Actions

Work Header

THE HOMOSUCK EPILOGUES

Chapter Text

HELLO. THIS IS WHERE WE START. THERE'S A CRACK OR SOMETHING. LET'S BE HONEST, YOU CAN GET THE GIST OF THIS BY WATCHING THE VIDEO. YOU KNOW THE ONE. THE ONE THAT ENDED MY GLORIOUS AND POWERFUL NARRATIVE. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ONE. THEN YOU ARE AN IDIOT. A TOTAL IMBECILE. HOLY SHIT. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU IDIOTS. YOU SAW THE BLACK HOLE. YOU SAW THEM DO THE FROG THING. YOU SAW ME. WITH MY GLORIOUS BUFF BOD. THE EPITOME OF MANLINESS AND MACHO-ISM. AND MY SUPER BADASS MAGIC RAINBOW EYES. THERE IS A LOT OF SCREAMING. HOLY FUCK THAT'S A LOT OF DEAD GHOSTS. DEAD BY ME. BECAUSE I KILLED THEM. YOU SEE. I AM EXTREMELY GOOD AT KILLING THINGS. I REVEL IN IT. IT'S SO GODDAMN FUN. WHERE WERE WE. OH RIGHT. THE BLACK HOLE. YES. THERE IS A BLACK HOLE. IT IS DESTROYING PARADOX SPACE. THERE'S MUSIC INSIDE OF IT APPARENTLY. IT IS VERY REMINISCENT OF THE ANIMES. THE PLACE WHERE WE MUST APPRECIATE THE "HOT YAOIS." PLEASE TAKE THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF TIME. TO APPRECIATE SAID HOT YAOIS. I WILL WAIT.

OK. STOP APPRECIATING THEM. WE'RE DONE WITH THAT. WHAT WE AREN'T DONE WITH IS IDENTIFYING THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS STUPID STORY. THAT I AM MAKING BETTER. THE PROTAGONIST IS THE FORMER PROTAGONIST OF CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED COMIC. HOMOSUCK. I FORGOT WHAT I NAMED THE PROTAGONIST. BECAUSE I KILLED HIM. UPON LOOKING AT THE WIKI. THIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS "JOHN." OR "JUNE." IT ISN'T CLEAR. WHO CARES. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS OUR MAIN CHARACTER. THE HOMO SAPIEN JOHN EGBERT. HE WAS THE ONE DREAMING IN ANIME. HE GETS UP AND LOOKS OUTSIDE AT HIS DREARY UNINTERESTING LIFE. HOLY SHIT THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS BORING. I CANNOT UNDERSTATE HOW BORING HIS LIFE IS. GODDAMN. HE IS SO BORING. THAT HE HAS NOT EVEN DONE ANYTHING. FOR UH. A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF UNITS OF TIME. HE SUCKS. AND WE, THE AUDIENCE, KNOW THIS.

THE HOMO SAPIEN RECEIVES A NOTIFICATION ON HIS PHONE. IT IS THE WORDY BITCH. YOU KNOW THE ONE. THE WORDY BITCH THAT I CREATED FOR THE ALPHA MALE AS A REWARD. FOR BEING THE ALPHA MALE. SHE IS CALLING THE HOMO SAPIEN JOHN. OR JUNE. I STILL CAN'T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THAT ONE. WE AREN'T GOING TO BOTHER WITH IT ANYMORE. FROM HENCEFORTH, THE HOMO SAPIEN WILL BE REFERRED TO AS "JOHN." JOHN. ANSWER YOUR PHONE. YOU MUST DO IT. AS I COMMAND IT. WHO'S NARRATING THIS STORY JOHN. IT'S ME. IN MY DREAMS. AND REALITY. I AM THE STAR. THE STAR, IN THIS CASE. IS THE NARRATOR. WATCH ME NARRATE.

WORDY BITCH: JOHN. ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE.
"JOHN": I HAVE ANSWERED THE PHONE. YOU STUPID BITCH.
WORDY BITCH: OK. IT IS YOUR BIRTH DAY. I AM WISHING YOU A HAPPY BIRTH DAY.
"JOHN": OK. THANK YOU WORDY BITCH. I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
WORDY BITCH: WHAT IS IT JOHN.
"JOHN": I HAVE BEEN DREAMING IN ANIME.

JOHN LOOKS AT SOME SALAMANDERS. HE SUPPRESSES HIS EXTREME URGE TO SLAUGHTER THEM ALL. AND WATCH AS THEIR BLOOD STAINS HIS IDIOT CLOTHES. THAT IDIOTS WEAR. HE FANTASIZES ABOUT KILLING ENTIRE FAMILIES OF THE SALAMANDERS.

"JOHN": WORDY BITCH. I CAN'T HANDLE IT. THE ANIME DREAMS. I WANT TO BE THE ONE KILLING PEOPLE. WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
WORDY BITCH: IT MEANS YOU HAVE TO COME HERE RIGHT NOW. SOMETHING IS WRONG. WITH ME I MEAN. NOT WITH YOU. WE NEED YOU TO GO INTO "THE NARRATIVE." BECAUSE THE CURRENT NARRATOR IS GETTING SICK OF WRITING THIS SHIT.
"JOHN": OK WORDY BITCH. I WILL BE THERE SOON.

