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The Facebook of Margery Kempe

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Margery Kempe

1 hr 

O Lord, King of Kings, thank you for your blessings upon me, your most unworthy servant. Thank you for the well of tears that come upon me when I think of your Passion and death, Jesus! IF YOU ARE UNASHAMED OF BELIEVING IN THE LORD JESUS OR HIS UNWORTHY SERVANT WHO WEEPS WHENEVER SHE THINKS OF HIM THEN SHARE THIS POST.

John Kempe Jr. liked this

 

John Kempe if someone came and threatened to murder me UNLESS we had sex right now, you'd probably let them kill me, wouldn't you.

Elizabeth Kempe Dad, what have you been reading that this is a scenario that even occurs to you?

Anne Kempe Seriously unless you're a Vulcan or Mum's a werewolf this is very unlikely to come up. 

John Kempe Jr. Anne, what sort of trash are YOU reading?

Anne Kempe Wouldn't you like to know?

Margery Kempe John, you are my husband and I love you. Why are you bringing this up after two months of faithful celibacy?

John Kempe You’d absolutely let me die, wouldn’t you? You are a TERRIBLE wife.

Benjamin Kempe You all know this is world-readable, right? Literally anyone could be reading this?

John Kempe Every time I go to touch you I have a panic attack, Margery 

Margery Kempe That's God speaking in your heart.

John Kempe I’m pretty sure that’s not it.

Margery Kempe I want to go to the Holy Land

John Kempe If you're using our joint checking account for a vacation, you'd better be planning to have sex with me before you go.

Anne Kempe Dad, trying to blackmail Mum into sex is kind of gross.

Margery Kempe What if I pay off your debt from that car you wrecked, instead, John.

Elizabeth Kempe Dad, maybe make a doctor's evaluation the condition instead of sex or car payments?

John Kempe Jr. You should have more respect for our mother, Elizabeth. What can a doctor tell her that the Lord can't?

Margery Kempe Good news, I asked God just now and he says I should go ahead and pay off that loan for you, John. Also, I made the down payment on the trip to the Holy Land.

 


 

Jane Miller > Pilgrimage Tour Planning and Coordination

1 hr

Who was it who had the double room and no roommate? I need to change rooms. It’s urgent.

Melissa Peterson It's me, but that's because I snore.

Jane Miller I hope you're OK with it if I move my stuff over right now. I'll live with the snoring. 

Margery Kempe Jane, why are you moving out of our room?

Jane Miller BECAUSE YOU CRY ALL THE TIME, MARGERY. 

Margery Kempe I'm so sorry that my weeping, which is a holy gift from the Lord, inconveniences you.

Jane Miller Last night you didn't stop until TWO. IN THE MORNING. And you aren't crying quiet little decorous tears, either, you WAIL OUT LOUD. I have been TRYING to be compassionate but I can't take it any more.

Margery Kempe Fine. I'll see you at breakfast.

Melissa Peterson Actually some of us have been meaning to talk to you about that. Can you maybe just get room service delivered? 

Margery Kempe Why don't you want me sitting with you at breakfast?

Melissa Peterson To be honest when I first get up in the morning I just want coffee and quiet. Not a twenty-minute lecture on the details of crucifixion. 

Margery Kempe I'm so sorry that I thought people on a HOLY PILGRIMAGE would want to discuss HOLY TOPICS. 

Melissa Peterson You wanted to tell us, in detail, exactly which bones the nails went through. If this was something I wanted to know, I would Google it, Margery! Also at dinner tonight you prayed over your food for a half hour and the rest of us didn't feel like we could discuss the itinerary until you were done.

Sophia Jones Honestly your husband might put up with that BS but that doesn't mean we have to.

Margery Kempe I'm so sorry that my great and fervent love for the Lord our God is such a burden to all of you. 

Margery Kempe Good news for all of you, though, God told me that the rest of you will be safe as long as I'm with you!

Sophia Jones Fun fact: we are 100% going to ditch you in Rome.

