Chapter 1: Hell
"Please don't go. I- I love you. I love you. Please don't leave"
Her words replayed over and over in his mind. His eyes glowing red with fire as the anger boiled inside of him. She loved him. That was all he had wanted for so long and he hadn't even realised it. Until it was too BLOODY late. He didn't want to leave. Oh, fuck he just wanted to stay with her, take her in his arms and just hold her. Tell her everything was going to be okay and that he would stay and they'd fight together. That's all he bloody wanted. But no, Dear-old-dad is always there to make his life MISERABLE. Making stupid prophecies so he can't have the one and only thing he ever truly desired. She chose him. Finally after all this time she did. But he had to get up and fucking leave her. To protect her. Bullshit, something inside of him said, bull-fucking-shit, you did this because you always do. You get close and then you leave. You leave because you don't deserve her, you're a monster. "NO! HAVEN'T I BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH? DA-AD? COME ON. AFTER EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED. I HAVE FACED PUNISHMENT ENOUGH, DON'T YOU THINK?" He screamed sitting on his throne as ash fell from the sky ruining his otherwise pristine suit. His eyes remained raging with red flames, growing darker by the second. His anger only increasing.
"My Lord?" Dromos said from below.
"GO AWAY, DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME YOU– YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME," Lucifer screamed at the demon.
"But my Lord, this is your home."
"This, this is not my home. NOW GO!" Lucifer said seething with anger. The demon scurried off.
Lucifer was furious. Furious with the world. If anyone were to show up now he was sure he would punch them so hard they would forget they ever existed. Lucifer really hoped God would show up. He'd love to give that bastard a piece of his mind. Oh, how Lucifer wished this place, this Hell, had decent liquor. At least then he could drink his pain away. What had he done to get himself here? Was it really that bad? Of course, it was. Monster. You know you deserve this. After everything. The voice continued to torment him.
Lucifer cried. He actually cried, his eyes were red, not just the irises but around his eyes were pink and swollen from tears. His pain clearly showing on his face. His hair was dishevelled and his eyes showed no mercy only anger and pain. He punched his throne repeatedly. Over and over till his hand was bloody and raw. He deserved to be punished. He deserved to feel all the pain he could get.
Lucifer removed himself from his throne and began to stumble aimlessly around the cells. He stopped when he heard the piano.
"You see, we were wrong about something else in the prophecy. My first love was never Eve. It was you, Chloe. It always has been."
Chloe crumbled to the balcony floor unable to repress her heavy tears. She stared out into the sky. He was gone. He left her. After everything. He left. She was not okay and she wasn't sure if she ever would be again. She stumbled away from the balcony and towards the bar taking what ever alcohol she could find. Chugging it, she collapsed once again to the floor. What the Hell am I doing? Lucifer is gone. This isn't going to solve a bloody thing. Chloe thought, chugging more alcohol. Hoping it would just take away her sorrows, bring him back somehow.
Chloe awoke to the sound of her phone vibrating on the cold hard floor she lay on. A bottle of vodka remained in her hand. Where am I? she thought, her heart breaking as she began to remember the previous night. She picked up her phone to see Ella calling her. Not yet, she thought, please, just not yet. She somehow picked herself off the floor and picked up her phone. Wiping a tear away she answered.
"Deck- Decker," She spoke, her voice breaking.
"Chloe you okay? Where are you it's 11 am and we have a case. And man this is a juicy one, you're gonna want to come down to the precinct," Ella said in her usual cheery mood. "Chloe?" She asked when silence had followed her message.
"Yeah, yeah okay I'll be there just give me a minute and I'll be there."
Chloe's head ached as the hangover kicked in. She stood up and walked to Lucifer's bedroom. Pools of water began to form in her eyes once more. No, this is not you Decker, pull yourself together you have a job. Chloe looked around his room and found what she assumed to be his dirty pile of clothes. She picked up his white shirt. It smelled like him. Tears once again fell from her eyes as she realised this is all she had left of him. She took off her alcohol stained top and replaced it with his.
She made a pit-stop at her house and grabbed her shades and the necklace, then she carried on to the precinct, trying to restrict herself from thinking of him and breaking down.
"Ella?" Chloe said walking into the lab. "What have you got for us?"
"New case, a bunch of people found dead at the Mayan. Hey girl, nice shades, wait we had a talk about this!" Ella reached out and pulled her friend's glasses off to reveal puffy red eyes. "Hey, you okay? Where's Lucifer?"
The questions caught Chloe off guard and she didn't have time to prepare a lie. "He went back to Hell. There is a lot of things that you don't know Ella. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet okay?"
"LUCIFER'S DEAD?" Ella nearly screamed
"What? No, he's– he's really the Devil, Ella. You have to believe me."
