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I Am A Feeling Machine

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He remembered picking out Shouta’s collars, each of them.

The first hadn’t been anything special, a cheap, simple band they’d started using occasionally after a conversation about Shouta’s desire for something to keep him grounded, a constant reminder of giving himself over.

But it became a ritual for them, bringing it out for every scene. Hizashi mentioned the idea once of something official, something high-quality and nice looking, framing it as a ‘what if’, and dropped the matter entirely, waiting until weeks later when Shouta brought it up. When Hizashi said he’d only been waiting for him to ask, Shouta had provided a very compelling argument with his request to be officially collared.

They’d gone online, Hizashi insisting on something custom-made, and agonizing over the plethora of options had given him the idea for two collars—one for when either of them needed the release, another for when they just wanted to have fun. The first was plain, a strip of white leather with a single silver ring in front. The play collar, according to Shouta, was a gaudy mess, pastel blue on pink, three rings spaced along the front interspersed with small opal gems. But unless they did anything in front of a mirror, Shouta wasn’t the one who had to look at it, so he hadn’t put up much of a fight.

The standing rule was that Shouta couldn’t put them on himself, but could bring either to Hizashi whenever he wanted. The play collar needed no reason, but if he went looking for the white one, Hizashi had stipulated that he’d always need to know why—what it was that had been building up, why he wanted to be brought down.

So Hizashi had some idea what to expect when he came home late one evening to see Shouta kneeling by the entryway, hands resting on his thighs, head bowed, white collar laid out on the floor. Hizashi hesitated, looking him up and down, then removed his shoes before going down on one knee in front of him.

“What’s this about?”

The answer he got was obviously rehearsed, quick and almost monotonous. “Everything that’s been happening this year has left me feeling helpless about things I have no control over, and it’s frustrating.”

To say the school year had been rough would have been more than an understatement. They’d both been stressed, but Shouta had been hit hard in more ways than one.

“I’m not looking for penitence, but I want to be pushed so I can feel something good about myself.”

For a moment Hizashi just watched him, looking for any nervous twitching or shuffling, but Shouta was still, collected. “What if you’re not satisfied with your limits and don’t get pushed as far as you want? Will you end up feeling worse?”

“No.” Emphatic, but calm. “It’s still something I choose, both in asking for it now and,” the slightest hesitation, “if I have to stop.”

Hizashi smiled and leaned in to kiss the top of his head. He picked up the collar and Shouta lifted his head and swept his hair out of the way for him to slip it on and buckle it. He watched Shouta’s hair fall back into place when he pulled his hands away.

“I need to shower before anything.”

“Can I…” Shouta abandoned the thought, shaking his head.

“Hm? You want to join me? I’m just going to rinse my hair out, really, since we’re gonna be back in there afterward.”

“I’ll do it for you.”

Hizashi smiled and cupped Shouta’s cheek and kissed him. “Thank you.”

Shouta took his time stripping them both and rinsing Hizashi’s hair clean of product. They tried to take advantage of evenings when their down time coincided to bathe together as often as possible, but those were rare, so it had been too long since he’d felt Shouta’s fingers carding through the long strands or carefully drying them.

When they moved into the bedroom, he saw that Shouta had already laid out clothes for him. He wasn’t particular about what he wore for a scene, but despite the trappings of his costume, he felt all the leather, studs, and spikes distracted from what he wanted: Shouta focused on nothing but him.

Hizashi got dressed and went over to where Shouta was tucking his leather jacket away, hugging him from behind.

“A few things,” he said in a low voice. “I’m not going to gag you tonight. Wanna hear you.”


“I know we’ve talked about me pushing you into safewording, but it won’t be tonight. But I will be checking in with you, because I know you and I know you’re going to keep telling yourself you can take more.”

Shouta nodded, and Hizashi pressed a small kiss to the back of his neck.

“Anything you don’t want me prodding at?”

“Nothing comes to mind.”

“Anything you want specifically? And I’m actually asking, not so I can tease you by avoiding it.”

