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A Moment To Settle My Thoughts

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"Marty!" The British man's head shot up from his phone, where he was trying to text his boyfriend. As he looked up, he locked eyes with the man he hadn't seen in what felt like decades.

"Adam!" He ran forward, forgetting about his suitcase as Adam raced towards him through the crowd of people until they were finally in each other's arms. Marty buried his face in the crook of Adam's neck, breathing in, relishing the scent of his lover. With Adam's arms wrapped around him, it made the last 5 weeks worth it.

"I missed you, baby," Adam muttered, still holding Marty close to him, pulling apart just enough to press a kiss to his lips.

"Missed you so much, darling, you've no idea," Marty told him, kissing him again, before pulling him in tight again.

"Come on, break it up, loverboys. I'm not carrying your stuff all the hotel," Nicks tired voice called out to them as Marty felt the side of a suitcase bounce against his leg. He pulled himself away from Adam, letting Nick and Matt have their hellos. The near 30 hour travel day (with delays and layovers) had all three of them more than a little antsy and overtired. He knew the Bucks were in the same boat he was in though, they would finally be able to see Kenny tomorrow after a month. They decided since it was late, they'd say goodnight for now and meet up for breakfast in the morning. They said their byes, then headed for their separate rooms in the hotel.

"Welcome home," Adam motioned into the (well lived in) hotel room as he opened the door, welcoming Marty into the 200 sqft room that had been his home for the past few weeks.

"I'm surprised, it's quite clean," Everything was put away and organized, but it felt lived in.

"I'm sorry for not having more time to clean up, I meant too, but I fell asleep. Have you slept since Tuesday?" It was Thursday now, 6:41 am, and he had woken up at 11:30 pm Tuesday to get to the airport on time.

"Yeah. Managed a few hours on the flight," Marty dropped his suitcases next to the dresser, not bothering to unpack. He wouldn't be able to sleep, and he knew it. Jet lag sucked. He sat down in the bed, immediately falling back into the soft duvet, a groan escaping as the not-so-subtle weariness crashed into him all at once.

"You good?" The bed shifted and he felt Adam sit next to him. Marty lied there for a moment, closing his eyes and giving his muscles a minute to relax again.

"Peachy," He smiled, opening one eye to look up at Adam. Adam let out a dry laugh, before reaching to the bedside table and handing Marty a bottle of water.

"Come on, drink a bit, you'll feel better." He helped Marty sit up, letting him take a drink. He was glad they didn't have a match tonight, only a signing at 6.

"I can sit up on my own, Page," Marty laughed but accepting the help.

"But you're not going to, and I'm not about to let you dump water all over the bed," Adam let Marty drink, then took the bottle and set it back on the bedside table. Marty pulled his phone out of his pocket as it buzzed, but tossed it onto the footstool. Adam laid back on the bed, hands working their way around Marty's middle, pulling him down on top of him.

"If you wanted to cuddle, you just had to say," Marty laughed as he rolled over to make it more comfortable. They shared a slow, sweet kiss as the peaceful silence of their hotel room enveloped them in their own little world.

"I missed you," Adam mumbled between kisses. Adam's hands traveled to his waist, pulling Marty on top of him.

"Oh, I've missed you too, baby, so much,"

"Did you mean it?"

"Of course. Of course, I missed you-"

"Those texts, Marty." Adam pulled away enough to look Marty in the eye.

"Oh, yeah. Those." Marty and Adam had never had sex. Over the past five weeks, they had had phone sex, Adam telling Marty what to do or whatever, or texted each other, but they'd never actually done it. And Marty had told Adam that once they were together again, he'd finally be ready. He had hoped. Now, he wasn't sure. Don't get him wrong, he loved Adam. More than anything, more than everything. He wanted to give himself to Adam. He just didn't feel right yet.

"Yeah, I did." He nodded. As he spoke the words, it felt like a rock hit him in the gut, but he tried to ignore it. He wanted to be able to do this for Adam, he deserved it. Adam smiled and connected his lips to Marty's neck. They worked a slow rhythm, Adam allowing Marty to set the pace as he worked his hands under his shirt. Marty tried to give himself over to the feelings of Adam's hands on his sides, and his lips across his neck, ignore the rising dread feeling in his bones. His heart beat faster and faster as Adam's hands moved upward, grabbing the hem of Marty's shirt and beginning to pull it off. He broke away, leaning back for enough room to tug the shirt off. The shirt barely cleared his pecs before he couldn't do it.

