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camelFace has joined the chat


camelFace: hey i was wondering if you guys could give me some help?


trappist1_: uhhhh it depends what do you need


camelFace: i’m doing a research project for uni on demonology historiography and i found something kinda funky. my friend said you guys tend to know a lot about a pretty big array of subjects when it comes to demons


trappist1_: oh! youre in luck i think jo was just here


johannesjohanna: ahahahaha yes im here and i can help you 

                are you a demonology student


camelFace: nah im actually getting a bs in computer science but i had an open time slot and the professor got great reviews

            I’m jasper (h) by the way! 


johannesjohanna: oh thats so cool! I’m Jo (t), ive got a phd in post-transcendental studies and most of my work is in the field of occult history, so you actually managed to come on the forum at the perfect time. Whats up?


camelFace: thank you so much! ok so i got sucked down a bit of a research rabbit hole for this final project thats like a survey of post-transcendental accounts of summonings

            It’s not supposed to be super in-depth, i just got really into it

            anyway my uni actually has a lot of really old demonology history books in the library (we’re kind of known for our MOS program at least here in the UK) and I went and got a bunch of scans

            i’ve been kind of skimming through them cause they’re actually super interesting as primary sources in their own right, and i noticed that aside from linguistic differences they kind of all talk about various demons in the same way 

            like ‘oh yeah in 2432 guy mcbloke summoned Arania the Toothed and all hellfire rained down because Arania the Toothed likes toasting humans lightly before having a munch’


johannesjohanna: lol yeah that sounds like mid-millenium histories


camelFace: ikr its actually kind of funny

            anyway the thing is i realized that there’s a major exception

            theres one demon who is described in WILDLY different terms depending on the vague time period??? I think??? thats the only correlation i can find


johannesjohanna: alcor?


camelFace: yes! whats the deal with alcor??? literally the first thing our prof did on the first day of class was give us a list of the ten demons to NOT SUMMON UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE and he was Public Enemy Number One. cause of, you know, things like what happened last january. 

            but then im reading all these books from the late 2200s or the 2700s or whatever and theyre all like ‘yeah i summoned alcor one time and we binge-watched action flicks before he gave my daughter a magic puppy’

            I mean not quite. but like. In demon terms, you know what i mean. 


johannesjohanna: yeahhhh so thats a weird one

                theres actually a lot of really interesting scholarship on this that i can recommend if you’re interested? My friend liese wrote a paper on alcor a few years back that can probably answer a lot of your questions

                but the short of it is that alcor hasn’t always been the full-on fire and brimstone torture dude he is now


trappist1_: jo i dont wanna butt in but i gotta cause this is really interesting-- what about california??? that was pretty damn fire and brimstone!


camelFace: i’m gonna seem really dumb but i only just got into this stuff so uhhh what is california?


johannesjohanna: ohhhhh boy


trappist1_: oh god 


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gilgamesh: oh boy oh god?


trappist1_: we caught ourselves a live one but now we have to explain california to him


gilgamesh: holy shit


camelFace: *waves* hello! I’m jasper! I dont know what california is and now im getting a little nervous about finding out!


gilgamesh: are you


            in a sound enough emotional state right now that you can take some heavy shit?


camelFace: oh my god im freaking out just tell me or im gonna look it up


trappist1_: okay so you know the bit of northern mexico that juts into the ocean


camelFace: the californian archipelago?


            that california

            what happened there with alcor?


johannesjohanna: very good question! historians are still trying to figure it out


trappist1_: uh…. long story short it wasn’t always an archipelago


camelFace: wh



gilgamesh: yeahhhhhh


johannesjohanna: estimates put the death toll anywhere from 40 million to 100 million if you count all of the tsunami and earthquake deaths




johannesjohanna: yeah


camelFace: wait… is that what the incident of 2038 is?? cause ive seen that reference a few times but i hadn’t looked it up yet


gilgamesh: yeah thats the one

            also im milner (t) its nice to see a new face on the feed!


