Chapter 1: ON A WING
Planes, trains, and automobiles. That's what their life was.
Currently, it was a plane they were on.
Bill was going insane (more than usual) and this was driving the Tokio Hotel drummer up a wall. I mean that figuratively of course, even though Gustav was slowly inching towards the window and away from Bill, who was sat next to him.
Gustav had his head covered in a pillow and was trying to drown out the increasingly shrill noises Bill was making as the plane took off. He didn't know if he could make it the whole plane ride if Bill was going to be acting like that.
Tom, however, who was across the aisle from Bill, seemed pretty unperturbed by the situation. Even more unbelievable to Gustav was how on earth Georg had fallen asleep so fast. The plane had barely taken off, and there was the bassist, on the other side of Tom, snuggled against the window with a pillow.
"Tom, don't you feel like there isn't enough oxygen?" Bill continued with what was becoming an increasingly whiney rant. "Tom?"
"Everything's gonna be fine. There's plenty of air. Just breathe."
"But what if there isn't?"
"Then they'll let down those yellow masks."
"But what if there isn’t enough air for our two hours we're on the plane?"
"Then I'll breathe for you. God, Bill, just... it's gonna be fine. Ok?"
"Ok," said Bill, and even though he didn't look 100% convinced, he'd begun to settle down.
Gustav could have kissed Tom for making Bill shut up. Truth is, he didn't like planes almost as much as Bill didn't, and having the boy beside him constantly what-if’ing the plane crashing or the air supply would not have made his stomach feel better. He moved the pillow from over his head to underneath it, and closed his eyes. Maybe he could fall asleep like Georg had and sleep through the short flight?
No such luck.
Half an hour into their flight, the plane have a harsh jolt.
Bill immediately dropped the earbuds from his ears, and his iPod flew into Gustav's lap.
"Toooommm!" Bill shrieked.
God, what a girl. How could Tom deal with that?
Gustav was in a bad mood. It wasn't his style to get hyper and excited like Bill. He showed his discomfort or stress by being even more quite and reclusive than regular. Bitter thoughts were rarely expressed. However, he did shoot Tom a disgruntled please-shut-him-up-again look.
Tom frowned at him.
Just then, the airplane bucked again, even more violently than the first time. Something about that didn't feel like regular turbulence, and sure enough, only seconds later, the captain could be heard on the PA.
"Ok guys, I hate to say this, but that was one of the engines giving out. Which, you guessed it-- isn't good. We're going to make an emergency landing A-SAP. Buckle your seatbelts, and please, please stay calm. Thanks. Ok."
"OHMYGOD!" Bill shrieked even louder than before.
It woke Georg up. "What's going on?" he asked.
"We're gonna die! That's what-" Bill exclaimed, exasperated.
"No, we're not," Tom cut in. "Bill, calm down. Really, calm down. You're being ridiculous."
Bill really was breathing way too fast as he fidgeted in his seat. Tom looked at his brother worriedly, then turned to Georg instead.
"We're making an emergency landing soon is what the pilot said."
Georg nodded. "Alright." He seemed fine. The bassist observed the other members of the band.
Gustav was bent down, holding his head between his hands and knees. Tom looked concerned over his brother, and Bill... well, Bill was clearly not taking the situation very well. Georg turned to look out the window. He didn't quite want to deal with PMS-Bill right now so he said nothing else.
Bill obviously did not have Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, but the G's liked to refer to Bill's moods that way. It's that time of the month again, they'd say to tease him. Georg chuckled at the thought inwardly as he stared at the clouds.
"-The engine gave out?! We lost an engine! God, do you think it went flying off, or just stopped working? Like, is it even possible to detach from the plane? I hope it doesn't hit someone's house below. Oh god…"
Bill's rant was beginning to get a little nonsensical. Tom rolled his eyes.
"Bill. Bill! It didn't fly off, ok? God, you can be silly."
The plane shook more violently yet again. Bill grew quiet for a second. His eyes grew more fearful. Tom could tell. And then the plane gave more small jolts. Tom was officially rather scared also. Bill reached for his brother's hand across the aisle and Tom grasped it firmly.
After a while, Bill's rant continued.
"I'm too young to die, Tom! Think of the fans. I don't want to be on the evening news. I don't want to be in the obituaries on page ten. I don't even want to be on the front page for dying. I want to be on the front page for our next song! Tom, think of our next song…" Bill's eyes searched Tom's.
"-Think of how many awards we could win. I want to make a new music video. In German and in English-"
Tom just held Bill's hand and listened to his rambling. It made him feel... he didn't quite know what he was feeling right now. There were too many emotions at once.
"-I never learned English better. We're never going to be famous in America. I suck. And know I won't have the chance to get better!"
Bill looked exasperated, and on the verge of a breakdown. Tom's first clear thought was that he needed to make Bill feel better. Bill couldn't keep talking like that. He got up from his seat and kneeled at Bill's side. He still held his brother's hand and briefly brought it up to his face. It calmed Bill slightly.
"Come here," Tom said as he undid the safety belt from Bill's lap. He stood and pulled Bill with him into the empty seats behind, so they could sit together.
They buckled their seatbelts again, and Bill reclaimed his twin's hand. He held it tight on the arm rest between them, and Tom stroked Bill's hand with his thumb.
"Tom, think of all the things we're never going to get to do."
Tom's attention was on Bill now, and the young singer would not stop his rant just yet. His brother still had breath in him, which Tom knew he would spend talking. But the words coming out of Bill's mouth were slowly breaking Tom's heart.
"-I'm never going to get to sing again, or perform on stage. I'm never going to hear all those screaming fans, and I'm never going to hold a mic and scream my lungs out into it. Gosh, I'm never going to pen another song in that notebook of mine. I'm never going to hear you play your guitar again..."
Tom couldn't help it, but he was being pulled into those feelings. This was a horrible place to be. Horrible thoughts to think. The plane, rational thought, and the rest of the world was disappearing around him and all he could hear were Bill's woes.
Bill was now staring at the head of the seat in front of him. "With my luck," he said, "I'll be the only one that dies... The plane will crash and I'll be the only one."
At first, Tom didn't even know how to respond. He couldn't imagine his life without Bill.
"Don't even say those words."
"Why not? You'll all live on and find another lead singer."
" 'Course I'm not. I don't play any instruments. I bitch about everything, and everything of mine smells like hairspray. You'll even be better without me-"
"I could never be without you."
"-You'll live on and find someone who you'll love and get married. And me…"
"There'll never be anyone who I can love more than you."
"…I'll be the only one." Bill looked away from the folding table in front of him and into Tom's eyes, which had been on him the entire time.
"I would die without you."
Tom had seemed desperate to make his brother understand this, but I don't think either twin quite knew what they were talking about. Their conversation had just drifted in the direction of the most pessimistic scenario Bill could have fathomed.
Perhaps it's a good thing that at that moment, the pilot came on the PA again. They were going to try landing at a private airstrip which was shorter than customary for a plane this size.
No more words were said after the announcement.
David, Tobi, Michael, and the rest of the Tokio Hotel crew on board, were at various states of calmness and panic but all were silent.
Georg kept his cool and tightened his seatbelt. His gaze was fixed on the ground below as the small airplane lost altitude rapidly.
Gustav was focused on fraying fabric of the headrest in front of him, and was trying very hard to control his breathing and think positively.
Bill and Tom held eachother's hand in an almost vice-like way. Eyes locked. What did the rest of the world matter at that moment?
Chapter 2: MY LIFE. YOUR HANDS.
After their plane landed safely at the very end of that tiny runway, a car was ordered and arrived shortly to pick them up. They were to drive the rest of the distance.
Tom took his seat in the back of the minivan beside his brother. Since the rocky touchdown, Bill was all he could think about. What he'd said to Bill.
Would I die without him?
Tom couldn't help wondering if he'd spoken a truth or just exaggerated.
Having had his life flash before his eyes --it was a rocky landing indeed-- his mind was now repeating the last moments endlessly.
The questions. The answers that came naturally to Bill's irrational ponderings.
I love him. He's my brother. Duh! We're twins and we've always been together. Obviously I love him. What kind of brother would I be if I didn't? We may not always see eye-to-eye and we get on eachother’s nerves constantly, but whatever. That's really not what matters.
He thought about his question and came up with another very natural answer.
Yes, I would die for him. He deserves to hold my life in his hands. No one else does.
Tom was satisfied with the conclusion. Then he put the thoughts out of his mind, and he especially tried to forget the landing. God, it had been a close one they'd come out of. For a few seconds, Tom had actually thought they were going to plummet straight into the concrete and that would be the end.
The drive to the hotel was quieter than usual but not awkward. The only difference was that Bill was still holding Tom's hand.
Watching Bill struggle with his many pieces of luggage was usually quite humorous, all three boys agreed. The largest piece was on wheels, and he also had four smaller bags of varying sizes.
Tom, Georg, Gustav, and David sat around the car waiting for Bill to stack his numerous bags in a shape that wouldn't fall over in the next three minutes.
There were no groupies in sight at the back entrance of the Sheraton Hotel, and that meant they were carrying their own bags until check-in.
Tom looked down at his singular large rectangular luggage, and over at the navy and grey ones the G's held. Dave was typing a text message on his cellphone.
Bill had three stacked and was trying to heave a second over his shoulder.
Oh, Bill. You and those damn handbags.
“Because five pretty bags are prettier than just one!” Bill had once explained with a smug grin.
Tom didn't share his brother's love of designer handbags, --none of that Louis Vuitton or hounds-tooth print for him, thank you very much-- but something about tonight made him feel like he shouldn't just be sitting there watching the scene.
"Lemme carry one of those for you," he offered.
Bill dropped the two from his shoulder, happy to be rid of the weight. "You sure?" he asked skeptically. It was seldom his brother did such a thing.
Tom slung both bags over his own shoulder. "Yeah, don't worry about it," he said, and even took a third bag of Bill's in his hand.
Bill was momentarily dumbfounded, but quickly caught up with the rest of the group walking into the hotel.
Soon enough, four boys and one manager arrived at the tenth floor of the Sheraton, keycards in hand. Tom and Bill were sharing one room, and the G's another. The norm.
"Damned be that engine. We missed the AP interview today. I rescheduled you guys for the day after tomorrow," said David as they walked down the long green-carpeted hallway. "Tomorrow, be up by 8:00AM. We'll go over the schedule at breakfast. I still need to iron out security cuz of Saki's vacation. Lucky bastard is in Cancun."
David popped his card into the door's reader, said his goodnights, and disappeared.
"Night, Kaulitz, Kaulitz," said Georg with a salute to each twin. "We need a good rest after that shit today." And with that, the G's disappeared into their room also.
"Bill, you wanna use that key faster maybe?"
"Oh, yeah. I got it." He opened the door and held it open for Tom to walk through with the majority of the luggage.
"Thanks," Bill said once they were each lying on a bed.
"For carrying my bags."
"Big deal. You're welcome."
Bill kept staring at him. "Thanks for earlier also."
"..What I said on the plane. I was freaking out."
"Tom, I thought-"
"-I said it's ok. I understand. I was scared too, ok? We don't have to talk about it, and you don't have to apologize. Just let it go. We're fine now."
Bill hesitated. He felt like saying more, but didn't. If Tom said they were fine, then he would be fine with it. He had no reason not to be.
"Let's just go to bed."
"Yeah..." Bill got up and went to the bathroom. He felt emotionally exhausted. He was starting to feel stupid for being such a dipshit on the plane.
What the hell was his problem? Why couldn't he take it like Georg? Even Gustav was composed. But he, he had to make a scene. And Tom had to calm him down like always. Babysit him. Sometimes he really didn't know how Tom could stand him. Sometimes he couldn't stand himself.
For being such a hothead, Tom always managed to be extremely patient with Bill's moods. Or his whims. Or tantrums. Or was the more appropriate word for Tom's feelings 'tolerance'? Whichever it was, Bill was thankful.
He splashed water onto his face and looked up into the mirror above the sink. In it, he could see Tom in the bedroom. He looked back down at his wet hands.
Thank you, Tom.
Tom just lifted his bedcovers and got under them. He didn't change out of his clothes. He didn't feel like it. Today had been long enough.
Tomorrow, he would wake up to a day like any other. He would stop thinking about almost dying. He would stop thinking about Bill, and his stupid fear of airplanes, and his stupid rant. Their lives would continue like all of it never happened. Unaffected.
Too bad for Tom that there's a difference between the words 'without' and 'for'.
He thought he would die FOR Bill. But he'd said he would die WITHOUT him.
'Without' implies that the person or object is a lifeline. Something like air, water, or food. I guess it was only his subconscious mind that picked up on this.
Chapter 3: TRYING TO TURN BUTTERFLIES INTO CATERPILLERS
A week had passed since the emergency airplane landing.
