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No More "Bruce" or Rubber Peepees, Please

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It’s too early in the morning for this.

Yifan woke up bright and early to the doorbell ringing like crazy. He stares at the box on the front porch. It had to be at least two foot in height, three foot in width, and five foot in length.

Yifan scratches his head. Maybe Luhan ordered something and sent it to his house. It would make sense, since Minseok threatened to divorce him if he ordered a “miniature” satellite into their house. 

Yifan bends down and inspects the shipping label of the box for some form of item description.

Yifan frowns, squinting.

...Bruce? What is “Bruce”?

Yifan kicks the box lightly. It’s pretty heavy. Maybe it was a miniature satellite. Maybe Luhan will get kicked out of his own house tonight.

Yifan sighs, about to call Luhan when a name catches his attention on the mailing information sheet.

Wu Junmyeon

Yifan freezes. Junmyeon Wu? Junmyeon? The same Wu as Kris Wu? What was happening? Since when was Junmyeon, Wu Junmyeon? Wasn't it Kim Junmyeon? Where they married? Since when where they married? 

It was like a weird out of body experience, there was a feeling of mild confusion seeping into the feeling of normalcy and acceptance in his mind. Yifan glanced at the wedding band on his ring finger. There was nothing weird about him and Junmyeon being married. He and Junmyeon had been married for ages. Why was it suddenly weird to him today that he and Junmyeon where married? 

Shaking his head, Yifan returned his thoughts to the giant package he dragged in from the porch.

“Junmyeonnie” He calls tentatively to the living room.

Junmyeon looks up from the book he was reading. Yifan internally cooes. Junmyeon was wearing one of Yifan’s sweaters, hair mussed up, sticking up in five directions, wrapped in fluffy knitted blankets. He was giving Yifan a fake annoyed look, making him look very much like a pouting bunny. The nagging feeling of confusion was still there mildy bothering Yifan, but everything felt so normal.

“Yes Fan?”

“Did you order a Bruce by chance?”

“Oh shit!”

Junmyeon jumps up in a panicked flurry. His glasses slide off his nose as he hurries to the front door. Yifan gawks at him as Junmyeon drags the package into their living room, smiling triumphantly, immediately busying himself with opening the package.

“Uh, Jun?”

“Mm?”

“What’s this?”

Junmyeon doesn’t answer, busy pulling out what seems to be… arms? Out of the cardboard box.

Yifan sighs and walks out to fix himself a cup of tea.

 

-

 

Yifan walks back into the living room and promptly spits out his tea.

Junmyeon is fiddling with a life sized doll.

Not just any life sized doll, a life sized doll of him! Wu Yifan! Complete with pouty lips and lucious hair and holy shit the thing had a penis as well? 

“Junmyeon, did you buy a fucking sex doll of me?”

Junmyeon doesn’t answer, instead he busies himself with the task of dressing the doll.

“Jun-”

“There! Done!” Junmyeon smiles triumphantly. Pats the doll lightly and drags it onto the living room couch.

Yifan gapes, looking more and more like a fish by the second.

“Jun, I want explain?”

Junmyeon grins deviously.

“This is Bruce.” He finally says.

“Yes, and?”

“He’s my new friend.”

“Friend.” Yifan’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Yeah!” Junmyeon smiles cheerily.

“Bruce was on discount and since you’re going on a business trip for two weeks, I thought I’d get myself a friend, you know? Plus, $1999.99 is a really good deal for a full size, custom made sex doll! We can hang him in our living room”

“You bought a sex doll of me!”

“Yes”

“You bought an entire six foot sex doll of me!!”

“It's actually a bit shorter, it's around 5'9”

“YOU BOUGHT A SEX DOLL of ME, COMPLETE WITH A PENIS? FOR ALMOST TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS?”

