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No Going Back

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Jesse was at the window when Walt arrived. He sprang up and answered the door even before Walt had a chance to knock. As soon as the door was shut behind them, without a word, he fell into Walt's arms. Walt caught him and held him close, relishing his warmth, his softness and his solidity.

"I'm sorry I left you," he said. "Are you okay?"

"I've been going fucking crazy," replied Jesse. "I thought I saw them. Outside, in the street."

"I didn't see anyone out there, Jesse. Come on now, let's sit down, hm?"

They sat quietly together for a few minutes, Walt holding Jesse's hand in his; he could feel the anxiety in him, the fretful energy bubbling beneath the surface.

"I'm glad you came back," Jesse said, breaking their silence.

"So am I."

"Won't this get you in a heap of crap?"

"I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it."

"D'you remember what you said last night?"

"Yes." Walt brought Jesse's hand to his lips. "I remember."

“We really can’t go back, can we?”

"No. I don't think we can."

Walt pulled Jesse into a tight embrace as their lips met in a kiss even more passionate than the previous ones they'd shared. He could feel Jesse's desire growing as he kissed him, like a vibrant, physical entity. It thrilled him, knowing that his attention was its cause.

"I know damn well I should have walked away and kept on going," he said, "but I couldn't help myself. God, Jesse, why d'you have to be such a beautiful pain in the ass!" Walt gave a small smile as he cupped Jesse's face between his palms. "Shall we go to bed?"

***

In noted contrast to the night before, they could see one another now, in the light of day. Jesse pulled the curtains, but a subtle glow still illuminated the room, allowing the sensual act of looking into the mix. There had been a certain mystery, a certain frisson to finding their way in the dark: kissing, touching and caressing each other until they found their blissful release. Now, here they were, in full view as they undressed. It was a new kind of thrilling. Walt found Jesse's eyes meeting his in a gaze that was filled with longing - lustful, emotional, slightly shy; the curious mix that was Jesse - as he revealed his body to him: his slender frame, his smooth skin with its ink embellishments, the face that Walt had begun to find so much pleasure in. He joined Jesse on the bed and took him in his arms, falling headlong all over again. His life was unravelling before his eyes, but right now it felt so beautiful he couldn't find it within himself to panic.

They lay down together and kissed and touched everywhere they could reach. Walt felt Jesse's arousal pushing against his beneath the fabric of their underwear. Craving more contact, he pulled his own off and hoped Jesse would follow. When he did, the first brush of bare flesh against bare flesh sent an intense surge of desire between them. Jesse's lips enticed him into another kiss as they moved together against the covers, increasing the friction, bringing each other closer and closer to the point of no return.

Suddenly, Jesse broke contact and reached into his bedside drawer, taking out a pack of condoms and some lube. As he laid them on the bed beside them, Walt took his hand.

"Jesse... Are you sure?"

Jesse nodded. "You have to start slow though, right? You've gotta put plenty on too."

"I'll be gentle, I promise."

Jesse grabbed a pillow. "Put this under me. It'll make it easier."

His hands shaking slightly, Walt prepared himself and then made Jesse ready. He took in the sight of him as he touched and coaxed him open: the rosy buds of his nipples; the swell of his cock, flushed and proud; his eyes... oh, those eyes, deep blue now, hazy, expectant; breathtaking.

Jesse moaned and bit his lip as the initial tension gave way to acceptance and pleasure.

"Can I... now?" Walt said.

Jesse nodded his consent. "Please."

Walt took his time, moving tantalisingly slowly until he was buried deep. As he began to move, thrusting gently at first, he heard Jesse gasp.

"Is this all right?" he asked. "Are you okay?"

"Mmmmm."

"God, Jesse, you feel so good."

Jesse's breath became ragged and his moans increased in both frequency and volume as Walt continued to thrust inside him. It was powerfully erotic; mutual, intense. When Walt leaned down to kiss Jesse's mouth and Jesse met him halfway, he heard someone groan deep down in their throat as their tongues slid and danced, and then realised it was him. Spirals of pleasure spun in on themselves until they were concentrated on the very centre of their union. Instinct took over then; the primal need for completion took away speech, thought, any awareness except for this, here, now. The feel of Jesse's hand between them as he stroked himself urged Walt on, sending him over the edge, just as the sweet warmth of Jesse's seed splashed wet against his skin.

"Jesse," he murmured as they held on tight to the last waves of pleasure. "Jesse."

