Jessica Davis is quite a heartbreaker. Well, thats what she’s heard. And as she watched Justin crumble in front of her, she considered that they might be right.
Justin stepped closer. “What? Are you really breaking up with me?” He squinted at her, completely perplexed. He was in shock over what he was hearing, and was desperate for answers. “After everything we’ve- that we’ve been through?”
She relaxed her shoulder and took a deep breath. She hated this part. She hated hurting people, watching the sadness hit their face like they just watched her kill their cat. But it needed to be done. She couldn’t stay like this. She needed to move on. From her trauma, from Bryce, and from Justin.
“I’m sorry, Justin. I do-“ She starts, ready to give him her speech that she’s been planning for the last week.
She gets cut off by a hurt and confused Justin Foley. “I thought you loved me? He shook his head in confusion. “What about all that shit that we said? At the station? At Monet’s?” He asked.
She wished he knew how hard this was for her. How much she loved him. “I do love you! Of course I love you!” But. That was what she was going to say next. Because as much as she did love him—to the moon and back, that is, she couldn’t do this. “I just.” She paused. Breathe, Jess. “I can’t do this with you. Not anymore.”
He didn’t respond, so for better or for worse, she continued. “I need to move on. And even though I do love you.” She looked into his eyes. “ Truly , I do, Justin,” she said with emphasis. Jess wanted to make sure he knew that she hadn’t just done this whole thing to hook up with him. She continued, the tone of her voice was shaky, not nearly as confident as it usually was. “But when I’m with you, I cannot help but look at you and see everything that’s happened.”
Jess thought she’d be okay loving him, sleeping with him. Even though, everytime she looked at him, looked back the boy who let her get taken advantage of. The boy who lied to her, who kept her from knowing the truth about her own body. And as much as she loved him...how could she live with that? How could anyone?
She knew he had changed. He was getting better everyday. Justin was (hopefully) sober and he seemed happy with football and his new found family. He deserved to be happy, to be loved. Just...not by her, like that. Of course she still wanted him in her life.
Justin just gaped at her. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was going to lose her, again . He wanted her to be happy. That was all he really wanted. But God . When he found out that she could be happy? And be with him? The girl he had hurt? His one that (he had thought) got away? That was the best thing Justin had heard in years.
But now, he’s told that none of it is possible. He understands. But it burns . Here come the tears.
And when they come, glossy and messy out of Justin’s eyes, Jess feels like the worst person in the world. She feels evil. An evil, merciless heartbreaker.
Justin looks deep at her, searching for answers. “But- you said...” His voice cracks; It’s a terrible, heart-wrenching show to watch.
Jess’ mouth hangs open. She doesn’t know what to say. She wishes that she could just...make it better. But their romance needs to be over, for if not both of their sakes, than for hers.
She looks at him, crestfallen. “Justin...I really didn’t mean to hurt you.” She mumbles, apologetically.
Justin has his hand on his face, hiding half of it from her. “I was right. I knew I never deserved you.”
“No! Justin- that’s not true.” She states (Although, some people would agree with him). Her heart breaks a little more at his words. Though she knew this couldn’t be easy, why did it have to be so painful? So crushing?
“I-“ She starts, then swallows. She needs to say the right thing. “I still want to..you know...be friends.” She says sheepishly, and it comes out more as a question.
Justin looks at her. Jess finds his expression unreadable to her, which is unusual. Is he disgusted? Does Justin want absolutely nothing to do with her after this? She wouldn’t blame him. Or is it just sadness? Jess knows that this is not going to be easy for him. Fuck, it’s not easy for her either, but she cannot believe how attached this boy is to her. Jess considers that he may not ever be able to let her go.
Justin runs his hand through his hair and loudly huffs while Jess continues to stare. With the grey sleeve of his Liberty High School hoodie, he wipes away any tears left. He’s not looking at her. Instead, he’s looking at the rug by his feet, which stands between his and Clay’s beds. Can you just-“ He starts, then decides that this isn’t a question. He wants her out. “Just go.”
Jess gives a curt nod, and grabs her book bag from the chair she had set it on. She turns around, aware of his eyes on her, and starts to walk toward the door.
When she reaches the doorway, she pauses. Jess places her hand lightly on the frame and opens her mouth. Not to her surprise, nothing comes out. She has nothing to say until she finally gets out: “I’m sorry.”
Jess strides out the door, her wedges clinking noisily against his wooden floors as she exits.
And this time, she doesn’t turn back.
The slam of her bedroom door when she gets home could rival some serious earthquakes.
It shook the house so much that her mother called for her to be more careful from the kitchen. To which, Jess replies with a huff.
Thank God she escaped her mother, and her Dad isn’t home, but if he was she knows he wouldn’t have let that fly. But Jess made sure that she gave no one a chance to talk to her, because she ran up her stairs faster than she did when her dad asked her about the trial last year.
Finally, when she’s in the safety of her lilac-colored room, she flops onto her bed. What a lousy apology. She thinks.
But what else could she have said? Sorry Justin! Even though I’ve told you for the last 6 months that I love you and I’d do anything for you, I’m breaking up with you!”
God, What a bitch. She cringed.
Though, Jess didn’t lie. She really did love him. She meant every word of what she ever said to him, good and bad.
Her throat started to ache from holding back the sob that she held. Her lip started to quiver, but she pushed it down.
How can she do this without him? He’s such a big part of her life! Maybe she made the wrong choice? Is is too late to run back to his house and beg?
The tears streamed out. Her winged eyeliner (which she spent forever on that morning) smudged as she swiped her tears away with vigor.
She needed this more than she knew. Although Jess hated it—showing weakness—crying always helped her grow. When she broke up with Justin—well, more like when she decided she didn’t ever want to talk to him again, she cried for longer than she wants to remember.
She had took a shower, succumbing to her anger and grief. She let the sobs roll throughout her body. Jess didn’t even care if her parents heard (they didn’t).
Jess had cried for what remained of her relationship, for herself and what had happened to her. And then she cried for how terrified she was of not knowing what would happen next.
But eventually, after what felt like forever, she was okay. Not good, but she wasn’t drowning. There was finally days where she could feel normal. She could get dressed in her clothes, run errands for her parents. Never could she sleep in her bed.
Her door creaked open with a squeak. No one could ever sneak around in this house, trust her, she’s tried! Though this time it wasn’t a boy she was sneaking through her window. It was her mother.
Her mom leaned into her room with her hand on the door knob, like she was inspecting her room. A sympathetic look formed on her mom’s face as she saw Jess’ tear streaked face. Albeit Jess had gotten good at not looking like she had just went through a breakdown, her mother saw right through her. “You okay, baby?” She asked with so much love for her daughter in her eyes.
Jess nodded at her mom and faked a smile. “I’ll be okay.”
She didn’t know if her mom believed her, but she didn’t push her to tell her what happened. Thank God , Jess thought. She never even told her about reconciling with Justin in the first place. Her dad would probably grab his shotgun if he ever saw “that Justin Foley” ever again.
“Okay.” Her mother nodded. “Well, if you ever want to talk.” She strides over and kissed her daughter’s brown curls. “You know where to find me.” She smiled. “You can tell me anything, Jessica.”
She was truly blessed in the parents department.
Jess nodded. She didn’t want to talk about it now, but maybe one day she would. “I know.” She smiled, keeping up the act.
Her mother left, thankfully shutting the door with a loud click of the lock (so Jess didn’t have to get up and do it herself).
Jess flopped back on her bed and sighed. Once again, she didn’t lie. She did what she had to do. Soon, hopefully, she would be okay.