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Bitch, I'm Harry Potter

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“Potter what the fuck?!” exclaimed Draco, his eyes as wide as saucers. The ride to Hogwarts had been fairly uneventful, he’d sat with Blaise and Pansy and exchanged small talk - anxiety rising about the start of their eighth year, if all three of them had been honest they weren’t really sure what kind of reception they’d receive. They’d made for the Great Hall upon arrival, Pansy had been insistent she needed to find out what the rumor mill were spouting since the students seemed to be whispering about something, but others moved away when they got close.

When they’d finally figured out what the gossip was, they’d put it down to idiots making up ridiculous things about their favourite boy hero. Well, Draco couldn’t have been more wrong. Not ten minutes ago, Harry Potter had thumped into the Great Hall equipped with the most ridiculous looking skateboard, which appeared to be spray painted with a snake on it - Draco couldn’t see exactly what it was, but he had a sneaky suspicion it was a snake. Not only that, his hair seemed to be the brightest turquoise, he blinked twice - sure he was seeing things.

Instead of robes, Potter seemed to be sporting the tightest pair of black jeans he’d ever laid his eyes upon. It should’ve been illegal how tight they were. A black skin tight t-shirt with the word “vans” across his sizeable chest, Draco inwardly cursed himself. On his feet seemed to be what Draco could only describe as checkered sandshoes. Potter had grinned at his friends and gave them a salute as he began to ride around performing some fairly impressive stunts along the aisles.

After he’d seemingly gotten bored of that, he jumped up on to the end of the Slytherin table and began to ride the skateboard along the table, sending cups, plates, cutlery and saucers flying at all angles. When he stopped just beside Malfoy, the screech of the skateboard halting was enough to set his teeth on edge. “Alright Malfoy.” Harry gave him a dopey smile and a salute. Draco’s heart skipped a beat before he then scowled at Potter.

“Again, Potter. What the fuck?” he grumbled, trying to look as put out as he possibly could - to no avail. This just made Potter laugh. “D’ya like my skateboard?” he winked. Draco coughed violently and shook his head, tears springing to his eyes. “Oh, sure, great..” he mumbled after finally calming down. “Aha, I knew you did. You dirty bastard.” he winked again, before setting off down the table once again.

“Mr Potter!” Professor McGonnagall bellowed, her face like thunder. “Take that wooden contraption out of here this instant.” Harry, who had jumped off the end of the table and wandlessly accio’d his skateboard, saluted McGonagall too. “Right you are Professor.” he smirked, before exiting the Great Hall. The only sound that followed was the rolling sound of Potter’s ridiculous skateboard.

“Well this is going to be an interesting year.” Blaise smirked.




It had been three days since the Great Hall event and Draco had to admit, Potter was definitely attractive. He’d cursed himself several times at the thought, preferring to endlessly glare at the now turquoise haired saviour.

His antics had only gotten worse, he actually seemed to make it his life's mission to annoy Draco as much as he possibly could, which to his credit was excellent karma for the previous years. Draco groaned at the amount of time he’d wasted trying to irritate Potter, since he seemed to be dishing it back tenfold.

Concentrating on the cauldron seated in front of him, Draco arranged his ingredients on the table before him, desperately trying to ignore the turquoise idiot beside him. “Malfoy, your potion looks wrong.” Harry had nudged his elbow in to him. Raising an eyebrow, Draco turned his head towards the Gryffindor and sighed. “It’s fine.” he mumbled in response. “Nope, it’s wrong, it’s supposed to be more potiony.”

“More.. Potiony?” he frowned, his eye twitching. “It’s a fucking potion, you can’t get more potiony than a potion!” he bellowed. “Nah, I think it should be more potiony.” he once again commented, looking in to the cauldron with vague interest. “This is soup.”

“Soup?” he spluttered, growing more infuriated by the second. “It’s… Soup? No, Fuck Potter.” Harry smirked at the obviously riled Draco and raised his eyes suggestively. “Ooh, you offering?”

Blushing violently, Draco quickly turned his head away. “Just shut up Potter” he bit out, adding another ingredient into the cauldron. “Excellently done Malfoy, ten points to Slytherfin.” Harry teased. Prodding a finger in to his side. “Slytherin.” Draco corrected, immediately scolding himself. “Slytherfin, I read it in Hogwarts a Bitchery.”

Harry then began to quietly sing the lyrics to Eurythmics ‘Sweet Dreams’ Draco facepalmed.




The next day was no better, Potter sauntered into the Great Hall wearing a t-shirt adorning a dabbing skeleton, a pair of jeans, similar to the ones he usually wore except these ones had down the side of the leg ‘Fuck Bitches Get Money’

“Is he mental, or has had Imperio cast on him?” Draco commented, shaking his head in disbelief. In Potter's hand was a black round contraption. Over at the Gryffindor table he received a few whoops of praise. Draco rolled his eyes.