"It's okay Chlo, I got your back, do you need to go home?"
"No, no, I need to be here, what's the case. Wait wait wait, DID YOU SAY THE MAYAN."
Shit. Chloe thought to herself. How was she going to explain this?
The music rang in his ears and he stopped. He stood there for a while just listening to his Hell loop play. Reminding him of the last time he was here. For her. Saving her. Always. He was reminded again of all that he had lost because of his decision to leave Hell. Decision. A decision implies options, implies he had a choice. But did he really have a choice?
Was this all part of the plan? The plan to send him back to Hell from the beginning. Maybe if I had just left when Amenadiel told me. Then nobody would have got hurt. I wouldn't be hurting. More importantly, I wouldn't have hurt Chloe. Bargaining. He was in the third stage of grief. Well, not quite.
Fire suddenly erupted in Lucifer's eyes. He stood staring at the door in front of him. The door to his own personal Hell. His mind screamed for him to enter, to face the punishment he so properly deserved. Monster! It screamed. His bloodied hand reached for the doorknob. Do it! The voice echoed in his mind. It's all your fault.
"No..." Lucifer mumbled under his breath.
"Master? What are you doing?" A demon said appearing next to him.
Lucifer turned towards the demon, the fire seething in his eyes. Lucifer reached his hand towards the demon, grasping his neck he threw the demon into the door, denting it.
"This is all your fault," He spat at the demon.
An overwhelming rage swept over him, engulfing him. He picked up the demon by the neck once more and threw him. He threw him as hard as he could, watching as Squee practically flew before smashing straight into the throne which stuck out from the ground. Thwack. Squee lay on the floor below the throne completely unconscious, thick red goo coming from the wound on his head.
Lucifer stood stationary. Just watching in horror of his action. He realised he had transformed into his devilish self, he was the monster in his head. Suddenly Lucifer crumbled to the floor. Transforming back into his normal self. His human form. Tears once again returning to his face. He screamed. He screamed and he screamed until his voice was hoarse.
"I'm so sorry Chloe," He whispered turning back to the door.
He had already twisted the handle and stepped inside the cell before he even had a chance to contemplate his decision. He was too busy thinking about her and leaving her, focusing on how bad he is for leaving. He closed his eyes. I deserve this. The voice echoed in his mind. He opened them. The view before him was the same as before, except, it wasn't. Yes, he was standing in his penthouse, the piano before him, but Uriel was no longer there. She was. Lucifer was taken aback by the Detective. He ran up to the balcony where she stood and picked her up in his arms. His mind refused to believe he was in a Hell loop. She was there. It didn't matter what the circumstances. But, of course, it was Hell, it was punishment, and he wouldn't be able to change that.
Before he could even react he found himself being pulled away from her. Her eyes red and he could almost see her heart breaking as he fell. NO. He wanted to stay, she was here. NO NO NO. He didn't want to leave her there. He broke her. He cried. You deserve this you monster. Look at what you did to her. Lucifer's heart broke once again.
He blinked and when he opened his eyes he was back, watching her cry and break over him leaving. He couldn't take it. He blinked again. This time he awoke in a small cell. Chloe leaning over him. Except it wasn't Chloe, it was a demon. Appearing in his guilt controlled Hell loop as Chloe. The demon beat him. Whipping him until there was nothing but scars on his back no bare skin to be seen. His suit was torn all over and covered in thick scarlet blood. Lucifer didn't even try to stop the demon. He accepted his fate. You deserve this. You hurt the woman you love. This is all your fault. Lucifer cried as Chloe continued to hurt him. NO. Lucifer thought. NO. This is not MY fault. Lucifer's eyes regained the red glow. With much effort, his broken body stood up punched the demon in the face. "Fuck you!" He screamed at the demon as he picked them up once again and with his full force slammed them into the wall of the cell, crack. "Fuck you."
He went to the door of his cell and stopped momentarily. It's not my fault. He repeated to himself. It's not my fault. But the monster inside him was still there. Still controlling half of his movements. He hadn't meant to kill the demons. Yes, you did. You're a monster. You know that. And monsters like to kill things. "No, no. I did it for her. I did it for her," He mumbled unsure if he was even telling the truth or just giving himself an excuse, lying to himself. He closed the cell behind him and didn't look back.
The monster inside him seethed.
"Hey, Ella, I need to go see someone okay? I'll meet you at the Mayan yeah?"
"Yeah sure Chlo, see you girl."
Chloe raced out of the precinct and drove to Linda and Amenadiel's home. She reckoned Lucifer would have told his brother that he was leaving and she was right.
"Lucifer told me, about what he was going to have to do..." Amenadiel said walking towards Chloe with a sympathetic look on his face.
