displayed just how European he was. Soon, his account was covered in selfies of himself. After all, it’d be a waste not to take pictures, considering how well-dressed and done up he was.

 

Before long, the comments started appearing. The initial comments of “Wow, what an amazing cosplayer” quickly turned into “Hang on, this is legit Gackt from the nineties. Who’s uploading these previously unreleased photos?” to “How can they be from the nineties if he’s holding a smartphone in this mirror selfie? Has nineties Gackt managed to travel through time?

 

But Gekka no Yasou Gackt didn’t notice the comments. He became distracted by another feature on the device: Google Translate. He understood the implication of what this feature could do. But that didn’t stop his eyes from widening in surprise as he watched the word konnichiwa turn into bonjour right before his eyes. He wasted no time in covering his new Instagram in translated French posts, each one accompanied with a hot selfie of himself.

 

Bienvenue à tous. Allez dans le journal de Gakuto. Passez un moment merveilleux et sexy !

(Author's Note<Count Yu~ki>: Pardon the intrusion, but I believe this is the message Gekka no Yasou Gackt intended to convey: "Welcome everyone, to Gackt’s diary. Let’s have an amazing and sexy time!” )

 

Je vais vous dire comment avoir du bon sexe de Norvège, alors veuillez patienter !

(Author’s note<Count Yu~ki>: "I’ll tell you some awesome Norwegian sex techniques, so please wait a bit!")

 

En tant que maître du sexe, vous apprendrez différentes positions sexuelles drôles et amusantes.

(Author’s note<Count Yu~ki>: "As the master of sex, I will teach you various interesting and fun sex positions.")

 

The more posts Gekka no Yasou Gackt made, the more followers he began to earn. It didn’t take him long to discover hashtags. He browsed a few other user’s pages, including the pages of the other members of Malice Mizer, and quickly got the hang of it. Before long, he’d uploaded several pictures of himself in bed, tagged with #justhadsex, along with ones of him with a glass of wine, tagged #drinkingblood. Although these tags created quite the stir, the hashtag to cause the biggest wave of chaos was just around the corner.

 

After a stroll around Daiso, the 100 yen shop, Gekka no Yasou Gackt stared at the numerous French words he’d written down, inspired by the French-covered notebooks and giftbags he’d found. He was so engrossed in the project that he hadn’t even noticed the people gawping at him and his strange clothes. And he was just so caught up on his own thoughts that he didn’t even stop to think that perhaps flying to his favourite café was not the most sensible thing to do. But once Gekka no Yasou Gackt got an idea for lyrics, he completely lost himself in his own world. He continued hovering through the air, rereading his notes, before coming to a stop and sitting outside at an empty table.

 

The title of his new song came to him instantly, and he wasted no time in posting it, tagging Mana and Közi in the post (the other members didn’t seem to have Instagram accounts). With a smile, he stared at the title: Cadeau Pour Vous, and various ideas for the lyrics came to mind. He propped his device up against the sugar bowl and began to scribble them down. However, he could help but notice the comments exploding under his post.

 

“Wait, does that mean Malice Mizer are finally getting back together?”

“It’s happening! #MaliceMizerReunion”

“I thought the others might get back together, but Gackt is joining too? This is amazing!”

 

Gekka no Yasou Gackt frowned. What did they mean by “reunion”? Having just discovered that his new device could also be used as a phone, he carefully input Mana’s number and dialled. Somehow, after all these years, Mana hadn’t changed his number.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Bonjour, Mana. C’est moi, Gackt.”

 

“Ok, seriously, what the fuck?” snapped Mana. Gekka no Yasou Gackt jumped: he was used to starting phone calls this way with the “French” guitarist. What had gotten into him?

 

“Mana, what-"

 

“I don’t know if this is just some stunt your trying to pull to make yourself, or if you’re trying to mess with the sales of our new Blu-ray. But it’s not going to work. Seriously, after twenty years of silence you pull this and call me out of the blue? Get fucked.”

