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The Lisa Armstrong Show

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*Lisa bursts onto the frame of the show, jumping off the desk headfirst into the headpiece of the set,

screaming while free form jazz is being played by a bunch of young muscular white guys.*

Grabbing the lead players guitar, Lisa then attempts to slam her desk with it, but it is revealed

that the desk is actually bouncy, reflecting the guitar back at her and hitting her in the face.

Now with a black eye, Lisa then runs back into the band, grabbing a gun out of her pocket and pointing it at the head guitarist,

questioning whether she really is alive, and is even capable of rational thoughts or beliefs, before giving

the gun to the lead guitarist and demanding that he shoot her. The lead guitarist starts crying, which prompts every

other band member to pull out machine guns, violently shooting her with very real looking rounds.

It then cuts to her face down on the floor, where without moving, she starts chanting in Latin and levitating upwards,

calling on Lovecraftian forces to free her from the prison of existence. The band is huddled in fear now, as they realize

the implications of what is happening. As all of the furniture has now caught on fire, interns rush in, dousing both Lisa and the furniture

in flame retardant, thus ending the rampage as Lisa floats into the new chair that an intern had placed into mere seconds before.


*Bernard walks onto the set with his full name flashing, after witnessing the insanity of Lisa's Liberal Arts Final,

he was the only one who would dare to try and be Lisa's co-host.*


As Bernard finally sits down, he notices that Lisa is completely asleep, having her face be completely obscured,
due to her extremely long and frazzled hair reducing any visibility of her face to zero.

"Hey." Bernard whispers while poking Lisa. "We gotta do the show..."

Seemingly invigorated, Lisa walks up the mic, and begins her comedic monologue:

"Alright! Yado's the president, we know you control the government with your shadow military and your mind control."

*A distorted laugh track plays as Lisa stares dead into the camera, seemingly unmoved by her own attempt at a joke.

Suddenly, Lisa's face starts to contort into a face of rage, where she begins to scream at the camera.

"I'M EVERYTHING, SOCIETY IS MINE, GIVE ME A FREEDOM." *she starts vehemently pointing at Buzzo* "YOU ARE BUT A


Bernard looks worried at these outbursts, asking: "Have you taken your meds? Without them yo-"

Lisa, glowing red with rage,increduously retorts at the camera: "I DON'T NEED MY MEDS ANYMORE BUZZY, I'M FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! WHY CANT YOU JUST BE FUCKING JOYFUL FOR ME MAN?"

"Okay, Okay..." Bernard says, "if you're happy then I'm happy."

"I'M JOYFUL I'M JOYFUL, I'VE GOT THE JOY IN ME, BUZZY!" *at this point, Lisa's face looks almost heartbroken.*


Bernard cuts in,

"Hey Lisa. Look at me."

*Lisa whips around, almost in a frenzy*

Bernard: "Bitch."

"WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK" cuts onto the screen, as ads start playing.



*We cut back to the show where Bernard is cradling Lisa, as she is sobbing almost uncontrollably into his arms.*

*With another jump cut, Lisa is back on the set and everything seems almost normal.*

"Hello." Lisa remarks coldly. "You know him from The Pointless, give it up for


*the band starts playing, and the camera cuts to curtains, and an older man stumbles through the curtains into
the harsh spotlight, knocking over a poorly places statue, shattering it into pieces*

Alex starts walking over to the set, and when he puts out his hand to shake Lisa's, she extends out her torn up

Yeezys, and shakes Alex's hand with the foot.

Alex starts sitting down, and remarks "hey you know that kind of remi-", before being cut off by Lisa.

"I'm actually in the middle of speaking right now Alex." Lisa retorts, looking at Alex with malice.

"oh I'm sorry, I'll let you finish then".

*Lisa simply sits there, while a band member play one note on an instrument, purposefully off key*

Alex is looking around incredulously, and after give or take 15 seconds, risks another statement:

"So are you gonna ask me questions, or...?" .

*behind him, Bernard grabs Alex's shoulder, causing him to jump up in his chair.

"Jesus! I forgot that you were behind me!"

*the camera briefly cuts to Bernard, who is eating an ice cream sandwich, before going back to Lisa.*

"So tell me Alex, why did you cheat twenty years ago in the 1984 Martial Arts tournament?"

Alex's jaw drops at this question, and all he can manage to say is a very quiet "what?".

"Was it the pressure from knowing that you'd let down Choi Tae, or maybe your girlfriend who didn't bother showing up?"

Alex, still recovering from the bombshell of a question, asks how she could have possibly known that.

Not even acknowledging his question, she continues the onslaught of questions as Bernard simply watches from behind the seat.

"Even when you cheated, you couldn't win, what was even the point? Just to disappoint yourself as well?"

Alex started to wildly look around the room, asking Bernard "What is going on?"

*Bernard responds by cracking his knuckles, and starts taking out a pack of cards to play solitaire*

"Ok! It's time for darkness!" Lisa exclaims with glee, and as stock footage

blasts over the system, the entire set goes dark in an instant.


"Darkness?" Alex bemoans. "What is happening right now?". In his voice, a chuckle, but a very

scared type of laugh comes out.

*Every couple of moments, a light fills the stadium in which an intern dressed up as a joy
mutant slides closer to closer to Alex in the background*

With a strange warm tone, Lisa suddenly takes a great interest in the guest star."So, who's your best friend Alex?"

"Well I guess it would have to be Joel, he got me out of a really bad spot and has stuck with me ever since."

*the mutant draws closer.*

"Oh yea?" Lisa mused, "Bernard did the same thing y'know, and that's why I was best friends with him for a while."

*the mutant is mere inches away from Alex, its grotesque costume is dripping organs and blood all over itself, making

a small squish every time it lurches towards Alex*

"Oh wow, really Bernard? I have no idea how y- AGH!"

*the costumed intern starts jumping on Alex, as it freeze frames on Alex's genuinely terrified look*

"WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK" cuts onto the screen, as ads start playing.

*as the band plays again, we cut to interns dragging away somebody's legs off screen*

*Lisa acts like she's plugged in, and pulls a power cord out of her shirt, while a battery sound plays*


(There was more i could type but this is all i wanted to do lmao)