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Part One: Angst Central

Chapter One

Buffy couldn’t believe it. Why was this happening to her? She’d done the right thing and ended it with Spike. Well, sure, it wasn’t right to have used him in the first place, but wasn’t it understandable? Hadn’t she suffered enough?

She groaned and inspected the little white stick one more time, expecting it to change if she looked hard enough. How was it even possible? Vampires were supposed to be sterile, right? She hoped that wasn’t a myth. Spike would have told her if it wasn’t, wouldn’t he? Or Giles?

A million questions. Another groan.

Giles was going to kill her. Except, no, he wasn’t, because he was gone – he’d left her, just like everybody else – and she didn’t have to tell him anything. She obviously wasn’t going to keep it, so why was she even stressing?

A knock at the door.

“Buffy? Hurry up, you’re taking forever and I need to pee!”

“Uh, sure, Dawn. Just a minute.”

Buffy looked at the test one final time.

It looked back at her.

---

The first thing Spike was aware of in his sleep-addled state was the Slayer busting into the bedroom of his crypt.

He grinned, assuming she must be there for some of the old cold comfort, but there was anger written across her face and it caused flashbacks of their breakup the previous week to return.

His smile dropped as he racked his brains trying to think if he’d done anything wrong since then. There was panic as he drew a blank, because she was surely pissed off. He hadn’t seen her so angry in such a long time. Was it bad that he missed it?

She plowed through his thoughts with a demand of, “What did you do?”

Well, now, wasn’t that the million-dollar question. He stared at her blankly and she began pacing.

“I’ve been over this a hundred times and I don’t get it. It must be a trick. Some kind of twisted ploy to get me back.”

“Buffy–”

“No, don’t talk. Just tell me what you did.”

He quirked an eyebrow, wondering if her request would sink into her head and she’d realize how ridiculous it was.

“Well?” She tapped her foot. “I’m waiting.”

Obviously not.

Spike sighed and stood up. Clearly there was to be no more sleep for him anytime soon. He didn’t know how to feel when she didn’t shy away from his naked body and turn around like she normally did, pretending that it was something unnatural when she wasn’t using it to get her rocks off. This time she didn’t react at all – he could have been wearing a clown suit and she wouldn’t notice, the mood she was in. It worried him.

“Buffy,” he began again, “What’s wrong?”

“You! God, don’t you listen?!”

“Heard you fine, you’re just not making any bleeding sense.”

Within the space of a few moments, she breathed a heavy sigh, let her shoulders drop, and sat down quietly on the edge of the bed – defeated.

Spike watched the fight go out of her, terrified. He was stuck between going over and holding her tightly, and staying stood where he was and asking her about it again, instead. He didn’t think either would do much good, so he remained in limbo as she made the first move.

Buffy took something from her pocket and held it out to him. Then, as soon as he took it, she burst into tears.

---

Buffy was sorely disappointed when she didn’t feel Spike’s arms come around her like she expected. Sniffling and pushing her tears aside, she looked at him.

He was stood there, looking at the test with deep concentration etched into his features.

“Spike?” her voice came out as a whimper and she hated herself for it.

“Who is….” He finally looked at her again. “Who’s the–”

She stood up so fast her head spun. “You are not going to ask me that question!”

“Okay, fine.” He tossed down the test and held up his hands. “It doesn’t matter. What do you want me to do?”

She gaped at him. There was a brief moment of pause, and then she threw herself at him – punching and kicking. “You did this, you undo it!”

Spike seemed too shocked to block the blows. “Me?”

“You idiot!” She smacked him hard across the face.

He took a firm grip of her upper arms and looked deep into her eyes. “Me?” he said again.

“What, you think I’ve been with someone else?” She was hysterical. She knew that she was hysterical, but she didn’t care. She expected him to help. Why wasn’t he helping?!

He let her go and she just kind of slumped back onto the bed. He still wasn’t wearing any clothes, but both of them were ignoring that.

“How could I?” he asked.

“That’s what I want to know!”

He shook his head. “Well, I couldn’t.”

“God, you really do think I’ve been just sleeping with everyone, don’t you?” Genuine betrayal sliced through her. “I thought this meant something to you.” In truth, she thought it meant everything to him. She had her hopes set on it. That was her guarantee that he’d help her. Her mind was still reeling. “Have you been with other people?”

“What? Bloody hell, of course not!” Relief flooded through her for a moment, then she pushed it aside. “Well, I haven’t either. I can’t believe you thought–”

“I didn’t, alright? But you’re the one always denying that we have something, and you ended it, so why should I think I’d be the only one, other than my sad little ego you like to kick so much?”

Buffy wanted to cry again, knowing he was right. There was no reason for him to have faith in her. She tried to be calm. Rational.

“I thought vampires couldn’t have babies. Aren’t you all like sterile?”

“Far as I bloody know,” he affirmed. “Not like we’re known for shacking up with humans. Well, not long enough to find out at any rate. More like suck, fuck, and move the hell on. Not even in that order.”

Her stomach lurched and she closed her eyes. Finally – FINALLY – Spike did what she’d been silently begging him to do and he leaned in close to offer comfort, but she pushed him away, not done being angry. With him, the world – everything.

“Am I a lucky one, Spikey? That you didn’t kill me before having your way?”

“Hey, now!” He physically recoiled at her words. “One: it was your first move. The kiss, the fucking, that was you who started that fire.”

She went to argue, but he held up a hand. “Two: I was talking about other vamps. That was never my game.”

“Yeah.” She spat the word out, making it very clear she didn’t believe him at all.

“Yes,” he stated, firmly. He was not joking around.

She believed him, then. Changing tack, she asked, “You think if I got knocked up by someone else I’d come to you?”

He gave her a look that said, ‘duh.’ “Who else would you go to?”

That made her laugh. In the midst of her crisis, she cracked and laughed at the truth behind his words. She laughed until she was crying again.

Spike moved to hold her again and she let him. Buffy let her tender side show through, for once.

“Spike, I can’t keep this baby. I don’t have a job, or a future, or money. I….” She looked away. On this occasion, she found no perverted kind of joy when she released her old mantra: “I don’t love you.”

He didn’t say anything, but his grip on her tightened significantly. That told her all she needed to know. She considered it the perfect response, actually.

“Shouldn’t you talk to your watcher?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“I should go home.”

“Okay.”

“Spike!”

“What?”

“Stop being nice to me!”

“Bloody hell, woman, what do you want?”

“I… I–” Once more, she looked around, searching for the answer. “I don’t want this to be happening.” Her voice cracked. “This can’t be happening!”