Bill was becoming increasingly calm and composed; or so it seemed. He was actively trying to be more mature. To prove that he didn't need to be babysat by his older brother.
Tom was becoming more patient, protective, and caring with Bill. Or so it seemed. I'm not sure what he intended to achieve. It was as if he was trying to prove how much he loved his younger brother.
Other than that, life for Tokio Hotel went on as usual. Planes, trains, and automobiles. With many interviews, concerts, photoshoots, signings, after-parties, studio recordings, screaming fangirls, and hotels in between.
As I choose this chapter's plot from the list of appointments above, I feel I should warn the reader of what a ticking time-bomb the twins were.
If only I could warn the twins.
Bill was dependent on his brother. And Tom rarely showed he cared. I'm speaking in general of course. They were trying to go against eighteen years of routine. Essentially, one was pulling apart, and the other was pulling him back... this was just upside-down. This order was not how the Kaulitzes functioned.
The world continues to turn because of the delicate balance of everything. Little did they know, they'd just disturbed it.
This chapter begins in a car, on the way to a signing. The American version of their new album had just been released and the young German rockstars were booked up to the ears with appointments.
"That's the store right there, guys." David pointed out the window of their van, as they approached an HMV music store brimming with fans. Most of the crowd seemed to be in the street as the venue was obviously too small to house those numbers. "And I'm sorry to say that we'll have to go through the front door. It's just more polite for the fans this time."
The van slowed at the curve and screaming girls swarmed the car. They brandished signs, and declarations of love, and Tokio Hotel merchandise. A great many of the new album could be seen clutched in their hands.
"Alex and Tobi are going to part the crowd in the front for you guys, and Michael and I will be at the back. Ok?" He looked to the four boys in the back seats. "Any last questions?"
"Just two hours, right?" asked Georg.
"That's the plan, but you know how things are. Just look at the mass out there. It'll probably be longer." With one last look for outstanding questions, he pressed down on the door handle and the noise from outside started filtering in. "Get out there!"
The two security guards climbed out first and backed the crowd up and then the four boys filed out of the van. Bill was the last to descend. His long black hair was left down plainly, but his outfit was definitely one he'd put some time into. The fact that he was wearing a pair of emblazoned and buckled knee-high boots was evidence enough. He raised his head as his foot touched down on the pavement outside, and flashed a brilliant toothy smile to the fans.
David gestured for him from behind to get moving.
Bill was also the last in line at the signing table. However, as soon as he'd sat down, he was handed a microphone and motioned to stand up again. He could only assume what he was supposed to say.
"I'm very happy to see you all. We are all," he spoke to the crowd. The other three boys also stood up. He tried to use English words that he knew sounded alright. "Thank you for buying our new CD. We are very excited to be here and sign them for you. We are so happy about the welcome we have received here. It gets only better every time we return. Thank you!" He raised the microphone in the air and the fans gave out huge screams and hollers.
English was still foreign to the young German band, but they'd learned many phrases by heart, and now easy conversations were more possible.
Georg grabbed the microphone from Bill and said his piece, then handed it down the line to Tom, and then to Gustav.
"Alright. Let's get signing! I'm sure you are as excited as are we," Gustav said good-naturedly, and smiled for the crowd before them.
They sat down, and the seemingly endless line of fans started filing forth towards Gustav and down the line, ending at Bill. The girls were roped off and directed by security through a maze of stanchions, and told to have their CDs out and ready to be signed.
Tom twirled the black Sharpie marker in his hand and said hello to another girl in line.
"Hi Tom!" she said happily. "Thanks so much for signing this." She pushed the CD cover towards him. "I came all the way from Alaska to see you! I can't believe you're here."
"Wow. That's very far. Thank you for coming." The distance fans would travel to catch a glimpse of them had ceased to amaze him. It seems that hadn't changed here in the US. He scribbled his signature and passed the CD back to her with a smile.
"Thank you," she replied as she got ushered forward towards Georg by security.
After signing the girl's CD with a smile, Georg leaned towards Tom to say, "Dude, ALASKA! Now, that's far!"
"Meh. Remember the ones we met in Oslo, that'd come from some remote wasteland in north Russia? Those two were kinda cute too." He chuckled and handed a CD back to a fan. "Thanks for coming," he said in English.
Georg scribbled his signature and leaned back to Tom again. "Cute? Check out the one coming down the line, the one in blue. That's hot."
"Are you kidding me? When is being too blonde even possible?"
"They sleep with you too easily. Watch." Tom smirked and turned to the girl in blue that had just arrived in front of him. "Hey there,” he said.
“Hi Tom,” she giggled. “You’re my favorite, you know that?” Her glossy smile was wide as she talked.
“Well, I hope so.” He winked. Fuck! Flirting in English was harder! What was the word for ‘Well, I should damn well hope so, cuz my dick isn’t getting any smaller by looking at you!’?
He signed his name and added a smiley face beside it. He handed the CD cover back to the girl.
“I heard the Ritz is really nice here. The beds are really big, eh?”
Tom chuckled. God, he didn’t even need to say anything to prove his point. He glanced pointedly at Georg.
“Yeah, they are very big. Lots of room.” He hated his inability to come up with something better. Screw English!!
The girl moved on to Georg. “Too bad I’m not your favorite,” he said.
She looked a little dumbfounded at the statement. Probably mentally bashing her head against a wall.
“Oh. Well, I like you too of course,” she said, and that same flirtatious smile was plastered on her face again.
“Thanks. I hope to see you at the concert later.” He handed her CD back to her, and she moved down to Bill.
Bill leaned towards Georg after. “She was way too plastic. Can’t believe you like her.”
“Oh yeah, Bill? Well I’d like to see you pick a hotter one. Go on,” he smirked.
Bill signed another CD with a smile and took a quick look down the line of girls. He couldn’t see any he liked so far. “Ok, so I don’t see any hot ones, but check out the one wearing my hoodie. I didn’t know we made sizes that big.” He covered his mouth discreetly and tried not to laugh.
Georg’s face looked priceless. Bill rarely said those kinds of things. He looked to the girl Bill mentioned and bit his lip in a similar attempt at not laughing. “Oh god.”
Tom heard his brother and Georg’s conversation and also looked. He leaned back in his chair and looked at Bill. “Bill, you might be right, but you’re an ass.”
“A mighty good-looking one.” Bill smirked with a raised an eyebrow and then went back to signing what was in front of him. “Thanks for coming,” he said sweetly to the girl in front of him.
Tom looked through the line of fans again. “Ok, Georg, you see the one at the corner, with the short dark purple hair?”
“The one in gray?” Georg asked with raised eyebrows.
“Yeah, that one. That’s hot.”
“Really? I would have thought she was more Bill’s style.”
“She is,” Bill chimed in. “Not bad, Tom.”
Tom smiled. “I bet she’s wild in bed.”
Georg looked back at the girl with the purple hair. “Well, I totally agree, but I never would have picked her out.”
A little mousy girl in front of him cleared her throat. “Hi Georg,” she said shyly.
“Hey sweetie,” he said. The girl couldn’t have been more than ten years old. “Are you coming to the concert tomorrow?”
“No. Mom won’t let me. But I’m really happy to see you.” She took her CD back from Georg and hugged it to her, almost forgetting about Bill, before security ushered her along.
Bill leaned towards Georg. “Check it out,” he said, “there's actually a guy in line.”
“Where?” Georg looked around.
“One in the white t-shirt, three or four back from the girl with the purple hair.”
“Oh yeah. Didn’t recognize him as a guy. Oops.” Georg laughed. “Looks a bit like Andy, doesn’t he? Just with longer hair.”
“Why? Are you interested, Bill?” Tom leaned back with a cheeky grin.
“Maybe.” He stuck his tongue out at his brother.
Tom looked back at the line and back to Bill again. “Well, here comes your favorite.” Tom winked at him. Both Bill and Georg looked at who was next in line. The larger girl wearing the Bill Kaulitz hoodie had just passed her CD to Gustav to sign.
Tom handed a CD cover back to a tall girl with glasses, and smiled. Here came Mrs. Bill Kaulitz.
“Hey there. You know, Bill likes you,” he said to her, and glanced at Bill.
“Oh.” She looked confused. “Um, I like him too... and you also, of course.”
Tom signed her CD cover. “Thanks. You should tell that to him.”
“Um, ok.” Poor girl looked more confused. She stuck one hand in the pocket of the black hoodie, and stepped over towards Georg.
“Don’t pay them mind,” Georg told her. “Are you coming to the concert tomorrow?”
That seemed to revive the smile on the girl’s face. “Yeah, I can’t wait. I’m so happy you guys are here. I’m such a big fan!”
Georg passed back her CD cover, and security tapped her on the shoulder to keep moving.
Tom lifted his eyebrows. “No doubt about that.”
Thank god they were speaking German amongst themselves.
The girl stepped in front of Bill. “Tom said I should tell you I like you. And he said you like me too? Um, I assume he was talking about my hoodie?”
Bill could have strangled Tom right now. He shot his brother a deadly look. Tom just smirked and wiggled his lip ring in enjoyment.
“Yeah. I like when fans wears my hoodie,” he said to the girl.
She seemed happy. “Thanks, Bill. You’re so hot.”
“Uh, thanks.” He scribbled his signature really fast and handed it to the girl. He looked down the line of fans again to distract himself. Fuck you, Tom. The girl with the purple hair was talking to the girl in front of her, and the bleach-blond boy in the white t-shirt was fiddling with his cellphone. It gave Bill an idea.
“Georg.” He poked his friend in the arm. “Where’s the after-party tomorrow?”
“Duh. Which one did David say?”
“Uh...” Georg thought for a moment then attracted Gustav’s attention. “Hey Gus!”
Tom did the honors of shoving Gustav’s arm and nodding toward Georg.
“Where’s the after-party tomorrow?”
“Fluid Nightclub. Our spot is on the second floor.”
“Thank you,” Georg said, and relayed the information to Bill.
“Fluid Nightclub, second floor.”
“Next time, I’ll just ask Gustav myself, thanks.”
Tom got their attention again. “Guys, really, check out the brunette in black, three behind the guy who looks like a chick.”
“Funny, I don’t see anyone behind Bill.” Georg laughed at his own joke.
Bill kicked him in the leg. “Oh, we have a new joker in the band, don’t we? How’s your mom doing? Heard she was walking funny this morning after some CHICK left her apartment.”
“Ugh, what the fuck, Bill?!” Georg kicked him back but laughed anyway.
Tom cleared his throat. “Guys, the brunette…?”
They all looked over to the girl Tom mentioned.
Georg nodded. “Yeah, totally. Nice rack. But what’s with all the brunettes suddenly?”
“I haven’t pointed out any other brunettes.”
“Well, ok. The purple-haired chick, I mean.”
“What about her? I’m just saying this one’s hot. Great cleavage.” The girl they were talking about was wearing a black band t-shirt cut into a tank-top.
Although there were several girls in line that Bill thought were attractive enough to spend an evening with, he'd decided he wanted male company tomorrow night. After all, it was rare that they had male fans, and the one that was coming up in line was, well, his type. Especially after Tom had spent like five minutes chatting up the one with the deep purple hair.
Like, purple? What the fuck, Tom?!
Bill checked the guy out again. M-name he guessed. Matt, Mark, Max, or A. Alex, Aiden... some emo name. Age eighteen probably. Small hips. Fuck, it would have been nice to get sloshed with him tomorrow night. Stupid America and their twenty-one age limit on drinking… ruining their party.
The boy in question said thank you to Georg and stepped in front of Bill.
"Hi Bill," he said, a little breathless.
"Hey. What's your name?"
"Hi Andrew." Bill smiled and took the CD cover from the boy.
"I can't wait to see you guys in concert. I'm going tomorrow."
"Guys? How about just me?" Bill twirled the Sharpie in his hand. He hadn't signed anything yet.
"I'm inviting you to our after-party tomorrow. Club Fluid, second floor. Would you like to come with me?"
"Um. Wow, Bill." Andrew looked shocked. Bill just smiled and raised an eyebrow. He was still twirling the Sharpie in his hand.
Tom was too busy checking out the brunette in the black tank-top to notice his brother's flirting, or the fact that he was holding up the line. The girl had just handed Tom her CD, and like a moron, it actually took him a few too many seconds to move his gaze from her breasts to her face.
"Hi," he said finally.
Up in front, Bill had succeeded in getting Andrew's phone number, and the boy had agreed to meet him at Fluid. The line was moving along again.
After the concert, and more autographs, the band successfully made it back to the hotel.
After taking a much needed shower, Tom knocked on Bill's door.
The door opened, Bill said hi, and he went back into the bathroom to continue straightening his hair. "What's up?" he called.