He heard a small huff and knew Shouta was smiling. “Make me cry. And…talk down to me, I guess? Sometimes you…I can’t explain, it’s like you’re overly forceful when you order me around as if I won’t listen otherwise.”

Hizashi grinned. “I think I know what you mean,” he said, dragging his nails lightly across Shouta’s skin. “Not that difficult to treat you like a brat when you’re always deciding you want to act like one.”

He felt Shouta shift in his arms just a little and could imagine the expression on his face after so many times of seeing him be embarrassed by how some things could turn him on so quickly, so easily. “I want to feel like I’m just there for you to use,” he muttered.

“I can do that.” He slid his hands to Shouta’s hips. “Go get us some water and wait outside the door.”

Shouta waited until Hizashi was done kissing his neck before leaving. Hizashi deliberately took his time setting out everything he planned on using, eventually going to grab the water bottle Shouta had placed next to him on the floor. He shut the door behind him, leaving Shouta kneeling just outside, and flopped onto the bed, vaguely reviewing what he had planned but mostly just wanting to make Shouta wait.

When he opened the door again, he saw Shouta shift incrementally, like he’d started to relax. He waited, just watching despite knowing Shouta wouldn’t show any signs of impatience.

“Come on,” he said eventually. Shouta started to rise and Hizashi made an admonishing noise, holding his hand up, and Shouta froze, looking up at him. “Don’t get up.”

Shouta’s gaze quickly dropped to the floor and he crawled after Hizashi as he walked backward until he was at the foot of the bed. Shouta stopped in front of him, sitting back and resting his hands on his thighs, head bowed.

“Only one rule tonight,” Hizashi said, combing gently through Shouta’s hair.

“Don’t cum without permission.”

“Good boy.” Hizashi patted the top of his head and stepped away to grab his first toy. “Spread your legs,” he said as he kneeled in front of Shouta, who angled his thighs apart.

He glanced at Shouta’s face as he secured the metal ring around his balls and saw he was already slightly pink. Hizashi couldn’t help the smile that sprung to his face as he slid the cage onto Shouta’s cock and fastened the two pieces together. He remembered how Shouta had blushed when he’d first brought up the idea, sending a link despite being across the room. Shouta had glared at him, then picked up his phone and flushed red once he read it, which was the only response Hizashi had gotten and the only one he’d needed.

Making sure they had the size right had been a delicious torture, knowing that Shouta was walking around with various rings around his cock until they found just the right diameter, one he could wear for hours or days on end. Then when he’d finally been able to lock the real thing on him, the blush on Shouta’s face and the way he’d twitched against the metal made a mental image Hizashi still returned to on nights Shouta wasn’t there.

He stood and hooked a finger into the ring of Shouta’s collar.

“Up.” He pulled Shouta up until he was standing and moved him closer to the bed. “Bend over.” Shouta leaned over the bed, palms braced to hold himself up, but Hizashi pushed gently but firmly between his shoulders. “All the way down.”

Shouta let his arms slide until his chest was on the bed, and Hizashi slid one palm over his exposed cheeks and smacked one lightly.

“Perfect,” he said as he hopped onto the bed to sit beside Shouta. “How about a warm-up?”

He sounded entirely too perky, and he knew Shouta knew why: he loved being spanked, especially when Hizashi forewent any implements and just used his hand. It never took long to have Shouta melting under his touch, and Hizashi loved both starting off with it to turn him into a complete mess right from the start and saving it for last to give Shouta a happy ending.

But being aroused now would quickly turn uncomfortable.

So he took his time teasing Shouta before ever striking him, running one hand over his skin, down between his thighs, up over his back. He leaned forward and pressed a small kiss to the cleft of his ass before bringing his hand down hard. Shouta hardly reacted other than to inhale sharply.

Hizashi kept going, not letting Shouta anticipate the pace or intensity. One hand pressed on his back, he could feel when Shouta started tensing up at the harsher blows, his breathing turning heavier, louder. He waited until he heard the small hitches in his breath that meant Shouta was holding back whines or moans before he stopped, trailing his fingertips along the reddened skin.


