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Chopper vs. the Angry Soulmate Goose

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in the cargo bay of the Ghost, the soulmate goose is screaming at chopper. chopper's arms are raised. chopper is screaming back at the soulmate goose. title reads "Chopper vs. the Angry Soulmate Goose - written by bedlamsbard & reena_jenkins, read by isweedan & reena_jenkins"

Coverartist: reena_jenkins

Length: 00:14:30

MOBILE STREAMING LINK | 17.8 MB

DOWNLOAD MP3 (RIGHT-CLICK, SAVE-AS)

 

i just had the MOST GLORIOUS IDEA EVER and i was too pumped to write it down so here, have a minute of audio

[ goose audio:

I just had an idea: the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement…….plus Star Wars. Your soulmate could be on another planet - you know how it’s gonna get you there? By being an Angry Goose, trapped in your ship! You CANNOT ESCAPE.

It is an Angry Goose IN THE VENTS. It is an Angry Goose IN THE ‘FRESHER. It is an Angry Goose, pecking at your knees while you try to….update the navcomputer.

I AM SO PLEASED WITH THIS IDEA.

Like, I don’t even know who the soulmates would be, just the idea of tHE ANGRIEST GOOSE.

Oh no - what if it’s early days Hera? And the Angry Goose shows up and it’s try to get her to find Kanan on, uh, fuckit what’s the name of the planet in New Dawn? BUT ACTUALLY ……THE ANGRY GOOSE. GETS IN A FIGHT WITH CHOPPER. OVER WHO COULD BE THE ANGRIEST.

Chopper has extra arms for slapping, but geese have SERRATED TONGUES.

This is beautiful.

I’m so proud of this.

This might be my one, defining moment of Star Wars fandom: Chopper Versus The Angry Goose. ]

 

OMG
YES

ANGRY
GOOSE
IN THE VENTS
angry goose HAS MET HIS MATCH
CHOPPER WILL NOT STAND FOR SOME OTHER BEING
FLAPPING AROUND
BEING MORE ANGRY THAN CHOPPER IS
only chopper is allowed to crash into hera's legs repeatedly for no real reason
not this fowl imposter

oh my god poor Hera
Hera is in hell
hell is full of flying feathers
and screaming

ahahahahahahahaahaha YES
and then she gets to gorse
and she FINALLY meets kanan
and the goose calms down
and hera's like, THIS ASSHOLE???
because early days kanan is not so good at first impressions
and hera possibly tries to blaster the goose AND chopper

Hera is done! Done!
a Goose on Gorse

amazing
goose feathers in the lounge
goose poop in the halls

noooooooo poor Hera!

do geese smell a certain way? because goose stink is probably not something the air filters have to deal with very often

OH NO

spontaneous generation of soulmate-enforicng geese as a side effect of hyperspace travel
they tell you to watch out for the purrgils
they never mention the goose

oh no I guess Kanan and Hera are just going to have to make out to get the goose to vanish
tragic
does Hera KNOW it is a soulmate enforcing goose or just a goose?

HERA DOESN'T KNOW
hera is just like
what did i ever do so wrong in my life
why am i suffering from a goose AND a chopper

are...are the goose a Force secret only the Jedi know.

I LIKE THAT
the only time it stops trying to bite through her flight suit is when she's within arm's distance of kanan
so hera's using kanan as a meat shield to protect from the goose

Kanan Knows That Goose (but only from legends)

and kanan's like OH NO MASTER BILABA WAS RIGHT

on the bright side Kanan has it bad for Hera from Day One
on the other hand "the goose thinks we're soulmates" is actually not a good pickup line.

of all the things that make kanan re-accept his jedi-ness, he didn't expect a GOOSE
how would you even say that, in ANY kind of smooth manner
like
wasn't kanan working in a bar?
the goose stalking his work hours is a health code violation

to be fair Kanan says sadly to Hera, "I do jobs!"
Kanan was working as an explosives hauler and occasionally moonlighting as a bartender.
to be fair I think that bar was a health code violation
are there health codes in Star Wars

nope
nor are there osha regulations of any kind

"maybe if we make out the goose will go away!" is not going to please Hera.
Hera Has A Job To Do, Thank You.

noooooooo kanan TRY HARDER
:D :D :D

Hera tries to make the goose peck Kanan! it obviously likes him! stay with him!

and of course, chopper is still trying to prove that he is The Most Irritating Being in hera's life
hera is basically shoving kanan into the goose's path

oh no you know how in AND Kanan flirts with Rae Sloane

yes....

what if Kanan flirting with Rae Sloane is what sets the goose on him.

