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Collateral Damage

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New message from Romy:

“Are you up for a trip to Amsterdam next weekend? 2 days of chill and relaxation.”


“Sounds good, but need to find another date? I’m moving next weekend.”

New message from Romy:

“Moving? What are you talking about?”


“I’m in Ludwigsburg. Just signed a lease for a place here.”

My phone began ringing immediately. I chuckled.

“Hi Romy”

“What the hell, Kay? Who moves from Stuttgart to lame-ass Ludwigsburg?”

“I guess I do?”

“Shit, is this about that straight guy you have the hots for?”

No use in pretending with her.

“Yeah, though I’m not sure how straight he is. I’ve arranged a transfer to his unit.”

I can imagine her shaking her head while she says,

“You’re crazy, you know that? I hope he’s worth it.”

So do I, I thought to myself.


I requested the transfer on a whim. But even later when I thought about it, there wasn’t anything holding me back. Ludwigsburg was a half hour away so I’d be close enough to see my family or friends, and going after him felt exciting. I hadn’t stopped thinking about him since I got back from training.
After living with the dull feeling of nothing to look forward to for the past few months, I just couldn’t resist taking my chances on this. You only live once.
I figured he wouldn’t be thrilled to see me, considering how he’d run away in the woods. But I knew in my bones that once we were around each other again, it’d force him to get past whatever’s holding him back. I was convinced a little push in the right direction was all he needed, then we’d be able to find out what this thing we’d started could become.

What kept me going was the memory of his kisses. Once he’d stopped fighting me in the woods, he had kissed me with such abandon, such desperation, I could still feel the ghost of his soft lips against mine at night… and those moans. They didn’t lie.


He set clear ground rules on my first day on the Ludwigsburg anti-riot police unit. He was pretending he barely knew me. Not the welcome I would’ve liked, but since I did surprise him on his own turf, I decided to play along. Let him feel like he has some control over the situation.
He looked just as sexy and angry as I remembered during those first few days at the academy. All huff and scowls in my direction. So when he came at me in the locker room, it was so laughably predictable, I couldn’t help but feel a sliver of amusement watching him lose it, even if it was my head he was slamming into the locker. Still the same Marc.


Over the next few days, it became clear he was closing himself off to me. Whenever we were in the same room, all I felt from his direction was tension and aggression. Even when I’d make eye contact during a lecture or debrief, he’d look back at me with anger. It was discouraging, but we’d been through this act before…I just wondered how much longer he would keep up the pretense, masking his desire with rage.
Most of the other guys on the unit followed his lead. Since he was the one who knew me from the academy, and was clearly not happy I was there, the rest of them didn’t go out of their way to be friendly either. I wasn’t used to that. Not to brag, but anywhere I’d gone before, I’d always commanded a certain level of interest from those around me.


Here that interest came from a single source – one of the few women in the unit, Britt was the prettiest one, and she was definitely interested. Since I had nothing better to do, no one else to hang with, I went along with it. Having a beer with Britt at the canteen was more appealing than going home alone after my shift.
And that’s how I found myself at the bowling alley with Britt that first Friday night in Ludwigsburg. Not my first choice of recreational activities, but judging by how popular the place was, I guessed it was big with the locals.


Seeing Marc with his about-to-burst-pregnant girlfriend was a rude awakening, for sure. Not once in the 10 days we’d shared cramped quarters at the academy had that idiot mentioned a girlfriend, let alone a pregnant one. When I found his eyes, instead of an apology, I found him looking defiant, self-righteous even. Asshole.
That evening, bowling and drinking in the idyllic small town setting gave me a new appreciation of the term surreal. Just me, the guy I’d followed out her hoping to seduce, and the mother of his future kid.


Romy was going to have a field day when I told her about this.


Finding a moment alone with Marc wasn’t easy with Britt hanging on my every word, and Marc nestled in the safe, warm hold of his girlfriend. Finally, I followed him to the men’s room, and gave him a chance to say something. Explain. Shout. Apologize. Anything.
He looked right at me, held my gaze and muttered smugly, “So. Now you know.”


Ok, so I’d been wrong. Ludwigsburg and Marc weren’t about to fulfill on the promise I’d been hoping they would. With a girlfriend, baby on the way, and so deep in the closet he probably couldn’t find his way out even if he wanted to, I was ready to give up on Marc.
I decided I was done with the pursuit. No harm no foul.
I’d wait out the next 6 months and ask for another transfer.


