It’s funny, how Leah didn’t think about it until she opened the drawer four months later, looking for a piece of clothing she hadn’t exploded out of yet, and was confronted with the box of unopened tampons.
Any thought of… that , of pain and nausea, and the pervading smell of blood, had been driven out of her mind for months, consumed as she was by the fact that, hey, she was the first female to turn into a werewolf and no one knows what that meant and god all of this was awful and she had to hear what Sam was thinking --
It had been a lot to deal with. Too much to deal with.
And now this.
It didn’t have to mean anything. It could be the stress. It could be the changes to her biology, her body still adjusting. But, something deep inside Leah knew. She knew . Knew, in the same way she knew what Sam was going to tell her that day he came to her, downturned head and soft voice.
It wasn’t like she had ever wanted children. Or, more like, she hadn’t thought about it. Not yet. It was something that would happen, someday, when she’d gotten her degree and settled down, married (married Sam ). She didn’t know it would hurt this much, the knowledge that this was yet another thing taken from her, yet another thing the curse in her blood denied her.
Everyone in the pack felt uncomfortable with her pain, shied away from her, loudly thinking of anything else if she thought about her hurt too long. She was unknown, a girl. Strange enough that they had to deal with some sense of modesty when they phased now, having to know about the plumbing of a woman’s internal organs was just one thing too many.
It was ridiculous, the way the nervous little boys in the bodies of grown men avoided her, tried to make her quiet down. She shouldn’t make them uncomfortable, shouldn’t make them think about things they didn’t understand, didn’t want to understand.
Not only could she actually turn into a wild animal now, it actually felt like she was one. Caged, trapped, caught up in a cycle of pain and hurt and repression all the time.
Sam was the worst, because he was the kindest. He quieted everyone down when they started taking low shots at Leah, as anyone who was forced together was wont to do after some time. He was protective of her, looked at her with soft eyes, guilty eyes, understanding eyes.
And, god, did Leah hate that. And he knew it, knew everything. Knew the way Leah’s heart still lurched painfully when she saw him, knew the way she couldn’t make herself hate Emily, couldn’t begrudge her cousin the smile on her face, knew the way she ran, ran, and ran, just so she wouldn’t curl up into a ball, crying, drowning in the tragedy that was her life.
Her life was so fucking unfair, she could barely breathe. She’d had everything, once. She had the perfect boyfriend, excellent grades, a scholarship lined up after high school. Then, the summer before she went to university, trying to escape her broken heart, she phased, her father had a heart attack, (she killed her fucking father cause she was such a freak of nature), and this was her life now.
Running around with prepubescent boys and her ex, who was now engaged to her cousin, all while dealing with the fact that everything she was was wrong and strange and not normal .
Perhaps it really would be easier just to kill herself.
You know Sam would just Alpha order you not to do it , Paul snarled in her head, her patrolling partner for the night.
It’s not his choice , Leah growled back, rolling her eyes and wondering for the nth time what Sam was thinking when he put her and Paul together on patrol. She knew they were widely considered to be the most volatile pack members, so letting them patrol together just seemed like asking for trouble.
It’s Emily’s birthday . Sam thought it would be better not to invite you, and I just didn’t want to go . There was a smidge of vicious smugness in Paul’s voice as he relayed the message, but Leah only felt a short, small hit of pain as she received the news.
She lived in so much pain and hurt nowadays, this was nothing.
Once, when her biggest worry was that she’d gained too much weight to wear her favourite pair of jeans, this would have hurt like a motherfucker. This would have had her sobbing and clinging to her mother and giving Emily the cold shoulder for days . Now it was simply a drop of pain in a pool of misery.
You’re so fucking dramatic . She could feel Paul rolling his eyes, and growled warningly.
Shut the fuck up, dipshit. Just cause you’re so unpleasant that even people who have no reason to feel guilty around you don’t want you with them, that’s no reason to take it out on me .
She felt the flinch across their bond, and let her wolf bare its teeth, tongue lolling out.
You’re such a stuck up, bitter, bitch. No wonder Sam dumped your ass .
Yeah, no wonder .
After that, she pushed herself so hard and so fast, all she could think about was the undergrowth flying beneath her paws. She ran .
It was dark, when she came home, like it always was when she came home these days. Her mom was waiting for her on the front porch when she came home, which was not normal. Not anymore. At the beginning, after her dad's death, after the confusion of two children turning into monsters, Sue Clearwater would stay up each night, every night, unable to come to rest until both her children were beneath her roof. That ended, though, when Leah walked in on her mother collapsed in the kitchen, exhausted from near a week without sleep, and her mother finally agreed this was doing no one any good.
