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Heart's Filthy Lesson

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A dark haired boy stared into the distance like an inkblot against the grey sky. Loki stared dead eyed into the dark cityscape having moment's earlier been ripping his lungs with air, tears still drying on his cheeks. He wiped his nose on his sleeve daintily looking in disdain at the red smudge left behind.  Running a hand through his hair he went to find a crushed box of cigarettes in his pocket and attempt to light one up with his shaky fingers.

He supposed Thor was probably on his way to find him, probably still furious with him, he didn't care. The whole ordeal had been a distant blur and he was sure his nose was probably broken too. He didn't need to be told he was sick. He didn't need to be told he was fucked in the head, all this he already knew. His phone still lay several feet away smashed where he'd thrown it in anger. Loki knew, that as always, he was the perpetrator of his own misery. 

He told him. 

That's what happened. He told him what he'd done, what was worse was why he'd done it. Kissing Jane at the party hadn't really been his intention, but he was drunk enough to do so. She had gone with it, Loki wasn't sure why, maybe too drunk too, confused, lonely. It had been pleasant enough, she was soft and pliant and smelt like vanilla, he like cheap liquor and menthols. Actually, it might've gotten further if it hadn't been for Thor barging in and smashing his face in. Loki was slightly glad of it. The first rule of stealing your hot brother's girlfriend to get his attention was to get caught right? 

That had certainly happened. 

Thor has wrenched him up by the hair when he found out and broke his nose. That didn't hurt so much. It was simple and to the point. That's what Loki could grasp and understand  What hurt was Thor dropping him on the ground like he was diseased. A sick and wretched little animal getting a boner from his brother manhandling him. Loki snorted and spat on the floor, taking another shaking inhale from his cigarette. His lungs hurt but it kept him present, grounded. Physical pain kept him in place as it thrummed through his body, allowing him to blank out his mind. 

Loki always felt sick. His body didn't fit him, he always felt uncomfortable, unable to ever sit still and would fidget. He languishing beneath his sport's star brother's achievements, wanting nothing more than to share his glory a little, be by his side, together. But he was so gangly and lanky, felt like a broken little thing beside the lion. They'd been close once but as they grew older, as Thor blossomed into the charismatic, handsome young quarterback everyone loved and Loki trailed behind like a little shadow.

He remembered it then. The first time he felt hatred for his brother, it had been the exact same time he realised he wanted nothing more than to touch him. He was 14 and he'd been laying on the couch playing video games. His brother had come in still sweating and stinking from his football game. 'Get lost squirt'

Loki didn't say anything, just stretched mutely. 'Get out shithead, Jane's coming soon' 

'Fuck off' he'd said simply, trying to hide his disappointment. He had been secretly hoping Thor would join him after school to play video games here but of course, once again, girls took priority.

That's when Thor hit him, punching him squarely in the stomach. He almost lost his lunch from the impact and fell off the couch in a heap wheezing. He looked up at Thor in shock who peered down at him with his chest heaving. It him like a second punch when his eyes settled on Thor's dick packed up shorts still in a jockstrap but with no cup. He was half interested (probably for Jane) and a dark blush managed to spread itself across his cheeks. 

Loki shivered and put out the cigarette. He'd only managed a few puffs before giving up. He ran his hand through his hair again. Dawn was setting in and he must've been out there for hours. The cold morning dew settling finely on his skin. Birds sang and the traffic below stirred getting on with a new day that Loki hadn't even started yet. A powerful headache formed itself between his eyes, the familiar pressure of a hangover settling in. 

Too cold and too strung out to even care anymore, Loki slowly unfolded himself and picked up his smashed phone before descending back down into the warmth of the house. Bodies were strewn across the rooms on rugs and and any other flat surface people could lie on. The place looked like a fucked up morgue. 

Stepping over beer cups and bodies, he turned his eyes settled on Thor who had passed out sitting in a chair, his knuckles bruised from punching a wall. Jane was nowhere to be seen, she probably figured it better to head out over two brothers getting in a punch up over her.

He felt exhausted to the bone and settled on grabbing the first bus he could see coming up outside the townhouse. He sat outside folded in on himself and looking like shit sticking earbuds in despite not having any music. A bus wouldn't arrive for at least thirty minutes. Loki groaned audibly and reached for his familiar packet of smokes. One broken lonely cigarette looked up at him and Loki chuckled sadly picking it out and lit it.

Thor had somehow appeared in between. Crossing the street with effortless strides. He looked rough too


Loki just stared at nothing. He wasn't expecting to have to deal with this shit for at least a few hours and he certainly wouldn't be ready then or now. Maybe Thor could just hit him again so he'd black out. 

Thor just stared down at him. He must've looked quite pathetic. 

'I'm getting the car' he said quietly. 


The car ride home was silent. They'd done the whole exchange in mime mostly. Loki was pretty sure that Thor shouldn't be driving considering the state he was in but didn't say anything. Bruising had already begun to emerge under his eyes. Loki probably needed a trip to the emergency room but that was the furthest thing from his mind. He opened the window, trying to keep himself awake until they got home. Thor side eyed his brother and sighed. 

They pulled up outside the house, Thor cut the engine and locked the doors before Loki could let himself out, he clung to the door before turning to meet Thor's face staring blankly into the distance.

'You fell'

'what?' Loki's eyebrows raised

'You. Fell.' he said, seething anger in his tone.

