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and that's in pieces too

Summary:

Jiang Cheng kind of wishes he could have a crush on someone go decently, or that he could get some decent advice. But his siblings are disasters, when it comes to romance, and he isn't faring much better.

Notes:

Jiang Cheng character study that started with me thinking about what a bi disaster he is, when he's trying so very hard to be distinguished and put together. Somewhat inspired by this post on tumblr.

Update: There's a companion story to this, it could be easy, where Jiang Cheng's love life is a little more optimistic.

Work Text:

Jiang Cheng always ends up here. Following Wei Wuxian around. It’s like a fact of life, and whether there’s a way to counteract it or not, it’s what life keeps inevitably falling back into. Wei Wuxian acts like he’s the center of the world, and it's like the charisma alone drags Jiang Cheng in over and over with it’s gravity. Regardless of any efforts to exist otherwise.

Not that Jiang Cheng doesn’t want to be here. In a way, it’s too much fun not to be - Wei Wuxian is inevitably going to get himself into trouble, and make a mess, and it’s going to be hilarious. It’s going to be a show, a wild ride - and it’s definitely why Nie Huaisang’s here. 

Jiang Cheng sort of wonders if a small part of the reason Nie Huaisang is here, is that he might have a crush on Wei Wuxian. Maybe he thinks he’ll get somewhere with that.

It’s a stupid thought, it’s not like it matters. Not that it would surprise Jiang Cheng in the least - the both of them keep exchanging these absolutely shameless volumes with each other (Wei Wuxian showing Jiang Cheng for quick moments, then laughing and insisting it’s better not to corrupt his poor weary mind, and Jiang Cheng too annoyed with his immaturity about it all to consider actually protesting and maybe… trying to glance at the pages a bit longer). The two of them went fishing the other day, fell in the river, both got soaked - and Jiang Cheng thinks it isn’t hard to imagine that Nie Huaisang might have half-schemed the whole thing just to see Wei Wuxian’s body as it got clung to and exposed through the soaking translucent white of the robes. Not that any of that matters.

Not once Lan Wangji is around.

Then Wei Wuxian won’t shut his big mouth. He wouldn’t shut it, even if Hanguang-jun came up to them and started swinging his sword at Wei Wuxian’s throat. He’d just laugh, probably, and dodge in that devil-may-care way of his, like it’s nothing, like he’s beyond it all, and then get himself into deeper trouble by fighting back.

Even to an idiot, it’s painstakingly obvious when Lan Wangji is near, that his two companions stop whatever else it is they’re paying attention to, and moon after him like he’s the sun, and the sky - and an absolutely illicit illustration, like the ones they’re definitely sneaking peeks of at night, within the volumes Nie Huaisang brought with him to Cloud Recesses. 

Indeed, it’s so clear on their faces it’s despicable, and it’s obvious Lan Wangji sees it there too when he runs into them all - because he always looks, so fucking angry. 

So wildly beyond furious that it’s turned into something cold, every time Wei Wuxian even moves within the presence of Lan Wangji’s peripheral senses. Of course Wei Wuxian bragged about managing to get the great Hanguang-jun to curse at him. Of course that idiot, with too much confidence, somehow thought earning that kind of irk was an accomplishment

Wei Wuxian’s got absolutely no chance with the guy. If he thinks he does, then he’s beyond an idiot.

But, this is Wei Wuxian. And Wei Wuxian’s got so much pride he could probably drown the world with it. So he just keeps smiling and provoking the man, over and over. He might actually, be so utterly stupid, that he isn’t even aware of what he’s doing. 

Actually, Jiang Cheng thinks that’s exactly the case.

He goes to his sister, once, to lament about it. The beautiful Wen Qing exits his sister’s room, and meets his eyes as he leaves, and it makes him stutter on the very breaths he’s taking. It makes his cheeks heat up, just being so close to her, so surprised to run into her.

He can’t help it. She’s something otherworldly - she’s so much.