She still worried, of course, she still had deep dark shadows beneath her eyes, but after nearly five months of this, they adapted. They had to.
Leah phased and tugged on the loose dress she'd had tied to her ankle. She didn't have a lot of dresses to begin with, and after bursting out of most of them, she had restricted wearing them. It was okay now, though. She had it under control now. Sort of. Mostly.
Leah grunted a greeting as she joined her mother on the tiny porch, sinking down on the steps.
"Good evening to you too, Leah."
Leah looked over at her mother and realised she was dressed in her nice clothes. "So." Leah cleared her throat. "You went to Emily's, then?"
"I was invited." Sue's tone was gentle, and although Leah knew it was meant to calm, pacify, it felt like it was brushing her fur all the wrong ways.
"I wasn't." Leah aimed for casual and landed somewhere north of punched in the gut.
"Did you expect an invite? Did you even remember it was her birthday?"
Leah's jaw worked as she fought to keep the now familiar anger from bursting through her skin. She breathed in. She breathed out. Once more. Her hands were rock steady. "No. I'd been a bit preoccupied the past few months. Didn't realise so much time had passed."
"The world does not stop turning just because it's convenient."
Leah knew her mother well enough not to flinch. Sue was gentle, calm, and straightforward as hell. She cut no corners and spared no one her matter of factness. Not even herself. That did not mean it didn't hurt.
"She was trying to be kind, you know? By not inviting you."
And that's the other worst part, the part that made her anger that much more difficult to control, that caused her to still have days where she couldn't keep her human form no matter how much she tried.
Because, you know, it wasn't their fault. It really wasn't. Sam didn't want to break up with Leah, didn't want to break her heart, but his wolf made his decision for him. And Leah knew from firsthand experience how futile fighting against your own nature is. She wanted to be mad at Emily, too. Emily still had a choice in accepting Sam's advances. But one look at the besotted expression on Sam's face when he looked at Emily cleared that right up to. They just, just fit together. In a way Leah and Sam never could.
In a way that, apparently, Leah wasn't meant to fit with anybody.
Leah nodded jerkily, before a wry smile teased at her mouth. "If you don't count Paul's complaining, that is."
"One day, you and that boy are gonna have to grow up and reign in those attitudes of yours." Leah could feel Sue's intense eyes on her and, as was instinctual, she lashed out.
"Gonna be a bit difficult, that, since, oh, you know, we can't actually grow up now, can we?"
Sue started to say something, but Leah was already up, moving towards the woods in a jog. She'd thought she was calm enough now, that she could breathe and actually go to sleep, but apparently her mother just couldn't stop poking at a wound that never had time to scab over.
Leah carefully didn't think about where she was going, what she was doing. There was the faint awareness of Embry and Quill running patrol, but they barely did more than take note of her.
She didn't think about where she was going, but her body knew the way. She kept her eyes on the ground, not wanting any flash of recognition to alert anybody else to what she was up to to show. The moment she recognized the feel of the dirt beneath her paws, she phased and went the rest of the way on foot.
The Black's home was big, for a rez house. Pros of being the rightful chief of the tribe, even though Jacob refused to take his place as Alpha. It was big, and fairly isolated, and perfect for what Leah had in mind.
She didn't knock. She was fairly sure Billy knew, as he was not a complete idiot and, once, while sneaking out in the early hours of the morning she had seen a cold stack of pancakes left out on a plate, but it was the principal of the matter. You don't knock on the front door of the guy's parents house where you were making a booty call.
The window was left open, though Leah never knew whether that was for her benefit or just because they all ran so fucking hot, and it was the work of a few seconds to vault herself into the room, right onto the chest of a startled awake Jacob.
Leah knew this was wrong. On all levels. Morally and legally. It was wrong, the kid was illegal and she was sick for doing this, but even the first few times, that hadn't been much of a deterrent. Neither of them had meant for it to happen, of that much Leah was 100% sure of. The first time was spur of the moment, blood running too hot and too wild, both broken-hearted over the people that didn't choose them. The next few times… less so.
Before Jacob could say anything, Leah sealed her mouth over his, wild and desperate from the start. She needed this. She needed to get this hot heavy feeling out of her, if only for a few hours, and this was the quickest, most pleasant way to do so.
