"Hi, I'm Spider-Man," the costumed figure says, standing in a bright studio with a white backdrop and holding a cell phone in his right hand, "And I'm here to help my new friend Kelly find true love."
The video cuts to a title screen, 'tinder takeover | Spider-Man' before cutting to an embarrassed young woman with beautiful red hair and wearing a navy blouse, laughing and covering her blushing cheeks as she groans.
"I will be taking over her Tinder for a little bit. Kelly," he addresses her, "Do you trust me?"
Kelly gives him a scrutinizing look and laughing nervously, gives him a skeptical "Mmhmm."
Spider-Man looks into the camera and deadpans, "The confidence is overwhelming. Careful now, Kelly. I now hold the power of your romantic future in the palm of my hands. Wouldn't want to offend me. Hey, is this how my villain origin story begins?"
Kelly laughs nervously again, sounding slightly more hysterical, as Spider-Man browses through the app on Kelly's phone.
"Would now be a bad time to mention I've never used Tinder before in my life and that due to my secret vigilante alter ego I have trouble prioritizing the important people in my life and therefore ruin every relationship I have in some way?" Spider-Man asks casually without lifting his head from the phone.
Kelly stares at him wide-eyed and her mouth twists in a horrified grimace.
"Which way am I supposed to swipe again?" Spider-Man scratches his head in confusion.
"Swipe right to like and left to dislike," Kelly reminds him.
Spider-Man makes a noise to confirm he understands and says, "Alright Kelly, let's hook you up. Y'know," Spider-Man says in a cocky voice, "Not to brag or anything, but you might call me an expert."
Kelly raises her eyebrows and bites her lip to hide the incredulous laugh trying to bubble its way up her throat.
"Yep. Last week I got hit on by three little old ladies and that hairy Italian man who works the hot dog cart next to Patty's Grocery." Spider-Man pauses to think it over and taps his mouth with the pointer finger on his free hand, "At least I think he was hitting on me. I'm not positive since I only know, like, three phrases in Italian, but nobody maintains eye contact that long while putting mustard on your hot dog unless they want some of this, you know what I mean?"
Kelly breaks out into laughter while Spider-Man slaps his ass and finger-guns the camera with a wink.
"Oh my God," Kelly moans in despair that can only just be picked up by the microphone, "I think I'm in big trouble."
Spider-Man lets out a loud, genuine laugh having heard her clearly and heartily agrees, "Yeah you are!"
The vigilante brings up the first potential match.
"Alright, let's see. Vinnie, thirty-two."
The screen of the phone displays on half the video screen and shows a rough looking man who looks considerably older than thirty. He has several tattoos and a gnarly scar on his cheek.
"Vinnie, my man, who are you trying to kid? You're not thirty-two. Fifty-two maybe. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure I might have punched you in the throat last year in that huge gang war I broke up. How'd you get out of prison so soon? That's gonna be a hard no."
He swipes left unapologetically.
"Hmm, okay. Next we have Matthew, twenty."
The screen shows a cute young man with dirty blonde hair and dimpled cheeks. His profile says he loves to read and is studying to be a pharmacist.
"Oooh!" Spider-Man teases, "Jackpot! He's a bit young but he's adorable and smart! A pharmacist! A man after my own biochemist heart!"
He swiftly swipes right as Kelly laughs lightly and the app dings with a match.
"He likes you too, Kelly! This is fantastic! Let's entice him with conversation!"
The arachnid opens a private message with Matthew and starts typing while reading it aloud in a flirty voice, "Hey, winky face emoji. You're so hot you denature my proteins. Sweat emoji."
"Oh my God," Kelly groans and covers her face in mortification with a reluctant laugh. She peeks out from between her fingers and squeaks out, "I don't even know what that means!"
"Oh, he knows. Trust me. He knows and he's intrigued." Spider-Man's eye lenses flare in what is probably supposed to be an eye waggle.
"Next, we've got Seamus, twenty-three. Not bad, though I think 'currently exploring the possibilities' is just code for unemployed. So be careful of this one. We'll give him a shot though. Maybe he's just down on his luck."
Spider-Man swipes right on the young man with short brown hair attempting to look cool holding a guitar. He clicks on the private message button after a match is found.
"Hey Seamus, nice guitar," Spider-Man flirts in his best bedroom voice, "So, how do you feel about mandibles?"
