A few months had already passed since the two of them became an item yet Makoto felt like nothing had changed between him and Haru.
Makoto had his unrequited feelings for his bestfriend since a long time ago. Perhaps even before he knew exactly what this thing called love was. The two of them had been inseparable. He understands him the most even in their wordless exchange. That had been his pride throughout the years.
Haru was like his every reason in everything. He would not have been able to overcome his fear of water or enjoy swimming if not for the raven-haired. Makoto contented himself just being around his friend; it had been his greatest pleasure. He never asked, never demanded anything. Just staying by his side was enough.
Things changed when he got greedy. He wanted Haru to look at him, and desire him as much as Makoto desired the other guy. All these years, his pent-up emotions exploded in his chest that he could no longer contain them. He wanted more from their relationship yet it was the other way around for Haru.
Makoto knew that Haru neither see him as an equal nor as a rival. Perhaps all those years of doting his friend resulted to him being the other’s mother-figure. He couldn’t figure out where he stood in Haru’s life like standing in a big, dark maze. Was he a friend? A boyfriend? This uncertainty in his chest was engulfing him, slowly and painfully. Inside, he was a big mess.
Sometimes he envied Rin. Swimming used to be their thing. A bonding moment. Yet when Rin went to Australia, he took the raven-haired boy with him. That only he, and him alone, could bring back the once dim spark within Haru. Rin was able to push Haru to his limits. Something Makoto could not do. Seeing the determination of his crush induced by another guy, Makoto thought somebody kicked him in the gut. Makoto would have liked it more if he would be the push Haru needed.
Perhaps Haru saw him as a comfort zone. A safe and secure place; somewhere you could come back to when things get rough. It was nice and all, but nothing grows in that area. Not even love.
That might explain why Haru never acted like lovers with Makoto. Sure, they were going out but he could have sworn that they were not on the same level of affection. Haru never said the words. Words were not important before for them. Until now.
Makoto suppressed a bitter smile. Of course, it was only him who had an unrequited love. Thinking that Haru might feel the same when he accepted his confession was naïve. He was just being kind. He could not help but wonder if he had some masochistic streak deep down for continuing this feeling.
Their relationship, while their friends approved it, was not something society will easily accept. Makoto knew that. He knew the cons of their relationship. However, he could not help but feel different kinds of sadness whenever he sees couples holding hands or do couple things. He didn’t expect Haru to turn sweet and clingy, that would freak him out. He only wanted to feel needed; to feel that their feelings were mutual. He gazed at his right hand. It looked cold and lonely. Was that too much to ask? He asked himself.
Makoto sighed for the nth time and glanced at his side. Haru was walking beside him, unaware of his internal turmoil. The dark-haired boy wore a poker face that Makoto had grown to love. The person he loved was a few inches away from him yet he was so far away at the same time. The irony made him smile.
He stopped walking and inhaled, filling his lungs with as much oxygen as it could carry like it would replace those dark feelings inside him. Maybe this was a good time to stop, to end everything that had something to do with Haru.