Tom slumped onto Bill's disheveled bed. They were indeed big. One king-size per room. Tom wondered why the record company had dished out so much money this time. It was so random. There were cities in which they'd double-up per room, and then there were ones where they'd be pampered in luxury. To Tom it made no sense.
"I dunno. Was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie and get room service tonight? Or are you tired?"
"I'm going out. To the party. Why aren’t you going?"
"Oh. I dunno. I thought you weren't going.”
"I am. Georg is too."
Bill emerged from the bathroom, black hair straight and sleek. The t-shirt he was wearing resembled the one the brunette girl with big boobs had cut up into a tank-top.
"Tom, pass me that belt there." He pointed to the foot of the bed.
Tom passed him the belt and Bill strung it through the belt-loops on his tight grey jeans.
"You sure you wouldn't rather just hang out tonight? I'm pooped," Tom asked. He crawled forward and slumped down again, head and arms hanging off the bed.
Bill grabbed one of his handbags, went over to the bar-fridge, and proceeded in emptying all the miniature liquor bottles into it.
"I dunno, Tom. I even invited that one kid."
"Andrew. The guy from the signing yesterday."
"Yeah. Asked him out. It'd be kinda dumb if I didn't go now."
"Oh. I didn't see that."
"Yeah, well, I wanna go. You should come. Change your pants and come."
Tom's sweatpants were the reason he didn't feel like going. "Too comfortable. I don't feel like it. I just wanted to lounge around tonight since we have the nice rooms and all."
Someone knocked on the door, and Bill went to open it.
Tom lifted his head to see Georg come in. "You ready, Bill?"
"Yeah, pretty much I think."
"Tom, are you coming out?" Georg asked.
"How come, man?"
"I don't feel like it."
"So you're leaving me and Bill all the pretty ladies tonight?"
"Bill has his pretty lady already. He asked out the guy who looked like a chick."
"Oh come on, you guys, what else do you expect from a gay guy? It's either that or the beefy ones. Like, ew." Bill defended.
"Whatever. Tom's still missing out on the girls. Why didn't you ask that one out, the one with the great boobs? You were on about her for a while."
"Fine." Georg brought his attention back on Bill, "I got the booze out of my room, got yours?"
Tom felt odd. He'd wanted to spend tonight with his brother, and not at some party. Movie and room service. He just wanted a bit of quiet time. He'd even given up on girls. Instead, he was going to spend the night with Gustav.
"Is Gustav going too?" he asked.
"Nope. But he's in the shower now. I went by just before he got in."
Yup, Tom was going to spend the night with Gustav. Can't get much quieter than that. He dragged himself off Bill's bed and left the room with his mates.
"See you guys. Have a good time."
"See ya, Tom."
With a last effort at shrugging off his displeasure, Tom called down the hall, "Don't catch AIDS!" he yelled, and waved at the other two with a smile.
Bill flipped him off good-naturedly as he got into the elevator with Georg.
Somewhere inside, Tom just didn't feel right. He couldn't put his finger on what it was.
Well, I'll tell you what it was. It was that Bill was going out and he wasn't. Or, more specifically, that Bill was going out, and wasn't with him. I won't venture so far as to say that Bill was with someone else.
Let's just wrap this up.
So Bill felt independent, and Tom felt clingy.
Wasn't it Bill who was supposed to ask to hang out? And wasn't it supposed to be Tom going out on a random date?
God, they are so doomed.
Chapter 4: YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DUMBASS WHEN…
So you're trying to be more like your brother. Why?
That's what I'd like to know. ‘Cause all I know, is that you're being a dumbass.
Gustav sat at the breakfast table with David Jost. Each of them had a coffee, a bagel, and a newspaper in front of them.
Ah, mornings. And a nice one at that, because the continental buffet at the Ritz was extensive.
Tom had woken up earlier than usual and was now wandering down the buffet spread with his plate trying to decide what he wanted. He finally chose yogurt and granola, as well as an assortment of fruit, and went to sit with David and Gustav.
"Morning," Gustav said, as he looked over his newspaper at Tom.
"Morning. Where's Bill?"
"Not down yet. What's with the black coffee?"
"I dunno. Felt like it. Just wanna wake up."
David poked his head out from behind his own newspaper, "Hmm. Well, I'm glad to see that you've got something healthier to eat for once," he said, eyeing Tom's plate of fruit. "Too bad you won't really need the energy since all we're doing today is driving."
"Oh. Where to?"
"Hey all," Georg said as he landed a portion of bacon and eggs on the table and slumped down into the seat beside Tom. "Where's Bill?"
"Not down yet."
"Odd. He's usually here before me. I don't think he got too sloshed last night."
"What happened last night anyways?" asked Tom.
"You mean Bill and that chick he asked out, or Bill and the actual chick?"
"Um, well, start from the beginning I guess."
"Wait, wait. I really don't want to hear this," said David good-naturedly, who got up and folded his newspaper. "I'll see you boys in a bit, I just remembered something." He wiggled his cellphone as evidence, pushed in his chair, and left the table.
"Well, that's good, now I don't have to skip the details." Georg laughed, and shoveled a big piece of bacon into his mouth.
"Oh, but please do."
"Shut up, Gustav."
"Just spill already. What'd he do?" Tom just wanted to hear the story already.
"Why are you so interested?"
"I'm not. Just tell it, will you?"
"I will, so shut up. So we get to our table and the bottle-service girl is fucking hot. Actually, I'm not even sure why we had a bottle-service girl, cuz they couldn't serve us alcohol anyways. It's that stupid thing about being 21. Like, how stupid is that? I'm fucking 20.-"
Tom shot him a look as if to say 'get to the point'.
"Anyways, I got us a Perrier. Figured I'd be nice. Bill had started with some juices he'd liquored up from the stash we got from the hotel. Plenty of JD's and coke and I dunno what else he was mixing. Anyways, so that guy Andrew shows up and Bill hands him some shit he'd mixed and pretty soon they're all over eachother."
"-I dunno if I wanna hear this either." Gustav cut in.
"Oh yes you do. This is priceless, I'm telling you," said Georg, big grin on his face. "So they were making out, Bill was all over this kid. That's when I couldn't stand it anymore and went off to the dancefloor with this girl I met. Cindy or something. And then there was Becky or something, and she was so hot. Best ass ever..." He seemed to spend a moment reminiscing about the girl's behind before snapping out of it. "So yeah, I got back to the table, just in time to see Andrew leaving, and Bill with the bottle-service girl on top of him!"
"What?!" Tom almost choked on the grape he'd recently popped into his mouth.
"Yeah, I swear. So apparently what happened is Andrew went to the bathroom, and while he was gone, the bottle-service girl --I really don't know her name-- told Bill she was a fan and she kinda pushed herself on him, and he didn't object, and then when Andrew came back to find them making out... he tapped Bill on the shoulder and was like 'dude, what are you doing?' and Bill apparently said something like 'What? She's really hot.' and that's when the guy got mad and left!"
"Ohmygod, that's awesome!" Tom laughed, then quieted to more of a snicker in fear of attracting unwanted attention.
"Oh no, there's more."
"Please let there not be more," Gustav said, as he put down his newspaper and took a large bite of his bagel. Though he said he didn't want to hear more, he was actually enjoying Georg's story much more than the article about the President's State of the Union address.
"Yes, yes there is. So what I understood from another service-girl was that she'd actually bet the one on top of Bill to make out with him, and she'd give her a hundred bucks if she did it, cuz we were only buying water, right? Yeah, so the girl had never heard of us before tonight. She ended up telling Bill also, but he didn't really mind, cuz he was a bit tipsy at that point, and the girl apparently liked him anyways. She gave him her number. Wrote it in his own eyeliner on his arm."
"Brilliant!" Gustav was actually laughing harder than Tom.
That's when Bill placed a large whipped-cream-topped waffle on the table beside Georg, and sat down beside him. "What's so funny?"
"You," Georg replied. "I was telling the boys about last night."
"Ah. Well, don't get too happy. That's all that happened, I didn't get her pregnant or anything."
"Just AIDS then?"
"Oh fuck off, Gustav," scoffed Bill, but he laughed along with the group anyway.
"Man, I almost wish I had gone. Tom and I did nothing."
"Well, that's good. It's not enough of a sausage-fest around here with all the ladies Tom's pulled this past week or so."
"Georg, shut up. I just wanted some quiet."
"Quietly making love with Gustav?"
"Georg! Fuck. Off."
"Fine, fine." Georg directed his attention to Bill's food, seeing as he'd finished his own, and scooped a good chunk of the whipped cream off Bill's waffle with his finger. He licked the topping off his finger and asked, "So what's with the waffle?"
"Other than that it's got AIDS now?"
"You can't get AIDS from my finger dumbass, otherwise you'd have got it from that chick last night."
"No. The other one!" Georg roared with laughter at his own joke.
"Andrew then. ...Oh shut up, you're so funny. I just felt like a waffle. And whether you, it, I, or the many girls I had last night do or don't have AIDS, I'd appreciate it if you kept your finger out of it."
"Not to remind you that I got more action than you last night. I'm sure you left that out of the story."
"-Bill, why's your coffee all milky?" Tom asked suddenly.
"I dunno. Why's yours black?"
David came back just then, with his cellphone in hand, and got down to business immediately. "Ok, so today's pretty much driving, other than a small stop at around one o'clock to replace that amp the techs dropped the other day. Ok?" He looked around for objections and continued, "I wanna see you packed and ready in the lobby in thirty minutes."
When the tourbus stopped at one o'clock, Georg and Gustav wandered off to the Starbucks across the street, and Bill sat on the curb outside the bus with a cigarette.
Tom came out to sit with him. "So what's up?"
"Nothing," Bill said, and extended the cigarette towards his brother, who refused.
They sat on the curb silently for a few minutes.
"I don't want you smoking anymore," Tom finally said.
"You do it more than me."
"What if I quit?"
"Then quit." Bill shrugged, and took another drag.
"Want a coffee or something from across the street?"
"Naw. Not today."
"Want to come with me? I feel like getting a frappuccino or something."
"Feeling fancy today, Tomi?" Bill teased.
"It's just a drink, Bill. Want one or not?"
"Not really." Bill let out a long stream of smoke from his mouth and watched it fade away.
Tom studied his silent brother for a moment, and then gave up. "Fine," he said. But instead of walking off to Starbucks to join the G's, he just went back onto the bus alone.
"I still kinda want a frappuccino," he mumbled to himself as he got into his bunk and curled up in his blankets.
Chapter 5: JUST DIE.
This story is more boring than I'd care to tell without a good coffee. Let's move this along.
Bill's being a macho jerk, and Tom's being a whiney sap. Whoopty-doo.
Their relationship is going in the crapper ‘cause they can't stand eachother anymore. And the fact that they're acting like morons is killing them inside ‘cause they can't stand to be apart from eachother. Boo-hoo.
Melodramatic enough for you?
Plans had been made for weeks to start shooting the music video for the latest single, right in between their busy touring schedule.
Tokio Hotel had crossed back over the Atlantic Ocean --something that was becoming more common as their success over-seas increased-- and were now sitting around on the set of the new video in between takes.
As had become the custom with their music videos, they were filming both an English version and a German version. Which means that even though they were back in Germany, Bill was complaining about his pronunciation of certain English words. They were getting ready to do a take on an English verse.
"You mean no’fing to me. ...Nothing. You mean no’fing. Fuck." He repeated the line to himself as he paced around a chair.
"Well, you have the F's down." Tom laughed.
"Yes. Fuck. That start's with an F. Thhh does not!" He emphasized the 'th' sound. The singer's temper was flaring again.
Their trans-Atlantic flight had landed in Frankfurt earlier this morning. Bill was still not completely composed during the ride, but at least he wasn't shrieking and ranting like last time they'd been on a plane. He had kept his promise to himself and 'took it more like a man'; which meant that he'd ground his teeth almost painfully during take-off and landing, and when anyone tried talking to him, he snapped back rudely.
Tom had tried talking to Bill, to get him to calm down as usual, but it wasn't working this time. Something was different.
"Bill, I can see you're stressed," he'd said gently. Bill ignored him but had unclenched his jaw slightly.
"Bill, would you like some water?" Bill clenched his jaw again, and looked out the window at the falling ground, more and more miles beneath. He shot Tom a brief glance and went back to staring at the tray-table in front of him.
"...Billa, are you ok?" Tom asked in his most concerned voice.
"Yes Tom! I'm fucking fine! Can't you tell?"
It'd seemed Bill's temper was an increasing hazard, and Tom's voice only got smaller in such situations. He felt terrible.
"I'm sorry, ok?"
He hesitantly squeezed his brother's hand on the arm-rest between them. He'd left Bill alone for the rest of the flight, and they'd both managed to fall asleep.