 

And with that, Mana hung up. Not learning his lesson, Gekka no Yasou Gackt tried calling Közi. Once again, he was in luck.

 

“Bonjour, Közi. C’est moi, Gackt.”

 

“Oh, hey banana man. Whatcha calling for?”

 

“Banana man?” repeated Gekka no Yasou Gackt slowly. It didn’t ring a bell, but he quickly pulled himself together. “I fear you are mistaken, my dear Pierrot. It is I, Gackt the Vampire. Having just returned to Japan from one of my multiple castles in Norway, I decided to call Mana and share my inspired lyrics with him. However, he seemed… a little off. Almost angry, in fact.”

 

“Well of course he’s angry,” laughed Közi. “You fucked off twenty years ago and haven’t looked back since! Personally, I think it’s an improvement, but I don’t think Mana’s as calm about it. He got really protective of Malice Mizer after you left. Even if you did re-join, I doubt he’d let you write the lyrics-"

 

Gekka no Yasou Gackt heard no more. He dramatically dropped the phone, sank to his knees and began to express his feelings of sadness and confusion in the format of a song. Once he had composed himself, he carefully pulled himself back onto the chair. Around him, people were staring. Although somewhat startled by his sudden performance, they genuinely seemed impressed by his singing skills.

 

“Not to worry,” Gekka no Yasou Gackt whispered to himself. “If I can’t be a part of Malice Mizer, then I’ll just start my own solo career. It’ll be a piece of cake… vanilla cake.”

Chapter Text

Nothing could stop Vanilla Gackt. He felt on top of the world. As soon as he was freed from storage, he went on a rampage, hitting on every attractive woman he laid eyes on. Some laughed awkwardly, others tried to ignore him and his strange sense of … fashion. However, that didn’t deter him. Spotting a beautiful woman sitting on a bench, he plopped down beside her.

 

“You know, they do call me the master of sex,” he whispered dramatically, scooting closer.

 

That was all the woman needed to hear. Without hesitation, she leapt up from the bench and ran as fast as she could. Vanilla Gackt watched her with a smile, convinced that she’d been overwhelmed by how sexy he was. It was only when she’d disappeared from sight did he realise that she had forgotten… her phone? But this strange device was like no other phone Vanilla Gackt had ever seen. It was very flat, and the screen took most of the space, leaving no room for any buttons. His head cocked to the side, Vanilla Gackt gingerly picked the device up.

 

It didn’t take Vanilla Gackt long to figure out how the device worked. The first thing he found was the camera, which he used to take several photos of himself. He was amazed by the technology: he could take as many photos as his heart desired. However, he had no idea how to print them. He fumbled through the device, attempting to find the print function. He eventually stumbled across Instagram, which soon made him forget all about printing.

 

Instagram seemed to be some kind of website where people could share pictures and comments. Without hesitating, Vanilla Gackt tried to sign up. Since the username “Gackt” was already taken, he settled for “The Gackt Spot”, chuckling as he typed it. How clever he was, a combination of the G spot and his name. Because he was just that good at sex.

 

Vanilla Gackt quickly got the hang of the website. At first, he uploaded some of the pictures he’d taken, showing off his new shocking bleached blond hair. However, very few people seemed interested. While he was thinking of something interesting he could write, curiosity got the better of him and he decided to search for the other Malice Mizer members.

 

Vanilla Gackt couldn’t help but gasp as he realised that Közi had thousands of followers and Mana had tens of thousands. He was so filled with rage that he couldn’t even type the names of the other members to check how they were doing. Not only did Mana and Közi have more followers than him, but they also had their own bands. His hands shaking, Vanilla Gackt uploaded another picture of himself, along with his very first text post.

 

I am alone now… I am les mizérables. You, who I loved too much, are on the other side of the wall, smiling softly.

#betrayal #miserable #mizérable #fuckMana

 

It didn’t take long for the comments and followers to trickling in. What began with just a few people complimenting him on his cosplaying abilities eventually led to quite a few followers. But that wasn’t enough for Vanilla Gackt. He was the true Gackt, and he needed to prove that to the world. Once again, he took the phone in his hands.