On Saturday I had to get out of there. I fled the suffocating confines of Ludwigsburg to Romy’s.

“You really have to stay there the full 6 months? Can’t you just tell them you hate the place and want to go back to your old unit?” in my sister’s world, rules and policies meant nothing.

“Who says my old unit wants me back? I just up and left them with barely any notice.”

We were sitting at an outdoor table at Paulaner am Kirchplatz in leinfelden-echterdingen, drinking beers, waiting for a few of her friends to join.

She hugged my shoulder and brought out the big guns, my childhood nickname she’d given me, “I’m sorry it turned out this way Kay-Kay. I know you were really into that guy.”

Then, her brow furrowed quizzically, “I just don’t get why he never mentioned her.”

She hit on the million dollar question I couldn’t stop asking myself. “Maybe he thought it was none of my business. To be fair, he didn’t know I’d chase him down to Ludwigsburg.” I sighed and she gave me a consoling look and squeezed my arm.

“We’ll just have to make sure the next 6 months go by fast. How about Amsterdam next weekend?” her soft blond curls bopped up and down and she raised her eyebrows, trying to entice me.

I gave her a sad smile, “I have to work. I’ll let you know when I have a free weekend.”


By the following week, I’d stopped trying to catch his eye, sneak glances, or find opportunities to be around him. Still, Marc’s demeanor towards me hadn’t changed at all. His physical discomfort in my presence was so obvious, I had started wondering how the others failed to notice it. Or were they used to these types of temper tantrums from him? How little I knew about this man who was the reason I was there.


That week, he went after me at Jiu Jitsu practice. I had an immediate déjà vu to the academy simulation, when he’d pretty much pulled the exact same shit. He really was predictable. I shrugged it off. He was blowing off steam, probably scared, worried I’d blab about us, or god knows what. Fuck if I know what he was thinking. So I decided to just tell him I’d back off, get him to chill so that the next 6 months until my next transfer won’t be so confrontational.


Later, when we were alone in the locker room, I acknowledged that it had been a dumb idea to come there. He readily agreed as I expected him to, but when he looked at me, I saw that gaze again. The same one I’d seen in his eyes when we were running in the woods. Equal measures dread and anticipation. I hadn’t seen him look at me that way since my first day there, when he’d slammed me against the locker.


That gaze got to me…it always did. Because of his gaze, instead of telling him I’d back off, I found myself putting out one more piece of bait in front of him, a final attempt to draw him in…promising myself this would be the end of it. If he doesn’t take it, I’d be done here.
“If you do want to go jogging sometime…”


It took him three days to call.
By then I’d pretty much resigned myself to the original plan. Suck it up for 6 months and bail.
When I picked up, he sounded hesitant, all certainty and smugness gone from his voice.

“Hi, Kay? It’s Marc.”

“I know.”

“I thought maybe, if you want, we could um, go jogging together?” he stammered but managed to get it out.

I smiled. “I have a route not far from my place in the woods. It’s nice. Secluded.”

“I can meet you there in 20 minutes,” he said so quickly it was almost comical.

“Now?” had he not been outdoors today? “it’s pouring.”

“Never mind.” I could tell he thought it was a rejection.

“I’ll be there. 20 minutes.”


I’d been waiting at the spot where we’d agreed to meet for a good 10 minutes before his VW Golf appeared. I had just started wondering if he might have changed his mind, but no, he made it. I remember sitting in my car for another minute, just to see what he’d do. When I noticed he wasn’t getting out of the car, I decided to meet him halfway.

This had to be his decision, I knew that, so I wasn’t about to initiate any physical contact or even a conversation between us. But I figured that being the first to step out of the car was a simple gesture I could offer to ease him along. I walked out into the downpour with nothing but my hood shielding me and rested my back against my jeep.

Your move, Marc.

Within a few seconds he also came out of his car wearing shorts and a navy blue hoodie. He approached me with a determined gait, walked right up till he was facing me. I could see some hesitance in his expression, unsure about what the next move should be, maybe even hoping I’d do it for him. But no, I wasn’t about to make this as easy for him as the first time. If he wanted it, he had to be the one coming for it, he had to acknowledge that he wanted this too, at least to himself. And to me.