trappist1_: yeah sorry its so quiet rn most of the regulars are asleep

            and im feliciana (s)


camelFace: nice to meet you guys! thank you for being so welcoming. 


johannesjohanna: anyway do you want the rundown on what Liese calls the Alcor Problem


camelFace: yes please


johannesjohanna: alright so the deal is that as far as anyone can tell alcor goes through phases. when the academics really get going over a pint or two we tend to sort them into categories: Hermit, Evil, Troll, and YFND (Your Friendly Neighbourhood Demon). you did NOT hear that from me because that is not appropriate scholarly lingo and while the folks across the pond might get away with calling Xiaxiarshar a “lovable scamp,” at least here in Hesse we would not get published if we got a rep for casual demon mockery. 


trappist1_: who called xiaxiarshar a lovable scamp?


johannesjohanna: some Yale prof writing for the demonological journal of the pacific


trappist1_: oh that tracks


johannesjohanna: yeah 


                these moods seem to last centuries and are pretty self-explanatory-- although just a brief reminder that we are talking about what is ostensibly the most powerful creature operational today, so even the YFND mode is pretty sketchy by human standards of morality


gilgamesh: hey


johannesjohanna: ahhh im really sorry milner. by any societally acceptable standards of morality.


trappist1_: just a quick interjection cause i think it’s important-- if you havent read the rules yet jasper, this forum is a safe space for preters and hate speech will get you automatically banned. Just wanted to let you know.


camelFace: nah no worries im half vampire im not some fucken pro nat


gilgamesh: yoooo im not the only vamp here now?? I love this! youre my new best friend


camelFace: ahaha yesss

            anyway jo what were you saying?


johannesjohanna: basically we can look at summoning records and other events throughout history and get a pretty good map of what phase alcor was in at the time. for a really long time (like...300 years) he was in Troll Mode but then for the last century or so he’s been sinking deeper and deeper into Evil Mode. hence the Do Not Summon At All Costs thing


camelFace: yikes

            so what happens if you summon him?


johannesjohanna: at this point? you pretty much die. not necessarily right away, but like… i knew a colleague a while back at wittenberg who summoned alcor like two decades before i met him and made some kind of deal that he would never tell us. but whatever it was he was living in constant fear of the day that alcor would come to take his soul. the guy literally thought about nothing else, he was terrifying to be around. i was a postdoc at the time and i think knowing him really shaped how i see demons. I hadnt quite understood before that that they feed off of suffering and fear in a very literal way. It was almost a mercy that the dude finally died.


camelFace: what happened to him?


johannesjohanna: don’t know exactly. I can guess, though. I know a person who saw his body and trust me, you do not want me to describe it to you. 


camelFace: jesus


johannesjohanna: yeah sorry for getting a little dark there


camelFace: i mean i kind of knew

            like even i know about what happened back in january


gilgamesh: god that was so sad


johannesjohanna: let that be a lesson to never mess up your warding symbols


camelFace: oh is that what happened?


johannesjohanna: yup. bunch of north carolina college kids get drunk, aren’t paying attention to what they draw… presto. one frat house full of miscellaneous body parts coming up.


trappist1_: jo could you not


johannesjohanna: yeah sorry you tend to get kind of numb to this when you study demonology as long as i have :/ 


camelFace: okay ive got to sleep soon but ive got another quick question if you wouldnt mind?


johannesjohanna: go for it


camelFace: could you perform a digital summoning?


gilgamesh: what


camelFace: could you perform a digital summoning and summon the alcor virus instead of alcor?


johannesjohanna: hey slow down kid youre kinda freaking me out here


camelFace: just hypothetically 


trappist1_: ive literally never heard of someone doing that


gilgamesh: why would you /want/ to summon the alcor virus


camelFace: well, if what jo is talking about is true then the alcor virus was probably created during a Troll period


johannesjohanna: oh god please for the love of christ do not use my inappropriately casual terminology in an actual serious fashion


camelFace: so if you wanted something from alcor but summoning would result in death then could you try to deal with the alcor virus instead?