“Green.” Hizashi had expected to hear impatience in his tone, imagining the way he’d roll his eyes like he did any time Hizashi insisted on checking in when they’d only just begun.  But his voice was soft, content like it was when Hizashi was giving him an innocent massage.

“Spread,” Hizashi said as he stood, and watched Shouta move his feet apart, lingering for a moment to admire the view. Shouta’s cock was straining against the metal, and Hizashi made an appreciative noise before cupping his balls and squeezing. Shouta hissed, tensing, but held still, so Hizashi picked up a small angled toy, spreading lube over it and sliding it inside him, pressing on it to hear Shouta’s heavy exhale.

He reached up to hook his fingers under Shouta’s collar and pull him upright. “Down.”

Shouta settled back into position, kneeling on the floor, mouth falling open as he shifted gingerly against the toy. Hizashi sat on the bed, leaning back on his hands while he watched. Shouta’s hair was already starting to stick to his face, and his thighs were tense and held apart wider than he normally had them, likely to keep from jostling the plug.

Hizashi rubbed himself through his pants, and even with his head bowed, he knew Shouta could tell what he was doing. He’d already been partially hard, so it didn’t take much before he was pulling his cock out and quickly stroking himself. He watched Shouta until he saw the telltale heavy swallow, then stood and grabbed as much of Shouta’s hair as he could in one hand, pulling back and sliding his cock into Shouta’s already open mouth.

At the first touch of Shouta’s tongue on him, he let his head fall back and groaned before looking back down to watch as he pushed Shouta further down, holding him at the point where he started resisting then pulling him almost completely off again and again. He knew Shouta couldn’t take all of him (and deep-throating to the point of choking was most definitely Hizashi’s thing, not Shouta’s), but he was making small moans every time Hizashi pushed him down. Even when he held him down long enough to feel his throat trying to close and he coughed when Hizashi let him up, he still opened wide again.

He held Shouta’s head still, moving his hips instead and quickening the pace. Shouta was breathing harshly through his nose, eyes clenched shut, and Hizashi pulled out and started jerking himself, getting a brief glimpse of Shouta waiting with his mouth open before he was cumming, some landing in his mouth but a fair amount striping up his cheek. He pressed his tip back into Shouta’s mouth and he closed his lips around it, licking him clean and swallowing.

Hizashi loosened his grip on Shouta’s hair. “One of these days I’m gonna cum on your face and just leave it there to dry.” He saw Shouta’s thighs twitch and laughed to himself, swiping his thumb across Shouta’s lips and letting him lick it clean, repeating until his face was cleaned off. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“How are you doing?”

“Green,” came the response, soft but eager.

“Good.” He kissed Shouta again, digging out a hair tie and fixing Shouta’s hair back. He stepped to one side and pressed on the back of his neck. “Head on the floor.”

Shouta lowered himself, shifting to get comfortable as Hizashi pushed his knees closer together, raising his ass higher. He tugged at the toy, playing with it before pulling it out, getting a short gasp from Shouta, and setting it aside. He held Shouta’s cheeks apart licked from his captive balls up to his hole, feeling him twitch against his tongue.

“Arms out in front of you,” Hizashi said as he stood, smacking Shouta’s still-pink skin. He picked up a length of rope and started carefully binding his wrists, looping it across his palms and securing them to one of the bedposts. It wasn’t a comfortable position with the way he kept his forehead on the floor, stretching his shoulders, but he knew Shouta would welcome the strain, at least at first.

“Got something new for us, babe.”

He turned Shouta’s collar so the ring was in the back, then attached the clip of the new toy to it, Shouta’s head rising as he pulled on the other end until he could slide the metal hook into his slick hole. Shouta groaned once he realized what it was, his back held in an arch to avoid pulling either end. Hizashi whistled, long and low, as he looked him over.