 

Do not be fooled. I wish you had a deeper understanding. It is I, the real Gackt. Now, prepare yourself as my sexy voice seduces your ears!

#Gackt #vanilla #sex #sexual #sexy #fuckMaliceMizer

 

And with that, Vanilla Gackt recorded himself singing a very sexual song, filled with words about sex. And just in case his meaning wasn’t clear and sexual enough, he began to thrust his pelvis towards the camera. With a smile, he uploaded the video. There was an instant reaction, the comments appearing so fast that Vanilla Gackt could barely read them all.

 

“Omg Gackt-sama, so sexy!”

“You are my vanilla, Gackt!”

“Take off your clothes!”

“I want your babies!”

“This video made me pregnant!”

“Gackt, you’re so hot!”

“Isn’t this a bit immature? You wouldn’t be where you are today without Malice Mizer.”

 

Despite the floods of compliments, that one comment criticising him captured his attention. And it filled him with rage. Was the opposite not true? Wouldn’t Malice Mizer be nobodies if it wasn’t for him? Vanilla Gackt channelled that rage into his next post. This time, rather than posting a picture of himself, he posted a picture of some blue roses before writing a post in English.

 

Why don’t you speak something?

Why do you keep silent?

What’s so funny?

Why do you exist?

I don’t know what will become of you.

#Gackt #Mana #MaliceMizer #fuckMaliceMizer #fuckMana

 

Vanilla Gackt added the hashtags at the end of the post, just in case the blue roses and the context of the post weren’t clear enough. But he hesitated before posting it. Although the lyrics were of his own creation, perhaps Mana wouldn’t get the point since they were in English. He took a second to think about it, then made his mind up. With a smile, he tagged Mana and pressed “post”.

 

There was an instant uproar. Vanilla Gackt had already gotten quite a bit of attention. But by tagging Mana, there was an immediate backlash, mostly from girls wearing his Moi-même-Moitié brand clothing. On the flip side, there were some people taking his side. And, for some strange reason, many people were posting pictures of Michael Jackson eating popcorn, adding comments such as “I can’t believe this fight is still going on, so lucky to witness this #MaliceMizerFeud”.

 

At first, it seemed that Mana was either ignoring the chaos in front of him, or perhaps hadn’t seen it yet. But eventually he did make a post. And Mana being Mana, he simply uploaded a picture, no words attached. Vanilla Gackt held his breath before clicking on the picture.

 

There was Mana, dressed in his usual over-the-top clothing with his over-the-top hairstyle, covered in blue roses. But he wasn’t looking at the camera: instead he was planting a blue-lipsticked kiss on the cheek of a man that seemed familiar… Hyde from L’arcenCiel? And under Mana’s platform heels was a squished banana. Already the comments were starting to appear, like savage and omg dead.

 

But none of this made sense to Vanilla Gackt. He’d heard of L’ArcenCiel, but he’d never even met them before. And what was the significance of the banana? Clearly, Mana was not going to win this argument. With a smirk, Vanilla Gackt began racking his brains for more angsty lyrics he could post as Instagram exploded in front of him.

 

And then it became clear to Vanilla Gackt, as clear as the full moon. Once again, he decided to quote S-Conscious, one of the many songs he’d written the lyrics for. Besides, the English below the selfie of him giving the middle finger looked much cooler than Mana’s blank space.

 

Why are you fucking?

What’s so funny?

It’s too funny of you?

#Gackt #Mana #MaliceMizer #fuckMaliceMizer #fuckMana

 

And so, the feud that had spanned over decades continued.