To Jacob’s credit it only took him a few seconds to kiss back, to plant his warm and sleep-heavy hands on her hips before sliding them beneath her dress and cupping her bare behind. Jacob’s kisses were still sluggish, so it was the work of a few minutes to work her tongue into his mouth and taste the tell-tale sting of alcohol in his mouth.
Of course. Of course. Jacob had been at Emily’s party too. Of course he was invited. Not that it mattered. Not that he had any responsibility or reason not to go just because Leah wasn’t. Not like he had any reason to take Leah’s feelings into account. That wasn’t what their arrangement was about. So it shouldn’t make even a tiny cut on Leah’s heart.
Leah broke away abruptly, hands grasping at Jacob’s bare chest, desperate for the feeling of warm skin, human contact, someone needing her for once, even if just for a little.
Jacob grunted and blinked his eyes open, a tiny frown on his face that Leah had the strange urge to kiss, to smooth away into unmarred skin. She leant down to kiss him again, but Jacob turned his head away, removing his hands from underneath Leah’s dress and pushing himself into a sitting position, Leah on his lap.
They looked at each other, Jacob with a slowly deepening frown and Leah with what she was sure was ill-disguised desperation. She would feel more ashamed about it if she hadn’t done infinitely worse things in front of Jacob by now, including, but not limited to, crying from overwhelmed feelings the first time he went down on her. She was maybe sorta a little bit fucked up.
“What are you doing here?” Jacob’s voice was rough and deep, and Leah didn’t try and suppress the shiver that went through her at the sound of it.
“What does it look like?” To emphasise her point, Leah pulled her dress off, taking silent pride in the way Jacob’s eyes fastened on her naked body in the moonlight.
“It’s late.” Jacob swallowed.
“Or early. Does it matter?”
Jacob’s jaw tightened and a muscle jumped there, but finally he shook his head and leaned forward, immediately sucking a nipple into his mouth while a hand came up to fondle her other breast. Leah gave a tiny sigh in relief, relief that he hadn’t pushed her off, sent her home, said he was too tired for this shit. She probably had teenage hormones to thank for that, but she liked to think it was partly to do with the fact that Jacob was fond of her. To some extent, at least.
It wasn’t long before Leah felt the tell-tale hardness beneath her and she shifted until her wet opening was rubbing along the length. Jacob groaned from where his face had been buried in her neck, sucking hickeys that would disappear by morning.
“Please?” Leah asked, asked because she wanted this to be his choice as much as hers, couldn’t rightly live with herself if she was the only one leading their trysts.
Jacob gave one last, long suck at the junction of her neck and shoulder, drawing a shuddering, muffled moan from Leah before nodding and reaching for his bedside table. Leah’s hand landed on his arm, stopping him, waiting until he looked at her before shaking her head, a small, twisted facsimile of a smile on her face.
“That’s… really not necessary.” Leah blinked quickly, trying to expel the sudden burning of her tear ducts, clearing her throat and cursing the scratchiness of her throat. “Really.”
Werewolves weren’t subject to most diseases, given their accelerated healing and robust immune systems. That extended to STD’s, but Leah and Jacob had always been very careful, after that first frantic fumble, to use protection. Leah had thought herself lucky when nothing came of that first, ill-thought out time, but after the tampons… well. There really was no reason to worry about it.
Jacob’s eyes immediately flicked to her midriff, and she had to stifle an immediate, hysterical burst of laughter against his shoulder at the intense discomfort on his face.
“Relax, I’m not trying to trap you.” Leah snorted. The idea was preposterous to the extreme; the thought that Leah would want something more to tie her to this pain-strewn reservation. “That’s just, not something you have to worry about. Or me. Ever.” She laughed again, quietly, until she realised there were salty tears sliding down her cheeks and the laughter sounded more like sobs now and--
And Jacob was frozen against her, rigid, uncomfortable to the extreme with this display and Leah just. She just. Couldn’t.
It would be a lie to say that she had been expecting Jacob to hug her tightly, to rock with her and then make sweet love to her. It would be a lie to say she hadn’t wanted it, however slightly, anyway.
But, her name was Leah Clearwater, she was the first female werewolf in the history of the tribe, and her life was not some fairy-tale romance where everything works out in the end. Her life worked more like this:
After a small eternity of Jacob still sitting frozen beneath her, Leah opened her eyes to see him staring at her, white-faced and bewildered, and her sobs petered off into rueful laughter, her situation made more ridiculous by the fact that Jacob’s flagging erection still lay against her thigh.