After landing, Bill seemed to be in a better mood. He went through Hair & Makeup for the video-shoot well enough, but now he seemed angry again.
Maybe it was the content of the song that had Bill's mood in tangles.
"Nuh-thing," the raven-haired teen repeated. "Nothing. Nothing." He looked down at the next line he was trying to memorize correctly and read, "Da sky shoo’d swallow you up."
"The," Tom corrected.
Bill turned on his heel. "I know!" he yelled, and brandished the piece of paper at the dread-locked guitarist. His eyes were shining. "I know! It's the goddamn thhhh's! …Just, leave me alone, ok?"
Tom didn't know what to do. Usually he'd tell Bill to go smoke a joint and calm down, or go get laid. He couldn't think of any witty lines right now. And besides, Bill seemed to be getting the most action out of all four boys these days. Tom had heard Bill and a fangirl in his hotel room the night before the flight. The skinny brunette had been rather loud, and Tom was very able to pick out multiple, 'Oh Bill!'’s coming through the adjacent wall that night.
He wanted Bill to talk to him. He could tell something was off between the two of them. Usually when Bill was angry or upset, he'd throw a small fit, then a few hours would pass, and he'd go to Tom and talk about whatever it was. But Bill wasn't coming to him, and he couldn't guess what it was that he was edgy about.
Suddenly he felt like a terrible brother. He'd always been good to Bill, he thought. He knew he'd always cared and stood up for him when it counted. Even when he was an insensitive jerk to him, he regretted it later. Why was it that when he actually tried to be nice, Bill shoved him off?
Tom looked down to his shoes and tried to act normal. He regained his composure a touch. "God. I'm just trying to help!" he scolded in a voice that was much more confident than he felt.
Why was this not 'normal'?
He couldn't think of anything that had changed recently. Except maybe that emergency airplane landing a few weeks ago, which could count as a “traumatic experience” or something. So what, though? Bill was being a baby. Nothing different.
He came up blank.
He just wanted his baby brother back.
I hope you're ok, Bill. I miss you. Talk to me again.
The singer managed to compose himself for the filming quite well considering his ferocious mood in between the takes.
When the shoot wrapped up, Bill excused himself to the washroom of the warehouse studio. He rested his weight on his arms, leaning on the sink. He looked into the mirror and felt a sadness wash over him. He didn't care about pronouncing 'nofing' wrong as much as he cared that he knew he was being an ass to his twin. They were twins. He was reminded of that every time he looked in the mirror.
He looked into his own eyes and felt even crappier. He didn't mean to be an ass, and he hoped Tom wasn't too mad at him for treating him badly. Maybe Tom would come back and they could talk things out.
But what exactly was there to talk out except for a few dumb outbursts? He couldn't think of anything specifically wrong. Which sucked even more, because Tom was being so nice lately... it was just getting on his nerves. He sighed and dropped his head.
I hope you're ok, Tom. I miss you. Talk to me again.
After taking some time alone to get his head on straighter, he walked out of the bathroom.
Being quiet and just breathing calmly did the trick, eh? That's the way Tom seemed to calm down if he was ever riled.
He turned a corner and almost bumped into a blonde girl carrying several binders.
"Oh gosh, sorry Miss."
"No problem." She smiled at him. "Hey, you're Bill Kaulitz."
"That I am." He looked her up and down and instantly felt better. She was pretty alright. "What's your name? Do you work here?"
"Vicky. Nice to meet you." She extended her free hand to Bill and he shook it. "I do office work around here, answering phones, booking appointments, etcetera."
Vicky looked relatively young, she couldn't have been more than a few years older than Bill. He decided he wanted to get his mind off Tom. She was a good solution.
"Hey, is there a coffee place around here? I'd love to grab something, if you'd join me that is." Bill gave her a megawatt smile and she melted.
"Sure, I'd love to. How about the coffee machine in the office?" she laughed.
Tom saw the pair walk off together and he recognized that giant smile on Bill's face to be the one he used to charm people out of their wits. Lately it meant he was about to score again.
Why was Bill getting laid so much more than Tom lately? It wasn't fair. He was the one with the reputation. He was the one that bragged about his dick. He got all the chicks. That's how it worked. He pouted. Bill was a jerk.
Yes, Tom Kaulitz actually pouted. Like I said, he was being a whiney sap.
Lesson learned already? Do NOT piss off the narrator. Do not get crappy office coffee. Dish out for a Starbucks, motherfucker! I have to sit around writing this shit anyway.
Chapter 6: WOULD YOU?
Ok. It's ok. I'm feeling better now. The G's had a good breakfast this morning. Everyone woke up late, and there was good coffee to go around.
So there's Bill sitting on the couch of the band's apartment, flipping though the TV channels and sipping from his mug occasionally. And Tom's right beside him, about to fall asleep again.
The band had a meeting that afternoon to go over the editing and approve the music video they'd finished shooting a few days ago, and the benefit concert last night was a nice turnout. Things were going alright.
Tom turned to Bill. He didn't say anything though, just watched him for a few moments and then looked back at the TV. They hadn't been saying much to eachother lately. Was that alright?
Bill was taking more and more alone time. Just to calm his nerves, since he wasn't going to Tom anymore. He just couldn't. He wanted to man-up. He wanted to be more like Tom, who didn't need anyone to look after him, and comfort him, or baby him. Tom was secure in himself, he didn't need Bill, and he certainly didn't need to take care of Bill. Or at least, that's what Bill thought. So every time Tom became even nicer, Bill got upset.
Does he think I can't take care of myself?
His anger flared again just thinking about that. He glanced over at his brother. Somehow he still felt bad. Was that how Tom felt? Because Bill felt like part of him was missing right now. The further he pulled away from his twin, the worse he felt. Tom just used to be there, whenever Bill wanted. He could curl up right in his lap watching TV or talk to him before they fell asleep. And even though it was always Bill who had initiated these actions in the past, he was ok with that. Tom was still always there. Sure, Tom was a jerk a lot, but he couldn't think of a bigger jerk than himself right now. Tom had never pushed him away like this. He sat up and walked off. The morning news was no longer interesting, and he needed to cool off suddenly.
He could feel Tom's gaze on him as he walked out of the room. When he got to the bathroom, he found it occupied. Fuck. He knocked.
"You almost done in there?"
"Yeah, gimme a minute," came Georg's voice.
"Fine," Bill mumbled and walked back to the kitchen.
Gustav was sitting at the breakfast table with a newspaper and his almost empty mug of coffee.
"Hey Bill. You alright?"
Suddenly Bill didn't want to be around Gustav either. Why did everyone have to ask if he was alright? Why wasn't it ok for him to be quiet or reserved? Why did he always have to abound in happiness and prance around? Surely they found that annoying and this was better.
"Fine," he mumbled again and took off down the hall to his room.
He swung the door shut with a bit more force than necessary, and sat down at his makeup table. It was pretty much just a desk covered in makeup, with a mirror propped up against the wall. He hadn't used the desk for studying or anything academic-related for many years. Now he just sat in the chair with his own thoughts.
The mirror in front of him caught his eye. Tom was there. Only, not really, it was still Bill in the reflection. He looked like Bill. Long black hair which he hadn't bother to straighten after his shower this morning, and a light coat of eyeliner --nothing fancy until he needed to actually go out and about. Yes, it looked like Bill.
He got a bit closer to the mirror. He studied himself. There were Tom's eyes. Always there. Even if he wasn't with Tom right now.
He thought back to that certain plane ride in the States, more than a month ago. God, he'd been so irrational. What was he thinking babbling on about oxygen shortages and flying engines? He felt like an idiot for always acting on his emotions. Like, Georg just stared out the fucking window! Why couldn't he do that?! Yet, Tom had stayed by him and comforted him, and answered all his crazy questions.
However, the more Bill thought about it, the more he thought Tom hadn't been quite rational either. I mean, what was with the "I'll breathe for you" bit? That could be explained by Tom being frustrated and just wanting Bill to shut up. But it wasn't just that. As he delved deeper into his memories, he started picking out more things he thought were odd.
Tom now seemed just as irrational as Bill had. Yes, Bill was going on and on about dying, but what on earth was Tom doing telling him he was irreplaceable, or the only one?
Tom is your brother. He loves you, his mind told him.
Of course. I love him too.
Fuck this macho bullshit. He wanted his brother right now, and he didn't care that Tom was scared of airplanes and exaggerating. He knew his brother loved him. Whether he said he would die without him or not, Bill didn't care. So Tom had exaggerated. Whatever. It didn't mean Tom didn't love him as much as any brother should. If anything, Bill knew they were closer than most brothers. It was normal for even the closest of twins to grow apart and make their own lives, yet Tom and he were still together every day.
He rushed back to the living room where Tom was still on the couch. The guitarist had now taken up the entire couch however, and looked like he'd fallen asleep.
Bill paused and approached with caution. He could snuggle up with his brother like old times. Tom always let him. So Bill lay down beside his brother, with his head on his twin's chest and one leg over one of Tom's so he wouldn't fall off the couch.
Tom awoke shortly to a pair of arms wrapping around him. Bill was still getting comfortable.
"Oh." It was nice to have Bill back. He have the body beside his a brief hug, and closed his eyes again.
"Do you remember all the things you said on the plane that time?"
Tom could only assume which one he meant.
"Did you mean them?"
This sparked Tom's attention, and he got up from the laying down position. He sat up on the couch and Bill followed, settling into the crook of his arm. "Of course."
"Oh." Bill was hesitant. "You would die without me?"
"I said I would."
"Yeah, but like, if I jumped off a building, you'd follow me?"
"Oh." He'd never actually thought about it.
He'd die for Bill. If Bill ever needed some giant surgery and they couldn't save him, Tom knew he would give himself over in order to save Bill. But umm... jumping off a building?
Would I follow him? Would I die without him?
Living without Bill? It seemed rather bleak. No Bill laughing. No crazy hair. No diva tantrums.
He thought about Tokio Hotel with a different lead singer. That just wouldn't work. He'd quit if that ever happened.
And he thought about marrying some pretty girl without Bill by his side.
In Bill's more melancholy moments, he had always said Tom would give up on the one-night stands and settle down one day, that true-love did actually exist. While Tom still didn't see himself with some girl on an alter anytime in the future, but he knew he couldn't do it without Bill beside him.
"Tom? What would you do if I killed myself?"
The conversation had turned an even darker corner, as Tom pictured himself at Bill's grave.
He was filled with such a powerful overwhelming feeling. He wanted to kill himself also. He wanted to follow Bill into death. As if they were attached at the hip, he knew instantly he couldn’t live without his other half.
It scared him. "Yes," he said quietly. "I'd follow you." He wasn't sure of his own voice.
Bill was taken aback.
Chapter 7: FOOLS RUSH IN
"If you jumped off some building, I'd jump too."
Bill knew Tom cared, he just hadn't exactly expected this. Wasn't that a bit much?
"What if I robbed a bank?"
"Bill, that's stupid."
"Well, would you?"
"Would I what?"
"Would you take the blame for it and go to jail?"
"No, cuz then I wouldn't be with you. But I'd join you." Somehow, Tom was sounding more sure of himself. There was a mischievous smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
Bill started thinking up numerous scenarios now. His voice was plunging ahead into uncharted territory before his brain could kick in and stop it. "Would you kill for me?" He was curious.
Curiosity killed the cat, didn't you know, Bill?
“What do you mean? Like, to defend you? Of course.”
“What if I just didn’t like the guy and it was him or me?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. Why not?”
“You’re being silly.”
“Why’s this silly? They’re just questions. Would you kill the guy?”
“If it had to be him or you, I would.”
“What about a hundred people?
“Would you kill all of them too?”
“For you, I would.”
“What if I didn’t want you to kill all of them for me?”
“Then I’d kill myself if I couldn’t save you. I said that already.”
“What if I was some evil emperor and just wanted a bunch of people killed for no reason, would you do it?”
“Bill, that’s stupid. You wouldn’t do that,” he reasoned, but chuckled at the idea nonetheless. Bill would be such a diva of an emperor.
“But it would make me happy. Don’t you want little ol’ me to be happy?” Bill batted his eyelashes jokingly.
“Oh jeez. And you would be sad and miserable for the rest of your life if I didn’t murder hundreds of people for you?”
“Yup.” Bill smiled.
“Well then, I’m at your beck and call, Master Bill,” Tom laughed. “Bring on the guillotine.”
Bill wiggled his eyebrows, teasing. “At my beck and call, eh?”
“Master Bill must always be happy,” Tom said. And even though he was joking around at this point, there was still an ounce of truth to the statements.
“Would you get me an ice-cream from the freezer? That would certainly make me happy.”