Then she looks back, meeting shijie’s warm gaze wishing her farewell, and Jiang Cheng feels his heart sting a little. Because even though his sister is just looking in that way she always does, so compassionate and warm - he irrationally wishes he could be the one looking that openly adoring right now. Instead of the fool with his feet stuck to the ground, body rigid and terrified like a mouse about to be scooped into the claws of an eagle, eyes wide and locked on Wen Qing and brain absolutely empty.

If only he could smile like Jiang Yanli, then it wouldn’t matter that he can’t say anything clever right now. Or anything at all.

He tries hard to manage a smile at Wen Qing as she leaves, and he hopes he accomplishes it.

After he talks to his sister, he realizes what a hopeless idea it was.

He doesn’t know if his sister likes Wen Qing - well, that way , the way he’s fairly certain he does, because he can’t exactly ignore how his stomach tries to murder him with butterflies when he catches sight of her - but he finds that idea the most desirable after all, compared to the alternatives. He doesn’t know what the future holds for his life. But he knows the responsibilities of leading a clan, of keeping all those people alive and protected, are a lot more valuable than pretty faces.

Even if the person who is beautiful, is shiningly worthwhile on the inside as well - there are still more important things. And right now, Wen Qing seems determined that whatever she is working on is certainly more important than engaging with him. She’s probably right. 

And Jiang Cheng isn’t an idiot - he can feel the tension stirring, outside from the rest of the world, leaking in rumors to Cloud Recesses, darkening the skies. He knows that mess Wen Chao made when he last came to this place isn’t over. Jiang Cheng realizes this crush of his is tangled into things that might become messy later. So if he doesn’t indulge it, if he just hangs back and puts it off for some other time, that might be the best course after all.

It’s more important to study right now, as depressing as that is. As much as Wei Wuxian probably doesn’t see it that way (whether the fool knows he has a crush or not), because Wei Wuxian always thinks its a good time to make a mess and cause a scene and entertain himself. 

When he says that opinion to shijie, she laughs. Her voice is musical as ever, a soothing wave hitting the shore in soft rhythm. 

Anyway, if his sister likes Wen Qing, it might be for the best. Miss Wen is nice to his sister, and has helped her out a few times, bringing helpful things and sweet attention to her when she’s gotten sick - making up for when Jiang Cheng has been too busy, and Wei Wuxian has been in too much trouble, for them to be there for her as often as they should be. They owe shijie the world.

And shijie’s other crush is a nightmare. A stupid golden peacock who might as easily fall off a cliff from his own idiocy and pride at assuming the air would hold him standing upright, as much as it could be from someone finally getting tired enough of him to shove him off the ground. 

When Jiang Cheng was younger, he used to think his sister was the definition of perfection. She is, most of the time. She definitely deserves the world and more.

But she’s not really much more put together than the rest of them, when it really comes down to it. Jin Zixuan is the shining, agonizing example of that. Wei Wuxian’s got the right idea, wanting to beat the guy’s head in. 

Although, Jiang Cheng’s level-headed enough to know they can’t actually do that. Probably shouldn’t do that. It would probably piss off the Jin clan, and that would not be so great for mom and dad to deal with.

Still, someone needs to teach that guy a lesson at some point. 

But Jiang Yanli likes him so much. Every time she sees that peacock, she loses her ability to speak and just stares - probably a decent rendition of how Jiang Cheng looked, just now, watching Miss Wen leave. Then his sister, she lets Jin Zixuan say such rude things, and more often than not she orders her brothers to ignore those things. No matter what they are! Once, he caught sight of his sister being held by Jin Zixuan - which was suspicious, scandalous, on its own, with his sister leaning back and staring up at him and his eyes guiltily staring back at her like budding blossoms - then he’d dropped her! Some other Jin clan members had come over, and Jin Zixuan had dropped his sister!

Then later, Jiang Yanli had ordered Jiang Cheng to do absolutely nothing about it. To ignore it, to pretend he never saw it. To not tell Wei Wuxian - which was the hardest demand of all, possibly, because Wei Wuxian was bound to ask. And this was exactly the kind of thing Jiang Cheng would like to bring up to him, and get him to start a giant mess of a retribution over!