Chapter Text

Moon Child Gackt watched the sunset from the white sports car he had stolen. After all, when he’d been put in storage, the last thing he remembered was filming Moon Child the movie. It was only after he’d committed the crime did he realise that perhaps he was no longer on a movie set. Regardless, it was too late to go back now. With a shrug, Moon Child Gackt began rooting around in the glove compartment. Inside was a phone. Or at least, it seemed to be. Moon Child Gackt had never seen anything like it. However, it didn’t take him long to figure out how to use it. The first thing he did was change the language to Chinese. He wanted to challenge himself, after all. And besides, if he was going to become the number one star in Asia, he needed to improve his language skills.

 

After setting his phone to Chinese, Gackt discovered the camera. As soon as he realised how easy it was to take photos of himself, he leapt out of the car and began to take pictures in front of it. And what fabulous quality pictures they were. When Moon Child Gackt had been filming, he often took pictures with his co-star, Hyde. But the quality of those photos were laughable in comparison the ones he had just taken, If only he had someone he could show them to…

 

Moon Child Gackt tried to find the email function on the phone, but something caught his eye. Instagram. Just the name alone tickled his curiosity. And he was not disappointed with the result. It didn’t take him long to figure out that this was a website where he could share his photos with the world. Moon Child Gackt wasted no time in signing up. The username “Gackt” was already taken, and the website wouldn’t allow him to write his name in Korean. So, Moon Child Gackt picked the name SexyHyde69.

 

Moon Child Gackt quickly got the hang of Instagram. Having spotted people using hashtags, he decided to include some in his first post, which was written in English, so that more of his international fans could understand. And so, Moon Child Gackt wrote the post under the picture of him posing in front of the car, his dazzling blue eyes obscured by dark shades.

 

Hey, dears. It’s me, Gackt. Check out my new car. I’m having fun filming. But I’m a little tired.

#Gackt #car #cool #asia

 

Once Moon Child Gackt hit the post button, he happily reread his post. However, not a single person commented on it. Had he made a mistake? Perhaps he needed to improve his posting skills? He knew that he could become the master of posting if he just put his mind to it. But who could he learn from…? Moon Child Gackt almost smacked himself in the forehead. How hadn’t he thought of it before? Hyde! Hyde was bound to have thousands of followers. Perhaps he could learn some tips from him?

 

Moon Child Gackt found Hyde’s page without any major problems. His jaw hit the floor. Five hundred thousand followers? And they weren’t just Japanese either: there were people from all over the world. How did he manage to gather so many followers? Feeling slightly jealous, Moon Child Gackt began to compose his message to Hyde.

 

Hey, baby! Congratulations on getting so many followers. Any tips? Xxx

 

Moon Child Gackt paused. The message seemed a little bare. It took him a minute to realise what it was missing. He held the phone up and took a selfie, making a kissy face. Then, with a smile, he attached it to the message and hit post.

 

Hyde didn’t answer right away, so Moon Child Gackt decided to check out his other posts. However, his blood boiled when he spotted another familiar face, one that he wasn’t so pleased to see. Near the top of the page was a picture of Hyde being kissed by none other than Mana, the guitarist of Malice Mizer. Moon Child Gackt couldn’t contain his anger. He began to compose his response to the photo.

 

Hyde! Get away from that Mana bitch! I can assure you that my perfect lips will feel much better against your hot body!

 

However, after sending that message, he began to feel a bit guilty. His frustration was directed at Mana, not Hyde, and his message came across as a little aggressive. He decided to send him one more to clear things up.

 

Hey, baby. Sorry, I get a little jealous when I see you close to others. You have no idea how much I’m longing for you. In fact, I couldn’t contain myself, you sexy vampire…

 

And along with that message, Moon Child Gackt attached a photo of himself with his hands down the front of his pants, clearly in the act of pleasuring himself. But after he’d sent the message, something strange began to happen. Comments from people he didn’t know were beginning to appear under the private photo he’d sent to Hyde. At first it was just a few, but within minutes, the number had exploded.

 

OMG, Gackt is sexting Hyde! My fanfic came true!

Can I touch it too, Gakkun? :3

Show us your Magnum! <3

Wish you’d touch my dick too…

Wow, you’re really taking it too far this time…

BACK OFF! HYDE IS MINE!

