“And I tell the man
I love him so
He breaks my heart but I don’t ever want to let him go
He is safe and he is all I know
I love him so
Even though he left and hasn’t come back
I wait until he returns
I think I still love him so”
(I Love Him So, Poems From a Healing Heart, Agust D, pg. 1)
It’s deafening as he lays on the bathroom floor cold and alone.
It’s chilling as he tries and feels for something, anything.
It’s heartbreaking as he looks down to his hands. They are bloody and filled with shards of glass. He doesn’t understand how he has gotten to this point and won’t ever understand.
He left him and it hurts. It hurts more and more, over and over again. Constant memories flood his brain of them together, holding hands, kissing his cheeks, loving him with everything he once had.
He loves him so much. And once upon a time ago he was loved back by the same person who broke his heart. He isn’t sure if it is truly love. But he is all he knew.
Where did he go wrong?
He has asked himself this too many times. He blames himself, he is the reason why he can’t look at himself in the mirror anymore. He is the reason why he broke all the mirrors in this god forsaken house. He is the reason why he can’t go on. It is all his fault, no one else's.
‘ Min Yoongi, you are a piece of art. Shown beautifully to the world but just like art you are cold and lifeless. You don’t give the love that I deserve. You don’t love me how I wish you did. That’s why I had to find someone else. You will always be so cold. You will always be incapable of love.’
Those were the last words he said to him. Was he really so cold? He was fragile, he knew this. But was he really lifeless? He didn’t know anymore.
He stands up and begins washing his hands and winces as the water stings his cuts. He picks the glass from his hands and his vision goes blurry as he does so.
He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he hears the first whimper escape his lips.
All he does these days is cry and cry and cry.
He doesn’t know what else to do but cry. They say that crying can be a good thing and that you should always cry to let out emotion, especially to let out bottled up emotions.
He realizes that maybe this isn’t healthy. Maybe he should get some help.
He also realizes that he deserves this and he doesn’t deserve help.
Where did he go wrong?
When Yoongi was a child, he loved to write. He wrote about adventures he thought up in his mind. He wanted to be like his mother who wrote stories. She was well known for her stories about detectives that battled evil, a dragon queen whose destiny was to rule the world, or even two lovers whose love was forbidden and communicated through a single tree. He loved his mother so much, the stories she wrote, and the ones that were only for him when she would tuck him in at night.
He was so happy and Yoongi loved the world that he lived in. He was a naive and innocent young child.
Yoongi realized at a young age that the world isn’t so kind. That being naive and innocent wasn’t going to cut it. He realized that the world is filled with hate and he needed to protect himself when his mother was ripped from his hands.
She was so young, so beautiful and so brilliant. Yoongi remembers her bright smile and her kind eyes. She was only twenty seven when this cold world decided to take her soul away.
She was murdered, that's what they told him. He didn’t understand at the time. The cops tried to make it simple for him.
A bad man who had been following his mother for months decided to take her life. An obsessive fan, they told him, a very very bad man.
His father was never around when he was younger and he never bothered to ask his mother who he was. He thought all families only had a mommy and when the kids at school asked him where his daddy was he gave them a funny look and responded with ‘what's a daddy?’
His mother was all he had and all he knew. Since she was gone he was forced to go into the custody of his father that he didn’t know of. The only thing that linked him to his father was the blood that was in his veins. He didn’t even carry his last name since he was not present for his birth.
He was forced to leave his home country and fly to an unknown land that he didn’t know the language of and never stepped foot into.
When he landed in the United States, Yoongi was holding the hand of the flight attendant that he had been in the care of. He looked up and around at all the different people that he saw that were cooing and smiling down at him. They all looked very different from what he was used to. The woman who he was being led by called out his name and he looked up at her as she gestured to something ahead of them.
He looked at the direction she was pointing at and he saw a tall man who was wearing a suit and holding his phone to his ear as he looked down at his watch.
Yoongi started crying when he saw the man that he presumed to be his father.
The flight attendant tried to coax him as best as possible as she picked him up and carried him to his father.
