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If I knew it all then, would I do it again?

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It had been another rough evening for Richie so far and he had decided to unwind with just a drink of whiskey, which had quickly turned to something more than one small tumbler of it. Richie set down his glass next to the bottle that was now more than half empty. Even with his glasses on his vision was blurry and he had to take way too long to read every contact to find the right one. Once he did, he barely hesitated before hitting the call button, he didn’t have to worry about if they would pick up or not despite the late hour. Richie already knew that answer and he tucked the phone between his shoulder and head as he poured another glass of whiskey.

The phone seemed to ring forever before it finally clicked over to voicemail. No one was able to get to the phone and Richie knew exactly where it was. That didn’t stop him from calling though, did it? Richie knew deep down he should put the phone down and go to bed and sleep off the alcohol, but he didn’t want to. He’d rather be drunk and sad rather than dealing with the nightmares that accompanied sleep now. Although he was sure that calling someone else would probably be more help than this but there were only two people he wanted to talk to.

“Hello, this is Eddie Kaspbrak speaking. I’m unable to answer my phone right now but I will get back to you as soon as I can.” Eddie’s voice was almost monotone, clearly trying to be a business proper as possible, of course Eddie would have a super serious voicemail, but it wasn’t the first time Richie was hearing it.

Richie waited for the beep and he took a deep breath, downing his glass all at once and savoring the way it burned. Even though by now he had gotten used to that burn it was still a welcomed comfort. Richie cleared his throat as he set his glass back down.

“Hey Eds, I know you hate me calling you that but what can I say? Old habits die hard. I just- god this is so fucking stupid. I just, wanted to hear your annoying voice again. I know pathetic right? I’m sure you’re calling me a fucking dumbass or some shit.” Richie paused, losing his words as he felt his throat tighten up.

“That and I had something I wanted to tell you. Wanted to tell you for a long time. But then that fucking clown and the fucking town made us forget everyone. I’ve been wondering what would have happened if I would have stayed, if your mom hadn’t moved you guys away. I wonder if we would have stayed friends, I wonder if we could have made Stan stay too. Makes me wonder if you guys would have been okay.” His words were slurred from the whiskey but that didn’t stop him from saying what he needed to, or more so what he wanted to.

Richie took off his glasses and wiped at his face, hot tears freely flowing down it, but no one was in his apartment. He was alone, no one to check on him. No one to see him cry once again for the countless time since he’s gotten home. Richie had hated how empty his apartment felt before he remembered Derry, all his best friends and everything else he had forgotten. Now it only seemed twenty times emptier and that alone felt like an elephant stomping on his chest.

“I’m getting off topic. I was going to tell you that I love you. I fucking loved you Eds. Or well I still do, you’re just not here anymore. You were so fucking proud, the one time you stepped up and you did it to save me because I was a fucking idiot and what did that get you? Shiskabobed. That’s what. And you were always a stubborn bastard, you couldn’t have held on to life so we could get you to a fucking hospital. No, you had to fucking die down there. I just miss you Eds. And Stan. I hope you guys are there together with Georgie at least in whatever fucky afterlife there is.”

The phone beep and clicked as the call was disconnected, the beep had signaled the voicemail box was full and therefore his call was dropped. Richie pulled his phone away from his ear for a moment and stared at it. This was all so stupid. Eddie was fucking dead; Stan was fucking dead. Georgie was fucking dead. Three good people that never deserved to die at the hands of It. Everything was unfair and Richie couldn’t wrap his head around it no matter how sober or drunk he was when he tried to do so.

Richie picked up the phone again after a moment and hit the redial button, wanting to hear it one last time, then he would go to bed. Richie wanted to grip onto that last part he had of Eddie for as long as he could, no matter how much it made him feel like he couldn’t breathe. Richie held the phone to his ear waiting for that voice just one more time.

“I’m sorry but the number you are trying to reach is currently out of service. Please check the number you dialed and try again.”

               It had been less than twenty minutes since his last call and Richie tried to call back only to be greeted by the same robot lady’s cold uncaring voice. Richie threw his phone, knowing now just like Eddie, his voice was gone forever to and Richie felt the tears only come out faster and the feeling in his chest made him feel like he was going to drown in his own tears. Not that he could bring himself to care if that happened. An ache of loneliness and overall loss broke free from his chest and seemed to soak into his bones. Richie stumbled as he made his room and unceremoniously threw himself into his bed, letting his heartache lull him to sleep.