Who owns this account? Has someone hacked Gackt’s phone?

Yeah, this totally seems like someone stole Gackt’s private photos…

 

It was at that point that Moon Child Gackt realised that perhaps he’d accidently posted his “private” messages publicly. And he was filled with fury. Not because others could see them, but because he looked stupid. Hyde hadn’t said anything, and people were already labelling him as a fake or a hacker. How dare they! After all, he was the number one star in Asia. He was going to have to do something, something so daring and cool that it’d make everyone believe him and look up to him. And then it hit him.

 

In fairness to Moon Child Gackt, he had just played the main role of Sho in Moon Child, a movie filled with action and guns. But he seemed to have forgotten that this wasn’t a movie: it was Japan. And stealing a police officer’s gun, filming yourself firing it and uploading the video to Instagram is quite frowned upon. In fact, it’s pretty illegal.

 

By the end of the day, Moon Child Gackt was sitting still on the floor of a jail cell, surrounded by whispers of how he looks just like Gackt from the early 2000s. But he didn’t say a word: he just sat as still as a doll. A paranoid doll.

Chapter Text

Gakupo awoke to an Edo that was completely unrecognisable. All around him, the world was bustling, filled with technology that he couldn’t understand. That was until some teenage girls recognised him.

 

“Isn’t that Kamui Gakupo, the vocaloid?” asked one of the girls loudly.

 

“I guess so? Sorry, I only like the Kagamine twins,” responded another.

 

But that was all Gakupo needed to hear. With just those words, he came to his senses and realised that he was a vocaloid, a holographic performer. He was a product of the modern world and was currently standing in the bustling centre of Tokyo station, not Edo.

 

“My fans need me.”

 

Gakupo spoke aloud in a strange monotone. Since he wasn’t the most popular vocaloid, not much effort had been put into improving his voice, at least in comparison to the main vocaloids. Regardless, he knew what he had to do: head to Ikebukuro to perform a show. Without hesitation, Gakupo sprinted towards the ticket gate and, to his surprise, he collided with it with such force that he flipped over it to the other side.

 

“Excuse me, sir, please tap your IC card before entering the ticket gate,” said one of the staff members, a fake smile plastered on his face. But Gakupo was too shocked to even stand up at first. How on earth had he managed to become solid? He was a hologram, so he should have just slid through the gate. But he couldn’t just lie there. All of a sudden, Gakupo dramatically leapt to his feet, causing the staff member to jump back in surprise.

 

“I am a samurai!” he roared in his monotone voice, causing several people to turn around in surprise. “A dancing samurai. And I am here to help people.”

 

“Yes, but you still need a ticket to-"

 

But Gakupo didn’t hear the rest. Right in front of him, a woman was rushing, trying to catch a train. In her haste, her smartphone fell forgotten to the ground. Playing the part of the hero, Gakupo snatched the phone up and ran after her. However, he was mere seconds too late: the woman just made it through the doors before they slid shut, leaving Gakupo on the platform. Just as he was wondering what he could do…

 

“Isn’t that Duke Venomania?” a young woman asked her friend, staring at Gakupo’s long flowing purple hair. And just those words alone changed him. He spun around dramatically, his eyes brimming with seduction. And despite not being able to change his monotone, his voice dropped to a more sexy note.

 

“Why, yes, that is I,” he purred, extending his hand. “Would you ladies be so kind as to join me at my castle?”

 

*

 

Gakupo’s castle turned out to be an empty host bar in Ikebukuro, dubbed “Castle”. Since it was during the day, the place was deserted. And being Duke Venomania, little crimes like skipping the train fare and breaking into a host club didn’t faze him. In fact, he even took a short video of himself jumping the ticket gate at Ikebukuro. He uploaded it to Instagram, tagging it with things like #badboy and #ladiesman. The username “Gackt” had already been taken, but Gakupo hadn’t noticed. He had his own personality, uploading everything under the username Kamui Gakupo.