 


 

Margery Kempe

4 hr

OH LORD I PRAY THEE PROVIDE ME WITH GUIDANCE AND A LEADER FOR I AM LONELY AND LOST

John Kempe, Jr. liked this

 

Anne Kempe Why are you lost, Mum? I thought you had a tour guide?

Elizabeth Kempe What did you do to the tour guide, Mum? 

Margery Kempe Why would you ask that? I didn't do anything to the tour guide! Everyone on the tour turned against me and when we got to Rome they all arranged to get up early and leave without me. I'm stranded. I don't speak any Italian. OH LORD I PRAY THEE SEND ME AID IN THIS MOMENT OF NEED AND DESPAIR.

Elizabeth Kempe Jesus Christ I knew something like this was going to happen.

John Kempe, Jr Elizabeth, do NOT use that sort of language to our mother! Show some respect.

Elizabeth Kempe Mum WERE YOU CRYING AGAIN

Margery Kempe It was a HOLY GIFT OF TEARS

Elizabeth Kempe This is EXACTLY why I told you to go ahead and pay the single supplement if you weren't going to go with Dad

Margery Kempe Your father hates travel.

Elizabeth Kempe You claim YOU hate travel but you do enough of it anyway.

Margery Kempe I DO hate travel. I get terribly motion sick on buses, boats, planes, and in cars. And on trains. Travel is awful. 

Elizabeth Kempe Have you worked out how you're going to get to Jerusalem yet?

Margery Kempe Well, I met a man named William. He speaks English and he's very nice. He's going to Bologna and Venice and offered to bring me along. 

Anne Kempe Please send us a picture so if he turns out to be a serial killer we have a photo to send to the police?

Margery Kempe God would NEVER tell me to get in a car with a serial killer, Anne!

Anne Kempe Mum. Photo. I'm serious.

Margery Kempe Sorry, it's time to go, I'll text you when I get to Jerusalem! If my phone works. I'm not absolutely certain my data plan includes the Holy Land.

 


Message from +972 1599-506080

10:25 AM

 

Hello, this is Dr. Kestenbaum. Hopefully I've reached Elizabeth Kempe. We got the number from your mother's phone. She's OK! Nothing terrible has happened, don't worry. She was brought into my department at Kfar Shaul hospital because she was weeping and crying rather extravagantly and some of her fellow tourists were concerned she might have Jerusalem syndrome. 

 

This is Elizabeth.

Jerusalem syndrome, is that the thing where people think they're Jesus or Satan or whatever?

 

Yes. Well, it's not limited to that. Your mother isn't claiming to be Jesus, but apparently when she visited the Via Dolorosa she fell screaming to the ground and was rolling around. FYI, most people who experience Jerusalem Syndrome are fine as soon as they're out of Jerusalem and back among familiar faces. 

 

Yeah, my mother is always like this.

 

Oh. Really?

 

Screaming, crying...I guess rolling around on the ground is new. Yeah.

She says this is sent by God. She's been like this for years.

Actually if you could give her some antipsychotics that would be great!

I've wondered for a while if those might help her?

 

She's actually not a severe enough case to be admitted. I was hoping someone in your family might be able to come get her and bring her home.

 

Well, I could let my older brother John Jr. know.

but I have to say

if anyone in the family was going to show up and decide they REALLY WERE Jesus or Satan or something?

as opposed to just thinking that screaming hysteria is a sign of exceptional holiness?

It would be John Jr.

 

On second thought maybe I'll just send her back to her hotel with some Risperdal.

 

That's what I'd do, tbh.

 


Message from John Kempe

8:28 PM

Margery, are you coming home soon?

 

Oh, hello John, dear. I'm back in Rome

 

When are you coming back to Lynne

 

I have been serving a poor, sick woman as penance. I bring her water and wine and food and care for her.

 

That's very charitable of you. Have you contacted social services?

 

How would I do that, John, I don't speak any Italian.

 

Then how are you communicating with this elderly woman

 

God tells me what she needs.

Also, I have body lice that I think I caught from her.