"Pause!" Marty shouted. Adam's hands paused, and all he heard was the drumming of his heart in his throat. He pulled himself away from his frozen lover, turning and facing away. He let his face drop into his hands.

"Damnit! Damnit, you promised him, Marty, you fucking promised him. Why can't you just do it?" The world sat paused around him, and he paced the room. He tugged his shirt down, then sighed. He wrestled in front of thousands of strangers in nothing more than some glorified underwear and boots, and he was afraid to undress for the man he loved more than anything? Jesus Christ, what was wrong with him? He paced the room, glancing at the clock on the wall, as though assuring himself time was paused, and Adam wasn't just pretending to be frozen. The hands never moved but it didn't help ease Marty's nerves. He leaned heavily against the wall, letting his forehead thump against the beige wallpaper. There was no rational reason Marty could think of. They'd seen each other naked god knows how many times, they had shared locker rooms for years. It was the thought of what he knew would come after, giving himself over to Adam completely. And that's the thing, Marty wasn't a virgin! He'd lost his virginity years ago! And he trusted Adam with his life, so what was so fucking wrong? Why didn't 1+1=2? He collapsed on the bed, groaning. It wasn't an issue of not getting it up, he was well on his way there (but his emotional and mental state wasn't really interested in keeping it though). But, 1+1 wasn't equaling out to 2 as he'd always been taught. It was as though there was some other secret third thing there, that he didn't know about. God, why couldn't he just swallow the fear and do it? Why couldn't he keep his goddamn promise?

"F-fuck it, unpause," Marty muttered, suddenly aware there were tears on his cheeks.

"W-what the fuck? Marty? Marty! Baby, why are you crying? What's wrong?" Adam suddenly sat up, turning to Marty to see his crying form huddled to the edge of the bed, pulling him close. Though Marty wanted to, more than anything, just cuddle with him and let this all blow over, he couldn't.

"I'm s-sorry," Marty stood up, pulling himself out of Adam's arms and sitting down in the chair across the room.

"Marty, if you're not ready, we don't have to. I understand-"

"I don't, though. That's the thing. I shouldn't be scared! I should be able to give myself to you, I love you for christ sakes, and I can't even strip for you!" Marty shouted.

"Sssh, babe, we're still in a hotel." Adam chuckled. Marty just sighed.

"I want to, but I can't. I don't know why, I, I just can't. I'm sorry, Adam, I really am. It's not fair to you-"

"Marty, be quiet. I don't care. Really, truly and honestly, I don't care. If you don't feel ready, we don't have to. I don't want to unless you are 2000% ready. It's not just a me thing, it's for both of us," Adam stood up, walking over and kneeling in front of his boyfriend, "I love you. More than anything, I just want you to be happy, and comfortable. And if you're not comfortable, then we won't. I swear to you, I won't ever make you do anything that you don't want to."

"I know, I love you." Marty wrapped his arms around Adam, and they stayed like that. Near-silent mummers, assurances of love, of belief and caring tossed between them. Slowly but surely, light began to filter through the windows as morning dawned, but Adam just scooped Marty up, laying him in bed. He closed the curtain and made sure to put the 'do not disturb' sign on the door handle, before turning the lights off and crawling into bed. Adam laid a tentative arm over Marty's waist, waiting for a cue from the brit if he needed to stop. Marty let out a quiet mummer, leaning back into Adam's chest. As a dim light slowly filtered through the thin curtain, Adam listened to Marty's breathing slow and even out, until he was finally asleep. Adam pressed a small kiss to his cheek, before letting himself fall asleep as well. In a few hours, they'd be woken by the Bucks and Kenny banging on their door, complaining about being hungry, and they'd have to go about their day, prepare for the show tomorrow, and numerous other things would come up. But for now, they were together, safe, sound, and comfortable. That's all that really matters.