He slid his hand up Shouta’s back, digging his nails in and dragging them down. A shudder went through Shouta, his arched back becoming even tauter. Hizashi repeated the motion, drawing red lines down his back and sides, Shouta’s noises becoming moans when he started doing the same to his thighs, not stopping until he was squirming, cock straining in its cage.

He stood and picked up an implement they rarely used, despite (or maybe because of) how good Hizashi had become at wielding it. Not giving Shouta any warning, Hizashi brought the cane down hard across his ass, smiling at the way he let out a sharp yell and flinched in his restraints. Not being able to move much, he didn’t have long to wait before Shouta settled back into position.

Hizashi kept his strokes light at first, enough to sting but nowhere near the level of pain he could inflict, and he knew from the way Shouta was still and stiff that he’d already guessed Hizashi intended to draw this out.

Red welts started appearing and overlapping, Shouta’s toes clenching and his thighs twitching as he muffled his shouts with every strike. Hizashi paused, rubbing his palm along the heated skin.

“What’s your color, babe?”

Shouta pushed against his hand and said “green” through gritted teeth. Smiling, Hizashi squeezed his hand, listening to Shouta’s gasp, then slid the hook out and unclipped it from his collar, letting him relax his back. He took up the cane again, starting back in as if he hadn’t stopped. With his new freedom of motion, Shouta had to fight to keep himself in place, and the strain of keeping still while Hizashi was striking already places was wearing him down. His voice was strained, shouts cut off by ragged breathing, interspersed with whines. His fists were clenched around the ropes typing his wrists.

Hizashi slowly but firmly rolled the cane across his skin, seeing places that were sure to bruise and a few that looked ready to start bleeding. He let Shouta’s breathing slow to a normal pace.

“Spread your legs.”

The noise Shouta made sounded like a whimper, and he didn’t move.

“Shouta.” There was no need to add a warning to his voice; Shouta inched his legs open. “Wider.” He hesitated, but widened his stance. Hizashi pressed the cane against his balls, already held tight against his confined cock, and Shouta inhaled sharply and held it.


He waited while Shouta forced himself to take deep breaths, then pulled the cane away, again waiting long enough to make sure Shouta wasn’t holding his breath before bringing it up hard against his balls.

Shouta yelped, hips pressing away from the point of impact.

“Stop that,” Hizashi said, pleased with how Shouta hurried to obey despite his reaction. He placed a few lighter taps against the insides of his thighs, watching the muscles clench, before knocking the cane upwards again.

Shouta let out a sob, again partially curling in on himself as his legs moved to close.

“Shouta.” Still not quite an order, but with enough force behind it to make Shouta quickly push himself back into position.

Hizashi started hitting his thighs harder, moving with him as Shouta tried to jerk away whenever he’d venture higher. His body was trembling as he fought between moving away from the pain and staying where Hizashi wanted him. When Hizashi started repeatedly tapping his balls, the choked-back noises he'd been making turned into screams, muffled by the way he pressed his face into his arm.

He landed a few last strokes onto his thighs, then reached up to release Shouta’s wrists, helping him to sit up. He leaned into Hizashi’s neck, shaking as he held himself off of his stinging backside.

“How’re you doing?” Hizashi asked quietly, pulling away to wipe tears away from the corners of Shouta’s eyes. Shouta leaned into the touch, eyes closed.

“Sweetheart, gimme your color.”

Shouta nodded slowly, and Hizashi smiled. “No, I need a little more than that, baby.”

A hand tapped against his chest, and Hizashi looked down to see Shouta pressing the sign for ‘green’ into his skin.

“Good,” Hizashi said, stroking Shouta’s hair. “That’s good.”

He eased Shouta back into a kneel, feeling him tense up the more pressure he put on the backs of his thighs. He was careful to reach around to the ring as he rearranged Shouta’s collar to face forward again, not grabbing the buckle as if he going to remove it. Finally he reached down to unlatch the cage and remove it, but Shouta recoiled, hissing in pain when Hizashi’s fingers brushed against his balls.