This wasn’t his fault, none of it was, so, with a long sigh, Leah patted his cheek and lifted herself off of him. The kid was seventeen years old, no matter the fact that he looked to be in his twenties, and it’s only right that this should end with Leah silently dressing herself while Jacob pulled his legs up against his chest, looking at her with big, lost eyes.
Leah paused, one leg out the window, and turned to him. “It’s okay.” It wasn’t. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He didn’t. “We should probably stop this anyway.” They should. She should. She didn’t want to. “I--Goodnight.”
Leah didn’t look back. She wanted to, wanted to see if Jacob was looking at her, but she didn’t. He probably wasn’t, and she was already crying so adding any more fuel to the fire would be extremely unproductive. She walked the whole way home, and if it wasn’t for the sun starting to peek above the horizon, she wasn’t sure she would have gone in.
It was late, or early, however, and Leah’s eyes hurt and she had a pounding headache and it was just so much easier to allow herself to faceplant into her bed and become insensible to the world for a while. The world, and all its problems, would still be there when she woke up.
It was a couple of days later, while Leah was shoving her second plate of pancakes into her mouth, that there came a knock on the door and then Sam’s voice.
Leah didn’t stiffen. She didn’t, because she was still half asleep and she didn’t because she’d taught herself not to. That didn’t stop her glaring, however, when Sam’s tall figure filled the kitchen and took a seat across from her while her mother mumbled something about catching a smoke outside. Leah didn’t want to look up, didn’t want to give him the attention he was so clearly looking for, but she was but a girl trying her best to be a woman, so she looked up, saw the serious look on Sam’s face, and looked down at her pancakes again.
Good pancakes, best pancakes. Pancakes that never stomped on her heart and threw it away and then inadvertently kept rubbing her face in it.
Sam kept silent until Leah finished her pancakes, and finally Leah sighed and looked up, resigned to the fact that she wasn’t getting out of this that easily.
Sam’s arms were crossed, staring at her from across the cheap, yellow-surfaced top of the table, and Leah couldn’t suppress a small smile. It was bittersweet, but she could still remember the days when Sam dropped by daily for Sue’s pancakes and oats, and it was a strange kind of deja vu, to see him here again and know that she’s not going to like whatever it was he’s got to say. She never does, these days.
Leah didn’t flinch, but it was a near thing. The voice Sam was using on her was angry and firm which, while not unheard of, was unusual. Anytime Sam talked to her lately it was soft, almost pleading, with an undercurrent of guilt which Leah simultaneously thought was well-deserved yet hated. If nothing else, it was yet another reason for the pack to sneer at her and her ‘special treatment.’
Sam broke off, eyes catching on the way Leah stiffened up, a cold waterfall of dread and fear travelling down her spine. He narrowed his eyes and continued.
“Jacob… he told me something.”
“Oh, I bet he did,” Leah snarled. Her anger and fear responses had been tangled up when she was still fully human. Phasing sure as fuck hadn’t made it easier to handle.
“He said-- He said you slept with someone without protection, just because you think that you’re… that you can’t get pregnant.”
The knot in Leah’s throat hovered for a few confused seconds before slowly dissolving as Leah began to comprehend the situation. Jacob was a fucking snitch , and a child , but at least he hadn’t said something that might have caused both of them (Leah more, though) a world of trouble.
Leah let out a hacking laugh and smiled at Sam with all her teeth. “And you believed that little dipshit? Like I would even tell him anything about my hookups . I definitely wouldn’t tell him about, something like that.” Leah’s smile threatened to falter at the sharp reminder of what she could never have, but she had been pretending for months and she wasn’t going to break now. “Besides, even if I did… all of that , it really isn’t any of your business.”
Sam’s lips thinned and Leah saw the strain in his arms as he kept them crossed. Sam might have the rest of the pack fooled about his ‘mythic’ control over his wolf and how he ‘completely changed his ways’ after the Emily incident, but Leah knew him. Knew that he had been raging against the system for years, that he had been righteously infuriated by the treatment of Native Americans, that he had been planning on becoming a politician, planning on making things better . Leah knew him, and she knew that anger like that, plus anger at being denied the one chance he had and being confined to the reservation whose conditions so grated against him could never make for a peaceful Sam. He tried his best, and he was a very good actor, but he had never been able to fool Leah.
Which was why, when he shifted his gaze to glare at the table, Leah knew what the glint in his eyes meant.