YES PLZ

the goose will not stand for this!

the goose has STANDARDS, kanan
this whole book is a series of near-misses, from the goose's perspective

finally Hera can know peace watching the goose attack Kanan while the Imperials laugh at him.
for five whole minutes until the Imps finally get bored and leave.
and then the goose is like "did you get the message? will you kiss the girl now?"

ohhhhhhhh yes
that is a glorious mental image
hera and kanan keep Not Kissing
ALSO
kanan having a crisis over how to explain the Jedi Importance of the Soulmate Goose to hera
without mentioning soulmates or jedi

"I know how to make the goose go away but you're not going to like it."
Hera does not like it.
oh no what if the goose will only briefly go away if they make out but if they don't KEEP making out the goose will COME BACK.
BE IN LOVE, DAMN IT.

it's the goose of ENFORECMENT
It has to Enforce
hera thinks she's goose-proofed the ghost AND YET
(the recurring goose appearance is GLORIOUS, this is Next Level Soulmate Goose)

the Ghoost

THE GOOSE TAKES TO FLAPPING UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAY
HERA AND KANAN ARE TRAPPED IN THE SAME BEDROOM

BE IN LOVE, DAMN IT.
/screams the goose

the ghoost is my new favorite

Chopper tries to space the goose

of course he does

they're in space! where is the goose coming from!

the goose doesn't have a hyperdrive. it can travel faster than light powered by pure spite

Hera is just so confused and Kanan is trying to explain it to her in a way that doesn't make him sound like he just wants to get into her pants.
I mean, he does want to get into her pants, but he doesn't want her to sleep with him because goose.

also, one day they're gonna have to tell this story to someone as their meetcute. the phrase BECAUSE GOOSE will feature heavily
he wants hera to want HIM
kanan needs to do the wooing montage
and it's REALLY HARD when a goose keeps whacking you in the kneecaps

he tries to have a Serious Conversation with the goose
geese are not romantic! he wants to be romantic!

(10 years later, ezra keeps the shinguard on because the goose is sTILL popping by unanounced)
kanan's life has met a new low
he never expected to be crouched in a maintenance closet, having a serious conversation with a goose

(Hera Is Harassed By The Goose Into Making A Declaration when she's trying to run a rebellion here)

and the goose is EYEING kanan
like he'd make a good snack

(oh...no. I just made myself sad.)
(after certain...events...the goose does not reappear.)
NOPE GO BACK TO MEAN GOOSE TIME

FIX-IT POWERS OF THE GOOSE. THE GOOSE SHOWS UP ON TOP OF THE BOOM SCENE AND KNOCKS KANAN OUT OF THE WAY SO HE'S FINE
HERA KINDA MOURNS THE GOOSE?
BUT THEN THE NEXT TIME THEY ENTER HYPERSPACE, THE GOOSE COMES SCREAMING OUT OF THE FRESHER
AND EVERYONE IS GLAD TO BE HARASSED BY THE GOOSE AGAIN

THE GOOSE WILL NOT ALLOW KANAN TO DIE
oh no goose v. loth-wolf showdown

even lothwolves are respectfully afraid of the goose

The Goose Enters The World Between Worlds
the goose vs. morai

ahahahahaahahhaahh

Ahsoka: "you can't save your ma --"

the goose just FLYING THROUGH THE PORTAL
BOAM

THE GHOOSE: FLIES DIRECTLY INTO THE PORTAL

GOOSE TIME

Ezra: "we don't argue with the goose."

the dramatic "kanan's last sight" thing, except it's THE GOOSE WE SEE REFLECTED IN KANAN'S EYES
and then safety, et ectera
Ezra: i thought kanan said the goose was a jedi thing. shouldn't you know this?

Ahsoka, panicked: THE GOOSE ISN'T REAL
except she probably saw A Goose being really mad at Anakin and Obi-Wan and Padme sometimes.

ahahahaha YES SHE DID

Hera hugs the goose
oh god Jacen raised by goose.

Jacen: where do babies come from?
kanan: well, sometimes when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…..
hera: a goose parks itself in the hallway outside their cabin for three days straight, and mommy and daddy have to eat the stale ration bars under mommy’s bunk.

oh god what did the goose do to chopper that he couldn't rescue them!
did the goose space Chopper and Chopper has been rocketing after the Ghost trying to catch up
Kanan, yelling at the goose through the door: "THIS ISN'T ROMANTIC!"

Orrrrr is it possible
that at this point in the multiple years of the goose showing up
that chopper and the goose have TEAMED UP

OH NO
it's too bad they can't weaponize the goose against the empire!
*horrified pause while they both consider who would be Palpatine's soulmate*

oh lordy
although it DOES make a good distraction for stormtroopers

Hera picking up the goose and hurling it towards the stormtroopers before grabbing Kanan's hand and skedaddling

ahahahahahhahahahahhaha YEET THE GOOSE

the goose staying gone for a bit is how they actually start making out. a desperate "I guess we're alive! and the goose is gone!" kiss.

and of course, just as hera & kanan let their guard down long enough to get to the heavy petting stage
there's a loud HONNNNK from the vent above the bed
ceilinggoose is always watching

GOOSE THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF YOUR JOB

goose is doing Too Good of a job

"lie back and think of the goose" is not what Hera wants to hear at any time.
goose night.

my face hurts from smiling
this is amazing
HONK

:D
HONK

[the end]