trappist1_: okay leaving aside the obvious issues here, it’s not like the alcor virus was created by alcor 




trappist1_: jo WHAT ARENT YOU SAYING


johannesjohanna: theres some very niche, very obscure scholarship that suggests it might have been


gilgamesh: what the fuck


johannesjohanna: its by no means an accepted theory but it does have its supporters and some of them are well respected scholars within the field


trappist1_: okay so first of all WHAT THE FUCK but second of all jasper its still a VIRUS not a DEMON


gilgamesh: and third of all please for the love of god don’t try to summon it


camelFace: im talking hypothetically


johannesjohanna: are you really


camelFace: yes!


johannesjohanna: really really


camelFace: YES


camelFace: but i was just thinking, if you absolutely had to summon a powerful demon, and you wanted to deal with an alcor who wasn’t quite as violent as he is currently-- could you do a digital summoning?


johannesjohanna: i don’t see how you could do that… you’d need a sacrifice and for the last hundred years or so alcor has only really responded to blood sacrifices


camelFace: well the goal is to not get alcor himself

            or, you know, the goal would HYPOTHETICALLY be to not get alcor himself


gilgamesh: ...nice cover.


johannesjohanna: but what would you use as a sacrifice to fuel the virus

                It’s a virus, not a demon itself


camelFace: are you sure? I’m a pretty good programmer, and i can tell you that viruses just...don’t behave like that


johannesjohanna: okay i don’t know anything about computers you’re going to have to extrapolate


camelFace: viruses shouldn’t be able to get into anything that doesn’t have a cpu


johannesjohanna: uhuh


camelFace: but there are records of the alcor virus taking over things like cars BEFORE cars were self-driving


johannesjohanna: you’re going to have to spell this out for me, i’m a technological illiterate


camelFace: i think the alcor virus makes a pretense of being purely technological, but if it were just a bunch of matrices, then it would not have been able to do a lot of the things it’s done across history

            which means it has a magical sentience

            and what’s the word for something that has no physical form, operates through only a limited sphere (ie summoning circles or, in this case, computers), and disobeys the laws of physics through magic?


gilgamesh: ...holy shit


johannesjohanna: but then what fuels it? demons all require fuel for their magic


camelFace: well, what fuels alcor?

            that’s not a rhetorical question, i genuinely don’t know


trappist1_: blood? Candy bars when he’s in his YFND phase?


johannesjohanna: havoc

                things not being the way they should

                (and also blood)


camelFace: i rest my case


trappist1_: hey guys i know we’re safe until the folks on the other side of the pond wake up, but i’m not sure we should keep all this stuff on the forum


johannesjohanna: yeah. everyone delete all their previous messages, i’ll create a private chat and invite you all to join. No one discuss this with anyone else, understood?


trappist1_: thank you jo


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camelFace: alright


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gilgamesh: jo this is kind of freaking me out


johannesjohanna: yeah im starting to get concerned, genuinely


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johannesjohanna created the chat


johannesjohanna named the chat ‘Concerning Discussions’


johannesjohanna added trappist1_, gilgamesh, and camelFace


johannesjohanna: Alright, so first off, I’m going to put on my serious academic adult hat and tell you guys that I’m actually kind of scared about this. Jasper, you seem to have put a lot more thought into this than you implied at the beginning of our conversation. 


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gilgamesh: oh no jo is using proper punctuation you know they’re mad


johannesjohanna: I’m not mad. I’m very, very worried. 


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camelFace: im not trying to cause trouble


johannesjohanna: Do you understand that this is very, very dangerous stuff to mess around with EVEN if you have years of demonology training?


camelFace: yes


johannesjohanna: so, honestly-- and there are no repercussions for being honest, it’s not illegal to summon a demon-- were you planning to try and summon alcor and/or the virus?


camelFace: it’s not what you think


gilgamesh: jesus feckin christ


camelFace: it’s not for me

            it’s for my mum

            she’s... not doing too well


trappist1_: oh god


johannesjohanna: i’m really sorry, jasper

                but please listen to me when i say that there’s no happy ending to this if you summon a demon and make a deal


camelFace: i don’t care about getting out of it alive

            I’ll sell my soul, i dont care

            I just want to deal with a demon who will keep their end of the bargain without trickery or wordplay