“Wait, wait, wait.” Leah held up her hands, relishing in the knowledge that roared through her. “You’re not jealous , are you?” She splayed her hands on the table, something wild burning in her chest.
Sam rolled his eyes. “Of course not. I’m just worried, and even if you think there’s no danger of you--”
“Oh, no, excuse me. I forgot. Doctor Sam here knows the female body better than any woman, and with his grand total of two girlfriends, one of which he, hm, mutilated, he is clearly more qualified than anyone else to give judgement on what a woman does and doesn’t know about her own body .”
The chair clattered on the floor as Same shot up, hands landing on the table which groaned under the pressure as he towered over a still seated Leah.
A normal person, Leah thought, in the part of her brain that wasn’t completely taken up by anger and pain and fear and pain and a wild sort of carefree self-destructiveness, would be frightened right about now. A normal person would see a large, muscled man leaning over them and cower in their seat. Leah however, knew the monster hiding beneath his skin, knew that he was the alpha of her pack and she didn’t care , was raring for a fight.
In fact, she was just about to get up, get into his face, give as good as she got, when Sue Clearwater’s voice came from the doorway.
“If you two are going to fight, might I request that you get the fuck out of my house? I quite like the way the kitchen looks right now.”
It took a second, but Sam seemed to shrink down into himself, tired lines appearing around his eyes and on his forehead, before he sighed and turned around, apologised to Sue, and disappeared out the door.
Leah watched him until she couldn’t see him anymore, then turned back to her mother, feeling cheated. She’d finally gotten Sam alone and riled up enough to actually get a real reaction out of him, and her mom just had to intervene.
Her mother didn’t turn from her station at the sink, methodically rinsing dishes. “Money doesn’t grow on trees, and your and Seth’s clothes aren’t exactly cheap, you know.”
Leah rolled her eyes and made to leave but was stopped by her mother’s voice, still as clear and calm as always.
“So, you’re infertile.” It wasn’t a question, and it wasn’t phrased like one. It was a statement of fact that landed squarely between them, seeming to weigh down Leah’s heavy heart even more.
“Yes.” It wasn’t a statement that required an answer, but Leah provided it anyway. “I’m infertile.” It’s the first time Leah had said it out loud and, strangely, it hadn’t been as uncomfortable as Leah thought it would be. It almost felt like they were talking about somebody else, Leah just a mildly interested onlooker in her own body.
“ Are you sleeping around?” There was no judgement in her mother’s voice, and though Leah resented that she even had to ask, she appreciated that.
“ No .” She thought about Jacob. “Not in the way Sam was talking about.”
Leah got a lifted eyebrow at that, but her mother just hummed and let it go, turning back to the sink. Leah almost thought it was done, that she was free to go, when her mother spoke up again.
“Do you want to go make sure? About the infertility?”
Leah stopped. Breathed in. Clenched her fists. Breathed out. Unclenched her fists. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d like to make sure.
Dr Taylor was kind but efficient, completing the exam with the kind of calm detachment that reminded Leah so much of her mother it didn’t occur to her to be nervous until Dr Taylor sat her down at her desk afterwards.
“Are you sure you don’t want your mother here?”
Sue was in the waiting room, having driven them there, but Leah had insisted on going in alone. She was an adult, even though she didn’t always feel like it, and she could do this on her own. She had to. “I’m sure.”
Dr Taylor shuffled around some papers on her desk before coming to rest across from Leah. “Now, I need you to remember that the data we have about shapeshifters is still very little, especially since you are the first female shapeshifter in living memory.” Leah nodded. She knew this. Knew the prognosis the doctor gave would be just a tad more reliable than her own. Still, she had to know. “Taking that into account, please consider anything said as under revision until new information is made available. For now, all indicators show that you will not be able to have natural children.”
It’s said tactfully, emphasis on the natural, giving Leah an out, and option that she would not have to be without children her entire life, if that was what she wanted. The fact stood however: Leah was barren. Dry as a desert. Whatever you want to call it. Leah could not be anyone’s (Sam’s) mate, and this was why.
The knowledge didn’t hurt. It actually felt like it cauterized the wound that had been bleeding from this secret, private knowledge for so long. It had been confirmed, it sucked, and Leah had to find a way to live with it now. This is who she was, and she wasn’t going to change anytime soon.
She thanked the doctor, took one of the lollipops offered (they were cherry, okay) and joined her mom in the waiting room. She expected questions, but Sue took one look at her daughter’s face, nodded, and took Leah to the car where she took her daughter in her arms.