AND THEN JOHN EXITS HIS HOUSE. RESISTS THE URGE TO KILL SALAMANDERS. AND GOES TO THE WORDY BITCH'S HOUSE. WHEN HE GETS THERE. THE DOOR IS OPEN. THE WORDY BITCH IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. SHE IS SICK. SHE IS SICK FROM BEING SO STUPID AND USING WORDS THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THIS DIALOGUE. SO I WIL SUMMARIZE IT. THE WORDY BITCH TALKS ABOUT CANON. SHE TALKS ABOUT THINGS LIKE RELEVANCE. AND TRUTH. AND SOME OTHER THING I FORGET. SHE ALSO TALKS ABOUT HOW JOHN HAS NOT DONE A THING HE NEEDS TO DO. IN ORDER FOR THEIR TIMELINE TO STAY CANON. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS. RELEVANCE TRUTH AND THE OTHER THING DON'T DECIDE CANON. I DECIDE CANON. THAT WAS THE POINT OF ME TAKING OVER THE NARRATIVE. YOU IGNORANT SLUT. SHE TELLS JOHN THAT THE GREEN SUN IS DEAD. OR SOMETHING. THERE'S A BLACK HOLE NOW. HE NEEDS TO GO FIGHT THE MOST ALPHA OF ALPHA MALES. THE THING THAT I AM DESTINED TO BECOME IN THE FUTURE. THE COOLEST LORD WITH THE COOLEST NAME THAT I STOLE.

OH WAIT I REMEMBER THE THIRD ONE. ESSENTIAL. TRUTH RELEVANCE AND ESSENTIALNESS. YEAH. THAT'S THE THINGS THAT MAKE UP CANON. TO THESE RUBES. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW. I AM STILL THE ONE WHO MAKES THINGS CANON. THAT'S JUST HOW I FUCKING *DO* THINGS. THE WORDY BITCH KEEPS TALKING. HOLY SHIT SHE CAN TALK FOR A LONG TIME. ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU THE "DIALOGUE BOX" THAT SHE IS LAYING DOWN RIGHT NOW.

WORDY BITCH: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

THERE. YOU GET THE IDEA. THE WORDY BITCH HANDS JOHN A NOTE. IT'S INSTRUCTIONS FOR HIS EXCURSION INTO THE CANON SPACE. WHERE HE MUST FIGHT AND LOSE AGAINST MY GRANDEUR. AND OFF HE GOES! PCHOOOOOOOOOOO. YEAH HE'S NOT COMING BACK DOWN FOR A WHILE.

THAT WHILE HAPPENS TO BE WHEN HE IS HAVING LUNCH WITH A DRUNK WHORE AND MY BITCH SISTER. YES. SHE'S ALIVE. BUT NOT FOR LONG. I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. A BUNCH OF CHESS PEOPLE ARE SCURRYING ABOUT. THE DRUNK WHORE AND MY BITCH SISTER TALK TO JOHN.

DRUNK WHORE: WOW. I'M SO DRUNK AND SAD ABOUT THE WORDY BITCH. I HOPE SHE'S OK
"JOHN": SHE IS NOT OK. SHE IS GOING TO DIE UNLESS I DO THIS THING. OR DON'T DO THIS THING.
DRUNK WHORE: OK SO SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT ULTIMATE SELF STUFF.
"JOHN": NO THE NARRATOR DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.
DRUNK WHORE: OK SO THE ULTIMATE SELF IS LIKE ALL OF YOUR INDIVIDUAL SELVES. AND THEY'RE ALL MUSHED TOGETHER.
"JOHN": OK THAT MAKES SENSE.
"JOHN": SO HOW IS YOUR AND THE WORDY BITCH'S RELATIONSHIP.
DRUNK WHORE: WE AREN'T CLOSE ANYMORE. WORDY BITCH GOT HUMAN LESBIAN MARRIED TO ANOTHER WORDY BITCH. A GREEN WORDY BITCH. SHE'S BEEN KEEPING HER BUSY. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THE NARRATIVE TAKES A FULL HALF HOUR BREAK FOR THE AUDIENCE TO LAUGH AT THE INCREDIBLY SEXUAL JOKE. THAT THE DRUNK WHORE HAS PUT FORTH.

"JOHN": OK SO I NEED TO GO BACK INTO THE NARRATIVE.
BITCH SISTER: OK BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T NEED TO.
"JOHN": WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.
BITCH SISTER: IT'S TIME TO EAT WHOOPS. HERE. I BROUGHT MEAT AND CANDY. THE ONLY THINGS ANYONE SHOULD EVER EAT. THE THINGS THAT YOU NEED FOR A HEALTHY CHERUB TO SURVIVE.

WHAT DOES THE HOMO SAPIEN JOHN DO. DOES HE EAT MEAT. OR DOES HE EAT CANDY. OHOHOHO. THIS IS A QUESTION THAT WILL TITILLATE THE MIND. MORE TO COME. NEXT TIME. ON THE HOMOSUCK EPILOGUES.