“The thing about coming out as gay after years of repression is that there’s this whole new lingo that you have to pick up,” Richie says. “I thought I understood the basics, like I know a twink is, usually I just describe it as ‘my type’, but well-”
He paused for laughter, looking out at the crowd. He used to get awkward titters of laughter whenever he mentioned his sexuality, but as time went on his audience type shifted, and now he is greeted with loud and familiar laughter from people who get it.
“See since I’ve been online and interacting with all of you wonderfully fucked up people, I’ve learned so much new shit. The other day I saw this tweet that was like ‘Richie Tozier passes the vibe check’ and I don’t know what the fuck that is or if it’s a compliment- So I do what any reasonable adult would do. I google it.”
Richie mimes pulling out his laptop, typing at a snails pace - “What the fuck is a vibe check ?”
As he continues to act out watching a video on youtube, going from confused to mild surprise, and then miming shutting his laptop, the crowd continues to laugh.
“I still don’t know if that was a compliment or not, but fuck it,” Richie shrugs. “Because the best piece of new ‘lingo’ that I picked up is calling anything that is even slightly inconvenient to me homophobic . Truly life changing.”
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth bill refusing to cast me in his new movie is homophobia at its finest.
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth i mean honestly whats the point of nepotism if it doesnt lead to bill casting me in a movie
Edward Kaspbrak @EKaspbrak @trashmouth Using big words that you don’t know the meaning of doesn’t make you sound any smarter, idiot.
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @EKaspbrak okay boomer
“People on the internet are calling me homophobic, and I- Richie, stop laughing.”
He wants to he really does, but the irony of the situation is really just that funny . Bill doesn’t seem to see the humor of the situation, but Bill has always been a bit too serious for his own good.
“It’ll blow over,” Richie assues him, waving his chopsticks in Bill’s direction dismissively, “I mean, just a few months ago people thought you were having an illicit affair with me so,” Richie shrugs.
He’s reasonably sure that some paparazzi caught them walking from where they parked Bill’s rental car to the restaurant, so now doubt another set of rumors will be online soon. Most of the paparazzi following had died down once Richie got married and moved to New York, something which made Eddie endlessly happy, already having been anxious about their privacy being violated so often. Whereas Richie kinda found it fun, seeing whatever weird stories they would try to tell about him.
It was so much better than the sort of press he used to get years ago, back when he had counted getting caught getting high with James Franco as his good press , because everything else was so bad in comparison.
“You know,” Bill says, “If you want to be in one of my movies you could have just said so.”
“I did, repeatedly, in the Losers’ group chat.”
“You were doing a bit, Richie.”
And okay he was.
And really he didn’t even want to be in one of Bill’s movies, all of Bill’s movies are dark and scary and serious and Richie has had enough horror in his real life that he didn’t need to act it all out again. But really, it was a matter of principal now.
“It’s not like you act,” Bill continues. “I mean, you were on SNL for, what, a few episodes-”
“First off, fuck you.”
Bill laughs at that.
“And last I checked as the Emmy winner at this table-”
“I already regret coming to New York.”
Bill Denbrough ✓ @BillDenbrough PSA: The reason that I’m not casting @trashmouth in one of my movies isn’t because he is gay, it’s because he can’t act.
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @BillDenbrough as someone who once had to pretend to be sexually attracted to amy schumer i take offense to that statement
“Looking at your IMDb page actually gives me second hand embarrassment,” Eddie says.
Coming home and complaining about how Bill said he couldn’t act felt like a good idea at the time, except it had led to Eddie trying to insist that being the guy known for doing the voices or doing celebrity impressions, didn’t really count as acting.
Like okay sure fine, but nobody ever told Daniel Day-Lewis that his Abe Lincoln impression didn’t count as acting, but okay .
“I mean can you imagine being married to that guy who was in Sausage Party,” Eddie’s mostly teasing.
“Okay, so a lot of people were in Sausage Party,” Richie points out. “So my marriage options are pretty open, I mean, would I want to marry Michael Cera, no? But Seth Rogan is also in there and if he wanted a threesome, well-”
“Beep fucking beep.”
“Also I’ve been in other things!”
“I’m aware,” Eddie says, looking away from his phone to shoot Richie a look of disgust. “None of them have been good.”
“Baby, I’m inside you every night,” Richie says, “And trust me, you’re plenty good.
Eddie tosses a pillow at him instead of replying.