If Jiang Cheng is honest with himself… his sister really isn’t much less of a mess in love than the rest of them. She’s just the most put together of the three of them, when her crush isn’t around. He doesn’t really think… shijie could help him with romance.

 

---

 

So, maybe Jiang Cheng stares at Lan Xichen with adoration in his eyes. So what? Who on this earth wouldn’t do such a thing, if they were blessed to meet such a man? It’s no one else’s business.

It’s certainly not Wei Wuxian’s - and Jiang Cheng thinks back to that night (which he’s unwilling to admit was actually fun, actually awesome, until Lan Wangji caught up to them), and how Wei Wuxian started roasting him alive in between drinks. “No one is able to meet your standards. Beauty, natural beauty. Virtuous and caring. Comes from a good family, shouldn’t be too talkative, and has a gentle voice -”

Whether Wei Wuxian is really just that blatantly tragically oblivious, or coming for his life and his pride to speak words until they drowned him in embarrassment, Jiang Cheng had hated that Wei Wuxian had exposed him like that. When you live your whole life thinking your brother doesn’t listen to you, only to realize he does happen to pay attention - when it’s going to bury you in a grave because it's supposed to be something that stays private!

When they follow behind Zewu-jun, to help him and Hanguang-jun with the night hunt, Jiang Cheng isn’t sure if Wei Wuxian is aware of how much he’s trying to impress Lan Xichen (and secretly admire him), or if Wei Wuxian is just naturally gifted at trying to ruin the reputation of the entire associated Jiang clan just by being attached to his mischief. 

Lan Xichen is a revelation. He’s so kind, and brilliant, and gentle. When he looks at Jiang Cheng its as warm and perfect as shijie saying she loves him with her gaze alone, but different. Indescribably different, almost bafflingly too much. Because it’s far too intimate a feeling, to heat up and twist inside so much from someone’s approving gaze - from almost a stranger’s. But that’s what Lan Xichen’s presence does to him, when the man gives him attention. It makes him crave more, desperate to do better, prove himself again and again.

He wants to be worth that gaze, that endless adoration - that he is certain he bleeds back out, regardless of if he’s trying to hide it or not. He doesn’t think he’s trying to hide it. 

He has no idea how he’d approach Zewu-jun anyway. How he would go about courting such a prospect. His siblings are the opposite of help - and it would be suicide to let Wei Wuxian know anything more than he might already have accidentally discovered, or guessed, or decided to tease about. Way too big of a risk.

So Jiang Cheng flounders. Hesitates - because he isn’t sure what else to do, when faced with such an impossibly perfect man. And, because he is ever so brilliant, Lan Xichen never acts as if there is any rush, any need to move forward one way or the other. He just continues to treat Jiang Cheng like a delicate flower, and a brilliant sharp sword all at once - radiant and talented and with the potential for growth, potential that is timeless and can be given all it’s due time to blossom. Lan Xichen is timeless and stable in a world that otherwise only seems to become more and more chaotic, spinning further off balance the longer Jiang Cheng is alive.

At any rate, Jiang Cheng thinks, at least, he’s managing to be respectful about his crush. Even if he isn’t doing anything particularly productive about it. It’s not like he’s doing anything but giving the utmost respect to the object of his affections, offering his help without want or need for anything but that overwhelming approval - Lan Xichen is surely thankful for Jiang Cheng’s sweet behavior. Surely, Lan Xichen would declare to anyone, how he appreciates Jiang Cheng - he certainly spares such intoxicatingly praising words to Jiang Cheng. 

Jiang Cheng has no idea how he ends up stuck to Wei Wuxian’s side, dragged into his messes over and over! Why can’t he get tangled up into Lan Xichen’s instead? Instead of getting yanked into the hurricane that is Wei Wuxian and then spewed back out, each time more wrecked and roughed up than the last. Because Wei Wuxian is always one-upping himself.

Why does Lan Xichen have to look at that one boy, who has no status, like he has hearts in his eyes? That should be Jiang Cheng! He should be the one gazing into that burning sun, on it’s receiving end, stuck there by it’s power and left wanting, and being filled with the radiance of it all. 