"Yeah, well I'm not here for pity actually, and well I'm trying to distract myself about that whole leaving thing, or well I break down..." Chloe said tears already pooling at her eyes from the bare mention of his name. "I'm actually here about- well I'm here about the demons and well, the bodies... See, my new case is figuring out why a whole load of bodies turned up at the Mayan and I have no idea what to do. I can't really go around telling everybody that demons did this. I'd end up in a bloody mental asylum." Chloe said attempting a chuckle.
"Ah..." Amenadiel said trying to figure a way out of this mess. "Well, there really isn't much you can do. You're a detective. Why don't you just figure it out?"
"What do you mean? I can't just investigate, I know what happened!"
"Yes, but nobody else does, just investigate, solve the case Detective."
Chloe shuddered at the name. Detective. That was his nickname. Only his."Hmm, I guess that's possible." Chloe walked away scratching her head and headed for the door. She had come here for some clarity, some help on the case but her visit had just left her with more on her mind and she missed him even more.
"Chloe..." Amenadiel said just before she reached the door.
"If there's anything I can do for you, anything at all to help, just let me know okay? I know you must be hurting."
"Thanks, yeah, actually there is something, just can he, you know, hear us? Prayers and all that?"
"Well of course!" Amenadiel almost seemed shocked by the question. "Chloe, now that you know the truth you really need to think about everything that had happened. I'm sure you've seen all the times Lucifer has been praying to call me."
"Oh yeah.." Chloe said, walking outside. She would send a prayer tonight.
Hope you guys are enjoying the story so far, let me know what you think or if you have any ideas!
He thought he was okay. He thought that the monster inside had subsided. He thought that he was going to get out. Get home. But the monster inside him was still there. Lurking in the depths of his mind. Waiting to pounce. It watched his every move, felt his every emotion, waiting to take over, and attack. He was predictable. He grieved. He cried. He screamed as he walked. Walked and walked away from everything, away from the hell he had created for himself. Every so often he would crumble to the floor and cry. The monster would keep watching.
He didn't fully understand his emotions. After all, that was why he had Linda. He wished Linda were here to help him. No. He thought. No, she does not deserve Hell. The more he thought about his life on earth the more he broke down, the more the skin around his eyes went red as if he was transforming into his devil self. But he wasn't. He was hurting. He was hurting because his heart was broken. Not just for Chloe, but for his friends, the ones he had to leave behind. Linda, Maze, Amenadiel, Trixie. Although he would never admit it, that little creature meant so much to him.
He continued to cry.
He didn't understand. He didn't understand why he was feeling all these godawful emotions. He didn't understand how broken he felt. He didn't understand why part of him felt as though it was missing. All he knew was he needed to go back. Go home.
And then he did something that was truly unpredictable. Something even the monster in his head was shocked by. He smiled. He smiled in the way he had smiled when he found out Pierce could die. He smiled in the way he had smiled when he was hurting; when he was about to hurt someone else.
A murderous glint shined in his eye. The monster inside him was no longer watching, it began one with him, its move was his move. They were in sync.
Lucifer stood up, his heartfelt emotions vanishing and replaced by joy, by truly horrifying, psychotic joy. He felt the urge to kill. To let all the emotions he had shoved off out, once and for all so that he could return to the devil that he was. Be the evil monster he truly was.
He walked, quickly now, death in his eyes. Every demon he saw he killed. Squeezing the life out of every single one. Watching as the life drained out of their eyes and everything went black. He watched, almost laughing, enjoying it, well that's what he thought. But it was just him, doing what he always did, repressing his emotions, avoiding them by doing something stupid and reckless. But he didn't see it, the monster had taken over and he didn't care anymore, he let it. With every demon he obliterated from existence, the monster grew stronger. With every beautiful murder, the glint in his eyes shined brighter.
But of course, this would never last. This wasn't him.
It stopped when he was walking around, looking for more demons, and he walked past his cell. Once more he heard the piano play their, song. He froze where he was. Suddenly he heard a noise in his brain. It pierced through his ears nearly making him fall to the ground in pain. Hey. The voice said, echoing in his mind. I know this is crazy, but Amenadiel said angels could hear prayers. The voice chuckled. It was her. The murderous glint disappeared from his eyes and the emotion came flooding back. I just wanted to say that we all miss you, Trixie keeps asking when you'll be home. Here, with us. I- I just really miss you Lucifer. The monster inside him tried to ignore the prayer. It tried to suppress his emotions once more and kill, and torture. This is who you are. The monster raged. But Lucifer fought the monster, begging it to leave him alone. Begging it to leave him, forcing it out of his mind. He thought of Chloe, beautiful Chloe. He thought about everything he had lost and once again he broke and crumbled to the floor. I really want you to come home. Please come home. And then the piercing noise stopped. He didn't want it to stop. He wanted to hear her voice. He begged to hear her voice again.
