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The Cold Winter's Night

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Once upon a time, Santa was flying his sleigh on Christmas. It felt as if it were a regular trip around the globe in a single night, giving gifts to the good boys and girls all across the world and punishing the bad boys and girls with coal, which was certain to increase their carbon footprint! While flying across a desert that Santa knew was off limits to his magic, he felt an air of suspicion surround the sleigh. The reindeer flew as hard and as fast as they could but Santa still felt in danger… for good reason. A man, who some would describe as a Grinch, that was dressed in a robe and wore a towel on his head and always sounded like he was clearing his throat, decided to interrupt Santa’s Christmas flight! From his funny clothes he pulled out a US Army issued Rocket Propelled Grenade and fired it up at the wooden sleigh. In fear, Santa looked down at this threat and thought “damn you Cheney for arming all of these rebels, if you hadn’t made the naughty list for shooting that man, you are certainly making it after this”. There was a loud crash and Santa’s sleigh trudged on but couldn’t make it and eventually crash landed near the sea with only one sole survivor, Rudolph.

From the wreckage, Rudolph slowly crawled her way out. A nice mensch that lived a little way away saw the smoke and heard the crash. Though he wasn’t surprised at this occurring, since this was quite a regular event where he lived, he decided that he would go and investigate. The mensch walked slowly to the crash and approached many dead reindeer but through the smoke he saw a faint, blinking red light and ran to it. He helped Rudolph to her feet and ushered her to his home, all while Rudolph protested profusely. “No! How are all of the good boys and girls of the world going to get all of their presents and how will all of the bad boys and girls of the world get their coal?!” The mensch felt sorry for Rudolph but stayed silent all while cleaning Rudolph up, which was quite an uncharacteristic thing for the mensch to do, stay silent. Finally he said “Oy vey, what chutzpah you speak of. Many boys and girls don’t get presents every year and they’re fine.” Rudolph cried and cried and cried and she said “But mister, don’t you understand? You found me, you have the responsibility to save Christmas, we can do it together!” The mensch questioned whether or not what Rudolph was saying was a shtick but eventually decided to help. “Oy, I’m not one to be much of a yenta but I’ll help you. What is your name little girl?” “Why you don’t know who I am?! I’m Rudolph? Don’t you see my nose so bright?” The mensch stared at Rudolph and said “I thought you just had a cold. I was going to offer you Matzah Ball soup before we left! Well I’m Heim, let’s move quickly, don’t just shlep around here!”

With that Rudolph and Heim were off. As they were making their way to the nice boys and girls of the world, Rudolph asked just what exactly Heim would give them as a reward, he reached underneath is shirt and pulled out a sack filled with gold coins then looked at Rudolph and said “don’t be a klutz my dear, you’re not the only one with magic”. With that Heim rode around to each house of every nice boy and girl and gave them one little gold coin from his stash of Jew gold, which probably benefitted the children more since gold was going for $1200 an ounce at the time. For each naughty boy and girl of the world he would leave gefilte fish and a little challah bread which was better for the environment. At each house he would eat the cookies as long as they were kosher and although they weren’t black and white cookies, he enjoyed them very much. He didn’t drink the milk because he knew it might upset his stomach. At the end of the night they returned to the mensch’s house far away. Rudolph was extremely tired and Heim offered for her to stay the night. She accepted his invitation and insisted on sleeping in his bed with him.

The mensch was already in his bed when Rudolph came to sleep. She got under the covers and the mensch felt that she was not wearing any clothes. He turned to her and said “Oy Rudolph aren’t you afraid of catching a chill?” Rudolph put her hoof over the mensch’s lips and said “You rode me all night to every boy and girls house but now it’s my turn to ride you”. The mensch was quite surprised at this but did not want to protest. He had felt a strange attraction to Rudolph and though he knew his mother and bubbe would be very upset that Rudolph wasn’t a nice Jewish girl, Heim knew he wanted Rudolph to go on. Rudolph pulled off Heim’s nightgown and was surprised at what she saw. It was so smooth and was not covered by skin like most of the one’s she had ever seen. She began to give him head in the same manner in which reindeer and other deer and equestrian type animals would eat a carrot, but with no teeth of course. She climbed on top of Heim and began to ride him. First quickly but then very slowly. Finally they looked each other in the eyes. The mensch told her that he loved her and he meant it. Rudolph said it back and meant it as well. Next they finished together and it was the greatest feeling the mensch had ever felt. It was pure ecstasy and pure bliss and while Rudolph neighed at the top of her lungs her nose shone the brightest it ever had. It could be seen all the way from Tel Aviv to the West Bank and beyond. They finished and laid beside each other, hand in hoof, until they fell asleep. The next morning the mensch woke up and found nothing but a note which read:

“Heim, thank you for making me feel like the only reindeer in the world (though at that point she was since all the rest had been involved in the crash). I will never forget how you saved Christmas and loved me unconditionally. I had to leave to help rebuild the North Pole and find a new Santa and it was easier to tell you this way over a note. I’d have asked you to be the new Santa but your beard is much too curly at the corners for the children to believe you are Santa. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rudolph”

The mensch cried. He sat there and thought about their trip around the world and how he and Rudolph had known each other biblically (in this case I’d believe it’s more in the Old Testament sense so I guess to him it was Torahlly?). Though he felt much grief about Rudolph leaving, he knew that they would always have that cold winter’s night.