“Is this all just for ice-cream? That, you can get yourself.”
Bill pouted, and batted his eyelashes again. That face was priceless.
“Oh god, fine! I’ll get it.” Tom actually started to get up from the couch when Bill pulled him back down.
“I’m kidding. I don’t actually want any ice-cream.” Bill laughed.
“Well good, I’ve already murdered a few thousand people for you and helped you rob a bank. Getting you ice-cream would have been too much.”
“How about just giving me your ice-cream to make me happy?”
“Of course, silly.”
“Would you give up all your hats for me?”
Tom laughed. “Isn’t that a bit drastic?”
“Well, say I didn’t like them and wanted you to stop wearing them.”
“If it really really bothered you, I guess I would.” He sat up straighter suddenly. “You don’t secretly hate my hats do you?”
“No, no. Keep your hats, dumbass,” Bill said, and Tom looked reassured of their safety.
“They make me look oh-so handsome and rebellious.” Tom smirked. “And the ladies love it.”
“They do?” Bill raised an eyebrow in question.
“Shut up. They do if I say so. They’re cool.” Tom stuck his tongue out.
“Oooo!” Bill just thought of a great question. “Would you give up all the girls for me?”
Tom frowned. “Like, all of them?”
“If I didn’t like any of them, would you dump them?”
“Yeah. I mean, you’re pretty good at guessing the good ones and all. You and your true-love nonsense.”
“For the record, it’s not nonsense. But what if I just wanted you to quit fooling around with all of them. No more one-nighters until you were sure you’d found the one?”
“You want me to not have any more sex before marriage?” Tom laughed.
“How about nothing before marriage? No more making out with random girls. No more handjobs in the bathroom, no more nothing. Would you?”
“Well, that’d mean I’d get married pretty damn fast!”
“Tom, just answer the question.”
Tom considered it: Life without any girls just so Bill would stay with him and be happy.
“Yeah, ok. Why not? I can do that.”
Bill seemed incredulous. His eyebrows flew to the top of his forehead. “Oh really?”
“Yes really. I’d much rather have you around than all of them. I can keep it in my pants.”
“I don’t believe you, but ok.”
“Ok, ok.” Bill laughed.
“Any more questions?”
“What would you do if I fell down and hurt myself?”
“I’d kiss it better. Didn’t I used to do that when we were younger?”
“Right. That one was too easy.”
Tom laughed. “Well, what other crimes can I partake in for your pleasure?”
“We’ve covered mass murder and theft. Rape maybe? Drug trafficking? Forgery? Fraud?”
“If everything was in the correct context and I could lose you if I didn’t, then yes.”
Tom was beginning to feel uneasy again. What had he gotten himself into?
“Kidnap? Illegal immigration? Arson?”
“Yes.” He felt defeated. He couldn’t think of anything he wouldn’t do for Bill, no matter how drastic or stupid. As long as Bill was safe, happy, and with him, everything else didn’t matter. He put himself at ease by saying none of these scenarios would ever come up.
Bill was searching his brain for more random crimes. “Insider trading?”
That one made Tom laugh. “Sure thing, Martha! Torture, and treason too. What else have you got? Vandalism? I believe I’ve already done that to the school desks numerous times.”
“And aunt Mirella’s couch.”
“When was that?”
“Remember that time you fucked that one chick on her couch? I’d count that as vandalism.” Bill smirked.
“Oh! That’s a good one Bill! Let’s have me sleep with Aunt Mirella. And Aunty Janet. Even Uncle Luka and Gordon’s sister if you’d like. That’s would cover incest as well. Isn’t that the last crime we have to cover? Gordon’s younger sister might even be a good fuck.”
Tom was actually laughing along with it all. He’d put away the uneasy feeling from his mind. Still, he knew that if for some weird reason it would come to actually having to sleep with old Uncle Luka for Bill, he would. But seriously, ew.
“Oops, we missed Extortion, didn’t we?”
“How about me?”
Tom stopped laughing.
“Would you fuck me?”
Tom looked down at his fingers. Was this like the other questions? Was it for the same purpose of keeping Bill safe or with the connotation of Bill having feelings for him?
“Can you be more precise?” Tom asked timidly.
“Oh god!” Bill jumped up from the couch suddenly. “Oh god! You would!” he yelled. “That’s disgusting.”
Tom looked at him, stunned and at a loss for words. “But...”
“Oh god!” Bill yelled again. “You’d probably like it too. S-so sick!” Bill ran out of the room and down the hall. The combination of a sudden outburst, thumping feet, and a door slamming had caught Gustav’s attention, who came into the living room to find a bewildered Tom with big glassy eyes.
“What the hell just happened? Did you make fun of his hair or something?” Gustav asked.
Tom pulled his eyes away from the direction of the hallway and looked at Gustav. The drummer instantly knew this was not a joke. Tom looked near tears. Tom had literally no idea what had just happened… he hadn’t even had time to reason and respond properly. Yet one thing he knew was that he’d freaked Bill out.
Gustav went over to his friend and sat on the couch with him. “What happened?”
Tom tore his gaze from where it was currently fixed and looked at his fingers again.
I told my brother he was the most important thing in the world to me.
He didn’t respond.
“Are you ok?”
No. Bill hates me.
“Do you need me to get you anything?”
Chapter 8: AIR IS NEGLIGIBLE.
Bill was in his room, where he had been for the last few hours after he'd jumped up and ran away from Tom. Once in a while he'd freak out again and start yelling "Oh god!" into his pillow, over and over, and when he'd exhausted himself he'd calm down for another while.
The minimal makeup Bill had applied this morning had run down his face long ago. He rubbed his eyes to dry his latest tears and off came the last of it. He got up from his bed and sat down at the makeup desk, just for a change. He was coming to the end of his meltdown and now just felt like crap.
His brother was a complete lunatic. Well, at least he'd like to think so. When he looked into the mirror and saw Tom: distressed, eyes red, tear-stained face, he felt even worse. He knew Tom wasn't a homicidal maniac. He knew his brother loved him, and that was the only reason he'd said everything. The horrible part wasn't that he knew Tom would do any and all of it, it was that he realized he'd always known it. They just had never had this type of conversation before.
His eyes bore into the eyes he saw in the mirror. Slowly he raised his hand and placed it on the mirror. Just like his own reflection in a mirror, Tom had always been with him.
Bill thought back to kindergarten. Tom would always pass him the pencil crayons, or look for the colors Bill wanted. He thought back to elementary school where Tom would give Bill his dessert if he ever asked for it. He thought back to middle school, when Bill had started wearing makeup and the other boys made fun of him. Tom had always stood up for him; he'd even gotten into several fights defending his brother's honor. And since Devilish and then Tokio Hotel had taken off, Tom was always at his side when it counted. Bill knew they were growing apart, becoming individuals, joking around and harassing eachother more, so that it wasn't so evident how strong their twin bond was; but that didn’t mean it wasn’t there. Perhaps Bill had lost sight of it all, and now it came crashing into him. Tom loved him too much. It wasn't right to say those kind of things. It wasn't right to give up that much for someone.
Would he do the same for Tom?
He froze at the question, his eyes lingering on the eyes in the mirror, searching briefly for an answer he didn't want to find. Before he could break down into tears again, he snapped out of it and took an entirely different course of thought.
Ok, so, what's the best way to forget everything?
This was getting too painful. If he thought about it any longer, he felt he'd come to a conclusion he wouldn't want to admit to. He peeled his hand away from the mirror, and hid his face in his hands.
Bill had other things to worry about. Like, their next show, the next interview, the next photoshoot, the next signing, the next city, his voice, etcetera. He head-strongly decided that he was way too busy to be wasting so much time on Tom. He needed a drink, and a cigarette. Actually, make that a bunch of drinks and a few cigarettes.
Fuck, they were busy this next week. It was no time to be irresponsible. He couldn't drink the situation away. And well, Tom had said he didn't want Bill smoking, he should try and cut down.
Wait! Wait! He just had what he thought was a brilliant idea. He wiped at his face one last time and got up to go to the kitchen.
Gummybears. Where are the gummybears?
Ok, so they didn't have gummybears, but they had marshmallows. Good enough. He grabbed the entire bag and sat down next to Gustav on the couch.
"Bill? You ok?"
Bill smiled and nodded. "Yup." He popped a small handful of mini-marshmallows into his mouth.
Gustav thought the singer looked a bit too cheerful considering whatever had transpired between the twins earlier, but he didn't push the subject. Instead, they sat watching the Discovery Channel for the rest of the time until the meeting.
At the meeting that day, Bill was seen munching on a chocolate bar.
The next day, on the way to an interview, Bill had insisted they stop to buy gummyworms. He even threw a fit, before Dave gave in and allowed it.
The day after that, Bill was popping Skittles into his mouth in between takes on a photoshoot. The photographer wanted to kill him, almost. The twins he was shooting were Bill and Tom Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel however, so nobody said anything about Bill's behavior; not even Tom.
Two days later, Bill had actually managed to turn it into a pick-up line when two girls asked him what he was doing with gummybears at a nightclub. "They're how I stay so sweet." Oddly enough, he had no alcoholic beverage in front of him, just water and the bag of gummies. He invited both of them to his hotel room that night. Tom, who had been dragged out that night despite very obviously not being in the mood, had slept in the G's room.
That was the night Georg decided he was sure something was wrong. The first moment he could, he pulled Gustav aside.
"Ok, so you know how Tom spelt on our floor last night?"
"Well, I don't think it was just cuz Bill was fucking those blondes in their room."
Gustav raised his eyebrows. "You mean you think something's going on?"
"Well, yeah, that's one way to put it. I'm worried."
"Same. Bill is being weird too."
"Yeah, but I dunno. He seems better. Like, he isn't being a jerk as much. And he seems happy. Tom on the other hand, hasn't pulled a girl in more than a month, that I've seen at least. Like, he doesn't even want to go out anymore."
"I'm pretty sure he's avoiding Bill."
"Yeah. Haven't you noticed?"
"Not really. He has?"
"Yeaahhh!" Gustav stretched the word out as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh. I thought he was just being quite."
"I'm pretty sure he's avoiding Bill. I can't say anything about the girls and whatever, but they had some sort of fight last week and I think it's about that."
"They had a fight?"
"Yeah, right before that meeting about the editing on Nothing."
"How do you know? I don't remember any flying furniture." Georg laughed.
"It wasn't like that," Gustav elaborated, and Georg became serious again. "I think Tom said something. Actually, I have no idea what happened, but suddenly there's Bill yelling 'Oh god, you're sick' or something, I didn't hear well, and he runs out. When I got to the living room, Tom's there almost in tears and he wouldn't talk to me when I asked what happened. He left pretty much right after."
"Weird. Hmm, I don't know what to say."
"Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure that's what's going on, why Tom's avoiding Bill."
"Are you sure he's avoiding him?"
"Well, that, or they're avoiding eachother. Haven't you noticed?"
"Actually, I thought it was just Tom."
"I don't think it is. Bill's way too happy. I really don't know why, but I just have a feeling, and I don't buy it. Also, what's with all the candy? It's like he suddenly wants to die from Diabetes or something."
"Hmm. Ok, so the candy is weird. But now that I’m thinking about it, he's been partying way more… like he's balancing out for all the girls Tom isn't getting.” Georg snorted a laugh. “Guys too of course. I knew Bill was bi, but he's had a few guys all over him too, and he's not being very discreet. I dunno, it's just weird seeing Bill like this. Like, what happened to the true-love crap? It's not like he ever stuck to that much, but it's like, supposed to be Tom getting all the hook-ups and stuff."
"Tom's been chilling in with me on the nights I didn't go out. We don't even do much. We play some videogames and cards or something. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've gone out more than Tom lately!" Gustav laughed at his last statement.
"So what does he do when we're all out?"
"I dunno. How am I supposed to know?"
"I don't know. Ask?"
"Why would I do that? It's his business."
"Fine. Well, what can we do? I feel bad just sitting around."
"I think it's about time they talk it out. Whatever it is. I mean, how long can they be mad at eachother for?"
"Right. Well, I'll mention it to Tom.”
"Gently?" Georg raised an eyebrow.
So that's what Georg did. That afternoon, after their sound-check, Georg pulled Tom aside into the bathroom.
"Tom, ok, I don't know how to say this, but as your friend... are you ok, man?"
Tom looked at him for a moment. Somehow, he hadn't expected anyone to be questioning him. He knew he wasn't acting like himself, but he figured keeping to himself wouldn't be a bad thing.
"Oh. Umm. Actually, to be honest, I'm not the best."
"Dude, what's going on? Does it have anything to do with Bill?"
"Kinda." Tom looked down at his sneakers. White shoelaces. So original. He sighed.
"Kinda? What's going on between you guys?"