“Yeah, it was high quality, and I mean it’s a sex doll so it has to have a penis. Also, did you know the penis is an exact copy of yours! Remember the “Clone a Willy?” thing I tried on you? I sent that to them!” Junmyeon chirps digging through the parcel. "Look! They sent the willy back to us!" 

Yifan seemed to be five seconds from flopping onto the floor and foaming from the mouth. Junmyeon was laughing his ass off at his husband.

“There, there” Junmyeon whispers, patting Yifan’s back gently, another hand carding through Yifan’s hair.

“If it upsets you that much, we can just leave it in a closet, I won’t use it. It’s custom made so I can’t return it.”

Yifan doesn’t say anything, but humphs and leans back into Junmyeon’s arms. Junmyeon scratches his scalp.

“Aww, don’t tell me you’re jealous~”

Yifan pouts harder. Junmyeon giggles again.

“I mean technically it’s still your dick”

“Okay, fine, but you still spent $2000.00 on a rubber clone of me when the real me is still here”

“You won’t be here tomorrow, hmm?”

Junmyeon’s voice is light, lilting, and cheery, but there was loneliness was creeping into his tone. It hurt Yifan to hear him like that. Why would he leave his husband alone? 

Yifan's mind blanked. Tommorrow? Wait, what was tommorrow? Business trip? Yifan blinks. What did he do again? Commerce? Law? Corporate Lawyer?

Oh, right, he has a business trip to Hong Kong for two weeks to defend some dumb company. Two weeks is a long time to be alone. 

“I know baby, but it’s my job. I try to be here as much as I can” Yifan says a little helplessly.

Junmyeon sighs.

“Myeonnie~” Yifan pulls him onto his lap. Junmyeon buries his face into the crook of Yifan’s neck and takes a deep breath.

“You know I miss you too baby”

Junmyeon just sniffles.

“I’ll be back before you know it”

Junmyeon shakes his head, fingers tracing the edge of Yifan’s jawline.

“It’s weird you know? You’re really busy on your cases so I don’t expect you to call me or anything. But every time before you leave, I think I’m mentally prepared for you just not be here but turns out I’m not. It’s stupid. I’m stupid”

Junmyeon’s voice cracks a bit.

“No Myeonnie, you aren’t stupid-”

Junmyeon shushes him.

“I wanted to see how you’d react, you know? It was an impulse buy. I was really drunk, and were on your business trip again, so I thought why not? I get lonely and miss you and i miss your dick. The company said they could make the dick exactly like your dick. I thought that was cool and better than a dildo you know? I’d feel less detached. But-”

Junmyeon picks at his fingernails, avoiding Yifan’s gaze.

“I still like your dick the most,” Junmyeon says almost shyly, except the look in his eyes is anything but shy.

Yifan coughs.

“Myeonnie-”

“What, Fan? Can I not say that my husband has the best dick?”

“No- what? I?”

“Come on, baby” Junmyeon slides his hands under Yifan’s shirt. Yifan shivers a bit.

“We have plenty of time today before you leave.” Junmyeon loops his hands around Yifan’s neck smiling teasingly.

“We only have three hours, Jun, and I’m not done packing-”

Junmyeon shushes him by kissing him on the lips.

“I know what I said. That’s plenty of time. I don’t want to be able to walk tomorrow”

“Oh? You sure you won’t regret that?”

“Mm, nope. It’s like a nice, uh, souvenir? I don’t know, I can’t think straight right now, I just want your dick in me- oh my god dude! Kris my man! Did you see your twitter? Wake up!! Kris my man! Look!!”

Yifan blinks awake. Junmyeon was gone. He was sitting on a chair not a couch, and somehow wearing slacks and a dress shirt, not a t-shirt and his boxers. Something was off again, but that odd feeling of normality and calm returned. It was like he knew what was happening and what he was supposed to be doing but at the same time he didn't. It was all fuzzy yet clear at the same time, Almost like he was observing himself, but from a first person point of view.

“Kris my guy?”