Which Richie totally deserves, but he still pouts at Eddie in return, adopting a faux hurt voice - “I’m being bullied.
“Don’t be a little bitch.”
There are three things that Richie is most well known for as far as Hollywood is concerned.
The first being his breakdown following Mike’s call, which even now despite having told people what happened (or their modified public safe version) still gets disapproval and the strong implication from the press that it was probably a drugs thing.
The second being his two brief episode tenure as a junior cast member of SNL, before fucking all of that up, and then coming back over ten years later to win an Emmy for guest starring on SNL.
And the third, and perhaps most important moment of his career, his ever eloquent ‘im gay lol ’ tweet.
Everyone always forgets what Richie personally believes is his crowning achievement - “I really think the fact that you’re not acknowledging my best role playing the evil pig in the Angry Birds movie is homophobic.”
Eddie kinda looks like he wants to stage a die in.
His face all red and embarrassed, and there’s a story there, Richie just knows what with the way Eddie won’t even seem to look at him now. Staring down at his phone with determination even as his ears turn red.
“It’s just, fuck, these are the things that come up when people google you, and when people google me, you’re the first result that comes up,” Eddie mumbles, “And hypothetically someday some future client is google me and be like oh that’s the guy that takes it up the ass from the slug in Monsters Inc .”
They’re going to talk about this later. Have some emotional talk about insecurities, and how this situation doesn’t sound very hypothetical at all, and how hypothetically speaking Richie isn’t afraid to punch people in the face, and all that jazz.
But right now, all Richie does is lean forward and take the phone from Eddie’s hands, sliding up into his space, arms draped over Eddie’s shoulders so their faces are mere inches apart, and say, “Technically that was Monsters University.”
“God, you’re the worst ,” Eddie says, but it’s fond, and now the blush on his face means something entirely different.
“I’m your worst baby.”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” Eddie tells him.
But Richie kisses him until he forgets to complain anymore.
Edward Kaspbrak @EKaspbrak Looking for recommendations for good divorce lawyers. @trashmouth did the fucking Angry Birds voice in bed, and legally I don’t have to put up with this.
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @EKaspbrak not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth apparently my filmography is ‘not good sex material’ which is also somehow homophobic
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth in my opinion all of my roles are VERY SEXY and 100% spank bank material
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth if you can’t rub one out to cloudy with a chance of meatballs why are we even friends
Mike @MikeHanlon Do you ever just long on twitter and then instantly want to log back off?
Ben Hanscom ✓ @ArchHanscom @MikeHanlon Yes
bev marsh ✓ @MARSH @MikeHanlon yes x2
“I used to watch all your shitty movies,” Eddie confesses one night while making dinner, a little tipsy from the bottle of wine that they’ve been splitting, while Eddie went through the latest attempt to recreate whatever he found on pinterest.
Neither of them are good at cooking, but there is only so many times that they could order in food before their delivery person gets a bit too friends, and really there was something so domestic about cooking their own meals together.
Even if it was mostly Eddie cooking and Richie keeping their wine glasses full.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“Wait, really, even Sausage Party?”
“No, not fucking-” Eddie shakes his head. “It was before I could remember who you were, but I might have had this thing for you, briefly, not really a serious thing, but I watched a few of those terrible movies that you were in, and I watched your specials....”
The other Losers had talked about this before, a familiarity that drew Bev and Ben in as well. Not knowing why they enjoyed watching Richie’s comedy specials or Bill’s movies so much, not knowing why they related to it all. Now it all made sense, being famous getting a bit in the way of the whole amnesia curse.
“You had a crush on me,” Richie coos, “That’s so embarrassing.”
“We’re married. You do remember that, right?”
BEV: make it stop
BEV: whatever one of you did to make richie sad better apologize or else
EDDIE: It wasn’t me this time!
BILL: But I don’t want to.
BEV: [knife emoji]
“You got a script.”
“I got a- What? For what?”
Richie’s agent just sighs. A long suffering and familiar sigh. Which given the amount of shit that Richie has put him through over the last few years, is well deserved.
“Bill Denbrough’s new movie? Apparently, you’re playing some guy that gets killed off in the first five minutes of the movie. Not that anybody tells me when they’re auditioning for anything, which you know, would be nice since I’m trying to set up your next tour and I am your agent but-”
“-His people dropped off the script this morning.”
Richie hangs up before hearing the rest, because he has another very important call to make.
Also, later he probably needs to give his agent a raise.
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth i take back every mean thing ive ever said about @BillDenbrough