The man smiled at the older woman and grabbed Yoongi from her, setting him on the ground. He crouched down to meet the younger boy’s eye level
“Hello Yoongi. My name-”
Yoongi looked at the man confused and startled. Like he was speaking gibberish to him. The man smiled gently and began speaking in Yoongi’s mother language.
“Hello Yoongi. My name is Lee Hongseok but most people here know me as Daniel Lee. I’m going to be honest with you. I didn’t know you existed until two weeks ago.”
The man sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose and continued talking.
“But as a man, I must take action for my responsibilities. You are my responsibility now, Yoongi. You are my son and I will care for you.”
Yoongi began sniffling once again as the man grabbed ahold of him and hugged his small body. He hesitated as he wrapped his small arms around the others neck.
When his father pulled back and looked for any hurt, Yoongi leaned in and pressed a kiss to his father’s nose. The older man smiled and pulled him into another hug.
Yoongi believed he would be okay.
“You got so tired of me so quickly
My muse, our love was cold
You broke my heart when you knew I loved you
My muse, our love was bitter
You knew I was fragile and oh so sickly
My muse, our love was frozen
You played a facade, I thought you loved me too
My muse, our love was frigid”
(Muse, Poems From a Healing Heart, Agust D, pg. 14)
Yoongi knew hurt but he also knew love.
When he had come to America with only his small superhero themed luggage, he was terrified.
His father taught him love and care, just as how his mother taught him when she was alive. He was a busy man, sometimes barely at home due to his job in the United States Embassy as a translator for South Korean and American affairs. His father was older than Yoongi’s mother by five years. He once told Yoongi that he thought he never wanted kids but when he met Yoongi, his whole world change for the better.
When he was at home, Hongseok dedicated his time to Yoongi. They would go on small trips to theme parks, fishing at nearby lakes, and he would always make sure to read a bedtime story to Yoongi before going to bed. They were mostly his mother's stories that he would summarize for the younger.
Yoongi was forever grateful for his father.
Yoongi knew love and when he was told he was cold and lifeless, by the person he loved the most, he didn’t know how to react.
He had poured his entire soul to his lover, wrote countless stories about the way his skin glistened after making love or how his hands fit perfectly wrapped in his.
Yoongi sobs into his blanket as he hears his front door being opened and the crunching of glass under shoes.
He listens to the confusion in the person's voice as their steps quicken and the knob to his door is opened and they inch slowly to his bed.
He’s too weak to move, with having not eaten a proper meal in what seems like years but only has been three weeks. He hasn’t taken a shower in days, his hair greasy and matted as he shoves his face into his pillow covered in snot and tears.
“Oh, my Yoongi-ah… What happened?”
He musters all the courage to open his swollen eyes and he is met with his fathers concerned gaze. He opens his mouth and he lets out a choked sob.
His father rushes to his side and sits on his bed, pulling his son into his lap as he clunches him to his chest.
“My sunshine, my sweet Yoongi. Please tell me what's wrong so I can fix it.”
His father strokes at his hair as Yoongi cries into his expensive suit. He shakes and sobs.
He feels so weak, so worthless.
“Appa.. I’m capable of loving, right?”
His father looks down at his only child in confusion and hurt. He presses a kiss to his forehead as he continues on rocking him back and forth.
“Of course you are, Yoongi. Your mother and I taught you love and we taught you how to love. You are filled with it because we both made sure to teach you only love and not hate. Even if she is not here with us today, she still continues on teaching you this through her words.”
Yoongi sniffles quiet down as his father gave his small speech.
He continues on crying when he realizes that his father’s words aren’t enough to heal him. His words used to be the medicine to Yoongi’s doubt and hurt. He realizes that he may need more to fight this darkness.
“It hurts so much, Appa. I don’t know what to do. It hurts.”
His father pulls him closer, if it’s any possible, and shushes his child. Even at Yoongi’s older age, Hongseok sees the small boy that came to him when he was only five years old. He sees his innocent son who he would protect at any cost.
