The way he makes me feel, I can’t explain.
Very well, anyway. But I’ll try, ‘cause writing’s always made me feel better, more in tune with reality, me feelings. Black and white, or in song, just makes it more real. Albeit scary. But anyway, it- it feels euphoric. For a moment I’m not Alex, almost. Someone else, someone happier, freer. He makes me forget, just for a second. I can’t even begin to piece together a sentence about how it feels, when he’s, wait for it, inside of me. That is strange to type. But it really is- it feels so unbelievably good, though it hurts at first sometimes. The first time were almost torture, although I would never tell him, I couldn’t walk for a week afterwards without questions. Banged me leg, I’d say. If only they knew.
If it hurt so much, why did you carry on? One may ask- it were the look on his face, the noises he made. The way that made me feel- I’ve never felt like this about, well, anyone. It did get better, much better. You’ll get used to it , he said, I promise. God, I did. It feels like, not all those cliches, not butterflies, fireworks. I feel dizzy, I feel like I die and come back. Like the whole world flashes white or black and then suddenly I’m breathless in his arms, him too. I hope he feels the same. To believe that I weren’t even aware I was capable of feeling such things before seems a terrifying waste. But it’s okay now, and I can’t get enough, which is awfully vulgar of me but the truth.
It’s not an explosion, rather an intense feeling of satisfaction all in one go. Of relief. And the build up, dear God. My favourite is probably when I'm on top of him or when my legs are wrapped around his waist in some form or another. I can't even look at him for fear of being overwhelmed. And when I do, it's all in slow motion, always. The feeling, the pressure, the things it does to me are unholy. His strong hands gripping me in places, I love that too. I love being his, more than anything, and I don’t know what it is, or why, psychologically, I feel that. To just have someone do it all for you, and to enjoy it so much, is so much fun.
I realise all this in a second; it flashes white before my eyes like a wave that has been waiting to crash my whole life. I realise it when, after this euphoria, we face each other on our sides wrapped up in messy white sheets, and I look into his eyes and I see it. I see how he makes me feel. He’s talking but I’m not listening, I nod and smile, drownin’ in hazel and the wave. It spills and spills and I try to plug it by cutting him off with my lips, my thighs next on either side of his hips. Shut up, I say, I need you, I need you again.
I’m doing this because I can’t stand the thought that I might be in love with you, is what I wish I could say. I’m cutting you off and we do this all night because I’m hiding from words, I want you to hurt me, make me feel so good that I don’t feel anything else for a moment at all. God, and I want you. So much that it hurts.
And so every mornin,’ I push you away. Sometimes I’ll stop halfway through like now and realise what I’m doing, and leave. I slam the door, and I know how much I hurt you. I’m so sorry, the words won’t come right now, but I promise they will.
You’re an arsehole Alex I know Why do you do this to me I don’t know I need you to answer me Alex I can’t Why not Because I just can’t Miles WHY NOT BECAUSE I CAN’T NO MILES PLEASE DON’T BABY OW DON’T CALL ME THAT WHAT CALL ME YOUR BABY WHEN IT’S NOT TRUE PLEASE STOP IT OW YOU’RE HURTING ME STOP CRYING MILES PLEASE LET ME GO-
I deserved it- I never should have complained. Quite honestly I would have let you beat me to death, if that’s what you wanted. I can imagine it quite well, the blood. I would let you, because it was better than being gay. I would still let you, because I can never forgive myself.
Phew. I hope you never have to read that. But now, as I look at you sleeping, it was all worth it. The sheets are still tangled, but there’s yellow sunlight plastered upon them, upon your back. I run a hand through your hair. I hug a coffee mug and then type, pretend to be blissfully happy for now. I’m in so much pain, Miles. So much.
I’m sure you can tell, when almost every time I look at you I burst into tears from a combination of guilt and happiness- I can feel it coming on right now, so I’ll wrap it up. I love you, but you have to give me time. I wish I could’ve just said this before, but I’m ready now. I know I’m the most annoying person you’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing, but I’m ready if you are.
I know you are- you’ve been ready all your life.