“Uhm, yeah? Something on Twitter?”

“Yeah! Look!”

Yifan glaces at the screen. It read:

 

#OBSESSION | HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FAVORITE DWEEB! @meigenicircusSQUAD

OMG MEIGENIS LOOK A SEX DOLL OF WU YIFAN WHO NEEDS EXO COMEBACK THEORIES WHEN YOU HAVE THIS?

 

Yifan coughs. Hard.

“Oh my god bro, you good?”

“Yeah,” Yifan takes in a deep breath. “I’m getting some wild dejavu”

“Dejavu? Huh, this is a weird thing to get dejavu about. But how many people do you think will buy the doll?”

Yifan blinks again. 

“Zero? I hope no one buys a sex doll of me?”

“I don’t know, your fans would love to get their hands on a sex doll of you”

“Okay, but I still hope no one-”

His phone rings. Yifan bows a little and heads out the room to take the call.

“Ayo! Kris! What’s up?”

Kris looks at the caller ID. It was Luhan.

Wait. Luhan doesn’t ever call you, he’s not supposed to call you? Since when did he talk to you? Yifan blinks, trying to process his thoughts. But they're friends aren't they? Friends call each other and talk, right?

“The sky is up” He replies dryly. “And an airplane.”

“Ooh, scary” Luhan chuckles. “I’m not here to tell you about the sky though, I’m here to tell you about Bruce.”

Yifan sweats nervously. He really didn't like where this was going.

“Bruce?”

“Yeah! It’s a sex doll that looks exactly like you!” Luhan sounded extremely enthusiastic, a little too enthusiastic for someone who just found a sex doll of their friend on the internet.

“I pulled some strings and managed to send one to SM!”

“You what?? To what?”

“I managed to send a sex doll of you to SM! It should arrive in like… right now!”

Yifan takes a deep breath, looks at the sky and prays to Jesus Christ.

“Luhan! Why would you do that?”

“Because Lee Sooman needs a little more mental scarring and Junmyeon needs dick”

“I’m sorry? Pardon me but what the fuck? What do you mean Lee Sooman needs scarring and Junmyeon needs dick??”

“My Baozi said Junmyeon was dick deprived, but not of just any dick, he’s deprived A-Class Chinese dick, specifically from a pouty, moody, 6’1 man! So I sent him A-Class Chinese dick on a pouty, moody, but not quite 6’1 man! Lee Sooman was being a bitch per usual so I thought I could send him one to hang in his office!”

Yifan groans.

“Anyway! Gotta go Kris! Bye!”

The line goes dead. Yifan slumps against the wall.

His phone suddenly pings with a hundred something messages.

 

THIS IS SM ENTERTAINMENT.

YOU, WU YI FAN ARE RECIEVING THIS MESSAGE BECAUSE YOU SENT A GODDAMNED SEX DOLL OF YOURSELF TO US AND THAT IS ILLEGAL SO WE WILL BE FINING YOU AND FILING TWENTY (20) LAWSUITS AND MAKING YOU PAY US FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT BUT WE AREN’T GOING TO TELL YOU WERE TO PAY SO YOU CAN’T PAY AND THAT’S MORE EVIDENCE AGAINST YOU IN COURT.

REGARDS,

LEE SOO MAN AND BOARD OF DICKS I MEAN DIRECTORS

 

It’s either Yifan can’t read, or his brain is refusing to process the words because Yifan absorbed none of the information the message was conveying. His phone pings again.