“He hurt me so much. He told me I was cold and lifeless. He told me I could never love, that I was incapable .”
Yoongi spits the last word out of his mouth like it’s poison.
Hongseok grits his teeth at the mention of the man who has hurt his child. He had always been hurting Yoongi with manipulation and his sly way of words.
“But you aren’t, Yoongi. You know that you love and give so much. You hold a talent that was given to you by your mother. She was a woman who loved unconditionally and who was so strong. We both decided that our relationship wasn’t going to work out due to my job. She never told me about you because she was so strong and stubborn, just how you are.”
Hongseok takes a deep breath as he continues on.
“I see so much of her in you, Yoongi. You look just like her and it warms my heart that Yerim lives in you. If your mother were here, she would want you to get up and live your life and not worry about that scum. I know it hurts right now but my sunshine, everything will be okay.”
Yoongi looks up at his father and sees a single tear roll down his face.
Yoongi has only seen his father cry a handful of times. Seeing him cry pains his heart. He wraps his arms around his father and hugs him tightly.
“You came into my life when I needed you most. I never told you this but I was on the brink of suicide. I talked to none of my family and work life was terrible. It felt like I was living in a hollow shell. You came to me and brought me daylight. That is why you are my sunshine.”
He would see the desperation in his father's movement and the hurt he carried with him. But he also saw the love his father radiated when he would look at Yoongi.
“I was ready to take my own life, Appa. I had the tub ready and the pills set on the toilet.”
His father's breath hitches as he comprehends Yoongi’s confession. Yoongi can hear his father muffled cries into his hair. They both continue on crying and holding each other as tightly as possible.
At that moment Yoongi knew love. Even if it wasn’t romantic love but he knew his fathers love. He also knew his mother’s love even if she wasn’t physically here with him. He knew he was loved, and that was all that mattered.
Yoongi was placed under intensive care for a week due to extreme malnourishment and dehydration. He was also placed under a suicide watch.
He was forced to eat and had an IV sticking out of his arm, he also had a psychiatrist on call at all times.
His father had made sure he was under the best care in the best hospital in New York. He’s been here going on two weeks and has gotten slowly better.
He has also been writing, something that he hasn’t done for a while because of his ex-lover. He told him that he was no good and that he should focus on another career. One that would make him more money.
Yoongi remembers what his psychiatrist had told him, emotional manipulation . He had degraded Yoongi, told him how worthless he was and made him believe that this was all his fault. He had even made Yoongi stop communicating with his father for a while. He had done so much hurt to Yoongi. Even after all the hurt he had put him through, a part of Yoongi still loved and longed for him.
His psychiatrist told him that it was normal to still long for him. That one day he would forget about him and write him off as a bad memory. She explained to him that a lot of people still have an attachment to their abuser because that was all they knew for such a long period of time.
Yoongi realized that they had been together for two years. A lying piece of scum that didn’t deserve Yoongi’s love. Two years of hurt, cheating, and pain.
But he still loved him.
Yoongi laughed at that. Why did he still love him? How could he still love him?
“Beautiful boy, with rough hands and nasty words. How could I love you? Beautiful boy, you were my whole world. How could-”
“Uh, Yoongi Min? I’m here to give you your nighttime medicine.”
Yoongi’s words had caught in his throat at the sight of the man in front of him.
He didn’t know his name or who he was, but he was beautiful .
“Who are you? Isn’t Catherine supposed to administer my medicine?”
Catherine had been Yoongi’s personal nurse who had been with him since he came with sunken eyes and tear stained cheeks. Yoongi had adopted her as a friend. She was very kind and sneaked Yoongi chocolate once in a while.
The man looked down sheepishly and stepped into the room, playing with the stethoscope around his neck.
“I’m Jeongguk or JK. Catherine had a family emergency to attend to and asked me to cover her rounds. She also gave me very specific instructions for you.”
Yoongi smiled and took the medication from the others hands. He was handed a small cup of water as he gulped down the pills as well as the cool water.
“I have to, you know..”