Kelly snorts loudly and claps her hands to her mouth as a couple other crew members can't help but laugh offscreen.
He exits the private message and moves on to the next victim, a handsome young man with a dashing smile proclaiming himself to be looking for love and interested in the arts.
"Alejandro, twenty-six," Spider-Man purrs and does a sexy growl in the back of his throat that makes Kelly laugh and blush brighter. "What do you think of him, could be a winner, hey?"
Kelly grins and nods and Spider-Man swipes right. He whoops in delight as a match is found.
"Alejandro has good taste already, Kelly. We're off to a good start."
He opens a private message and types, reading aloud in a low voice, "Hey Alejandro, imagine the possibilities if I had eight appendages."
He sends the message and Kelly tugs on her hair in distress.
"Wait for it," Spider-Man coaches patiently as it turns out Alejandro is online and responds with a bewildered, "What?"
The vigilante follows it up with, "I may or may not have eight appendages. Spider emoji. Winky face emoji."
He closes the private message with a satisfied noise, "And that's how it's done. Gotta leave 'em wanting more. He'll be back, Kelly, don't worry. He's thinking about it. It will stick with him. Heh, stick. Get it? Because I'm a spider and I'm sticky."
Kelly facepalms, regretting all the life choices that has led her to this moment.
"Jimmy, eighteen, interested in Fortnite and watching anime. Well that's nice and all, Jimmy, but what are you looking for in a partner, huh? What are your aspirations, what are you doing with your life? I need a man, not a boy!"
Spider-Man swipes viciously to the left and Kelly cracks up.
"Eddie, twenty-two, loves fast cars and getting his ---- wet. Wow, Eddie," Spider-Man deadpans, the harsh language getting censored. "You seem like a real keeper."
The profile picture shows a cocky looking young man in a tank top to show off his bulging arm muscles, baseball cap on backwards and squinting at the sun.
"If only there were some way to shield your eyes from the sun, you know? It's too bad they haven't invented something for that," he stares pointedly at the hat turned backwards, the bill of the cap uselessly shielding his neck instead of his eyes.
"Eddie wants you for one thing, and one thing only, Kelly," he looks at her seriously, "And it's not for respectfully introducing you to his mother."
Kelly throws her head back and laughs while several crew members titter. Spider-Man swipes left.
"Ooh, Mike, twenty-five," he gushes at an attractive man with a goatee. He swipes right. "No match, sorry Kelly. It's okay, he had a knockoff Tony Stark beard anyway."
He brings up the next candidate. "Dan, twenty-five. Hmm," Spider-Man hums, unimpressed. The man is posing against a wall in a pair of low-cut jeans and is not wearing a shirt. He is impressively cut with a dusting of chest hair. The arachnid swipes left and Kelly makes a small wounded noise.
"No Kelly, don't let the false advertising fool you," he chastises, "If you look out the window behind him, you'll see there's about three feet of snow on the ground and his nipples look like they could cut glass. He's not half naked because he's just getting comfortable. We don't need a try-hard. You deserve better."
Kelly laughs and blushes, her hands covering her cheeks.
"Jared, thirty-three," Spider-Man says, as the screen displays an older looking man holding a real looking sword, profile proclaiming that he will 'protect you from all who wish you harm'.
"REE REE REE," Spider-Man suddenly screeches out, imitating the violins that screech in horror movies just before someone promptly gets murdered as he swiftly swipes left. Kelly looks horrified and relieved at the same time.
"This guy doesn't even have a picture of his face," Spider-Man complains, browsing through the several random landscape photos on his profile. "Sketchy!" He swipes left.
"Nope, nope, nope," He says mercilessly, swiping left for the next three guys.
"Wow, check out Abe, forty-one. He's really digging his cereal!" The photo shows a gentleman with thinning hair, grinning madly and holding a bowl of cereal and a spoon in his hands. "You know what? I appreciate the enthusiasm for his interests."
Kelly groans in despair as Spider-Man swipes right.
"And we got a match! This could be the one for you, Kelly! I feel good about this one!"
He opens the private message window and types, while narrating, "All eight of my eyes are focused on you, baby. Hmu."
"Oh God," Kelly groans, laughing.
"Next we have Carl, thirty-five," Spider-Man says, "He's got a bad boy look to him, doesn't he? Who knows, maybe he's secretly just a big softie." He swipes right on the angry-looking man with a sleeve tattoo and sends him a private message.