I have been offering up my suffering for the souls in purgatory

 

Have you been taking those pills they gave you at the hospital in Jerusalem

 

Margery

 

Margery?

 

Well, I guess I'll see you when I see you

 


Margery Kempe

3 hrs

Oh Lord I trust in thee for all that sustains me, I know you will never forsake me, and also if anyone would like to send me money by Paypal I can send you the address.

John Kempe, Jr. liked this

 

Elizabeth Kempe Mum, are you still in Rome?

Margery Kempe Yes. And the Lord told me to give away what money I had, so I did. I also gave away Richard's money, he's not very happy with me at the moment. I forgot that some of the money in my purse was actually money Richard loaned me.

Elizabeth Kempe Wait. Who's Richard? 

Margery Kempe Back at Heathrow I accidentally went to the wrong gate at first. It was fine, though, because I was four hours early. While I was at the wrong gate I ran into an old lady who I prayed with and she told me that when I was lost and without recourse and had been abandoned by my companions I would meet a man with a bad back and he would help me, and last week after I left Jerusalem it came true!

Elizabeth Kempe The part where you are lost and abandoned has happened to you literally repeatedly since you left home

Margery Kempe It's rather unkind of you to point that out, Elizabeth, but also now I've met a man with a bad back and so I've been travelling with him. It was prophesied.

Eliizabeth Kempe Basically everyone over the age of forty has a bad back, Mum.

Margery Kempe The point is I need money.

Elizabeth Kempe YOU HAD MONEY AND YOU GAVE IT AWAY.

Margery Kempe Look if you don't want to send me anything that's fine, I'm not complaining, just scroll on, you don't have to be rude about it.

I have more than Jesus had when he was hanging naked on the cross

God pointed that out to me a little while ago, actually

Elizabeth Kempe Maybe point out to God that when Jesus was hanging on the cross, he really did NOT need to worry about covering a hotel bill. Also he didn't need to buy a Ryanair ticket to get himself up to Heaven, did he.

Anne Kempe As if Jesus would fly Ryanair.

Benjamin Kempe He rode a donkey, wasn't that supposed to be incredibly humble? That seems like maybe the Ryanair equivalent, actually. He calmed the seas and stuff, he could probably keep his plane from being late or losing all his luggage.

John Kempe Jr. I really can't believe how disrespectful the rest of you are.

Gretchen Kempe Wenn du ihr noch mehr Geld zuschickst, werde ich dich scheiden lassen. 

 


 

Margery Kempe

7 hrs

Well, I'm back in England! Arrived last night despite bad weather, and what do you know, the minute I was on English soil I got sick again. Anyway I'm in a hotel room and I'll get the train to Lynn once I'm feeling better.

John Kempe, Jr. liked this

 

John Kempe Margery, I'm coming to find you, pleased text me your hotel. You said you're sick and that worries me. 

 


 

Margery Kempe

5 hrs

GOD HAS MIRACULOUSLY HEALED ME. THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR YOUR FAITHFUL KINDNESS TO YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT.

Also I made a vow that if God healed me, I would go on a pilgrimage to Santiago in Spain, so I'm not coming back to Lynne yet.

John Kempe, Jr. liked this.

 

Elizabeth Kempe Did you pay back that guy Richard

Margery Kempe I have PLENTY of money for Richard now.

Anne Kempe Did you trip over a hundred-euro bill or 

Margery Kempe No, people sent it to me on Paypal.

Elizabeth Kempe Who sent it? JOHN JR DID YOU SEND HER MONEY

Gretchen Kempe I checked our bank balance and he didn't. 

Margery Kempe Twitter followers.

Elizabeth Kempe When did you get on Twitter?

Margery Kempe Just because almost my entire family thinks I'm a crazy loser unworthy of their support doesn't mean everyone on the Internet thinks I'm a crazy loser. I have 5,000 Twitter followers who believe in the LORD and they sent me money so now I have enough to pay back Richard.

Elizabeth Kempe Did they also send you enough to go to Santiago? 

Margery Kempe God will provide!