'Oh... sure' Loki said finally. His hands wrung together waiting for Thor to let him out. 

Finally he heard the sweet sound of the lock pop itself open and he sprang out of the car like a cat waiting to go out for a piss. He didn't look behind him even once.


Thor looked at himself in the mirror quickly before heading out the door. He just got a text from Darcy about a party across town, she said Jane was going to meet him there 'we got blow' was all he needed to get him off butt. 

The night had gone the usual way, a few couples had already broken up by midnight, some guy had puked in someone's work shoes, a gang of girls had locked themselves in the bathroom with the blow and were crying. Loki had shown up at some point and had been goaded into taking shots of shitty cheap tequila. The applause long forgotten now that he was passed out on the couch. He got startled awake by some heavy handed couple pushing him off, falling off onto the dirty carpet. 

'Oh! Sorry man! Didn't see you!'  

Feeling like he wanted to puke, he crawled along the rug before managing to steady himself onto his feet. Pushing people out the way to get himself out the balcony door. He retched and puked up most of his stomach contents to a few onlookers disdain who moved away. People milled in and out swaying and chatting ignoring the crumpled boy in the corner.

It was disgusting, but he felt a lot better. The cold air hit his face and he soon gained the capacity to move and light a cigarette. 

'You alright there Lo?' a brown haired girl emerged, she was swaying too, eyes blown out and glassy. She swung her arm around him and plucked the cigarette from his fingers taking a long drag. It was then that his mind caught up with him, it was Jane, Thor's girlfriend. He hadn't ever been up that close before, it was strange, she smelled like him, she was wearing his checkered jacket. 

'Where's Thor got to?' he managed to slur out before taking the cigarette back.

' run maybe? What've you been up to? Haven't seen you at all!' Jane shook him.

'Nothing, getting fucked up mostly' Jane let out a genuine chuckle and hit his shoulder again. 

'You're funny!' Loki gave a small smile.

Jane was never like this, usually reserved, even a little cold towards him. She never paid any mind to Thor's little brother really, preferring to give him a quick smile and walk away whenever she accidentally met his eye. 

'Do you have another one?' she said, another one meaning a cigarette. She pawed at him a little, playfully. She put her hand in his lap, maybe on purpose, he wasn't sure. His brain was full of static. She smelt good.

He pulled out a well worn box and gave her one, lighting it as if he were a gentleman. She puffed away happily and didn't think twice at pecking him on the mouth. A smoky, dirty kiss. 

It did something to him to have something of Thor's in his hands. 

He gazed at her, trying it out, trying his luck at lifting her chin before reaching in with an open mouth, kissing her languidly. It tasted like smoke and alcohol but it was exciting enough that they both dived in. Loki gripped the oversized jacket she was wearing -Thor's jacket- with all his might, maybe the smell could get on him, maybe he could take it. 

'The FUCK'

Loki almost jumped out of his own skin. Before he knew it he was being dragged by his hair by a huge hand. Swearing and screeching filled his ears and he felt his limp body being thrown like a rag doll. He suddenly felt sober. 

The balcony filed out, it was too late and the bloodthirst of seeing maybe the fifth couple of the night get into spats had lost its appeal. The drunk happy go lucky negotiators weren't even going touch this one. It was getting late now and the police would probably get called.

Thor turned his attention to Loki again who was piled on the floor. He was shaking and breathing heavily, mouthing silently trying his best to get his words out he was so furious.

'Why did you do that?' he managed quietly

'I dunno' Loki found his feet, wiping his hands on his jeans. 


'Thor, I don't fucking know!'

That was met with a quick wap to the face, a sickening crunch and blood gushed from Loki's nose. He landed on his ass,  hands instantly went to cup the dark red tendrils coming from his face he stared in shock, that he managed to get Thor so angry. It was almost like his own personal best.


Loki just stayed silent letting the blood flow out his nose and stain his clothes. The pain throbbed and ebbed and he spat blood onto the ground. 

'the fuck you want me to say to you Thor, we were drinking alright, it happened'

'You can't just keep your hands off my shit can you?'

'Yeah well'


'The fuck do you mean why?'

'No, really why? You want her? Fucking keep her I'm done, I'm fucking done' Thor ran his hand through his hair, looking to go back through the double doors again and leaving his stupid bloody brother on the floor. 

'No dumbass! I want you!' 

Thor froze. It took him a few moments to turn around and look at him with a deadeyed stare. Feelings of betrayal bubbling up and transforming into something else. Adrenaline thrummed though his body. Thor felt like he was going to be sick. 

'Me?' he said, flatly. Maybe he was gunning up to punch him in the other side of his nose. Loki winced as Thor stepped towards him again, grabbing Loki by the front of his shirt and lifting him off the ground. Loki could feel his breath on his face he was so close. 

'You want me?' 

Loki nodded and couldn't look him in the eye. He looked down and caught sight of his crotch oh fuck.oh fuck.don't look don't look don't look

He squeezed his eyes together and it was enough for Thor to catch on. He dropped his brother on the ground like a sack of potatoes when he saw. Thor wanted to scream. 

'Sick. Fuck'

When Thor slammed the door behind him, Loki curled in on himself and let out the sobs he'd been holding in. Thor's words dancing in his head. Sick fuck sick fuck sick fuck sick