“Stop that,” Hizashi said, annoyed, and reached out again, ignoring the pained noises as he pulled the cage away. He helped Shouta move until he was nearly against the wall, then pushed him back down onto his elbows. He spread lube over the last toy he wanted, a vibrator with several large bumps along its length, and pushed it into Shouta all at once, listening to his high, keening moan.

He pushed Shouta up, leaning back against the wall, and let him rest a moment. Head tilted back, hair sticking to his sweaty face, eyes shut, tongue darting out to wet his lips. Hizashi checked his hands and started undoing the ropes, holding firm when Shouta tried to pull his hands away, muttering “don’t.”

“Excuse you,” Hizashi said, only half meaning it; he’d never felt the need to be authoritarian when Shouta was under. He slid the ropes off, frowning at the deep grooves left behind—he’d gotten lost in doling out the kind of pain that could always take Shouta down so quickly and hadn’t thought about just how hard he’d be struggling against his restraints.

“Hands behind your head.”

The sight never got old, whether Shouta was showing off, cocky and knowing exactly what he was doing, or he was worn down, holding himself in position because he’d been ordered to. Chest heaving just enough to draw attention to the play of muscle, core taut, cock twitching under scrutiny.

Hizashi reached down and flipped the vibrator on. Shouta sucked in a breath, arching up, and Hizashi watched. He didn’t bother changing the settings, just watched as Shouta tensed and jerked, the pleasure of the vibrations pushing him to rock his hips, drawing in harsh breaths whenever he agitated the stripes on his ass and thighs.

He could watch this for hours. Shouta’s face alternately contorting with bliss and distress as he ground against the vibrator, fingers clenching in his hair. Quiet, drawn-out high-pitched moans. His eyes wet at the corners again. Cock swaying with his movements. Hizashi reached down and clicked the vibrator to a higher setting, and Shouta quaked, knees pressing in toward each other.

“I’m gonna cum,” he panted out.

“No, you’re not,” Hizashi said mildly.

Shouta whined, hips grinding in circles “Fuck, fuck, please.”

“Please what?”

“Please let me cum.”

“Let you?”

Shouta groaned, his hands pulling at his hair. “Please can I…please, fuck.”

“Not yet.”

He rammed his head back against the wall, spine arched intensely. “I can’t…”

“Yes you can.”

“Shit, please, please.”

Hizashi finally touched him, running his fingertips down his chest. “You’ve been good. Now cum.”

Shouta’s body went rigid, mouth open in a silent scream as he came, untouched, white streaks shooting between them. Hizashi turned the vibrator up once more and Shouta shuddered, silence broken by his short, sharp moans, chest heaving. He pitched forward, hands falling onto Hizashi’s shoulders as he collapsed into his lap, trying to raise his hips off of the vibrator until Hizashi finally turned it off and pulled it out, slowly, Shouta twitching as each bump left him.

“Up, baby, come on.” Hizashi tried to gather his legs beneath him, but Shouta was dead weight on top of him. He laughed. “You are not already asleep.”

Shouta made a small noise, turning his head to breathe against Hizashi’s neck.

“Come on, at least get on the bed.”

He wrangled Shouta onto his front on the sheets and grabbed the water bottle he’d set aside earlier, tapping it against Shouta’s shoulder until he propped himself up and took it. Hizashi climbed between his legs, surveying the damage. He’d broken the skin in several spots, but it wasn’t the worst he’d ever given Shouta. He placed a kiss on either cheek and could just about hear Shouta rolling his eyes.

“Really worked me over, didn’t you…” he muttered.

Hizashi slid up to lie next to him. “How was it?”

Shouta stretched, lazily eyeing the marks on his hands. “I hate that thing.”

Hizashi laughed. “Kinda glad you do. As long as a cane can do that to you, we don’t have to go looking for a whip.”

Shouta turned his head to stare incredulously, and Hizashi laughed again, shuffling closer to wrap an arm around his waist. “Yeah, I’m kidding. My favorite is still just my hand anyway.”

Shouta scoffed, but kissed him softly. “Me too.”