"Hey baby. Winky face emoji. Do you have a prison record or nah?"
Kelly laughs loudly in shock, "No! Oh my God!"
Spider-Man shakes in silent laughter.
"Well, hello, Charlie, thirty-three, who is a firefighter," Spider-Man purrs in his bedroom voice. "Nothing sexier than a first responder."
The profile picture shows a handsome brunet with a kind smile and fit body. Spider-Man promptly swipes right and private messages him. Kelly gulps nervously.
"You make my trichobothria quiver."
Kelly groans, disappointed but unsurprised at this point.
"Liam, twenty-seven! Ooh, a student at ESU," Spidey gushes. "Gotta appreciate someone aspiring to higher education!"
He swipes right on the friendly-looking young man in a hoodie and private messages him.
"Are you the square root of negative one? Because you can't be real..."
The app pings with a private chat message.
"Ooh, Charlie the firefighter just responded! That was fast. I guess he's not dealing with any emergencies at the moment." Spider-Man shrugs.
"He says, 'I don't know what that is, but I bet that's not the only thing I could make quiver.'"
Spider-Man stares into the camera and fans himself with his free hand.
"That's bold, Charlie. Tell me, would you let me caress you tenderly with my pedipalps?" He narrates to the app's speech to text feature.
He giggles to himself and brings up the next profile.
"Noah, thirty, studying medicine. This is great, Kelly! If, in future, you decide to take up a life of vigilantism, you'll have somebody to patch you up when you're wounded. Take it from me, that's an important asset to have." He points at her to make sure she's paying attention.
Kelly grins awkwardly, "That's good to know, thanks."
Spider-Man swipes right and the app dings with a match.
"Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are CuTe," the vigilante sends in a private message.
Kelly snorts and shakes her head.
"Don't worry, Kelly, he's a smart guy. He'll understand that one."
"Harold, twenty-nine. Happy, is that you?!" He exclaims. "Wait, who am I kidding? Happy's only twenty-nine in his dreams." He swipes left.
The app dings again with a message from Charlie the firefighter, 'Baby, you can caress me with anything you want.'
Spider-Man does a sexy growl in the back of his throat again which sets Kelly off into a laughing fit.
"Well," Spider-Man deadpans at the camera, "I never imagined my Thursday night I'd end up sexting a hunky male firefighter. Boy is he going to be disappointed when he finds out who he's really talking to." He perks up jokingly, "Or maybe he secretly digs arachnids?
"Spider web bondage. Are you into that or nah?" The vigilante messages back. He keeps a straight face for an impressive four seconds before breaking into laughter, the crew joining in.
"Listen," he implores Kelly earnestly, "These are the important questions we need to ask."
Kelly nods, pursing her lips to hold in her grin.
"You know, I never would have thought to ask these things. I'm so glad you're helping me out," Kelly says with as serious a face as she can muster.
"Right?! I told you I was an expert."
Kelly makes an uneasy face at the camera that completely undermines everything she just said and the crew laughs as Spider-Man browses through the app without looking up.
"Oh hell no. Yeah, I don't think so. What the hell?" The arachnid mumbles to himself, swiping left on half a dozen profiles. "What the hell is wrong with some of these people? 'On our first date I'll carve our names into a tree. It's the most romantic way to let you know I have knives'. Is this guy secretly Natasha Romanov? Nat, is that you?" He squints at the picture suspiciously on the phone and scrolls through the additional photos. He shrugs after a moment and moves on.
"I hope you like bad boys," Spider-Man reads from the next profile, and snorts before continuing, "Because I'm literally bad at everything. I appreciate your candor, James, but I'm afraid I am a lady with discerning tastes and you'll have to try harder than that."
He swipes left.
"Ooh, here we go, I enjoy long walks on the beach! That is a pretty solid opener. Oh," he cuts himself off, disappointed after reading ahead. "Until the acid wears off and I realize I've been dragging a naked mannequin around a Denny's parking lot for an hour."
Spider-Man blinks slowly at the phone and looks up to stare into the camera. "You know what? After this long as a vigilante in New York, this doesn't even surprise me. I've honestly seen worse. Just make sure it stays mannequins, Noah, or you'll end up on Spidey's naughty list. You don't want to end up there."