I jutted my chin out at him, wordlessly challenging him, in a gesture that meant “now what, pussy?”
That was all it took.
He closed the distance between us, cupped the side of my face and started kissing me, hard. He claimed my mouth, his tongue moving swiftly, almost savagely, as he panted from the thrill of it.
I could hear a little victory song playing in my mind. After the past 2 weeks of pretending he wanted nothing to do with me, I finally have him where I want him. And I got him to come to me, this time.


We pulled apart and I gave him an amused grin. An “I knew it all along” grin. He attacked my mouth again, but this time he flipped me around and slammed me against the car, then pulled my hood off and leaned his entire body against my back, my ass, my thighs. I could feel his hard cock through the thin fabric of his shorts. It was exhilarating. And unexpected. Mr. Straightlace making such a bold move? He was grinding against me from behind but I sensed his uncertainty as to where to go from there. I figured by now he’d proven to both of us that he wanted this, so I decided it would serve us both if I were to give him a helping hand, teach him what to do. I twisted a bit to tug at his shorts, indicating for him to pull them off, as I pulled mine off, and guided him in.


Goddamn, it burned when he pushed into me like that. Both of us leaning against the car, him barely knowing what to do, slamming into me as hard as he could, no lube, no prep. But I knew it’d be worth every ounce of pain because a moment later, I bucked back against him to steady his rhythm and we found our groove. It didn’t take long for him to shoot deep inside me, which was the first time I realized we forgot to use a fucking condom. Shit. At least I knew where his dick had been for the past 5 years, and it wasn’t up random men’s asses at clubs.


It wasn’t until he slipped out that it suddenly dawned on us that we were standing outside in the pouring rain when we had a perfectly warm and dry jeep to climb into. I grabbed his hand before he’d have a chance to overthink or to wake up from any trance he might be in, like last time. I needed more from him this time. I wasn’t ready for this to be it.
Luckily, he followed me into the car willingly, licking and nipping at my neck, as I removed what was left of his clothes, and he did the same to mine. We kept kissing frantically, never disentangling even for a moment, until we were settled on the passenger’s seat, me on my back and him naked on top of me.


I remember thinking this was it. The reason I followed him to Ludwigsburg.
His body felt so good against mine, so warm, so weighty, so right.


By now I was in such dire need for release, I grabbed both our cocks and stroked them together, as we both spasmed to the delicious friction of skin against skin, cock against cock. Marc threw his head back in pleasure and one of those intoxicating husky moans escaped his lips, which was all I needed to come all over his taut stomach. I was still shaking from the wave I’d ridden but kept stroking him at the same frantic speed. I crushed my mouth onto his for an intense kiss, tasting every corner of his tongue and mouth, as he came in my hand.


We collapsed against each other, both spent and satisfied. We held each other in silence, and I still remember thinking how different he was this time, how willing, like an eager student. We must have lay in each other’s arms for about 10 minutes, breathing each other in, basking in the afterglow of our first time. And then I felt him begin to twitch until he was wriggling uncomfortably against me. A moment later he sat up and leaned forward to allow me to shift over to the driver’s side.
Wordlessly, we cleaned ourselves up quickly and pulled our boxer briefs back on, then continued sitting there in complete silence as I lit my after-sex joint.


He looked uncomfortable, sitting beside me, still shirtless. I could tell he was processing what we’d just done. What he’d just done with me.
“Everything ok?” I didn’t want to lose him to these doubts and fears again.
He gave me a quick confused glance and nodded, unconvincingly.
I offered him a drag, trying to lull him back into our little bubble of intimacy, but it was no use. It had already popped.


He grabbed his t-shirt, put his sneakers on, and was ready to go. He gave me a look that I wasn’t sure how to interpret: content? Pleased? Sheepish? I still needed to learn Marc’s many different expressions.
He swung the car door open and stepped outside without as much as a word to me.

Shit, what’s wrong with this guy? He doesn’t seem to have basic human communication skills.

The one thought looping through my mind was:

Don’t let him leave like this, don’t let him pretend this was meaningless!

“It was really nice,” I said, hoping to sound sincere, as he stepped outside my jeep.

That stopped him, he swung back around to look at me, and gave me a small conspiratorial grin before walking back to his car.