He would hear her voice again.
This time would be different. He promised. This time he would go home, to the woman he loved.
"Hey," Chloe spoke. "I know this is crazy, but Amenadiel said angels could hear prayers." She chuckled sadly to herself. She wanted him here, not praying to him in her room alone in the dark, trying not to cry. "I just wanted to say that we all miss you, Trixie keeps asking when you'll be home. Here, with us." She smiled, thinking of all the times that Trixie had tried to hug Lucifer and he would be so alarmed and confused, but in his eyes was love. She knew he loved Trixie. A teardrop slid down her face. "I- I just really miss you Lucifer." She closed her eyes as more tears began to pool at her eyes. "I really want you to come home. Please come home." She whispered, tears streaking down her face and this time she didn't try to stop them. She missed him so badly. She missed how annoying he was and how often he made her laugh. She wanted him to come home. She could finally be with him, the man she loved so, so much.
"Mummy? Is everything okay?" Trixie said appearing at her the door to her mother's bedroom.
"Yeah monkey, everything's okay," She said wiping the tears from her face.
"I miss him too," The little child said hopping onto the bed her mother was sitting on.
"I know you do baby. I just wish he'd come back. And I know he went for a very good reason, to protect us, but I just really want him to come home."
"Me too, but he will right mummy?"
"I don't know monkey, I hope so."
"We should go get him!" Trixie said excitedly. "We could ask his brother Amena-something!"
"You know what baby? That's a really good idea. I'll go see him in the morning, but right now monkey, aren't you supposed to be in bed?" Chloe smiled picking her daughter up and carrying her back to her room as the child squealed playfully.
"Can you tell me a story mummy?" Trixie said when her mother had finally tucked her in.
"Hmm, what story where you thinking Trix?"
"I wanna know about Lucifer and Hell and- and the angels and stuff!" Trixie said smiling. "Please mummy?"
"I'll tell you what baby, when we get Lucifer back, I'm sure he can tell you all about it, okay?" Chloe said as a sorrowful smile appeared on her face as she thought about how much both she and Trixie missed that handsome devil.
"Okay mummy, goodnight!" The little girl said, never losing the precious smile on her face.
"Goodnight hun," Chloe said switching off her daughter's nightlight and leaving the room.
When Trixie thought her mother was out of earshot, she started whispering to herself, praying to Lucifer. "Lucifer, I really miss you and me and mummy want you to come home. You made her really sad because you left and I don't like mummy being sad. I'm also sad. Please come back so that me and Maze can kick your butt!" The girl giggled.
Chloe, who had been standing outside, cried. She had a smile on her face but tears just wouldn't stop running from her eyes. She missed him so bloody much.
Thanks for reading, new chapter will be of soon please comment and tell me what you think or if you have any ideas x
Lucifer's face was a wet mess by the time he made up a decision as to what he should do. His dark hair was nowhere near as neat as he usually kept it. His whole attire was not to the same level of tidiness he had ordinarily maintained. The new suit he had only just put on to replace the one that had been torn all over from his beating, was already soaked red in his blood from the terrible scars that lined his back.
He still remained, sitting by his cell, listening to the sound of their song echoing off the walls. He no longer cared that hell had made every note off-key. He just sat, tears silently falling from his eyes, and he listened, and he remembered, all other their good times.
And so he prayed. He prayed to God. He prayed to his father. Something he never thought he would be doing again. And yet again, it was for her. It was always for her. Everything he did came from a place of love for her. And so he cried, and he begged to be forgiven, he begged to go home, he would do anything he screamed. And nothing changed. And so he cried and cried and he screamed his heart out until his voice was hoarse and the tears resided. And lay down on the cold floor and let himself break down.
And then he awoke, from a sleep he didn't realise he was in. And he felt a hand upon his shoulder. And it wasn't someone he had expected at all.
"Mum?" He whimpered.
"Yes my darling boy, I'm here," His mother responded.
"How?" He croaked, his voice faltering.
"I heard you calling."
Lucifer was baffled by this, he could have sworn he had prayed to his father.
"What- What are you d- doing here?"
"I'm going to take your place, my sweet boy. Go to her Lucifer."
Lucifer only nodded. He pushed himself off the floor and stood for a moment, staring at his mother.
"How do I get home?" Lucifer questioned.
"Well, you fly my dear."
"I– I don't know if- if they'll still be there," Lucifer whispered. "I don't want to check, and- and I don't even know if I have the energy," he added, gesturing towards his scarred back.
"Call your brother, I'm sure he'd come for you." The goddess replied softly.