 

But Gakupo didn’t stop at the video. With his Venomania powers awakened, enticing two girls from the station had been a walk in the park. They followed his every command and desire, completely under his spell. They happily obliged and posed with a shirtless Gakupo, and the picture was uploaded to Gakupo’s Instagram, along with the following message.

 

Ladies of Tokyo and of the world. Kamui Gakupo is accepting applicants to his Castle of Sex. To apply, just respond to this message along with a photo of yourself. I will judge if you are worthy.

 

Naturally, most people would be repulsed by that kind of message. But this was Duke Venomania, so his seduction powers caused any woman who set eyes on his photos to become enchanted and oblige. Before long, Gakupo had tens of thousands of applicants, along with girls from Tokyo flooding into his castle. Of course, this did not go unnoticed by the media, who only worsened the problem by posting about it, causing more woman to be enticed.

 

Gakupo smiled smugly from his throne, beautiful woman surrounding him, with dozens of pictures appearing on his phone every second. Just as he started adding several pictures of himself photo-shopped in front of castles, claiming that he had saved them, a new message appeared: a message that stood out amongst the sea of beautiful women. It was an Instagram message from a certain pierrot…

Chapter Text

With a smile, InstaGackt finished the English part of his post before adding the tags and sharing it with the world. Once again, his over-the-top ridiculous workout video had been a success.

 

“Um… Gackt, have you seen Instagram recently?”

 

InstaGackt looked up to find his guitarist, You, staring awkwardly at the ground.

 

“Why, I’m on it right now,” InstaGackt smiled, showing off all his perfectly straight pearl-white teeth.

 

“Well, then I guess you must have seen the news…”

 

“News? No, I only check my own profile-"

 

“…that Malice Mizer have a new vocalist.”

 

“…Since the other profiles here… WHAT?!?”

 

InstaGackt took a second to compose himself. He didn’t want to appear as upset or even bothered by the fact that Malice Mizer were coming back. He took a breath and smiled, trying to get as much information as possible while doing his best to appear uninterested.

 

“So, I guess they brought back that blond fellow? Or perhaps that wannabe that replaced me?”

 

“No, no like I said before, it’s a new vocalist,” responded You, looking nervous. Having known Gackt for over two decades, he knew how volatile he could be and didn’t want to upset him. With shaking hands, he passed InstaGackt his phone.

 

“That traitor,” hissed InstaGackt, the phone crashing to the ground with an alarming crash. On the cracked screen was a picture taken from Malice Mizer’s Bel Air era, with a picture of an emo-looking Gakupo dressed in all black photo-shopped over where Gackt should be.

 

InstaGackt was ready to throttle Gakupo. But he knew he had to deal with the other Gackts first. He let out a sigh. He had naively assumed that everything would be ok, since he only left them alone for a short amount of time. But he cursed himself for not knowing better: these were all versions of him. Of course they were all going to cause chaos. He quickly set out his plan to re-capture the Gackts and leapt into action.

 

*

 

Gekka no Yasou Gackt wasn’t hard to locate: he was sitting on the ground outside that café he’d always gone to in the nineties, a small circle of people around him. Gekka no Yasou Gackt was staring into space, his eyes filled with hurt.

 

“How could they continue Malice Mizer without me?” he whispered. “It’s me, Gackt. Don’t they need me?”

 

“You’ll heal with time,” insisted InstaGackt, kneeling down to his level. “It hurts now, but soon you’ll realise what an opportunity this is. You’ll achieve things you never though possible, but only if you move on.”

 

At first, Gekka no Yasou Gackt looked as though he was going to protest, but eventually gave a little nod. And with that, he was put back into storage.

 

*

 

InstaGackt found Vanilla Gackt in the park, sitting on a bench and sulking. He plopped down on the bench beside him.

 

“You know, they do call me the master of sex- oh, it’s you.”

 

Once Vanilla Gackt realised that InstaGackt was not a pretty woman, he went back to sulking with his back turned and arms folded.