Yoongi opened his mouth wide and lifted up his tongue so the nurse can see if he had actually taken them. He knew the drill.
Jeongguk smiled at him as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of peanut butter M&M’s, his favorite.
“Catherine told you these are my favorite?”
He nodded as he handed the packet over to Yoongi. Yoongi opened the packet carefully as he began to sort each candy to their designated color pile.
“I rarely see people eat their M&M’s like that.”
He let out a chuckle and Yoongi looked up and shrugged as he went back to the task at hand.
“I can’t eat them any other way.”
He pops a red candy into his mouth and starts slowly chewing on the sweet treat.
“Are you a songwriter?”
Yoongi shook his head no and swallowed the treat as he was done chewing. He put another one in his mouth and ate that one as well.
“No, I’m a poet. Or writer. Whichever one sounds cooler.”
Jeongguk laughs and shakes his head as he turns and looks at Yoongi’s vitals and starts writing down on the clipboard that is usually placed at the front of his bed.
“Well, your poetry sounds good. I hope to read it someday. If you need anything I’m on call so just press the button. Try and get some rest, Yoongi-ah. It’s getting late.”
Yoongi smiles at the Korean formalities and waves goodbye to the other.
With the bunny smile and soft hands
How you make my heart flutter
But I’m scared to touch you
My heart is as soft as a feather
Why? Because I once knew a Beautiful Boy
Who loved to break my heart
He sold my love and took me apart
Please be gentle
It is all I ask”
(Beautiful Boy, Poems From a Healing Heart, Agust D, pg. 27)
Jeongguk Jeon was born into a small family. His mother and father both immigrated from South Korea to the United States in the early nineties. They had moved to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and began their life there.
Jeongguk’s mother was pregnant with Jeongguk’s older brother, Byungcheol, when they had arrived to the states. They then had Jeongguk three years later and Jeongguk’s younger sister, Heejin, three years after he was born.
They were an average sized family who made a steady income but they weren’t the richest or the poorest. Jeongguk’s parents always provided for their three children and made sure they were always healthy and happy. Jeongguk grew up in a loving home, and he was grateful for his parents and he loved them tremendously.
Jeongguk had went to college in Pennsylvania and had obtained a nursing degree, his whole family congratulated him and his mother gushed about how proud she was to their family overseas. He was offered a job in New York that was guaranteed a great starting salary as well as amazing benefits. He would have been insane to turn it away. It was sad to bid goodbye to his family but he made sure to visit them regularly and he also would send his family money when they needed it.
Jeongguk was good, he was as close as you can get to perfect. He had an amazing personality and one of the brightest smiles you’d ever seen. He was also beautiful.
Yoongi realized how beautiful Jeongguk was the first time he laid eyes on him.
Those words made Yoongi throw up a little in his mouth.
Love at first sight.
Yoongi shivered internally at the statement, it wasn’t love. It couldn’t be because Yoongi’s heart still belonged to another.
But Jeongguk was so good. He was all Yoongi needed but he knew deep down inside that Jeongguk was too good for him. He knew Jeongguk deserved better. He deserved a small house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a pregnant wife. He deserved happiness and that was something Yoongi couldn’t give him. So he had to push the idea of perfect Jeongguk to the back of his head.
Jeongguk had become one of his regular nurses after he had substituted for Catherine two weeks ago. Yoongi had asked his father for Jeongguk to be added to his team of people that were helping him get better, slowly but surely. Yoongi knew it was a bit selfish to have the man so close to him but it was only for a couple weeks until he can finally leave and he’d probably never see Jeongguk ever again.
“Who is your dad?”
Jeongguk had asked him while they were playing Scrabble in the small garden that divided the ICU from the the next wing of the hospital. Yoongi was taken out of the ICU and placed in another wig next to it, just in case he needed to be placed back into intensive care.
“He’s an important person, I guess.”
Jeongguk raises his eyebrow as he places an ‘A’ down on the board to complete the word Euphoria.
Yoongi looks up from his letters to squint at the word Jeongguk completed.