He clears his throat and tells Kelly, "Only, like, the not fun naughty list. Totally separate to the fun naughty list."
Kelly's eyes widen in uncertainty and she eyeballs the camera, unsure whether to nod seriously or laugh.
Spider-Man takes no pity on her and maintains a straight face as he swipes left and looks at the next profile.
"Ooh, another student! Oliver, twenty-five, studying accounting. Well, we won't hold that against him."
He swipes right and private messages him, "Hey, winky face, can I have your significant digits?" He nods to himself, feeling very proud and Kelly looks at the camera with an incredibly pained expression on her face.
"Hmm, let's see," Spider-Man soldiers on, "Kenzo, thirty-four, apparently has never been to jail before except when playing Monopoly. Not sure what he looks like since there's only a picture of his dog. Unless he's the dog? In which case I'm really impressed he can play Monopoly, he has no opposable thumbs! Who's a good boy?!" He coos at the phone exaggeratedly. "You could surely do worse than a drooly pitbull, right?" He asks Kelly, who shrugs in agreement. He swipes right but doesn't get a match. "Bad dog! Bad!"
Kelly playfully pouts and then laughs.
"Who's next? Hmm, we have Tim, forty, who likes it rough, apparently. Well Tim," he flirts in a private message after swiping right and getting a match, "I only bite if you ask me to. I promise I'm only slightly venomous."
He looks up at the camera and his eye lenses flare with an eyebrow waggle. "Am I joking or serious? I guess you'll never know."
He declines another couple matches and pauses on Ken, twenty-four.
"Another pharmacist!" He exclaims and opens the private message window. "Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element."
He giggles to himself and ignores some of the confused replies popping up from the men finally reading the strange pickup lines
"Ohoho, Devon! Check this out, he's studying archaeology!" He looks at Kelly and excitedly points at the screen. "Dinosaurs, Kelly! Dinosaurs!"
"Isn't that paleontologists?" Kelly mumbles and scratches the side of her head.
Spider-Man waves a disinterested hand at her and private messages Devon, "Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you."
"Hah!" He laughs to himself, extremely proud.
"Last one," a crew member announces off screen, to which Spider-Man sighs in relief.
"Thank goodness, I was running out of good pick up lines."
"Good?" Kelly asks the camera incredulously in a low voice, eyebrows relocating to her hairline.
Spider-Man barrels right over her, "Let's find our last victim. Suitor. I meant suitor." He coughs. "William. Ooh, he's handsome!"
The profile picture shows a smiling blonde posing next to a lamp post in a charcoal pea coat and scarf.
"Nice! Looking sharp, Will! And, oh-" he trails off, disappointed. "He works for The Daily Bugle."
He stares quietly into the camera for several moments, prompting Kelly and the crew to break into laughter at the coincidence of the web slinger coming across someone who works for the newspaper that is notorious for hating Spider-Man.
He looks at Kelly, who grins back, and says, "I like to live dangerously, Kelly. YOLO."
He swipes right and opens private messaging.
"So. What do you think of Spider-Man?"
The crew dissolves into mirth again and Spider-Man's shoulders shake in silent laughter.
"Alas, we'll never know if he digs Spider-Man. You'll have to let me know. The suspense is killing me."
Kelly snorts and nods to shut him up
"Oh and firefighter Charlie," he says to the camera before holding his thumb and pinky up to his ear in an approximation of a phone and whispers, "Call me!"
The video fades to black as Spider-Man hands Kelly back her phone, breaking into genuine laughter as he chokes out, "I'm so sorry!"
It's hard to tell whether he thought he actually had game with those terrible pickup lines or whether he just spent 11 minutes trolling the staff at Vanity Fair.
Nah, you can hear him cracking up at the end. He was just trollin.
I feel cheated that we'll never find out if firefighter Charlie is into spider web bondage or nah
He was right, that hot dog man totally wants him lol
Where does he get all these terrible puns and pickup lines? It's almost as impressive as it is cringey
I suddenly feel concerned that Spidey is way more spidery than I previously thought...
Spidey is an independent lady with high expectations
Omg he straight up asked that dude if he had a prison record hahahahaha dead
I'm not even going to lie, if spidey came at me with any of these pickup lines they'd totally work.
I wonder if he actually is venomous?
Spidey could absolutely bite me any day
I wanna be on Spidey's fun naughty list! What's a girl gotta do to get on that?