 

THIS IS SM ENTERTAINMENT

ALSO WE WILL BE USING PICTURES OF YOU SMOKING CIGARETTES AND TELL THE JUSTICE IT’S WEED SO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT. SEE YOU IN COURT! DID WE SAY TWENTY (20) LAWSUITS? WELL GUESS WHAT? WE WILL BE FILING ANOTHER TWELVE (12) LAWSUITS ON TOP OF THAT AND EXTENDING YOUR CONTRACT UNTIL 2092 SO SUCK IT UP AND STEP ON A PIECE OF POISONOUS CORAL. ALSO. BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL UNDER OUR CONTRACT YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH ARIANA GRANDE AND SCOOTER BRAUN FOR YOUR NEXT SEVEN (7) COMEBACKS. WE WILL ALSO SEND YIXING DUCKS AND TELL HIM IT WAS FROM YOU!

BYE BITCH, LEE SOO MAN OUTTIE!

 

Yifan wants to cry. What the heck was even happening? Since when did Lee Sooman type in all caps? What poisoned coral? He just wants to sleep, is that too much to ask for?

Yifan’s phone pings again

 

Junmyeonnie: Hey Fan! Love your gift! I gotta say that your dick is 10x better though ;3

Junmyeonnie: See you in LA in a month! In the meantime I’ll be making good use of Bruce.

Junmyeonnie: Baekhyun's visiting later so brucie's going to be a pain in the ass to hide

Junmyeonnie: I love you! <3 Muah muah, miss you and your dick too!~

 

Yifan screams and faints.

 

-

 

“-Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Fanfan! Happy Birthday to you!”

 

Yifan bolts up in cold sweat.

“THERE’S NO BRUCE RIGHT? PLEASE TELL ME THERE IS NO BRUCE!”

Yifan’s manager eyes him concernedly. His producer friends who were holding a cake looks at each other and shrugs. His cat jumps off of a shelf and meows.

“Yifan, who’s Bruce?”

Yifan slinks under his covers and lets out a sigh of relief. He’s back from his fever dream in a dream. There were no sex dolls of him, no lawsuits, no contract extentions and no poisonous coral.

“Ah, sorry, I had a nightmare”

His manager shakes his head.

“Crazy fans get to your head don’t they? Alright, I’ll leave you be. We’ll be downstairs. When you get dressed, come down and we’ll talk about your schedules today. Pickes, you come with me too."

Pickles meows and follows Yifan's friends as they scooch out of his room with his managers.

Yifan shakes his head. He needs some therapy or something… What the heck triggered those dreams last night?

Yifan grabs his phone. He has thousands of sns notifications from his fans, wishing him happy birthday and what-not, but one catches his eye.

 

kimjuncotton

6:24 AM

Happy birthday yifan! 🐰🍰🍾🎉🐉I can’t believe you’re 29 almost thirty! You’re an old man now!

but you’re my old man. Happy birthday again. Imy <3 the boys send hugs and birthday wishes!

uh and baekhyun and jongdae sends penguin noots and screaming

and, I say this a lot but I miss you fan. Ilysm! Have a great birthday!

🐉|❤️|

 

Yifan smiles to himself, tapping away at his keyboard. Maybe he doesn’t need therapy.

 

-

 

 

-

 

 

-

kimjuncotton

8:50 AM

 

Thank you Myeonnie. I love you too! Tell the boys thank you as well and that I miss them

🐰 |❤️|

Ofc I will! tell them that

oh yeah did you see that sex doll of you? Called bruce? The meigenis were tweeting about that

fan i want one. buy me one. send me one.

Yes I saw it but you want one? what??? Why??

fine i will buy one myself then.

Wait what????

and you could come over to korea sometime :3 and we can chill. wink wonk

Chill with netflix? or?

no ofc not, we don't netfix and chill in korea. It's ramen noodle soup and chill.

you can come over for some ramen noodle soup ; )

yifan <3 <3 <3

yifannnnnn

ily bb imy 

I love you too baby and I miss you too <3

 🐰 |❤️|

kimjuncotton

1:32 PM

 

Okay but on a serious note, next time I visit you or vise versa 😜🍑 🍆💦💦🤤🤤🤤

You know where this is going fan 😘

 

 

 

Okay. Yes he needs therapy and a bit of Jesus Christ.

.