“Euphoria? You can’t do that..”
Yoongi furrows his eyebrows and bites his lip. Jeongguk smiles at the concentration of the other. He finds him endearing.
“Actually, yes I can. There isn’t anything in the rule book that says I can’t place this word.”
Yoongi glares at Jeongguk and goes back to looking at his letters and smiles as he places the final letter to his word, Inure.
“My dad is kinda like an ambassador for South Korea and the United States. He translates a lot for the two countries and also goes with the president to translate for him when needed. So yes, I guess he’s kinda important.”
Jeongguk nods as he places another letter onto the board.
“Wow so fancy.”
Yoongi laughs at his words and looks up to the other. Jeongguk is ertheral, beautiful, all the gorgeous words that the English language can offer. Jeongguk is more, so much more than himself. Yoongi is darkness and Jeongguk is light. Yoongi is broken and Jeongguk is whole. Yoongi is a disease and Jeongguk is beautiful.
He’s taken out of his thoughts when Jeongguk touches his hand, softly.
Jeongguk smiles at him, and Yoongi notices the way the side of his eyes crinkle. He notices the way his nose twitches. He remembers that and places it into his memories. He’ll write about the way his eyes twinkle, later.
“It’s your turn! Keep up, slowpoke!”
Yoongi looks back down to his letters.
Beautiful Boy, please be gentle with my heart. It’s made of glass and can be easily taken apart. This is all I ask.
Yoongi woke up feeling terrible three days later after Jeongguk and his mini Scrabble tournament. He woke up with a pain in his chest as well as feeling like he was on the verge of tears.
He stayed in bed the whole day and refused to eat, leaving his meals to get cold and barely drinking water when he was given his medication.
He didn’t greet Jeongguk when he came in mid day to give him his afternoon medication. He shoved the pills into his mouth and swallowed a gulp of water and laid back down in his bed with his back turned away from the nurse.
He also didn’t say anything when Jeongguk placed a packet of peanut butter M&M’s onto his side table.
Jeongguk went to go touch the other before retreating his hand back, in fear of rejection.
“I’m always here, Yoongs.”
Yoongi has a panic attack that night.
It started around 12:29am.
He was staring outside of his window when all of a sudden he couldn’t breathe. His breath was coming out in short pants, the pain in his chest had reached another level he didn’t believe he could feel. Sweat came pouring from his hairline and his hands were shaking uncontrollably.
He couldn’t breathe and that’s what scared him the most.
Am I gonna die?
His mind was racing at 100 miles per hour and he felt like he couldn’t concentrate. Everything looked bleary and he couldn’t steady himself.
Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Am I gon-
Yoongi gasps as he is pulled from the racing thoughts and looks up to the voice that shouted his name. Jeongguk is looking down at him with concern with multiple of other nurses and the doctor that was on duty that night surrounding him.
“You are having a panic attack right now. I am going to need you to take a deep breath with me. Follow my lead and continue on until I tell you to stop.”
Jeongguk turns his neck to the side and shouts something to a nurse behind him. His jaw tenses and his brows furrowed as he screams to each of the people behind him. Yoongi feels a cold cloth placed on his forehead.
Yoongi breaths in and out as Jeongguk does. Jeongguk has a gentle hand placed on his cheek as Yoongi has a death grip on his wrist.
“It’s okay. It will be okay. Come back to me, Yoongs. Come back to me.”
Jeongguk whispers to Yoongi. Yoongi closes his eyes and continues on following the breathing pattern. Yoongi hears the doctor saying a number but he can’t fully comprehend what it means.
“You are doing so well, Yoongi. You are so brave, so strong.”
His breathing finally steadies after ten minutes. His hold on Jeongguk’s wrist loosens and he begins to sob. He clutches onto Jeongguk’s shirt and cries. He cries so hard he starts hiccuping and he can hear Jeongguk murmur something to the rest of the staff that is present in the room with him. They shuffle out seconds later.
“It’s going to be okay, Yoongs. Ggukkie is here.”