 

“You know, once you say those kinds of words, you can never take them back,” said InstaGackt eventually, staring up at the late-afternoon sky. Vanilla Gackt was not impressed.

 

“Yeah? Well why would I want to take them back? They deserve it!”

 

“Those words will remain for everyone to see,” continued InstaGackt calmly. It’s ok to be mad, but it’s better to project a cool and calm image for the world to see. People will see you in a better light then. Just make sure that you don’t take out your anger on those you care about. Because one day, those people won’t be there anymore…”

 

Vanilla Gackt opened his mouth to object, but he slowly closed it when he realised what InstaGackt had said. He nodded, his eyes filled with sadness. Losing people close to them was something the two Gackt’s had in common. Once Vanilla Gackt had calmed down, InstaGackt had no problem putting him back in storage. Next was Moon Child Gackt.

 

*

 

It didn’t take InstaGackt long to figure out what had happened to Moon Child Gackt. He’d just opened his phone to check how many people had liked his new workout video. But he couldn’t help but spot the headline about the “Gackt lookalike” getting arrested. He sighed: was his past self really that reckless? His current self was so much calmer. He took a minute to himself to think, his eyes falling on the setting sun. And then he was struck with an idea.

 

“Yuugure ni, kimi to mita. Orenji no taiyou. Nakisou na kao o shite. Eien no sayonara.”

 

InstaGackt sang Hyde’s part of Orenji no Taiyou, not taking his eyes from the sky. And Moon Child Gackt heard him. Neither of them had had the opportunity to sing this song live with Hyde, so instead, the two Gackts decided to sing together. From his jail cell, Moon Child Gackt stared at the spot where he thought the setting sun would be and joined InstaGackt in song. The two sang together for the full nine minutes, and the music billowed around them, as though it was being played by an invisible orchestra.

 

Once they finished the song, Moon Child Gackt faded from sight as he was returned to storage. Since InstaGackt was nowhere near where he’d been, he knew he wouldn’t be linked to his sudden disappearance. But he had bigger fish to fry: his next target was none other than Gakupo.

 

*

 

InstaGackt tried to give off an air of confidence he didn’t actually feel. While Gakupo was no more than a vocaloid, he would more than likely be the most difficult version of himself to deal with. While the others were just previous versions of himself, Gakupo had been created from him, and as a result was a mix of him, his own personality and what others had made of him. Shaking with nerves, InstaGackt placed the eggplant flat on the palm of his hand. The eggplant span with a great force, pointing him in the right direction. The signal was getting stronger: Gakupo was close.

 

Before long, InstaGackt found himself standing outside an abandoned circus tent. At this point, the eggplant was practically leaping out of his hand. It was clear that this was the place. InstaGackt put the eggplant back in his pocket before pulling the curtain open and marching inside.

 

And there stood Gakupo. But it wasn’t the Gakupo that the world was familiar with. This Gakupo was wearing an imitation of the outfit Gackt had worn during their promotion of Bel Air. His hair was pulled back into a long ponytail, secured in place by a large black bow. And his dark makeup would have made a goth blush.

 

“Gakupo, Gakupo, what on earth have you been doing?” smiled InstaGackt, trying not to let his nerves show. “It’s time to stop this nonsense. You’re Gakupo, not Gackt. You’re not the vocalist of Malice Mizer. It’s time to-"

 

“Silence!” yelled Gakupo, every syllable spoken in the same note. “You signed away the rights to me when you got that nose job!”

 

“Hey, fuck you!” shouted InstaGackt back. It wasn’t his fault that money had been tight back then, so when the offer to sell his voice came, how could he have refused? But to InstaGackt’s horror, he realised that his thoughts might not have been as private as he’d assumed as he watched Gakupo grin maliciously.

 

“Oh, you’re worried about money?” he teased in his monotone. “So that’s what this is about. You want to make more money off me so you can blow it all playing poker! What’s wrong? Are your banana ads not bringing in enough money anymore? You’d do anything for-"

 

“Absolutely not!”