"I've been down here for 5 years, mother. I doubt he would concern himself with me." Lucifer sobbed.
"My darling boy, don't you remember, time works much differently down here. Call for him, son."
And so Lucifer did as he was asked, mostly because he had no other choice at this point. It didn't take long, his brother came at once.
"Mother? What are you doing here?" Amenadiel exclaimed.
"I am taking over for my son. He needs to go back to earth and you must take him."
Amenadiel had the same response as Lucifer; he just nodded and lifted Lucifer up. Lucifer was in a much too weak state to complain. He groaned slightly, before once again he fell asleep, and was carried like a baby in the arms of an angel, all the way home.
When he woke, he was in his bed at the penthouse, the silk sheets pulled carefully over him. His brother sat next to him, watching over him like a guardian angel.
"Good morning brother," Amenadiel said as he noticed Lucifer's eyes fluttering open.
"Chloe..." Lucifer murmured.
"Luci you can go see her shortly, I just need to make sure you are alright. Your back is a mess, and the area around your eyes is bright red. Luci, what happened?" Amenadiel responded.
"Chloe..." Lucifer whimpered. "I need to see Chloe. Please." Lucifer practically begged.
Amenadiel nodded. He walked away and seated himself on the red leather couch to let Lucifer sort himself out.
The devil got out of bed as fast as his broken body would let him. His bed had stained red in several places where his scabs had broken off. He slowly made his way to his shower. His mind still not fully aware that he was home. He was actually home.
The hot shower water attacked his back with excruciating pain and Lucifer almost screamed twice, he would have if not for his brother being in the room next door. He did not need Amenadiel being concerned for him. When Lucifer had finally finished showering he watched the red water drain down, his back seemed to never have a chance to heal.
"Amenadiel!" He croaked when he had managed to put on his suit trousers.
"There's a medkit in the safe, can you get it? The code's 24563."
Amenadiel nodded and made himself to Lucifer's bedroom. He smirked whilst typing in the pin and seeing the associated letters to the numbers.
"Here you go, Luci," Amenadiel said entering the bathroom again.
"Thank you, now I need help bandaging up my back please."
When they had finished patching up his scarred back, Lucifer practically lept out of the bathroom and ran down to the elevator. He was in such a rush to see his Detective he almost forgot to put a shirt on.
"What day is it?" Lucifer asked his brother as we left.
Lucifer smiled. Chloe would be at home which made finding her and talking to her a lot easier. Lucifer was still quite a mess. Besides his back, his eyes were still red and swollen and his voice was still croaky, and his hair was falling all over his face. The only thing that stopped him looking like Hell was his impeccable fashion sense.
Lucifer hopped into the corvette and raced, well over the speed limit – as always – to the detective's apartment. When he arrived he was about to open the door and let himself in when he remembered that he still had no idea how long he had been away. So instead he refrained from doing so; he knocked.
"Coming!" He heard the detective yell from inside.
The door opened.
He couldn't believe his eyes. The miracle that was before him. "Chloe," He choked.
Chloe couldn't believe it. It was him. At the door. He was home. "Lucifer..." Chloe breathed his name in shock. Was this... real? He looked a mess.
Chloe couldn't help herself, she lept onto him and hugged him. Tears began to form at her eyes.
Lucifer winced as pain engulfed his back from her hug, but he let her hug him anyway. It hurt, but it was worth it because she was worth it. He kissed the top of her forehead and they held each other in silence. Both of them had silent tears falling from their face. Tears of joy.
"You're home," Chloe whispered, breaking the hug.
"I'm home," Lucifer repeated, smiling into the detective's beautiful blue eyes.
"Mummmm, who is at the door?" A little girl yelled entering the room. Trixie looked up and her face immediately lit up. "Lucifer! Lucifer! Lucifer! You're home!" The girl screeched, jumping into Lucifer's arms. He didn't stop her, he hugged her back.
"I missed you," He whispered to the girl.
Chloe stood and watched. Her heart melted at the sight of Lucifer hugging her little girl, but she couldn't help but worry. Lucifer didn't hug children. Lucifer didn't leave the house a mess like he was now.
"Hey monkey, can you give Lucifer and I a moment please?" Chloe asked Trixie.
"Okay mummy," Trixie replied, jumping off Lucifer and walking back to her bedroom.
When the girl was out of earshot Chloe turned back to face Lucifer. "Are you okay? What happened? How are you here?"
"I'm okay now because you're here. My mother came and she offered to take charge of Hell. I can tell you the details later okay? I just need to be with you." Lucifer smiled. "You haven't found a new guy yet have you?" He added quickly.
"It's only been five days! And nobody could ever replace you Lucifer."
Lucifer seemed shocked, and Chloe could swear she saw him mouth only five days. "Lucifer?"