"I don't know. I kinda said some stuff."
"Well, was it bad?"
"Kinda, but not really. I just shouldn't have said it."
"Do you regret it?"
Georg thought that was an odd answer. "Right, well, don't you think you should talk to him? Explain it. Maybe he took it the wrong way."
"Maybe. I kinda tried."
"You tried talking to him? What'd he say?"
"Well, I didn't really get to talk to him. I couldn't... I just- I got to his door right after it, and I couldn't knock."
"Georg, I don't want to lose him." Tom had looked up and his friend could tell he was in pain. It hurt him too to see his best friend like that.
"Talk to him."
"I can't lose him." A tear fell down his cheek, and he dropped his head again. "It hurts, Georg."
In all honesty, Georg had never seen Tom act like this. It was usually Bill being melodramatic. The only time Tom ever cried was when the food was too spicy and his eyes watered, or when something was that ridiculously funny. This must be serious, he thought. He resolved to just pull the other guitarist in for a light hug. "It'll be ok. Talk to him. It'll be ok."
Chapter 9: IN MY POCKET
Tom walked onto the tourbus after the concert and found that Bill was already sitting in the media room with a notebook. He sat down next to him. Bill only barely acknowledged his presence.
"I'm not sorry."
Bill didn't respond. He returned to his notebook.
"I'm not sorry because I meant what I said."
Bill looked back at his twin with what seemed like anger, and something else flickering in his eyes. "You can't," he finally answered.
"Why? I love you that much."
"That's why." Bill just got up, his black ponytail swinging behind him with each step he took away from Tom.
Tom didn't understand.
"Bill! Bill, wait." He rushed after Bill and caught him before he got in his bunk.
"I do love you. I'm sorry. You're important to me."
"The most important thing in the world?"
"Yes, of course." Tom thought he was getting through to him.
"Will that ever change?"
"No, never. You know that."
"I guess now I do." Bill looked sad.
"What's wrong?" asked Tom, and tried to put his arms around his baby brother.
"This." Bill pushed him away.
"What are you talking about?"
"Tom, what about when you find some girl you like?"
"What about it? It won't take me away from you."
Was Tom that blind? Didn't he get what he was saying? They were supposed to grow apart.
Bill tried a different approach. "Would you fuck me?"
"I don't get what you're on about." Tom was getting frustrated. It seemed Bill wasn't understanding him at all. "I love you. You're my brother." He tried to get closer to Bill again.
Bill pushed him away again. It hurt to do so, and it hurt even more to ask his next question. "Fuck, isn't that what you do when you've found the person you love most in the world?" His eyes were narrowed, as if the question was meant to hurt the other as well.
Tom was dumbfounded. That made things a lot clearer. That's what Bill meant. However, he didn't know how to answer and just gaped like a fish out of water.
"You can't fuck me!" Bill said harshly.
The dreadlocked teen remained silent and glued in his position. He didn't know how to explain that that wasn't what he meant when he said 'I love you'. And he took too long wrapping his mind around the situation, because Bill got into his bunk and shut the curtain savagely.
In the following days, Bill tried keeping his mood up, he tried to forget his talk with Tom, and he especially tried to not analyze or think about anything they'd said too deeply.
Fuck, isn't that what you do when you've found the person you love most in the world?
What if that person was your own brother?
He was determined not to answer that question. Bill was not the stronger twin. Tom had all the integrity and defense mechanisms. Bill had the compassion. He didn't work well under pressure, and he knew that keeping that 'question' unanswered would be the best way to avoid its consequences.
Turn a blind eye. Ignore him. Forget they ever had that 'talk'. Eat more sugar. Don't overdose on any drugs. Don't kill your lungs by smoking five packs a day. Don't live the rest of your life with a hangover. More one-night stands cure everything. Keep smiling.
Easier said than done.
You see, it's hard to look into a mirror and not see the resemblance between yourself and your identical twin. And it's even harder to avoid mirrors in general, especially when you have to do your hair and makeup each morning, and you live the life of a rockstar --meaning you see your face (and your twin) practically everywhere.
But Bill had found a 'solution'. (Of course, Bill was also in heavy doubt and self-delusion by the time he'd come up with this brilliant solution.) In Bill's pocket, there was a compact mirror he's been carrying around everywhere.
To him, the compact mirror meant that although he'd brutally shut out his twin and hadn't spoken a word to him since The Talk, Tom was always with him. And by never taking it out and looking at it, The Question would never be answered.
To me, The Solution was a complete joke. I just wanted to see how long the poor boy would last.
Tom was a wreck. Bill hadn't spoken a word to him in three months.
At first, he'd tried reasoning with Bill, which didn't work. He found it troubling how seemingly easy and completely Bill ignored him. It was very much like he wasn't there and definitely wasn't talking to him. In the beginning, it rode his nerves. One time, he'd tried laying a hand on Bill to hold him from walking away and Bill had turned into a statue. Tom had given up quickly and not dared to touch Bill since. Now, Tom wasn't so much angry at Bill, but an utter disastrous tangle of emotions every hour of the day. He'd ceased to engage him, and Bill was ignoring Tom as surely as ever. They didn't do much to stay out of eachother's way, after all, they knew they had to work together. It was more a conscious disregard for the other's presence.
Your guess is as good as mine as to when their foolishness will end.
Ok, so maybe my guess is a bit better, but still, it looked like it could drag on forever.
Tom had become a bit of a recluse. He didn't go out unless forced to, he didn't talk unless required, and the only time he looked like he was remotely enjoying himself was on stage and/or with his guitar. Of course, he was staying away from Bill on stage also.
He'd watch Bill, his eyes followed Bill skittishly if he was around. Only watching, never admitting that he was watching, and never speaking. It was always the same thoughts in his head. Come back to me. His strength had given out and he couldn't say the words with his tongue, but his mind was relentless. It was torture, having your brother, the love of your life, so close yet so far. Yes, the love of his life. In the three months that had gone on in silence, Tom had had plenty of time to think.
His first realization was that he would never find anyone to replace Bill. It was impossible to find a worthier being to bestow such love upon, so why should be bother himself with others? A need for his brother rose in him like nothing he had ever felt before. It was all-consuming and if he ever thought about it for too long, he'd break down yet again and have to withdraw to his bunk. He supposed Bill’s distancing himself from him had much to do with what society perceived as the normal levels of dedication between spouses (or the like) and brothers, which were subtly different but plainly distinguishable for most people. These levels were blending for Tom when it came to his own situation. However, he decided that if Bill would always be by him, then he would be his shadow, and he would wait forever to be with him. As painful as it was to be neglected by Bill, as long as he was still around, he could go on living his little shell of a life.
As time passed, Tom developed more thoughts.
Past 'I love you', he decided I'm in love with you. Once that had been concluded, it seemed quite logical to him. And since Tom was not living in La-La-Land like his brother, logic followed logic. The next logical step was to admire and worship the one you love. How do you treat that person? Yes, he'd plunged so deep into his newfound realization as to answer The Question.
Though posed rather crudely by his brother, the answer was Yes. If you'd allow me, I'd be honored. It still wasn't about the sex in his mind. It was simply showing Bill how much he loved him, how close he wanted to be. This was not one night with some groupie, this was love. And if he could find sexual release and pleasure his lover, even better.
After he'd accepted that he indeed wanted to fuck his brother, he turned another corner. That's when he started thinking of the consequences of what he'd been saying and thinking.
Having sex with your brother is incest. Your brother is a boy, it's a homosexual relationship. You're never going to get married and have a normal family. Even if something between you ever happens, no one can ever know. It's illegal.
The word 'illegal' was ironically what made Tom ok with everything. After all, hadn't he confessed to being ok with every crime under the sun, just so he could be with Bill?
Incest is ok. Love is love.
Being with another male is fine. Bill was Bill.
Never getting married was alright. He didn't need a piece of paper.
Not having a normal family as negligible. Bill was already family.
Keeping it secret was worth being with Bill. Society didn't matter. No one else mattered, they never had.
The latest of his thoughts turned pessimistic however. Bill hates me, he thought. If that were true, and no one else mattered, then he could very well just end everything right there. He needed Bill like he needed air, and right now he was suffocating. The more he watched Bill, as Bill ate increasingly more candy and became increasingly reckless with his bedroom antics, the more the thought hounded him.
If he hates me, and there's no hope, why go on? To annoy him with my presence? He doesn't look like he even sees me. I could very well be dead if I wanted to be his guardian angel, it's the same thing.
Wait. Just wait. You said you would wait, that you would be his shadow forever.
Exactly. If I'm just waiting for nothing, what's the difference between being dead or alive? Unless there was some hope.
It was the hope that Bill would come back to him. It was all he lived for.
While Bill seemed oblivious to Tom's distress, his friends and fellow band mates were not.
Georg and Gustav were especially worried. In the last month, Tom had undergone a drastic transformation. Anything past the show of gangster clothes and reiterated lines about his mighty cock for the press was unrecognizable. Also, Bill's new sugar and bedroom habits, while less worrying than his twins', had not gone unobserved. Everyone close enough to know that something was wrong, knew whatever was wrong with Tom had to do with Bill as well.
Nobody was saying anything however, because technically none of it was hindering the success of the band. They still played the same shows, did the same interviews, took the same pictures, made the same appearances, accepted the awards, etc. And everything was on time as it ever had been. So David, security, and other privileged persons involved with Tokio Hotel took a blind eye. As for anyone else employed that wasn't close enough to see something was wrong, well, they couldn't see. And therefore there was no press scandal of a 'Twin Feud'.
That left the G's to be the only ones worrying about their friends.
Chapter 10: MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL
Georg and Gustav had woken up to a quiet tourbus this morning, except for the monotone purr of the engine and road beneath. The clock read 8:02AM which meant there was about a half-day of driving ahead of them to the next venue.
The drummer and bass guitarist were been sitting in the tourbus kitchenette with their breakfast when Gustav decided to break the silence.
"Don't you think this thing between the twins has gone on long enough?" Gustav asked as he munched on his cereal.
Tom was unusually late in waking up that morning, and as had become common, Bill was nowhere to be seen until the noise level in the bus rose to levels he could no longer sleep through.
The two boys took this opportunity to have a much awaited discussion.
"Yeah, but what on Earth can we do about it?"
"You really haven't talked to Tom about it since?"
"Since he started crying that time, no. Haven't had the heart to."
"I think you should."
"You're better friends with him than I am, you know that."
"Not the way it's been going lately. Bill's the one partying. Tom's been hanging out with you."
"We don't talk that much really."
Georg considered the situation for a few moments before resuming the conversation. He felt as if Tom would break at any moment these days. He seemed weak and drained and nothing like he used to be. Georg had no idea what changed, but he didn't want to see his friend cry again, so he left him alone. "So why not Bill? Why don't I talk to him instead? He seems a bit more like he won't break down crying if I bring it up."
"What, cuz he's happy all the time and he picks up loads of tail like Tom used to?"
"Yeah, I mean, he seems better."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No. What about?"
"Bill isn't delusional."
"I'm telling you. Something big happened between them and neither is ok."
"Bill looks alright. I mean, if something did happen and it's not just Tom, he seems pretty damn ok with it to me. He's acting normal at least."
"Normal? Really?" Gustav raised his eyebrows in disbelief. The last time Bill had gone out to an after-party, he'd spent a few minutes with the band while finishing a Snickers bar, and then hooked up with the son of an advertiser. The blonde boy raised another spoonful of milk and cereal to his mouth. He remembered that night and that didn't sound like Bill to him. Needless to say, the old Bill rarely picked up random bedroom company, and used to spend most of his time at a club drinking moderately with the rest of the band. Old-Tom used to down his shots quickly with Georg and go pick up ass.
"Yeah, I guess." The look on Gustav's face told Georg he shouldn't be sure of that answer.
"Bill's not acting like himself at all, dude!"
"He's not! He's acting like a happy sugar-high version of Tom."
That made Georg laugh. "So that candy is weird, we've said that before. What's it have to do with Tom though?"
Gustav thought for a moment. "Has he ever gotten drunk? I mean, lately."
"Tom or Bill?"
"Not that I can recall. He doesn't spend that much time with me at the clubs. There'll be like one drink in his hand, I don't know what it is, and then soon enough he'll find the hottest piece of ass in the place and run off. Now that you mention it, Tom used to drink a bit more. But isn't it a good thing he isn't getting wasted?"
"He's replaced it with sugar. I think I figured it out. See, if something was wrong, the old Tom would have got plastered like no tomorrow and we'd be hearing a bunch of chicks moaning 'Oh Tom!' all night. Bill's doing just that, except he's replaced booze for sugar. Seems more of a Bill thing to do. Doesn't mean he's not out of his tree."
"Now you've got to be kidding."