Placing the metal box down onto the table, Potter began smashing buttons violently, a look of pure concentration on his face. What came blaring out of the box stunned Draco. Potter then jumped up on to the Gryffindor table and began doing some sort of elaborate dance routine, following him was Seamus and Dean.

“He’s drunk, clearly.” Blaise commented. Pure disbelief on all three of their faces. Pansy laughed. “He has to be doesn’t he?” she replied.

The song was clearly Buy U A Drank by T-Pain, though Draco was unaware of this. Jumping down off the table, Harry jogged towards the Slytherin table and stopped in front of Draco with a wide grin on his face. He then began to belt out “Baby girl, what’s your name? Lemme talk to ya, lemme buy u a drank, I’m HP you know me.” Draco stared up at him wide eyed, blushing deeply. “What the fuck are you doing now, Potter?” he shouted, whilst coughing. His voice came out more of a squeak than anything else.

“I’m checking your body language, I love the conversation and when you lick your lips I get a tingle of sensation.” He did an elaborate crotch rocking motion at the end. Draco dropped his head with a thud to the table.

“What the fuck.” he whispered to himself in pure disbelief. “Yas Potter, nice moves.” Pansy praised, standing up she began to dance along with him. Blaise, who was just as stunned as Draco nudged him. “What the fuck.” Blaise copied.

“Worlds gone mad, I don’t know.” he groaned, not raising his head. After a few minutes, the song changed. It really wasn’t the day for McGonnagall to be absent from the Great Hall.

Harry then ran around the table and grabbed a hold of Draco’s arm, lifting him up. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t resisting Potter, but soon he was stood in front of him, there was no point in hiding his blush at this point, he was well and truly fucked.

“No I'm not tryin' to be rude, but hey, pretty slytherfin, I'm feelin' you, the way you do the things you do remind me of my Lexus coupé. That's why I'm all up in your grill, tryin' to get you to a hotel, You must be a football coach, the way you got me playin' the field” he sung whilst he bashed his hip off Malfoy. Other students seemed to begin to join in with the dancing, much to Draco’s mortification. “Can you not?” Draco groaned, shaking his head at Potter who shrugged his shoulders.

“Ya hot, what can I say?” he winked, licked his bottom lip and jogged way, leaving Draco with a semi and a soul destroyed look on his face.




Draco was wrong, today was definitely the worst day. He’d dropped his bag about five times now after spontaneous wolf whistling occurred whenever a student seen him. He even went to the bathroom to check his appearance. He was beginning to feel completely paranoid, peering round corners like an actual stalker.

When he arrived to his class, which happened to be Divination - he walked through the door and once again received the fright of his life as his classmates started wolf whistling to him again, dropping his books for the sixth time. “Fuck sake.” he grumbled as he bent over to retrieve them. Suddenly, out of nowhere Potter lent over from his seat and sung out “Ohhh no, I think I’m catching feelings.” making an elaborate pointing motion towards Draco’s arse.

It really was the worst day to wear his pressed linen suit. Since McGonnagall had announced eighth years would not have to wear their robes, he mostly wore a suit every day. Even Draco knew his arse looked on point in these trousers. After awkwardly picking his books up, he scanned the room to find Pansy, his eyes widening at the scene. Pansy was stood up, ushering him over wearing a PVC skater skirt, a crop top, adorning a flower crown on her head. “What the fuck are you wearing?” He whispered as he sat down in the seat next to her, she carefully smoothed her skirt before sitting next to him. “I’m looking fly, bro.” she whispered back. Draco felt like he was on another planet. Since when did Pansy wear THAT, or say THAT.

“Worlds gone mad.”

As Trelawney began to start the class, Draco zoned out. He really wasn’t the slightest bit interested in Divination this year, and she seemed to have one of those voices that put you to sleep. Unfortunately he was pulled out of his daydream by a loud screech, his eyes moved to the perpetrator, of course it was Potter.

“I had a vision!” he exclaimed, an amused look on his face. Ron, who was sitting beside him smirked. “Oh no mate, what is it?!” he asked, sarcasm dripping. “It was so real!” Harry added, a hint of laughter in his voice. He then turned his attention to Draco, who groaned. “My vision, oh my god, Draco we’re married. Oh wow. You’re fit naked.” he winked, before sitting down. “Call me maybe?”

Draco ran a hand through his perfectly styled hair. Two can play that game, Draco thought. “Definitely Potter, you’re pretty fit yourself.” he winked back, it startled Harry for a moment before he made a heart with his hands and blew a kiss to Draco. Copying his movements, Draco sent him a hand sign heart back then made to catch the kiss. “So sweet Potter, my heart is melting.” he drawled.

Ron began to laugh beside Harry, nudging his friend in the side. “You got him mate.” he grinned. Though he immediately raised an eyebrow as he noticed a blush forming on Harry’s cheeks, his friend was still staring over at Malfoy who’d turned his attention back to the teacher.

“Really?! Malfoy?!” he whispered. Harry shrugged his shoulders in response.