Jeongguk shifts onto his bed and wraps his arms around the others shoulders and holds him close.
Yoongi whispers into his neck as he finally calms down after a couple of minutes.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Yoongi. Everything will be okay. You will be okay.”
I’ll be okay.
“ I’m sorry I am this way
cold and distant, so at bay
as well as beaten and bruised
I wish I was better for you
I’m sorry that you met me like this
torn and fragile
blue and frozen
I wish I was better for you
I’m sorry I am not what I know I can be
I’m sorry that he hurt me
(I’m Sorry, Poems From a Healing Heart, Agust D, pg. 33)
Yoongi’s recovery is delayed because of the panic attack he had. It made him weaker and his heart rate hasn’t been as steady as the doctors wish it would be.
Even though Yoongi is in physical pain, his mental state is better.
He feels free.
Yoongi feels like himself once again. He doesn’t feel the hands of him on his body anymore. He doesn’t have night terrors where he wakes up in a pool of his own sweat.
He feels whole.
Of course, there is still that dull aching pain that will probably never go away. He will always have a claim on Yoongi whether Yoongi likes it or not. That is what scares him the most.
Will I ever be able to love again?
Yoongi asks himself that daily.
Then he remembers Jeongguk exist. The beautiful boy that has been invading Yoongi’s thoughts too often.
He constantly has to remind himself how unfit he is for Jeongguk. He has to remind himself that Jeongguk is too good.
Jeongguk is there for the duration of Yoongi’s recovery. They stick to their normal schedule and at night Jeongguk sits by Yoongi’s bed and they talk for sometimes hours. Yoongi woke up one day to Jeongguk’s head resting on the edge of his bed as Catherine had her eyebrows raised at the pair.
Jeongguk looked beautiful as he slept, it crushed his soul to wake up the boy next to him when he looked so peaceful.
Yoongi learns so much about Jeongguk in the following days that he stays with Yoongi at night.
Yoongi learns of his family and about his dog, who he was kinda allergic too but couldn’t dare give him away because he loved him too much. He also learns of his two closest (and only) friends, Hoseok and Taehyung. Hoseok is another nurse in the hospital but he works in pediatrics. Jeongguk gushes about how great his hyung is with kids and how he can’t wait for Hoseok to have kids of his own so he can be their cool uncle.
“Hyung, have you ever heard of V?”
Yoongi nods as he chews on his lunch for the day which is potatoes, chicken, and broccoli with a small pudding cup on the side. Yoongi is tired of the such bland food.
“Yes, of course I have. Who hasn’t?”
Yoongi scoffed, of course Jeongguk had to be best friends with one of the most famous designers in the entire world. Hearing of Jeongguk’s friends made him think of Seokjin and Namjoon. He hasn’t talked to them in ages, ever since Yoongi started dating him . Yoongi was forced to cut off any friends that he had and he could only hang out with the people that he approved of him.
Thinking of him leaves a sour taste in his mouth.
How can someone be so cruel?
Yoongi also learns that Jeongguk’s father hasn’t been doing the best. Apparently he is battling stage four Lymphocytic Leukemia.
Yoongi remembers the night Jeongguk told him. He had been off the whole day, very distant and cold, the opposite of his usual happy and preppy self. Yoongi thought he did something wrong until the nurse sat down in his chair and rested his forehead on Yoongi’s bed.
He had looked up from his notebook and stared at the younger for a while.
“Jeongguk? Is everything okay?”
He had looked up with tears in his eyes and Yoongi’s heart broke at that moment.
He knew at that moment that he never wanted to see Jeongguk cry ever again.
“Hyung, I’m scared.”
Jeongguk went on to explain how his father had a stroke out of nowhere. He was cooking dinner for his mother and himself when he had just collapsed on the floor.
They found out the diagnosis at the hospital a couple of hours later. His mother had called Jeongguk in tears and speaking in her native tongue at lightning speed. She hadn’t understood what the doctor had told her due to her being in a state of shock and suddenly he had heard the voice of another woman explaining the situation regarding his father.