Leah was stiff at first, but her mother was a warm, comforting presence, the smell of cigarettes and her perfume folding over Leah like a well-worn blanket and Leah didn’t try to stop the sobs aching to break free inside her.
She wasn’t crying about what Dr Taylor had said. Well, not just because of that. Leah wasn’t quite sure exactly what she was crying about, apart from all of it, but she appreciated the way her mother’s arms were a firm presence around her shoulders, holding her close, holding her together, reminding her that she was not alone.
It was a quiet drive home and a quiet night and the only recognition Sue gave of the turmoil her daughter was going through was to make Leah’s favourite food (fishfingers and chips) and wave off Seth’s query about why they were gone all day. Seth’s glance rested heavily on Leah as he asked this, and she knew she was in trouble. With Sam, with the pack, for shirking her duties, but then again, what the fuck was new.
“You’re running patrol tonight,” Seth informed her later, drying a plate Leah handed him. “Sam was… pretty pissed off about something today. You didn’t make him, you know, mad again, did you?”
Seth’s eyes were wide and worried and despite his appearance he looked exactly like the young boy he was. Leah shrugged, mouth tilting up at one corner, and said, “Probably. I’m a very infuriating person.” She paused for a moment, letting the sponge in her hand absorb water from the sink, before lifting it and squeezing it above Seth’s head, laughing at his exclamation of surprise.
After a moment, pleasant surprise flickered in Seth’s eyes and he began laughing as well, giving back as good as he got until the kitchen was more water than not and Sue had been in to yell at them three times already. The final time, she came in and clicked her tongue, pushing Leah out the door for patrol and directing Seth to cleaning the kitchen.
Leah was still laughing as she wandered into the woods, in no rush. She hadn’t laughed like that in a long time, and seeing her baby brother look anything but serious; a look that suited him ill, had been good. He was a kid, and deserved a life as one.
She knew that voice. She didn’t want to be hearing that voice.
“Jacob.” Leah eyed him cautiously as he stepped out of tree line. It was clear he was expecting her to stop, but like hell was Leah going to give him a chance to put her in any sort of emotionally compromising position while they were still in ear-shot of her house. So she walked on, deriving a tiny bit of satisfaction as he tripped over his feet to follow her. It was the small things in life.
“Can we talk?”
Leah walked a few steps further before stopping, turning back to face Jacob with crossed arms. “About what, exactly? You wanna talk about snitching to Sam? You wanna talk about how you told him I was sleeping around?” Leah hadn’t properly realised it before she spoke, but she was fucking furious at Jacob. True, they hadn’t had any guidelines concerning their… arrangement, but she’d thought keeping it and everything about it a secret was part and parcel of it.
Jacob visibly winced, one hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. “I didn’t say you were sleeping around, I was just… You seemed upset and I—”
“And you were worried? Worried enough to tell Sam that I’ve been whoring myself out to anyone who showed the tiniest interest while eschewing protection because I can’t have kids?” Leah words were tight, clipped, angry, and it was a welcome, hazy heat. Leah knew anger, she knew how it felt and how it curled around her and how it could keep her going for ages . Anger was a hundred times better than the strange, twisting feeling seeing Jacob had awakened again.
“Oh, spare me,” Leah scoffed. “You didn’t know how to deal so you ran to the big strong Alpha who was sure to put the irritating and confusing bitch—”
“That’s not it!” Jacob looked genuinely upset, deep lines in his forehead, tense, upset line in his shoulders. “That’s not it. I was worried and I wanted to help and I messed up and then you went away and I didn’t know what to do and—”
“Well, you don’t go to Sam! ” Leah yelled. “I don’t give a fuck how confused or scared you are, you don’t fucking go to Sam .” Leah was not all that surprised when she tasted salt, eyes stinging with the telltale burn of tears. “How the fuck would you like it if I reported your every move to Bella?” Jacob flinched, and Leah smiled viciously through her tears. Good. She needed to make him understand. “I’m already monitored 24/7, but fuck me for wanting this one thing, right? Fuck me. Oh, wait, you already did.”
Leah didn’t know if he said anything else, if he tried to defend himself, because she turned and phased, tattered pieces of her clothes fluttering to the ground in her wake. She didn’t even try to hide her thoughts; she was fucked anyway. Everyone would know she had fucked Jacob, everyone would know she was fucked up and sick, everyone would know that she had freaked out, that she was a biological dead-end, that she was about as useful as a white pencil on paper.
Everyone would know, and she just… didn’t fucking care .