 


CHURCH BULLETIN FOR HOLY ANGELS CATHOLIC CHURCH

 

Thursday night card games are back!  Come to the social hall on Thursday at 7 p.m. for pizza and many card games including gin rummy, bridge, euchre, and crazy eights! Chip in $5 for pizza and bring a drink or a bag of chips. 

Prayers requested for Elaine Michaelson, Mary Smith, John Kempe, John Miller the nephew of Deborah and Edward Miller, and Jane Lendowski.

Tuesday Night Miracle! Parishioner Margery Kempe, who last year went on pilgrimage to Rome, Jerusalem, and Santiago was praying in the chapel on Tuesday night when she smelled smoke. Her presence in the chapel and quick actions meant that the fire in the sacristy was quickly brought under control. In light of this, the Parish council has decided that we will once again allow her to attend regular Mass instead of receiving communion from Father Dennis at home. We understand that people find the noises she makes during Mass disruptive, but she has agreed to come to the 8 a.m. Sunday Mass, which is not as well-attended as the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass, to sit near the back, and to retire to the cry room if she has an outburst during the homily. We think this is a fair arrangement that should meet everyone's needs. 

Parish Book Club. The men's club will be reading "The Catholic Gentleman: Living Authentic Manhood Today." There's still time to join!

 


 

Louisa Fletcher > Friends of Holy Angels Catholic Parish

1 hr

Look, I hate to say this, but the cry room really should be for crying BABIES. Speaking as someone who had to go in there with a crying baby today, having an adult who's at least 10 times louder than any screaming infant was the opposite of helpful, and I know everyone else in there was just as annoyed as I was.

Francine Glass Thank you for saying something, Louisa.

Emily Woods Yes, I expect the cry room to have crying but this whole situation is ridiculous.

Elizabeth Kempe You know my mum reads in here, right?

Louisa Fletcher If my mother acted like this I would take her to a doctor.

Elizabeth Kempe Thanks very much for assuming that I don't care anything at all about my mother's health! The arrangement is, she gets to go to the 8 a.m. Mass and if you can't cope with her you can go at 10 a.m.

Louisa Fletcher I never see YOU at the 8 a.m. mass.

Elizabeth Kempe DAMN RIGHT YOU DON'T.

John Kempe, Jr. That's really not appropriate language in a church group.

Louisa Fletcher I never see you at any of the masses John because yOU LIve in FRANKFURT. Which is about as far out of earshot of your mother as is POSSIBLE to GET.

John Kempe, Jr. Actually we've moved to Gdansk.

Louisa Fletcher Why don't you move your mother to Gdansk?

Elizabeth Kempe Because she's a person, not a large piece of furniture and also because I think my sister-in-law would kill her.

John Kempe, Jr. What a way to talk about Gretchen, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Kempe Tell me I'm wrong. 

John Kempe, Jr. Really, just really inappropriate.

 


 

John Kempe, Jr.

1 hr

On my way to Lynne with Gretchen Kempe and our adorable little daughter! Can't wait to see my mother Margery Kempe, sisters Elizabeth Kempe and Anne Kempe, brother Benjamin Kempe, and our whole Holy Angels church family. 

Margery Kempe liked this.

Elizabeth Kempe While you're here we need to talk about Dad.

John Kempe, Jr. What about him? I thought he was out of the hospital?

Elizabeth Kempe Yeah, well, he's in really bad shape and Mum's basically killing herself taking care of him. We need to get someone in to help her and Mum's refusing. You're basically the only one she listens to. Can you at least try to talk sense into her?

Gretchen Kempe John. Wir ziehen auf keinen Fall nach Lynn.

John Kempe, Jr. It's going to be so great to see everyone!

 


 

CHURCH BULLETIN FOR HOLY ANGELS CATHOLIC CHURCH

 

Friday evening AA meeting will be in the chapel instead of the social hall this week. 7 p.m., all welcome. 

Prayers requested for Elaine Michaelson, the Kempe family as they grieve both their losses, and Lonnie Peterson.