“He’s stable for the time being but I’m not sure for how long.”
Yoongi began stroking his hair as the other sighed into his bedding.
“It will be okay Guk-ah. Your dad is strong, heck he raised you. You are one of the most strongest and honest people I know. I know in my heart that if you are half what he is, then he will be okay. You must remain strong, for your family and yourself. And also for Cooky.”
Jeongguk laughed at the mention of his nuisance dog who he loves to pieces. Yoongi sighs as he starts braiding Jeongguk’s hair and continues on talking.
“When I was six, my mom was murdered.”
Jeongguk gasps as he shoots up and stares at Yoongi in shock.
“I was born in Daegu, South Korea. My mother was an amazing author who made a living by writing some of the most captivating and beautiful stories I’ve ever read.”
Yoongi smiles and looks down at his lap as he plays with the bracelet on his wrist. In the inside it reads Min Yerim in hangul.
“She was also a single mother. She never talked poorly of my father. She only knew love and kindness. She was one of the strongest people I knew. She deserved all the praise she had been given for her writing, but of course with fame there comes consequences. A man had been stalking her for a while. He had tried multiple times to ask her out and even proposed marriage. Of course, she politely said no.”
Yoongi takes a shaky breath in and glances at Jeongguk when he feels a hand wrapped around his. Jeongguk’s hands are warm compared to his cold ones. He gives a look of reassurance as Yoongi continues on speaking.
“I guess the last rejection was his final straw. The man who killed her stabbed her a total of thirty times. He left her there to bleed out on the concrete until someone finally found her the next morning. I lost my mother that day.”
He feels tears escaping his eyes as he quickly whips them away with his right hand. Jeongguk clenches at his hand with a tighter grip.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make this about me. But what I am trying to tell you if your dad makes it or if he does not. You will be okay. It hurts and you will cry, you will cry so much. But time goes on and your wounds will heal. If I can get through my hurt then you can too, Jeongguk. Like I said before, you are one of the strongest people I know.”
Yoongi is in full tears when he finishes his words to the younger. The room is silent for a couple of moments besides their sniffles and whimpers. Jeongguk stands and leans over to hug Yoongi. Yoongi is taken off guard for a moment until he finally hugs him back.
“Yoongi-hyung, everyday I realize how amazing you are. How strong and wonderful you are for going through this cruel life. I am so happy that I have met you.”
Yoongi cries harder at his words. They hug for a few minutes until Jeongguk finally pulls away and wipes away his drying tears. Jeongguk sleeps on the couch that night. He has made it a habit to sleep in Yoongi’s room.
That night Yoongi picks up one of his mother books that his father brought to him the last time he had visited.
There Are Angels Everywhere, You Must Be Patient.
This book had been about a young woman who loses her fiance to a tragic accident. Her fiance then is assigned to be her guardian angel and watches over her and tries to help her make the right decisions.
This had been one of Yoongi’s favorite stories his mother would summarize for him before going to bed. He had also asked his father to read the book to him growing up.
After Yoongi was born, whenever his mother had released a new book she had always made sure to give and dedicate the first copy to her son. He looks at the dedication on the back of the front cover.
My lovely Yoongi,
This is your mommy’s fourth published book!! Yay!! You are three years old and your eyes are so bright. You are so beautiful. You have your father's smile and it melts my heart to see him in you. He is a good man, I know he would have adored you.
Writing this book was very emotional for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint. The plot isn’t like my usual stories, so I am afraid it won’t be appealing to my audience. Fingers crossed they will enjoy his book as much as I enjoyed writing it.
If for some reason I leave this Earth early, I want you to know that even if I am not there physically I will be there spiritually. I will always protect you, my Yoongi. I won’t let any harm happen to you. Please never forget that.
I’ll make sure to bring you only good and to make sure you are okay. If you find yourself in a terrible situation, I’ll make sure I get you out of it. I’ll make sure after the storm I bring you sunshine. I’ll bring you daylight.
I am your guardian angel alive or not.