"I don't know why, but I just have a good feeling on that."
"Whatever. So why am I talking to Tom instead of Bill again?"
"Cuz Bill is delusional."
"Cuz he's happy from being high on sugar?" Georg was skeptical.
"All the time though? I'm telling you, he's avoiding Tom."
"So he's eating loads of sugar to avoid Tom for an unknown reason? Gustav, you know I trust your judgment on these things most of the time, but that's a bit sketch."
"Will you just talk to Tom? I think he needs to be approached first."
"Don't we usually tackle Bill first though? Like, in order to avoid the anger. Bill just throws a bitch-fit."
"I have a feeling we won't get anywhere if we try talking to Bill right now. And trust me, I'm pretty sure Tom won't yell at you to mind your own business these days. Just ask him what's going on between him and Bill."
And speak of the devil, Tom just walked in to the kitchen area. He was dressed in a slightly smaller t-shirt than he would usually wear out and had paired it with a pair of off-blue boxers. His dreads were in a bun and he looked a bit like the walking-dead as he sifted through the cabinets for a bowl and spoon.
It’s painfully obvious for this narrator to see the boy was living without half his soul.
Gustav motioned towards Tom and though Georg understood he was supposed to talk to the new boy in the room, he just returned his gaze to the bagel he'd almost finished. When Tom joined them at the table silently, Gustav only looked more determinedly towards Georg to start the dreaded conversation. Georg wasn't responding, so Gustav kicked him.
"Ow!" he jumped up. "What the-"
Gustav just nodded towards Tom again, who seemed to be oblivious to the world at the moment.
Georg surrendered. Let's open this can of worms.
"Morning, Tom," he said.
Tom looked up from the already sogging cereal in his bowl. "Morning," he mumbled before dropping his head again.
"Tom, we're worried about you," Georg started. "You don't seem ok, buddy."
"Maybe cuz I'm not."
That's a reply they hadn't expected.
Back in the bunk area, Bill had just awoken. He was about to step into the kitchenette but he heard his name and stopped with his hand on the dividing door handle. It was Tom talking.
"...it's like I'm losing my brother. He's not even himself anymore."
"The sugar and the girls you mean?" Georg asked.
"Not just that. He just doesn't need me anymore, at all. I know what I said, and I'll never take it back, but I don't want to lose him over it."
"What exactly did you say? Is that why you're both weird lately? Like, neither of you have been ok for a very long time now, and you know I'm telling the truth, Tom. You know you've been like a zombie lately." That was Gustav talking.
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. We just want you guys to work this out."
"I don't think I can. He hates me."
It was a subject Bill had dutifully avoided for the last three months and he couldn't listen to any more. He took his ear off the wood of the door and preferably went to the bathroom for a time-out.
He pushed open the sliding bathroom door and sat on the lowered toilet seat. The cold plastic made his thighs shiver. It was something cold to represent his heart: the toilet seat.
No. He refused it to be so.
Bill got up instead and propped his weight on his hands as he held on to the small vanity counter.
"Tomi," he whispered. This was too hard. He took his pocket mirror out and held it close to himself for several seconds.
I'm sorry, Tomi. I'm so sorry. I wish I could talk to you so bad.
Tom had pushed the end of his soggy cereal out of his way and folded his arms on the table, like a pillow for his head. "He hates me," he repeated, only this time his voice was muffled by his arms.
Georg reached a hand out to his friend's shoulder. "I doubt he does. It's not possible."
"Yes, it is." Tom's voice was again muffled.
"Tom, look at me," Georg tapped him and Tom raised his head from its cushion. "Bill does not hate you. Ok?"
"You don't know what I said. You'd hate me too if you were my brother."
"Exactly, he's your brother, you've been through everything together. He can't suddenly hate you. Like, what? You didn't murder anyone. You didn't get some chick pregnant. You didn't disown him or something. He's your twin, dude, whether you have shitty times here and there, you'll get through it."
"He's my twin," Tom said quietly. "Oh god. Don't."
The distressed singer looked into the large mirror in front of him. He needed his brother.
His hands ran over his own facial features. There were Tom's eyes, no makeup at his hour of the morning. Tom's high cheekbones. Tom's nose. He ran the tips of his fingers over his lips and was disappointed to not feel the steel bolt on the left side. He lifted his black hair off his forehead and tied it in a ponytail. When he did this, a small ring was revealed atop his right eyebrow.
Tom didn't have an eyebrow ring. He grabbed the captive ball on the steel ring between two fingers, held on to the ring with another two, and pulled. The ball came off and he slid the ring out of his eyebrow. The face in front of him resembled Tom just a bit more. He hooked the ring over his bottom lip and examined himself again. Yeah, he looked like his twin.
He's my twin... Oh god. Don't remind me.
"What?" The G's looked confused.
"…He's my twin. ...Don't. Just don't. ...I can't." Tom looked like he was going off the deep end really fast. He'd pushed away from the table and stood up, shaking slightly.
Bill had begun to unravel. He pulled back from the countertop and held the pocket mirror to his chest once more. This was too much, he needed Tom.
The Solution was a joke. Screw it. He flipped open the cover on the small mirror.
There was Tom, so close to him. Just on the other side of the mirror. There was so much he wanted to say. That he didn't hate him. That he didn't blame him. That he'd do the same. That he loved him. Yes, he loved him that much. The Question, that obscene and fowl thing he didn't want to answer, he suddenly felt possessed to answer it.
But… He's my twin. ...Don't. Just don't tell me that. ...I can't.
"What's wrong? Of course he is. Haven't you looked in a mirror your whole life? You're identical twins." Georg wasn't making the situation better for Tom though.
"I love him. I do. ...Oh god, I do." Tom started backing towards the bar-fridge instead of the door back to the bunks when Gustav blocked his way. He was shaking and fidgeting.
Bill closed his eyes and looked into his heart. When he opened them, the truth couldn't be avoided any longer.
I love him. I do. ...Oh god, I do. I love you so much.
"Tom?" Gustav approached. "Are you ok?"
"No. I'm not. ...B-Bill. I, I can't lose him. You don't understand." He had started stuttering slightly.
He leaned back on the shower door and started rocking back and forth. Only heaven knew how his legs still had the strength to hold him upright.
I'm not ok. ...T-Tom. I, I can't lose you. You don't understand…
"You won't lose him."
"I am, and I can't. I just c-can't do it." Tom was hugging himself. It was so strange for the G's to watch their friend break down like that.
Large tears began to spill from Bill's eyes, they were no longer containable. He'd messed up.
I can't lose him, and I am, and I can't. I just c-can't do it.
"Calm down, man."
"I said... I can't believe I said... I can't believe myself. I would. I would. I love him."
Sadness, and fear, and regret mixed into one horrible emotion. That's how Bill felt as he held Tom to his chest.
I said you were sick. But I am. I can't believe I said that. I can't believe myself. It's me. I would. I would. I love you.
"What did you say?"
"I would. I didn't say it. But I would too."
It's hard to face the truth. Would you fuck your own brother?
I would. I didn't say it. I couldn't, but I would too.
"What would you do? I don't understand. You did or you didn't say what?"
"I can't say. But oh god, it's bad. I can't and I can't lose him. It's my fault."
He felt like he'd lost the battle. What did it matter that he loved Tom if it was too late? He needed his brother like he needed air to breathe. He was drifting away from Tom and he didn't know how to stop it. Tom said he didn't think he could work things out. What was left? What have you done, Bill?
I can't say it. Oh god, this is bad. I can't and I can't lose him. It's my fault.
"Tom, you're not making any sense."
"I'm… out of my mind."
The only way to fix this is going back, Bill knew it. Air is air. You need it. Tom was Tom, his brother, is twin, soulmate, partner, another part of him. Going back. It's the only way.
Suffer the consequences of The Talk, The Question, The Solution.
Where's my mind gone? I need help.
Georg looked at the dreadlocked teen like he was spouting green antennae and silently begged Gustav for help. Tom wasn't making any sense and was admitting to insanity now?
This was getting really bad, really fast.
Bill looked away from the mirror in his trembling hands. He felt ill.
The room had started shifting in an odd way. Nothing was right.
Tom. I need you. Can you hear me?
He let the compact-mirror drop from his hand and it cracked at his feet. The object was worthless, no longer of any importance. He felt for the shower door behind him, the only other object he could remember to be within his reach, but it wasn't working. The glass behind him was pooling right through his fingers and the walls were too close. More tears fell down his face as the room around him and all its contents crashed into him. Awkwardly and dysfunctional, he scratched at the walls, the glass door, and the air around him. It was suffocating him. This was a life without Tom and it was a life he could no longer live.
He wrapped his arms around himself and cried softly. Everything was falling away.
"Tomi," he sobbed.
Bill collapsed, a heap on the bathroom floor.
"I'm out of my mind, and... and. ...BILL!!" Suddenly, Tom snapped out of whatever his mind was doing while hugging himself and shrinking lower to the floor. He'd sprung out from between his friends at lightning speed, and was gone before they knew what the fuck was going on. The G's looked at each other dumbfounded.
Everything was happening so fast, such a change from the norm. In the last ten minutes Tom had gone from placid zombie to jittery mess, and now he'd just run off. An explanation for what the hell was going on was more and more in order. No time to debate however.
"BILL!" They heard Tom yell again, and they rushed after him into the bunk area.
They saw him immediately and a wave of panic washed over them. He was kneeling on the threshold of their bathroom... with Bill in his arms.
Chapter 11: FALLING
What do you do when one of your friends is unconscious on the bathroom floor, his brother is weeping over him, and you're all supposed to give a giant concert later that day? You call your manager and tell him there's no fucking way you can play tonight.
"What do you mean there's no way you can play tonight?"
Georg and Gustav were still standing in the doorway to the bunk area with a clear view of the twins several meters away on the bathroom floor. Georg looked back at his friends. How much could he tell David? Why wasn't he asking for an ambulance instead? Something told him not to disturb the events unfolding, and just let them happen.
"David, I don't know what to say, but I wouldn't be asking this if it wasn't necessary. Cancel the show tonight, or reschedule it, but there's no way we can play tonight."
"Why not tonight? What's going on in that bus Georg?"
David and some of the other crew were following the band's tourbus in a second furbished coach, just behind. It was Georg's greatest fear at the moment that David would fuck everything up by ordering their own driver to pull over.
"It's ok, Dave. We'll get to the venue and the hotel and everything, but we can't play or do anything else. We need a private day."
"You're kidding. Who decided this?"
Georg looked at Gustav, pleading for help. Gustav grabbed the mobile phone from the bassist and spoke into it. "Dave?"
"Gustav? What on Earth are you all up to?"
"Georg is right. Tonight at least is a private day."
"I can't cancel on such short notice for no reason. I can't believe you're doing this to me! Universal's gonna have my ass, and you know it."
"Dave, I'm really sorry. I have to go and you have to trust me. We'll see you in a few hours. Everything is fine." Gustav sighed and flipped the phone closed. He looked back at the twins.
Tom had Bill cuddled in his arms. They had already established that Bill was breathing and he had a pulse, but Bill was still unconscious. It had been at least ten minutes since Tom had run off screaming 'BILL!'. Now, he was almost calm. Tom wiped a last tear from under his eye. He just held on to Bill's unresponsive body, rocking them both back and forth.
"Georg, that was the stupidest thing I've ever done."
I would agree.
"I know. Me too."
Well, actually I recall a nice time at a bar in LA, which Georg would rather not. However, that's a different story.
Gustav discarded the phone into Georg's bag on the floor. "Why the hell didn't we tell him what the fuck is happening? We should be calling an ambulance."
"I know. I know. I don't know why, but I feel like we shouldn't disturb this. Look at them," he said and sat down on the edge of Tom's bunk bed, which happened to be closest. Gustav joined him.
The dreadlocked guitarist brushing his fingers through his brother's long silky hair and whispering into his ear again, like the G's had seen him do periodically.
"I can't believe this. What if he doesn't wake up? What are we going to do? How are we going to explain that?"
"How do you know? What will Dave say when we have Tobi carrying an unconscious Bill off the bus? Especially since we knew about this and didn't do anything. You know, this is crazy."
"I know. But trust me. I don't know how, but they'll be ok."
The drummer was silent for a while as he watched on. "…I feel it too." Gustav nodded. "It's weird."
All they could do was watch.
Tom traced his fingers over Bill's cheek. He leaned in and whispered something more into his twin's ear. There was something mesmerizing about the situation. How was Tom so calm?
"Come back to me. I feel you," he said.
Tom brushed his lips over Bill's cheek. His kiss lingered.
"I feel you so near right now. Come back to me."