 

Their argument was cut off by the sound of another argument taking place from somewhere close by. InstaGackt instantly recognised Mana’s angry voice, along with the familiar sound of Közi’s cackling.

 

“What?” laughed Közi. “Isn’t it hilarious? Can you imagine the look on Gackt’s face when he found out that we replaced him with a copy of himself?”

 

“Absolutely not!” repeated Mana again, sounding furious. “I refuse to have one of those vocaloids sing the songs I worked so hard on, especially not one that resembles Gackt!”

 

Their argument cut off when they joined InstaGackt and Gakupo. Judging by the look on Mana’s face, they’d probably assumed that they didn’t have company. Közi however seemed unfazed.   

 

“Oh, hey banana man.”

 

“Bonjour, mon pierrot,” responded InstaGackt.

 

”Oh yeah, one of the previous versions of you called me. That or you’re really good at doing impressions of your past self.”

 

“No, no, that was definitely a past version of myself. Yeah, I didn’t realise that they’d cause so much trouble. I hope they didn’t bother you too much.”

 

At this point, Mana inhaled sharply, his nostrils flaring.

 

“…Ah, did they call you too?” asked InstaGackt guiltily. “I hope they didn’t say anything too offensive. A lot of time has passed for me. I hope they… I mean, I, didn’t hurt you… again, Anyway, I’ve gathered up all the other Gackts. There’s just this one left. Then things can go back to normal. You can get back to designing clothes and organising the occasional reunion. And I’ll spend every day working on myself.”

 

“What, you won’t spend all your time playing poker?” teased Közi. “Are you going to be the best at that too?”

 

InstaGackt let out a loud laugh before responding.

 

“No, not every day. And I’ve given up on being “the best”. Instead, I want to focus on being the best version of myself that I can be."

 

“Harakiri, kisama!”

 

Everyone turned to Gakupo and realised that he was losing strength: he was back to his normal samurai self, no longer wearing Gackt’s clothes. He started dancing, singing Dancing Samurai in his normal singing voice.

 

With a smirk, InstaGackt put Gakupo back in storage. How could he have even believed for a second that he could have been beaten by such a sub par vocaloid? Although Gakupo was made from him, he paled in comparison to the one true Gackt.

 

*

 

And so, all the loose ends were tied up. Or so it seemed. Once InstaGackt had completed his task, he took a rest and began browsing Instagram. It was only then did he realise the extent of the damage. His page was flooded with questions asking about the new Malice Mizer song and their reunion, Mana fans telling him off and criticising him, people asking about the Gackt lookalike and finally some of his fans asking hopefully whether or not he had his own castle of sex that they could apply to. It truly was utter Instagram chaos.

 

So InstaGackt did the most logical thing he could think of. He removed his pants, snapped a picture of his magnum and uploaded it to Instagram, his confidence apparent by the wine bottle he was using for a size comparison. The post instantly exploded, taking all attention from everything else. Despite getting banned within minutes, his picture had spread all over the internet, drawing attention away from the damage caused by the other Gackts.

 

InstaGackt had undone the Instagram chaos… by causing more Instagram chaos, and he had gotten banned as a result. But he felt no fear: it was only a matter of time before his account was given back to him. He was InstaGackt after all.

Chapter Text

And so that concludes The Tales of Five Gackts. Who knew that one person could cause so much chaos? And then to multiply it by five…

 

Where was I, might you ask? Well, while Közi was recklessly adding band members to Malice Mizer and Mana was winding up Gackt by hanging around with Hyde, I was working hard behind the scenes, keeping this band together. Those Malice Mizer Blu Rays didn’t ship themselves! And adding a new member requires a lot of paperwork. I’d gotten so far into it when the others decided to kick Gakupo out… I wish I could say I was surprised. Anyway, stay tuned for more tales of Malice Mizer, since I seem to be the only one around here that bothers writing things down!

Count Yu~ki