            I want to know that even if i die, mum will be fine


johannesjohanna: Jasper, I think you need to talk to a professional.


camelFace: i’m not depressed or suicidal, i promise

            I really don’t want to die

            But it’s worth it if she lives


trappist1_: are you, like, determined to do this or can we talk you out of it


gilgamesh: please let us talk you out of it


camelFace: either i summon the alcor virus or i summon a full-on demon


johannesjohanna: ….okay. Then at least I will try to help you get this as watertight as possible. 


gilgamesh: i’m staying too. Vamps don’t abandon vamps. 


trappist1_: tbh i really want to see your plan


johannesjohanna: run your plan by us, we can probably help reduce the danger factor by, like, 0.2%


camelFace: so i figured the digital equivalent of blood would be a file containing the things that could ruin my life if they were released online

          I compressed all my most embarrassing data into this pdf:

          (ugh it’s taking forever to send also please don’t peruse it too closely i just want to check if you think this counts)



johannesjohanna: that pornographic Raz McKhereghan fanfiction 




gilgamesh: yeah i think that should definitely count as a blood sacrifice :P


camelFace: and then heres the unicode summoning circle i drew:

            I would love it if you could look over it and tell me if it looks alright

            I really don’t have any demonology experience



johannesjohanna: hold on i’ll take a look and get back to you in a sec


trappist1_: damn this is really well-drawn


camelFace: thanks! I guess?

            anyway, my plan was to embed the secrets pdf inside the summoning circle one and then upload them to the web in a private browser


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          : Yeah, that looks like it should work.


trappist1_: uhhh jo i think the summoning circle fucked up your username cause from my end it doesnt look like you have one


johannesjohanna: ...that’s not me


          : Alternatively, you could just upload both pdfs in the same private web directory. 




          : Which, it may be occurring to you, is exactly what you just did!


camelFace: oh god


          : Close, I’ll give you another guess. 


camelFace: are you the alcor virus?


          : Getting hotter, try again. 





johannesjohanna: Are we talking to Alcor?


camelFace: oh god


          : Bingo! How can I help you guys?


camelFace: This was an accident, I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry. 


          : Well, I’m here now, aren’t I? This was pretty inventive, actually. I’m impressed. 


johannesjohanna: Why did that work? There was no blood!


trappist1_: jo stop please


          : Oh, it worked exactly as you anticipated it would. You just forgot one little thing. 

Come on, ask me what you forgot. Do you have no sense of drama?


camelFace: what did I forget?


          : You forgot that Al-V reports to me. 


Al-V_618: yo


camelFace: wait, so this actually worked to summon the Alcor Virus?


Al-V_618: sure did my dude

          It worked so well i thought dad might like to take a look


          : And I did!

So… Jasper Achebe, do you want to make a deal? 


gilgamesh: don’t 


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gilgamesh: okay, yeah, i should have known that wasn’t going to work


camelFace: don’t worry, you guys, i’m okay with this

            Yes, Alcor, I want to make a deal. 


          : Excellent! And I presume you’re looking for a cure for your mother?


camelFace: I want my mother to live until the age she would have lived without illness, with a quality of living that means that she considers life worth living. I want her to be healthy. 


          : And in return?


camelFace: You can send that pdf to all of my professors and potential employers?


Al-V_618: wait was i not supposed to have already done that

          XD oops!


          : Yeah, sorry, that cat’s already out of the bag. 


camelFace: do you want my soul or my life?


          : That sounds delicious, but why on earth would I want to rob the world of another 72 years of Jasper Achebe bringing nothing but chaos and disorder in whichever academic fields catch his fancy?


camelFace: I don’t know what else i can give you. 

            My youth? My health? My conscience?


          : Now, that’s sounding a lot more like it. 


trappist1_: please leave him alone, mr. alcor. 