He stayed inside for as long as he could, and instantly missed being there when at last he withdrew and rolled over. Jesse lay beside him, still and with his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling. Silence fell between them for a few minutes as they gathered themselves together. As soon as Walt could move again, he leaned in for a kiss.

"Hey."

Jesse opened his eyes. "Hey." Post-coital roses bloomed in his cheeks and his eyes sparkled. Walt's heart squeezed at the sight of him.

"That was wonderful," he said, taking Jesse back into his arms. "Was it good for you?"

"Couldn't you tell?"

"Well..." Walt gave Jesse a playful squeeze. "I hoped you weren't faking it."

"Can I ask you something?" Jesse asked. "It's kinda personal."

"Oh, god... go on."

"Have you ever been with a guy, before me?"

"Oh. Yes. Yes, I have. Once, in college."

"Who was it?"

"A friend. We got a little drunk, fooled around, one thing led to another. I thought it was a one shot thing, but I guess it's just been sleeping all these years, waiting for something, someone, to wake it up."

"Why me?"

Walt sighed. "I really can't put it into words. I can't put it in a neat little box. Nothing is in that neat box right now. But I want you, Jesse, what more can I say? It is what it is. Seeing you hurt yesterday, not knowing what shape you'd be in when they brought you back. Well, I guess that made a few things clearer, but I didn't know it until you kissed me. Am I making any sense?"

"Totally," Jesse said. "Y' know what I said before, that I didn't want to be that guy? I really don't, but I need you. I need this. I can't not want it now I've had it. And it's not just what we did last night, or the way I felt when you were fucking me. It's something more... something else... I don't know."

"I do," Walt replied."I know exactly what you're saying." He kissed Jesse's hair. "Let's get cleaned up. Shall we order some food?"

***

"Mm. This is really good," Jesse said between bites of pizza.

"Actually, it's not bad," Walt conceded. "Not bad at all."

"How long can you stay?"

"Oh, I have a bit more time."

"What do I do if they come back?"

"Call me. They're going to have to deal with me next time."

"Gonna thank them for throwing me out of that car? Got you one hell of a lay."

Walt returned Jesse's grin. "If you recall anything about them. A name, anything. Tell me, okay? However small a detail you think it is."

"One of them had a beard, kinda straggly. I told you that, right? Oh, did I tell you that one of them was big - like, huge?"

"No, you didn't."

"He had a scar, across his cheek."

"Okay..."

"They--."

"What? What, Jesse?"

Jesse dropped the pizza slice he'd been eating back into the box. "They're assholes. That's all."

"Jesse, what exactly did they say to you?"

"Lots of stuff. That they'd come back when I least expect it... that they're gonna take our business. I already told you."

"Anything else? Anything you're keeping from me?"

"No."

Walt watched as Jesse got up to wash his hands, knowing there was something... knew that Jesse would cave eventually, that it would all spill out. He got up and stood behind him at the sink, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"It'll be okay," he said, nuzzling Jesse's neck, pressing kisses against the sensitive skin behind his ear.

Jesse responded, leaning back into Walt, inclining his head to allow him more access. After a few moments, he turned in Walt's embrace. "Wish you could stay the night," he said.

"I can't. This time, I really have to try and get back. But call me if anything happens and I'll be here, okay? Hey, why not go round to your friend's place, maybe stay over so you're not alone? I'll call you tomorrow, whatever happens. And, god knows, I'll be thinking about you tonight."

Jesse grinned. "What about me?"

Walt touched his fingers to Jesse's cheek. "Everything."

***

Walt got into his car and got ready, once again, to return to his other life. He felt as though he'd climbed through the looking glass, and now it was time to step back through it. He looked up at the window and waved. Jesse waved back and then disappeared into the house.

Walt took a breath and let it out slowly. "Come on, Walt, stop it now. He'll be fine."

But will you?

Walt started up the car. "I have absolutely no idea."

He was maybe ten minutes into the journey when he spotted two guys in a parked pick up truck: the one in the driver's seat had a beard; the other one was, well, pretty big. They looked at him in a way that indicated they knew who he was, and his gut told him exactly who they were. The image of Jesse being pushed out of the car came rushing back to him and an intense, unallayed anger welled in his chest.

"Right," he said aloud. "Time's up, assholes. I want my fucking money!"

Walt pulled over to dial Jesse's number, watching the truck while he waited for him to answer. The sound of Jesse's voice sent a fresh shot of adrenaline through his veins. He met the gaze of his adversaries once more and narrowed his eyes.

"Jesse, I think I've found them."