"How long were you in Hell?"
"Hm? Oh, um five– five years."
"Oh my–, Lucifer!" The detective began to cry some more and she wrapped her arms around him again.
"I'm sorry Detective, I didn't mean to upset you."
"No, no, it's okay." Chloe smiled at him. "Oh my god, Lucifer! Your shirt is red! You're bleeding."
Chloe practically ripped of Lucifer's shirt, only briefly stopping to stare at his torso. Okay damn, he still had pretty fine abs. Chloe shook herself out of her gaze and turned Lucifer around. His entire back was covered in plasters, all soaked red.
"Lucifer, what happened?"
"Ah well, when you all viciously hugged me, I think some of my scabs were ripped off."
"Lucifer, how did you get these scars?" Chloe asked, pulling Lucifer down to the couch.
They sat on Chloe's sofa for a moment before Lucifer spoke. He told her everything. He told her how he had a breakdown every 5 minutes and went into his Hell loop and was punished by the demons. He told her how we went mildly insane and went on a killing spree. And then he told her how his mother came and took his place and Amenadiel flew him home.
When they had finished talking about Hell, Lucifer looked the detective in the eyes and smiled warmly.
"I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Chloe."
"I love you too, Lucifer."
"Do you think we should invite the little urchin back?"
"Mm, in a moment. I want you all to myself for now." Chloe smiled, resting her head on his lap. Lucifer laughed happily, for the first time in five years. She held his hand whilst with his other hand he played with her hair. He was happy. Truly. And then Lucifer made a decision.
He stood up and moved his shoulders to open his wings. But they didn't come out.
You're a monster. Said the voice in his head.
And then Lucifer cried again, falling to the ground. Chloe lept off the couch to comfort him. "Hey, hey, you're okay Lucifer, I've got you." She said taking his hand.
Hi guys, hope you are enjoying this story!
The day he had his breakdown Lucifer had spent the night. He had stayed on the Detective's couch, snuggling with Miss Alien which Trixie had let him borrow. And in the night he screamed and screamed and the girls had all woken up. And they went to see him lying on the couch. His eyes remained puffy and his face was covered salty tears. The girls sat with him for a while. Chloe held his hand and brushed her fingers through his hair, whilst Beatrice snuggled up with him and he let her.
"'m sorry," Lucifer mumbled through his sobs. "Didn't mean 'o wake you."
"It's okay Lucifer! We love you," said the little girl who had now replaced Miss Alien in Lucifer's arms. Chloe smiled at her child but pools of tears had gathered at her eyes.
"Yeah," The Detective smiled warmly, "We love you." And then they all fell asleep together.
But in the morning when she awoke on the chair she had placed by the couch to watch her love, she saw her daughter covered in blankets on the sofa as she'd left her, but Lucifer was nowhere to be seen.
And so Chloe went to the Penthouse to check up on the Devil that she loved, and found him once again crying on the marble floor, a bottle of liquor in hand. And she stayed with him then, holding him until his tears faded and he relaxed into her arms.
"'m sorry," Lucifer said.
"You have nothing to be sorry for Lucifer."
"You– You should go Dete'tive," He cried as she continued to hold him tight. "I'm a monster," He whispered.
The next day Lucifer visited Linda. He knew he needed help.
"Linda!" He exclaimed walking into the doctor's office and pushing out the poor chap who had been in the middle of a session.
"Lucifer? What– What are you doing here? Amenadiel informed me of your return, but I didn't really believe it, you were gone for only 5 days," Linda rambled before leaping from her chair to give Lucifer a hug which he actually returned.
"I– Well– It was five years actually for me. And uh- yeah I need to talk to you."
"I've been having nightmares. I did a lot of– well, a lot of terrible things, I feel like a monster, I am a monster. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know why I feel so– so guilty. I don't know why I feel so... bad"
"Lucifer, you left the first woman you have ever truly cared about to go to a – what I can only imagine to be – truly awful place. You sacrificed what you desired for the people you love, to protect them. It's only natural for you to feel guilty when you know that they were saddened – hurt even – by your leaving."
"My wings are gone."
"I know what I do, I do to myself, I– I'm a monster Doctor. I have hurt so many people, I hurt the people I care about, I've killed so many demons... FOR NO FUCKING REASON. I don't even know why. I was so hurt. I don't– I don't know what to do."
"Well, it's understandable that you were hurting, that you are hurting. You went back to the place, you hated. You were hurting, you lashed out, it's understandable."
"I enjoyed it. What kind of monster– what kind of monster am I if I enjoyed hurting them, watching their life drain out, when they didn't do anything," Lucifer struggled to keep the tears falling from his face.
"You believed they were the reason you were there, did you not?"
