Work Header

No One Has Ever Had Enough Coffee For Dating Advice

Work Text:


coffee cup with title text

(cover by dapatty)


Download (right click & save) or stream:

MP3   --- M4B

Stiles might be a little over helping superheroes. Specifically, Stiles has exhausted nearly all of his reserve shit-giving dealing with Asgardians and how confused they get with life on Midgard. Even if half the time, he’s pretty sure, that they’re only this oblivious because of how freakin’ advanced Asgard was while being all old-like because of that whole Norse thing. Hell, Stiles doesn’t even help his own pack with shit like this flirting business. He was the go-to-guy for many things and none of them included dating advice.

That being said, Stiles was almost positive that flirting should be easy to pick up with a little observation of the culture. But apparently, Sif still believed that she needed assistance wooing the women of Midgard and a certain one in particular.

“You’re saying that you want to date Darcy?” Stiles asked, trying to smooth his hair back down. He’d been trying not to pull it out for the whole conversation. Mainly because, who the hell thought he was any sort of successful flirt. At. All. He barely had energy to smile half the time at work, let alone work at something like wooing people he came into contact with.

“Yes,” Sif answered, face earnest. “I am humbly asking for your help. Darcy is a complicated woman with many interests ranging from horror films to crochet. She is lovely and intelligent beyond all measure.”

“Darcy is pretty rad,” Stiles agreed. “But why me?”

“Your packmate Malia said that you weren’t terrible at the flirting thing and that you are quite attentive even if you are a ‘bit oblivious in a lot of ways’,” Sif made actual air quotes with her fingers. Stiles was pretty sure that Tony could be blamed for that.

“I think that’s a compliment.” Stiles frowned. “Seriously, though, have you maybe asked anyone else. Like, Tony seems to really know about flirting. Dude’s got some game.”

“Tony Stark is my last choice,” Sif said, scowling.

“Riiiiight,” Stiles sighed. “Look, all I got is talk to her. Like directly. Express your interest. Do that blunt thing you Asgardians are good at. Darcy likes it when people are straightforward. I’m pretty sure.”

“Actually, that’s not bad advice,” Allison offered, sliding up to the counter. She smiled a dimpled smile and Stiles beamed at her. Ally was totally his favorite right now.

“See, even a fellow warrior agrees that using your words is best,” Stiles agreed just as Darcy came through the door. “And if that doesn’t work, trust me that the armor does amazing things for your physique. Not that I’ve been looking. But I’m not blind or dead and the armor does realllly nice things.”

Allison, thankfully, punched him on the arm and he snapped his mouth shut.

“But yes, The talking. You should do that now,” Stiles said, making shooing motions. “Actually, take her this cup of coffee and a muffin. These are her favorite. Then use your words. Eye contact. The whole thing with the talking. You got this.”

“You really are terrible at this,” Derek said, stepping up to the counter beside Allison.

“I have not improved my flirting with age,” Stiles agreed.

“Good thing we think you’re cute,” Allison said and leaned in. Holy shit. She was leaning in with intent and she totally kissed him. On the mouth. With her mouth. And everything.

“What?” Stiles might be a little stunned right now. “Did that happen? Have I fallen asleep at my desk again and Jarvis is seconds away from doing some sort of devious thing to wake me up? The sprinklers would not be a cool thing to happen right now. Seriously. Did you kiss me? You did kiss me. Wait, we?

“Yes, we,” Derek answered, rolling his eyes and then leaned in for his own kiss, his beard tickling Stiles’ cheek.

“The direct approach. Very direct. Quite a bit straightforward. I’m pretty convinced, but I’m open to additional kissing,” Stiles said, trying his best at playing it cool. His stupid grin was anything but cool. “You know, for science. Or something.”

“Shutup Stiles,” Derek said.

“Or we’ll shut you up,” Allison smirked.

“I’m going on break,” Stiles announced, hoping his coworker was somewhere and not like drooling at the sight of Sif and Darcy making out at their table near the windows. “A long break, hopefully with more kissing.”

“Finally,” Kira said, walking in through the back entrance. “Scott owes me $500. I’ll even cover the rest of your shift for you and I don’t even work here.”

“I feel like I should somehow be offended but everything is currently awesome,” Stiles said happily as Derek and Allison hooked their arms in his and started to lead him out of the shop.

“Congratulations Stiles,” Sif tipped her coffee cup. “Midgard is a good place for love and coffee.”

“You are adorable and I’m keeping all of you,” Darcy said and pulled Sif forward by the front of her armor for another kiss.

This summer was clearly gonna be an awesome summer. Even if Stiles could never drink enough coffee to provide anyone dating advice ever again.