I love you so so much, my Yoongi. Right now you are sleeping peacefully by side me. Did I mention I loved you with my whole heart?
Her signature is small and delicate. He runs his fingers across her name and smiles. He shuts the book and looks over to Jeongguk’s sleeping form.
He is resting peacefully as he has a death grip on the pillow he holds tightly against his chest. Yoongi’s fading smile appears once again as he sees his nose twitch. Yoongi looks away as the younger shifts and turns off the small light next to his bed. Yoongi holds the book close to him as he whispers.
“Thank you, mom. Thank you for bringing me daylight.”
“Will you come visit me, hyung?”
“Jeongguk, you WORK here. I can’t really come bug you while you are WORKING.”
Yoongi sighs as he places the last book into his bag and turns over to the younger. Jungkook has a pout placed on his lips as he gives his best sad eyes. His stomach does little flips as he looks at Jeongguk.
“Okay. Maybe I will come visit you if you stop acting like a five year old who wants a cookie from the cookie jar.”
Jeongguk scoofs and scrunches his nose, a habit that Yoongi notices he has.
“I’m not a five year old.”
Yoongi laughs as Jeongguk crosses his arms around his chest and huffs.
“Oh yes, you are right. You are actually a baby.”
Jeongguk lets out a noise of betrayal and glares over at Yoongi. Yoongi turns back to his bags and continues on packing his objects.
“I’m really gonna miss you though, Yoongi. You always put a smile on my face in this place.”
Yoongi smiles down to the bag he is currently placing his writing tools and books that he brought with him to the hospital.
“But, I am really happy you have gotten better. You.. You look so healthy and you are glowing, hyung. Happiness looks so good on you.”
Tears start forming in his eyes and he turns around and wraps his arms around Jeongguk’s neck, pulling him into a hug.
“Thank you so much Jeongguk-ah. You really helped me during this stay at the hospital. I don’t know if I would’ve gotten through it if you weren’t here.”
Jeongguk wraps his arms around Yoongi’s waist and pulls him in closer as he holds him tight.
“You are so strong, Yoongi. Even without me you would have made it. I’m so proud of you. So so proud.”
They stay linked together for what seems like hours until they are taken away from their world with a cough.
“Yoongi? Your father is here.”
Catherine’s voice is filled with mischief as they break away from each other. Yoongi’s cheeks burn with embarrassment as he looks down to his shoes.
“I hope we weren’t interrupting anything..”
Yoongi looks up as he hears his father's voice and his face fills with delight. His father is smiling gently and the two of them. Yoongi lunges forward and hugged his father tightly.
He turns to Jeongguk as Jeongguk bows slightly to the older man.
“Hello Hongseok-ssi, or Mr. Lee? I-”
Jungkook rambles as he begins fidgeting with the badge connected to his uniform. Yoongi smiles fondly at the other as his father laughs.
“Ah, Jungkook-ssi, no need to be formal with me. You are a friend of Yoongi’s and I’ve heard of all the great things you have done for my boy. I am forever grateful for all you have done.”
Hongseok grabs Jungkook’s hand and squeezes it a little and looks at him with such sincere eyes.
“Thank you, truly, Jungkook-ssi.”
Hongseok lets go of his hands and smiles once more at the younger man. He then turns to his son, and leans down to hug him.
“I missed you so much, Yoongi. I’m glad you are coming home.”
“Thank you for letting me stay with you, Appa.”
“Of course, my son. It is too lonely with you anyways.”
They hug for a while longer and Jungkook smiles at the pair. When they finally pull apart, Yoongi locks eyes with Catherine and smiles.
“All ready to check out?”
Yoongi glances and Jungkook then his father and nods.
“Yea, let’s go.”
“I wanna call you,
Wanna hear your strong voice
But I’m too scared to pick up the phone
When I touch the metal and glass
I wanna call you
So I can tell you how happy I am
So I can tell you how much you’ve changed my life
I wanna call you
To tell you how much I love you”
(I Wanna Call You, Poems From A Broken Heart, Agust D, Pg. 47)