"I– I– Yes. They made me leave Chloe. They- They deserved to be punished for that."
"Lucifer, what you did may not have been the best way to go about things, but you had your reasons, you aren't a monster, you were trying to protect her even in Hell, even if it was subconscious, you just wanted her to be safe."
"I– Yeah, but, but I keep having dreams... nightmares, of Hell, of me, being a monster."
"What you're suffering from his most likely PTSD. You went through a very traumatic experience Lucifer."
"Lucifer, why do you really think your wings are gone?"
"I– I told you, I'm a monster, I hurt people."
"You did it to protect them."
"I– I could have stayed. I–" Lucifer didn't continue.
"What do you mean, Lucifer," Linda urged.
"I didn't need to leave. If the demons came we could have stopped them. I could have had Amenadiel ask my siblings or my father, or we could have fought again. We beat them once, we could have done it over and over again. – I didn't leave because of the demons. I left because–"
"Because of what, Lucifer?"
"I needed to protect the Detective. From me."
"Why?" Linda continued, even her eyes were now watering.
"Because– I am evil. I tried to forgive myself, I did, but–"
"But it's not that easy." Linda finished.
"It is not," Lucifer confirmed. "I love her, Doctor."
"I don't want to hurt her."
"Why do you think you will?"
"Because I hurt everyone."
"No, you don't. And I don't think that's what you believe."
"I don't deserve her."
"What about how she feels?" Linda questioned.
"What do you mean?"
"You say you don't deserve her. She wants you Lucifer, haven't you ever thought about that? She wants you."
A few days after Lucifer had his several breakdowns, he went to the Detective's apartment with gifts in hand, and he knocked at the door.
"Lucifer!" Trixie screamed opening the door and immediately jumping onto Lucifer.
"Careful spawn!" Lucifer cried out. "Here, I have some chocolate cake for you if you can leave me alone with your mother," he said offering the cake that he had been holding behind his back. The little girl smiled and ran away with the cake into her room. The Detective lay on the couch and looked up as Lucifer entered the room.
"Hey," Chloe smiled.
"I brought you gifts," Lucifer said lifting up a bouquet of flowers and a small bag as proof. "I'm sorry for the other day, but I'm okay now," Lucifer said. The Devil doesn't lie to other people, but he sure as Hell, lies to himself. He was not okay, not even close.
The Detective took the roses and looked up into Lucifer's eyes.
"Thank you, Lucifer, but you didn't need to apologise. I'm here for you, always okay?"
"Okay." Lucifer extended his arm which held the small bag, "For later," The Devil smirked and Chloe's face paled, she knew that smirk... What was he up to?
And so she opened the bag slowly and pulled out the contents. Red silk lingerie. Of course. The Detective glared at Lucifer. Her heart was racing and she couldn't help but smile. She didn't let Lucifer see that though.
"Well, I thought that we may have some duties to attend to, seeing as we never had the chance before..." Lucifer smirked again.
The Detective looked up at him, she really looked at him now, although Lucifer kept up his remarks, he seemed off. He said the same words but his voice quivered. His classic smirk plastered on his face seemed normal, but his eyes held sadness and she could see the pain that lingered on his face. She noticed then how when he thought she wasn't looking his smile would quickly disappear. He never retained eye contact for more than a few seconds. And then there was his suit that was amazing to the common people, but if you looked hard enough like she did, you could see the slight deviations in his look. His pocket square was not perfectly neat like normal, his cuffs were not straightened. This was not Lucifer.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Chloe asked him softly. Lucifer averted his gaze from the detective almost immediately.
"Mm, probably. Anyways, where were we?" Lucifer asked trying to avert the conversation.
Chloe lifted her hand and grabbed Lucifer's. "Lucifer, talk to me."
"Mm, just some nightmares and possible PTSD from my half a decade in literal Hell, just the usual, nothing to worry 'bout Detective," Lucifer shrugged.
She didn't want to push him into talking if he didn't want to, but she wanted to help. "Please?" She said smiling at him softly. "I just want to help you."
"I- I don't think you really want to know everything, Chloe."
"I want to be with you, Lucifer, and in order for this to work we have to trust each other, be open with each other."
As always comments and kudos are appreciated x
Chapter 6: Sorry Doesn't Cut It
Sorry for the extremely late update, I've been working on a different project. Anyways hope you enjoy. Kudos and comments, as always, are appreciated.
They sat in silence for a while. Lucifer sat next to Chloe staring off into nowhere. She didn't want to push him so she said nothing, and he continued to stare, far, far away into the distance of the depths of his mind. And his eyes seemed so hollow, so lost in thought, in memories? And she watched him, carefully, lovingly, letting him take his own time, allowing him to know he had no pressure to say anything.
"I'm falling," He began.