          : I’m sorry?


johannesjohanna: He’s just a kid. 

                You used to like kids, according to some scholarship. 


          : Are you citing academic essays at ME?


johannesjohanna: I can if I need to. 

                Koenigsmann, L. “Evolution of Post-Transcendental Alcor Summonings and Implications for Demoniacal Character (orig. Entwicklung der Beschwörung nach transzendentalen Alcoren und Implikationen für den Dämonencharakter)”. Western European Occult Journal, Vol. 768 Issue 32, April 3134. Dämonologisches Tagebuch von Hessen, Vol. 87 Issue 14, February 3134.

              There you go. 


Al-V_618: wow, you really went and did that


camelFace: I appreciate it, Jo, but it’s okay. 


johannesjohanna: If I don’t try and help a university kid down on his luck in my area of expertise, then all my scholarship is meaningless. 


Al-V_618: oh no you guys he’s doing his crazy laugh ahahaha

        oh boy he’s really getting into it

        this is gonna be FUN


camelFace: Mr. Alcor?


Al-V_618: you know it’s funny cause you guys are actually right


        oh no he’s stopped laughing. now he looks pensive

        I think i made him pensive 



          : Jo Schulz? 


johannesjohanna: ...yes?


          : You’re alright. 


johannesjohanna: Thank you?


Al-V_618: nooooo i kicked him out of his funk on accident

          and it was such a good funk! It’s been ~217.6533 years and running of bloody murder!


          : Okay, Jasper Achebe, I’ve got a deal for you. 


camelFace: Yes?


          : I’ll give you everything you want for your mother. 


camelFace: And in return?


          : I’m getting there. In return, you delete that summoning circle and never, ever tell anyone about this. 


camelFace: Is that it?


          : No I also want you to write a program to summon Xantharius the Corpsereaper repeatedly all over the world because he really pissed me off recently


camelFace: ...I can do that if you can guarantee Xantharius won’t trace it back to me. 


Al-V_618: what do you take me for, a search engine? 


          : You’ll be safe on that front. 


camelFace: Alright. 

        Um, how do we do this?


          : Just hold on a sec, my hand should stick out from your computer screen soon. Just give me a handshake. 

    And there we go!

    Pleasure doing business with you. 

    Also, you have a pop quiz in your Graphics class tomorrow. 


camelFace: Thanks?


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trappist1_: holy shit


gilgamesh: jesus fucking christ


johannesjohanna: christus in diesem gottverdammten jammertal






johannesjohanna: i’m actually crying that was the most incredible thing i’ve ever witnessed


camelFace: jo i think you saved my life


johannesjohanna: oh god liese is going to FLIP HER SHIT when she finds out i cited her article in a chat with fucking ALCOR


camelFace: hey guys i did NOT intend for this conversation to result in actually summoning alcor but i want to say thank you 

            I’ll thank you guys again tomorrow but right now i have to call my mom


trappist1_: oh god yes please do 


gilgamesh: and please let us know if she’s okay


camelFace: i will


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trappist1_: jo are you ok?


johannesjohanna: yeah

                I’m better than okay

                That was incredible 


trappist1_: jo i think you just gave a demon a crisis of conscience


johannesjohanna: i think it’s a little more complicated than that but


                I think the field of demonology has it all wrong when it comes to alcor

                He has MORALS

                Im certain of it

                He might forget them for centuries, but he has them


gilgamesh: this is definitely a conversation to have tomorrow but right now i have to go scream into the shower


trappist1_: yeah same


johannesjohanna: im going to call liese 


gilgamesh: good night, you guys. 


trappist1_: congrats on not dying


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It was 22:35 when Liese Koenigsmann got the call. She glared at the lockscreen for a moment before reluctantly clicking the answer button.

“What is it, Jo?” she said, awkwardly shuffling the frying pan with her left hand. “I know it’s late, but I’m making dinner, so if it could wait--”

There was a moment’s silence.

“I’m sorry,” said Liese Koenigsmann, dinner forgotten. “Could you repeat what you just said?”