Funeral for John Kempe and John Kempe Jr. As you may have heard, both John Kempe and his son John Kempe Jr. died this week -- John after a stroke and a long illness, John Jr. after a sudden heart attack. John leaves behind his wife, Margery, and his children Elizabeth, Anne, and Benjamin. John Jr. leaves behind a wife, Gretchen, and a daughter, Margaretta, of Frankfurt, Germany. Their funerals will be held together at 11 a.m. on Thursday. A luncheon will be hosted by the Rosary Altar society in the social hall afterward. 

Altar flowers. If you wish to donate to the Easter Altar Flowers to beautify the church, please see Mary in the office.

 


 

Gretchen Kempe > Elizabeth Kempe

9 hrs

She CANNOT stay here. 

Elizabeth Kempe I'm sorry, I just saw this, what time did you post it? I thought she was just dropping you off at Gatwick? She TOLD everyone she was just going to see you to Gatwick!

Gretchen Kempe That is also what she told me. And then we got to the airport and I went to the line to check my luggage and show my passport and before I knew it she was saying that God wanted her to buy a ticket and accompany me to Gdansk. Except she thought we were going to Frankfurt. I would have just let her go to Frankfurt without me but the Ryanair lady decided to be helpful. 

Elizabeth Kempe So is she in your house? 

Gretchen Kempe We got in after midnight. I told her she could sleep on my couch.

Elizabeth Kempe You really should not have to deal with this right after losing your husband. Do you need me to fly to Gdansk and drag her home?

Gretchen Kempe I will try sending her away later today. If that doesn't work, I'll let you know.

Elizabeth Kempe I am so, so sorry. Was the flight bearable?

Gretchen Kempe If she really talks to God it would have been nice if she'd asked him for a smoother flight. We all got airsick. She says she's never getting in a plane again. I think if you come get her you may want to plan on Eurail home.

 


 

Margery Kempe

2 hrs

There is no stab in the heart that pains quite like when you've really put yourself out for someone and it turns out they've viewed your help as a burden the entire time. O Mary Mother of God, who watched your blessed and holy Son die on the cross, comfort me in my hour of affliction, for though my own loss pales in comparison to yours I am weeping today for my own losses as much as for the love of Your Son.

Elizabeth Kempe Mum, are you in Poland?

Margery Kempe I went with Gretchen back to Germany.

Elizabeth Kempe She lives in Poland. You're in Poland. Can you take a taxi to the airport and come home, please? I'm worried about you.

Margery Kempe I am never flying again. Never. Never IN MY LIFE will I put a foot on any airplane, from any airline. Never.

Elizabeth Kempe If you don't fly home it's going to take you 24 hours of travel to get here. If you go to the main train station and try to find someone who speaks English...

Margery Kempe I found someone who speaks English.

Elizabeth Kempe That's great! 

Margery Kempe His name is John and since I've come all this way, we're going to a pilgrimage site and then he'll drive me to Paris and I can take the Eurostar home.

Elizabeth Kempe NO WAIT, MUM. I'M RINGING YOU.

Elizabeth Kempe MUM PLEASE PICK UP YOUR PHONE.

 


 

Elizabeth Kempe > Kempe Siblings

1 hr

So after Gretchen asked her to leave, she found some guy named John and he's going to take her to a pilgrimage site and then apparently he's taking her to Paris so she can take the Eurostar. She didn't want to fly. It sounds like they had a rough flight to Gdansk.

Anne Kempe I'll be honest, every time I've flown Ryanair I've come off it swearing I'll never fly again. I always do eventually. I'm sure Mum will. Probably won't be this week, though.

Benjamin Kempe Which pilgrimage site?

Elizabeth Kempe I WISH I KNEW. What's close to Gdansk?

Anne Kempe That she'd care about? Apparently the oldest Christian church in Poland is about four hours away.

Benjamin Kempe I bet she's going to Medjugorje.

Anne Kempe That is literally at the whole other end of Europe. 17 hours away by car. 

