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Baby, You're a Haunted House

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To say being a ghost was boring was an understatement for Richie Tozier. It was fucking dull as shit. Do you remember how people used to imagine what it would be like to be a ghost and the things they would do? Yeah, it’s not fun at all. Being a ghost sucks. The apartment he had occupied for the past year was bare. It was uncomfortable, to say the least for Richie to “sleep” in since all the furniture from the previous owner had been removed. That was another thing he hated about being a ghost. Not being able to sleep on a bed.

For many days, Richie would wonder why he was still stuck on Earth despite being dead as a doorknob. He didn’t know not all souls would automatically go to heaven or hell. Apparently, there had been a long ass list of names that were on the waiting list to go either way. It’s insane really. And do you know what’s another thing that really sucks about being a ghost? Not being able to leave the place you’re forced to inhabit unless something miraculous happens to you (which is a slim chance of something ever happening). Apparently, ghosts can’t walk through walls at all. That was just a myth created by Hollywood. Definitely not cool at all. Richie craved to go explore the outside world. To mingle with others and surround himself with people he loves. He hated the everbearing silence. He hated that he didn’t know what time of day it was and what year it had been.

And don’t get him started on food. He missed eating and drinking. The feeling of eating so much that you could almost vomit. The sweet burning sensation of soda.

Do you know what’s the one burning thing that tops all the other reasons why being a ghost sucks? It’s that you’re forever alone and no one will ever come looking for you. Now that’s the number one thing Richie hated the most about being a ghost. It beat everything else on the list of the reasons why this whole life sucks. He could think of a million other reasons why the undead life isn’t great, but these reasons were the ones that stuck with him the most.

He had wondered what had he done in his past life that would bring this eternal suffering. He swore hell was a better place than this if he had actually been to be sent there instead. But he didn’t know. And that's another issue that crossed the ghost’s mind. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him and the outside world. And it drove him mad of course.

So Richie did his normal routine. Wake up, not knowing what time it is and just stare into space. Sometimes he would stare out at the only window in the whole apartment. If he was lucky enough, something interesting like a car accident might pop up once in a lifetime near the apartment complex. Unfortunately, that was what his undead life resorted to. Absolutely nothing. Richie kept praying to whichever God that would listen to his pleas for change to occur. Ever since he had become a ghost, he was unsuccessful. Until now.

Richie heard the sound of keys rattling against the door to the apartment. A short man with a belly the size of a watermelon had come bursting into the apartment that the ghost occupied. A tall and slimmer man was trailing behind him. Richie had been startled at the sudden visitors but was a little pleased for someone actually coming.

“So, this is the place! It’s very spacious as you can see for an apartment.” The short man had boasted.

“There’s no rats or any creatures lurking around here, correct? I’m not very fond of those guys roaming around, y’know.” The slim man noted.

“Ah yes, none at all! Here at Springs Complex, we do our very best to keep critters out of the complex.” The watermelon belly man had grinned.

“Good.” The slim man thought for a moment and clicked his tongue. “It’s a bit dusty and the place needs a little repainting, but I think that’ll be fine.”

The man with the watermelon belly hadn’t said anything. He let the slim man do his thing, looking for every nook and cranny of the place. Anything that wouldn’t meet his standards. Luckily, the slim man wasn’t able to find anything out of the ordinary.

“Okay, everything seems to meet my standards.” The slim man happily replied.

“Great! Let’s go downstairs now and we can fill out the necessary paperwork.”

Both men had left the apartment, leaving the flattered ghost back in the agonizing silence. Richie had tried to get a better look at the slim man while he was surveying the place, but the man kept goddamn moving. However, that didn’t matter to him as much as he was going to have a roommate. He finally had someone to keep him company at last. He was looking forward to the day the slim man was moving in.