"My nightmares." He affirmed. "I'm falling."
He nodded, never looking at her, continuing to be stuck in a sort of trance.
"My wings, they just left me, and I fell, and fell... And it was painful. To come to a realisation that your family doesn't want you. Doesn't love you. And I keep falling. And I kept thinking, why? And I kept thinking, maybe, maybe this is one of my siblings, doing what they always do, hurting me, laughing at me... maybe this is just a joke and I'll hit the clouds any minute now... but– but I knew this time was going to be different..." Lucifer said, his voice quiet and distant.
Chloe could almost feel his pain. "Hey, it's okay, we don't have to talk about this now."
"Nobody was going to catch me." He whispered. "Nobody ever does."
"I'll catch you. I promise." Lucifer shut his eyes and bit his bottom lip, trying to steady himself. Thinking. Remembering.
Chloe leaned forward to place a hand on his cheek. To hold him, show him that she has his back, that she will be there for him.
He swallowed. But you won't be here forever. And the tears began trickling down his face.
"Hey, hey, Lucifer... you're okay, you've got me, you've got all your friends," Chloe said hugging him tightly, wiping the tears from his face.
"You're all going to leave Chloe, eventually. And then I'll be all alone again, for the rest of eternity," He whispered.
"Well, you have me now."
You don't understand, he wanted to scream. Instead, Lucifer stared at her for a moment and smiled. He wanted it all to be true, for him to say everything was good. But he couldn't. The devil never lies.
"My wings are gone. That means I'm a monster. Chloe, I'm a monster."
"No, you're not." She says, her hands cupping the side of his face. "Not to me."
He takes a deep breath and he tells himself over and over again that he couldn't have changed it. He had to go. But he doesn't really believe that. He knows, deep down, they could have fought. They'd done it before, over and over, and seemed that they always came out victorious. They had fought the demons once, why could they not again? when Uriel threatened Chloe, he had been dealt with, so why could it not be done again?
And he knew in his heart that it wasn't the demons that made him have to leave. It wasn't the threat that they had posed. No. He hated this place and the despair that comes with it. He hated this place and the way it broke you, bit by bit until you couldn't recognise the monster you saw in the mirror. The monster you truly are.
And he left for her.
He left to protect her.
Because he found himself believing, he was the threat.
"I'm sorry I left." He mumbles slowly under his breath. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"It's okay, you had to go. At least you're back now."
Lucifer closed his eyes for a moment. "I think I may have been wrong about the real reason I left."
Chloe looked at him strangely. "What do you mean."
"We could have fought again. Probably. I think I left to protect you, not from the threat of the demons, but because of the threat of me," He breathed solemnly.
Chloe could feel the tears building up in her eyes. "You did what?" She said, her voice cracking.
"I know that I am poison to anyone who dares to care about me. I know I ruin everything. I know I hurt others constantly with my reckless and immature behaviour. I tormented souls for an eternity. And– And I liked it. I killed a human and that I definitely enjoyed. I know what that says about me. I am a monster. I left because I was afraid I would hurt you, just like I hurt everyone else."
"Lucifer..." Chloe whispered, letting her voice trail off. She didn't know what to say. She was hurt, that was for sure. "You– You left me on that balcony after I told you I loved you," She croaked. "You left me hurt believing that you had to go. You said you left to protect me? So I wouldn't get hurt? Well good job, because you did exactly what you said you didn't want to do."
"I know." Is all he could say back.
"You left for no good reason Lucifer. You hurt me."
Lucifer bit his lip at that. "No good reason?" He repeated loudly. "I left because I had to because I thought it was the best thing to do for you because I didn't want to hurt you."
"Then why the fuck did you come back?"
"I–" Lucifer's voice seemed to falter. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it," Chloe yelled. "You could have talked to me, you could have told me how you felt instead of leaving me with a broken heart crying my eyes out for you. You could have at least been honest, to yourself.
"No Lucifer, you listen, you had your chance to talk to me that night on the balcony, you had your chance to say you were afraid. But instead, you lied to me." Chloe seethed, he faced dripping with tears. "You know what Lucifer? Just leave, like you always do. Just leave." She begged. "And you're right, you do hurt everyone. No wonder your wings are gone."
Lucifer swallowed, clenching his fists in an attempt to impede the waterfall of tears begging to be let out. And so he did as he was asked; he got up, and he left.
And when the door behind him slammed shut, he felt himself crumble to the floor and he allowed his emotions to be released. And he screamed, he screamed and he screamed and he didn't care if she heard. He was screaming at himself. His stupid fucked up self.
He left, just like always. And this time it had dire consequences.
You know me, detective. I go off and do something dramatic and then I realize I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
But this time he wondered if there was any place for him to come back to.