But - to be fair, Jiang Cheng reasons, Lan Xichen is just that kind. So, of course he’s endlessly appreciative, even to that Meng Yao. It’s just… Jiang Cheng wishes so much, that Lan Xichen appreciated Jiang Cheng especially, in particular, and not just because Lan Xichen is that way with everyone. 

 

--- 

 

It’s still a better situation, he supposes, then his mess of an older brother’s! Wei Wuxian flirted so much, and in such insulting ways, to such an esteemed person as Lan Wangji! And somehow - Lan Wangji still fell for him.

And Jiang Cheng had to watch that for years, and somehow his bastard of a brother managed to win that love, and doesn’t even fucking realize it’s there . Then he has to go and put Lan Xichen, Jiang Cheng, and their shijie, through all their mini-breakups and it’s such a travesty. Looking at Lan Xichen, over the shoulders of their respective brothers, and both knowing these fools are a hair's breadth away from both fighting and kissing, wears down on the nerves. Wei Wuxian’s the jerk that’s putting them through all this.

Jiang Cheng kind of wishes he could have a crush on someone go decently, or that he could get some decent advice. 

He actually - he hopes subtly, but it’s probably so obvious that it’s a horrible decision to ask at all - goes to Lan Xichen for help in how to deal with romance. 

And Lan Xichen doesn’t tell him anything worthwhile at all… but the worst part, is Lan Xichen certainly does not answer as if he suspects this is Jiang Cheng’s awful way of confessing to him. Which, even though Jiang Cheng was horrified he’d be too obvious - now, it hurts.

It hurts that either Lan Xichen so thoroughly does not think of him that way, that the thought of Jiang Cheng crushing on him doesn’t even cross his mind - or else Lan Xichen is so completely uninterested in him as a partner, that he refuses to acknowledge those feelings altogether.

Later that day, of course, Jiang Cheng sees Lan Xichen walking behind Nie Mingjue - with that Meng Yao (Jin Guangyao now) at his side, smiling secretly, and receiving a beaming smile in return from Lan Xichen. Lan Xichen reaches out to touch Jin Guangyao’s back, so very delicately, as they go up the stairs to follow behind Nie Mingjue - as if to help Jin Guangyao up. And all it is, is that - a delicate innocuous touch. Just like the grazes of skin Lan Xichen sometimes meets Jiang Cheng with, when touching his hand or arm encouragingly during a meeting between clans. 

But it looks so much more - intent - up there on the stairs, with Lan Xichen just as graceful as ever, but so clearly consumed with his focus on the man beside him. It’s like Nie Mingjue ahead of them doesn’t even exist, and it’s near impossible to ignore a man like him, with a presence like his. Yet somehow, they manage to, locked into a world of their own. 

They reach the top of the stairs, and Lan Xichen’s hand falls, as if embarrassed. Like if it flees then he can pretend he never held onto Jin Guangyao’s back for so many long moments. And as it flees, Jin Guangyao’s lips quirk minutely, impossible to read, a secret expression that is so small it must be inferred. His glinting eyes catch Lan Xichen’s, unblinking, and Lan Xichen blushes as he meets that gaze and lets it keep holding onto him. Holding him prisoner.

Even now, Lan Xichen looks at Jin Guangyao and somehow it’s different.

Somehow it reminds Jiang Cheng that he never had a chance. That all he was ever going to get, was the appreciation that everyone gets.

But not the heat, not whatever hidden brightness Lan Xichen has locked up inside, saving only for someone special. 

Jiang Cheng is not that person.

He thinks back to Wei Wuxian, and the mess he’s into with Lan Wangji, and it makes his skin burn. That being the disaster he is, Wei Wuxian has still somehow found that - won over that kind of intimate compassion, from a man who by all rights should have hated him, by doing only the worst things Wei Wuxian’s capable of doing. 

How can Wei Wuxian be so utterly unrestrained, and get all that? And here is Jiang Cheng, with nothing but his pride.