He stroked the porcelain skin with his thumb, cupping the other boy's jaw and hugging his upper body to his chest. Though he'd already positioned Bill's body across and in between his legs, he hugged the boy to him closer still. He leaned in to whisper once more.
"I love you. I know you'll come back to me."
He kissed his brother's forehead. As he stroked his twin's cheek and began feathering more and more kisses across his face, his mind was finally at peace. Something bigger than themselves was working now. He just had to be patient, Bill would wake up. He'd come back to him. He felt it.
Tom's voice was reaching levels the other two boys in the room could also hear.
"I love you, you hear that. Come back to me. You have to. I know you can."
His kisses never stopped. They brushed over new areas of his brother's skin. From his jaw to his shoulder, his temple, down his arm.
"I know you'll wake up, because I feel you."
I think the G's were starting to realize this wasn't normal. It wasn't just that they'd never seen Tom act like this before, this kind and caring, but also something in the behavior was slightly off. This wasn't very... brotherly. That was how lovers held eachother. And as if on cue, Tom's words rang through the silence.
"Because I'm in love with you, and I'll never give up on you. That's why I know."
He touched his forehead to his brother's and continued. "I know you're scared, but I also know you love me too. That's what I feel so close. And if what I feel is wrong, then I'll turn the world upside down to make it right, because I can't go on without you. I promise you that. You're everything. Sometimes I thought so and other's I forgot so, but now I know so. I'm in love with you beyond anything I've ever felt or known before. I'd die without you. I'll follow you and steal you back from Hades' grip just to be with you."
How do you react to that? Georg and Gustav couldn't. Tom, the lady's man, the prankster, and otherwise demure person they'd known for so many years was proclaiming such a love for Bill, his twin brother, that put most mythology to shame.
"I would. I want to be with you, and only you. God, I love you so much. Come back to me, Billa. I feel you too. I know you hear me and I know you're scared, but don't be. There's nothing to fear. Not anymore."
As he petted Bill's hand, he found a small steel ring in the palm and realized Bill was missing his eyebrow ring. Tom understood completely. They had gotten their eyebrow and lip piercings to look different, to be farther apart. He took the ring and hooked it back through his brother's brow, even though the ball had gone missing.
"You're my other half. Always have been. So be with me. Come back to me," he said, and kissed Bill's lips. It was the only place his kisses had left to reach. Lip to lip, a mirror image. Two halves of the same picture. Tom held the kiss. Bill's lips were so sweet, so soft, so his.
Isn't it ironic that that's when Bill woke up? He started kissing back. Tom welcomed it.
Bill's hand started moving in Tom's. He slowly felt up the arms holding him. There was no mistaking whose they were.
"Tomi," he whispered when he finally broke their mouths apart. Bill looked up at his slightly older brother, his eyes wide and on the verge of tears.
"Billa. Oh, Billa."
Tom held him to his chest, as Bill wrapped his arms around him also. They were a silent, cuddled mess on the bathroom threshold now. It was impossible to distinguish where one ended and the other began; at least, the G's couldn't tell. Gustav and Georg just watched on. It was a movie, surreal, a fairytale unfolding before their eyes.
Forbidden love. Incest. The best tragedy they had ever seen. What happens now?
Gustav nudged Georg. "Told you he'd be ok."
"Sure you did."
"I can't believe all this."
"I know. I know..."
"Did you really know?"
"No. Not a clue. Just a feeling."
"We followed the white rabbit down the rabbit-hole, didn't we?"
"I think we did."
They looked back at the twins. Tom was kissing Bill's forehead again and Bill's caressing hands had reached under Tom's shirt.
"Tom, I fell down," Bill said. And waited, for dramatic appeal to say, "Kiss it better." He looked into identical honey colored eyes as their lips met once more.
This time, the other two boys in the room felt more uncomfortable. The kiss going on was no longer innocent. It was needy, passionate, desperately hungry, and heating up faster than they cared to stick around for.
Georg tore his eyes away and looked at Gustav awkwardly. "Oh jeez. Ok, let's go." He shoved his friend to get him up from the bed.
"Yeah. I'm definitely going."
They hurried off back to the kitchenette, leaving the twins entwined on the floor. In a last glance back, Bill had pushed Tom backwards onto the floor, and Gustav shut the door swiftly.
"I still can't believe this. I can't believe we didn't see this."
"Geo, it's not something you can foresee easily. I mean, fuck!"
"Yeah, fuck is right! ...Oh shit, don't say that." Georg laughed suddenly, "They're like, making out in there."
"Oh please. No need to tell me. I've seen enough already."
"No, but dude. Did you hear Tom? Those two will never be the same again. They're staying like that, you know that."
"Tom and Bill. Brothers. I still can't believe it. We've known them for how long?!"
"It's just too perfect."
"Cheesy, Georg, but yeah. Oddly enough, I agree. That's how they're meant to be. In a really fucked up way, it makes so much sense."
"Yes, include the word 'fucked', it makes cheese sound so much less corny."
"Whatt?! It's true."
"Shut up. I know."
Chapter 12: AIRPLANES IN THE SKY
Bill massaged his tongue stud against Tom's inner mouth. He sucked and bit at his lips as his hands traveled farther up under his brother's shirt. The brunette shifted to straddle his dreadlocked twin and continued his passionate kisses. He pressed his slender body down and rubbed, and ground himself into the identical body beneath his.
This wasn't close enough. Not yet. He wanted more.
Tom moaned, "Oh god."
Bill pressed his groin into Tom's more forcefully. This wasn't enough. There were clothes in the way. There was society in the way. There was his mind. He just needed to hear Tom say all those words one more time. So he broke their kisses and stopped moving and wrapped his arms around his twin. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Tom's chest, never relieving the constricting pressure he held on with. If Tom wasn't holding him with just as much strength, his muscles might have hurt.
"Tomi. Tomi, I'm sorry," Bill breathed.
"What are we doing?"
"Whatever you want to."
"What do you want?"
"I want you." Tom petted Bill's lower back and kissed the top of his head. "So much."
"I know. I heard you. That's why I came back."
"What made you change your mind?"
"You. I can't run away from you. I was running away from myself."
"I love you. You know that. More than anything."
"Me too. I just... God, me too. I didn't want to. But I do. I love you."
"Like a normal brother or how I love you?" Tom tiptoed. He wanted to make sure. The answer might free him or kill him.
"More. Like a lover. Like I'm not supposed to. Like, everything. I couldn't run away from something like that. I don't know when it happened, but you're everything. Always have been." Bill kissed his brother's t-shirt where his head was on his chest, and looked up into his eyes. "Why did I only realize it now?" he asked.
"We disturbed our balance I guess. It was that plane ride that did it all, wasn't it?"
"I think so. I was being such a sissy about it. I thought it would be better to be more like you..."
"I didn't know how to make it better, so I became more like you."
"Oh Tomi, I'm sorry."
"Billa. Don't be sorry. It brought us together... eventually," he smiled.
"I'm sorry I was a prick I mean. I slept with way too many people, and I was a jerk to you, to keep you away."
"Why'd you do it?"
"I was scared, of loving you. I didn't want to admit it. Is that why you did it?"
"Sleep around? Naw. Well, maybe. See, now I'm not sure. I never thought about it. I just know I won't be doing that anymore."
"Me either. But you know, there are consequences for falling in love with your brother. There's no turning back."
"Then we won't turn back. Don't think of the rest. Because as long as we don't turn back, we'll always be together."
"But if we do, it'd kill me. Tomi, I can't go through that again."
"I told you you'll never be alone. Don't think in 'buts' and 'what ifs'... I love you and you love me and if the world stops spinning because of it, than so be it. We'll still always be together."
"How can you be like that?"
"Because you're worth it. Because I love you that much. I'm not letting you go, ever."
Bill reached up to kiss Tom's lips. "I love you too. But jeez, what are we doing? Like, really."
"Like, really?" Tom laughed. "I told you, anything you want."
"I mean, in life. This is crazy."
"I know. Let it be crazy. What do you want?"
"I want you. Your body pressed against mine."
"We're doing that already, Bill. Anything else?"
"I want to take your shirt off, and those boxers, and mine also. I wanna feel you."
Tom swallowed. He wanted to. This was a huge step in something even bigger. He detangled his arms from around Bill and made enough room between them to lift his large t-shirt over his head, and threw it to the side. He took hold of Bill's shirt and helped him relieve himself of it quickly, then wrapped his arms around him again. That's when he realized they were on the floor.
"Do you want to move to the bed?"
Bill considered it. "Not yet." He didn't want to move just yet. This was comfortable. This was safe. This was a small step in the right direction. As much as he wanted to prove himself right then and there, to show Tom how much he wanted to be with him, he knew they could take it slow and it would be even sweeter.
"I just want you to hold me like this right now. Just for a bit longer. We can make love later, because this is nowhere near close enough to how we should be. But for right now, I just want to breathe and be with you. I finally feel awake." Bill smiled and kissed Tom's lips again.
Tom understood. They stayed on the floor, contently wrapped up in eachother, and spent the hours whispering little nothings to eachother until they reached the hotel. The bus had obviously bypassed the concert venue, and drove them directly to the back of the latest lavish hotel in the city.
Georg cautiously knocked on the door to the bunk area. "Guys?" he called through the door he usually barged right through.
"Yeah. Come in, dumbass," came Tom's voice.
Phew. That sounded like the Tom they knew. So everything was ok.
After that, the twins' behavior had pretty much returned to how the G's remember them, with minor changes.
Ok, so maybe the fact that the two brothers were fucking like bunnies wasn't a minor change, but at least their personalities were back to normal, and that's what mattered to the G's. Tom was the macho ass, Bill was the diva. Tom talked about how awesome his dick was, Bill just sat around looking shy. Tom was the tough one, Bill came to him for support. Tom flirted, Bill drank with the boys. However, the change there is that neither pulled random tail anymore. Even when Tom flirted with other girls, he came back to Bill at night. And how did Gustav and Georg know that? Well, Bill was pretty fucking loud during sex.
The normal lie was that Tom had some chick in the room with him, and Bill had slept over in the G's room.
Gustav and Georg were more than happy to keep their friends' secret. After all they'd seen the last few months, how could they ever try and tear that pair apart? A love like theirs was impossible to quell, and for normalcy's sake, it was better than having them fighting or not talking. At least things were back to 'normal' now.
Gustav tapped Georg on the shoulder, but the boy was unresponsive. He seemed to be asleep, and Gustav didn't want to wake him. He looked around instead.
David was typing away on his laptop a few seats in front, and Gustav could see Dieter and Alex playing a game of Chess on a mini magnet board. He looked behind him and saw the twins were also asleep. Bill was sprawled across two seats, with his head in Tom's lap, while Tom had his seat reclined back and held Bill's hand as they slept.
The seats and room began to shake suddenly, and the security men in front almost lost their boardgame.
"Oh fucking hell," one mumbled.
Gustav's eyes filled with fear. He gave the bassist beside him a harsh jab in the shoulder, now with intent to wake.
"Georg!" Gustav hissed. "What if we're not so lucky this time?"
"Bill? You've gotta be kidding me, haven't you got over this yet? Take your PMS somewhere else and let me sleep." Georg groaned and fluffed his pillow without opening his eyes..
"Noooo! It's Gustav. And I'm serious. What if??"
Georg finally turned to face his friend. "I'm sure whatever it is this time, we'll be fine. But we are so never flying United again!" Turbulence had ceased to faze him long ago.
Planes, trains, and automobiles. That's what their life was.
Currently, it was a plane they were on.
Traumatic or near-death experiences make one analyze the things that are truly important to them. When the sky is falling, only those who have nothing to live for will be questioning if they forgot the coffee maker on that morning. Chances are that when you're faced with death, you'll be thinking about what you miss most in the world. Sometimes it's a broad range of things and people that you love. Sometimes it's a singular entity that you live for. For Tom, it was Bill.
Such an experience works like a shock. A shock can either bring things to life, change them, or kill them.
When the Kaulitz twins thought they were going to die, it flipped their natural balance and eventually this brought them together; like two tectonic plates that rupture in earthquake, only to settle into a more comfortable state.
Myths and folklore describe instances where a balance is disturbed. Many leave us to wonder what could have been had it not been for that shock, that tiny spark, that push that tilted an axis, a change which rippled through eternity. What if Prometheus had never stolen fire from Zeus and given it to the mortals? What if Romeo hadn't misinterpreted Juliet's death? What if the first life to be sparked on Earth was wiped away as quickly as it came? What if Alice had never followed the white rabbit? Some stories are grim and some quite joyous, but the fact remains: a balance is delicate. Once disturbed, it is hard to replace.
A fertilized egg cell splits in two, and a mother has two identical children. Who is to say they are better in two? Would they have been better off as one?
Mind boggling, isn't it?
Boy, I'm being quite the philosopher today.