Benjamin Kempe She literally thought she was going to Frankfurt and you think she knows where she is relative to Medjugorje? She's in Eastern Europe, those Medjugorje teens who thought they saw the Virgin Mary back in the 1980s were in Eastern Europe, she's probably going to Medjugorje.

Elizabeth Kempe Only if mystery John drives her there.

Benjamin Kempe Do you think she latched on to this guy because of his name? Is that ridiculous to think about?

Elizabeth Kempe I guarantee you she thinks it's 100% God. But yeah, I think she latched on to him because of his name. John Jr. was always her favorite.

Benjamin Kempe When she gets back are we going to take her in for an evaluation? We don't have to talk Dad into it anymore. We're her next of kin now.  

Anne Kempe They're not going to do anything even if we can get her in there. 

Benjamin Kempe All we need to do is make sure she thinks about the Passion of Jesus Christ midway through the evaluation and she'll fall to the floor howling. You really don't think they'll do something if they see her having one of her fits?

Elizabeth Kempe You might be right. But I'm honestly not sure they should. 

Anne Kempe You don't think God's actually talking to her, do you? I thought just John Jr thought that.

Elizabeth Kempe No, of course not.

Benjamin Kempe She's getting lifts from strangers she met in Gdansk. Which she wound up in after attempting an impulse trip to Frankfurt. After telling EVERYONE, including Gretchen, that she was just going to see Gretchen to Gatwick.

Elizabeth Kempe Look. I agree, completely, that's she's frustrating. She annoys basically everyone she comes into contact with, from the Rosary Altar society at Holy Angels to the Starbucks barista. But she's not dangerous to others. Do you really think her bad decisions are enough of a danger to herself that she should be committed? Put into memory care, like that place we looked at for Dad?

Anne Kempe You don't know she'd wind up in something like memory care. She might just need some antipsychotics or something.

Elizabeth Kempe The Israeli doctors gave her antipsychotics and (a) they didn't do much and (b) she flushed them the minute she was released. There is absolutely no scenario other than putting her in an institution in which she stays med-compliant, and you all know it.

Benjamin Kempe Yeah, that's valid.

Anne Kempe The stuff she does is dangerous, though. She DOES put herself in danger.

Elizabeth Kempe Anne, you hitchhiked across Europe one summer. You told Mum you were using a Eurail pass but you admitted to me you took plenty of lifts from strangers. 

Anne Kempe I wasn't doing it because I thought God would tell me if I was about to get in a car with a serial killer.

Elizabeth Kempe My point is you got to make your own bad decisions. And I knew and didn't tattle to Mum because you were an adult. Mum's also an adult. This isn't dementia, she's literally been like this as long as any of us can remember. She clearly wants to live this way.

Anne Kempe So you think we should just leave her to it?

Elizabeth Kempe That's basically what I'm saying, yeah.

Benjamin Kempe What if I hide her passport after she gets home, so it's at least harder for her to leave the UK?

Elizabeth Kempe That seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise.

 


 

Margery Kempe

8 hrs

I am back in Lynne after a road trip across most of Eastern Europe! With my new friend John we visited 36 pilgrimage sites and were almost caught in two riots. Then, John left me behind in Prague. I met a lady from England who I thought would be kind enough to take me home but she refused and was actually really nasty about it. But then a kind Friar I encountered helped me buy a rail ticket and after many and various tribulations I am home. 

Elizabeth Kempe Two riots?

Margery Kempe Don't worry Elizabeth, God wouldn't let me come to any harm.

Elizabeth Kempe Are you absolutely positive that it's not His will that you die in a random riot? 

Margery Kempe I'm sure He'd tell me if it were.

Elizabeth Kempe Are you planning on any more travel soon?

Margery Kempe Absolutely not. I hate travel. You know that.

Elizabeth Kempe Yeah, I know. I'll come by later today to see you, OK?

Margery Kempe Bless you, dear, I'll look forward to that!

 


 

Elizabeth Kempe > Benjamin Kempe

1 hr

She's asleep. The front door's unlocked. COME GET HER PASSPORT.