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It Started With a Whisper

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Tasha: ALLIE. ALLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALLLLLLLIEEEEEEEEE!1!1111!!!11!1!111!!!!!

 

Allie: WTF, Tash, capslock broke much?

 

Allie: Wait

 

Allie: Oh fuck me, Tash, you didn't get into Reade's drugs did you?

 

Allie: FUCK. FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

Allie: STOP SNORTING THAT SHIT RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND

 

Allie: And drink lots of water? I don't know what to tell you here, this isn't exactly where my expertise lies

 

Tasha: BETTER THAN THAT. HE SAID IT, ALS!!!!

 

Tasha: And we're not all going to die a horrible, radioactive death.

 

Tasha: BUT HE SAID IT, ALLIE! HE FINALLY SAID "I LOVE YOU"!!!!

 

Allie: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

Allie: That's great and all, but let's go back to "die a horrible, radioactive death"  ??????

 

Allie: I'mma gonna need some details there, namely – WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

 

Tasha: Don't have time, watch the news tonight.

 

Tasha:  I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS ALS!!!!!!!!!!

 

Allie: Who said ILU to whom? Did Reade tell you that he's in love with you?

 

Allie: If so, DUH

 

Tasha: NO, WELLER!!!!!!!!

 

Allie: WTF HAS KURT BEEN SNORTING READE'S COCK

 

Allie: ROTFLMAO  Autocorrect strikes again! *coke*

 

Allie: What the hell is that ignorant slut doing telling you that he loves you?!?!?!?!?!

 

Allie: WTF DID YOU SAY TASH?

 

Tash: NO. NOT ME. JANE. HE FINALLY TOLD JANE "I LOVE YOU".

 

Allie: Well, that's the DUH of the century, even more so than Reade

 

Allie: WAIT what do you mean "finally"?

 

Allie: OMG THAT IGNORANT SLUT'S NOT SAID IT BEFORE NOW!?!?!?!?

 

Allie: So fucking USELESS

 

Tasha: ASKDLJFALKSDFKJASLJDF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Tasha: OVER OPEN COMMS!!!!!!!

 

Tasha: WE ALL HEARD IT!

 

Tasha: THERE'S MUCHO CELEBRATION GOING ON

 

Tasha: Well, most of 'em are celebrating that whole not dying a horrible death thing and the White House, DC, and East Coast not being obliterated.

 

Tasha: BUT READE, PATTY, AND I KNOW BETTER. HE SAID ILU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Allie: WHAT DID SHE SAY???!?!?!?!? Also – East Coast whut????

 

Allie: I mean, obviously she said "Love you too, boo", but WHAT DID SHE SAY?!?!?!?!

 

Tasha: She didn't. It was more of this frustrated growl followed by a lot of screaming.

 

Tasha: Mostly "WHAT THE HELL, KURT, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT AND PASS OUT ON ME!"

 

Tasha: "Oh my God, don't die! I NEED AN AMBULANCE!"

 

Tasha: "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE BLEED OUT ON ME!"

 

Tasha: "I'M GOING TO RESURRECT YOU AND THEN KILL YOU AGAIN IF YOU DIE ON ME!"

 

Tasha: Things of that nature.

 

Allie: Jesus. That man – say it with me now – SO FUCKING USELESS

 

Allie: He has a horrible track record of falling asleep at the exact wrong time  

 

Allie: If you know what I mean  

 

Allie: And I think you do  

 

Allie: ( During sex  I always mean sex )

 

Tasha: Ewwww.

 

Tasha: Didn't need to know that. Thanks. Appreciate it.

 

Tasha: In case you missed it, that was massive sarcasm.

 

Tasha: Don't tell me shit like that about my boss! What is wrong with you?!!?!?!?

 

Tasha: Btw, he'll be fine, just some traumatic injury/blood loss.

 

Tasha: The usual sort of Weller nonsense.

 

Tasha:   BUT HE SAID IT!!!!!!!

 

Tasha: JOIN ME IN DOING THE HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY DANCE OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!

 

Allie: You desperately need to get laid. DESPERATELY, do you understand me?

 

Allie: And it looks like we can take Kurt off the list of potential candidates

 

Allie: How's Jane's brother doing?  

 

Tash: Eh, escaped from custody, wanted terrorist.

 

Allie: Exactly the type of man you go for! Do it, Tash!  

 

Tasha: …

 

Tasha: …

 

Tasha: …

 

Tasha: What part of "escaped from custody" as in "not here anymore" did you NOT understand?

 

Tasha: Also NO. Nopity nope nope nope.

 

Tasha: Long story, but I have reason to believe Patty wouldn't appreciate that.

 

Tasha: Sorry, can't talk right now, clean-up efforts, got to go deal with that CIA prick and Weitzhole, but OMG ALLIE HE SAID IT, HE FINALLY SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Allie: Either of them single?

 

Allie: Oh, fuck it. I don't care if they're single, you shouldn't care either

 

Allie: Make bad decisions, Tash!

 

Allie: Thanks for saving the East Coast ????

 

Allie: Seriously, call me when you get a chance, I feel like there's a story there I need to hear

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Tasha: ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Allie: Not again

 

Allie: What now?

 

Allie: Also – good job , saw the news, well done 

 

Tasha: Eh, I wasn't all that involved in it. Kinda got shot in the neck and wasn't out in the field.

 

Allie: WTF, WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAD WITH THAT? JESUS CHRIST, TASH! ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?!?!

 

Allie: What hospital? I'm flying out tonight

 

Allie: Shit. Can't fly. Too pregnant. Um… let me see if they'll let me take a train? If not, I don't know what to do here. Can't fit behind the steering wheel of my car anymore.

 

Allie: Uber? Do you think I can Uber from Colorado to NYC?

 

Tasha: I'm fine. Flesh wound. Checked out this morning. I was at the NYO when shit went down, just not boots on the ground with Jane/Weller.

 

Allie: YOU GOT SHOT IN THE FUCKING NECK AND YOU CHECKED YOURSELF OUT!??!?!

 

Allie: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, OTHER THAN YOU GOT FUCKING SHOT IN THE FUCKING NECK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

Tasha: It's no biggie.

 

Allie: YOU GOT FUCKING SHOT IN THE FUCKING NECK, NATASHA. YOU ARE NOT WONDER WOMAN. OR THE BLACK WIDOW. THIS IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS DEFINITELY A BIGGIE!

 

Allie: But while I'm thinking about it, those would be awesome Halloween costumes for you. Something to think about for next year

 

Allie: There could be this whole super heroes theme for the team

 

Allie: BUT YOU GOT SHOT, TASH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Tasha: Seriously, chill the fuck out, don't go into labor over this. I've got bigger news!

 

Allie: You had better fucking not be pregnant, Tash

 

Tasha: …

 

Tasha: …

 

Tasha: …

 

Tasha: What's a nice way of saying 'I'm smarter than you, dumbass'? Let's pretend I'm saying the nice version.

 

Tasha: But seriously I have news!

 

Tasha: And in case it wasn't clear, NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT.

 

Tasha: Jane showed up at Weller's apartment about 5 minutes ago and dragged him out in the hallway and told him that she loves him too!!!! AND THEN THERE WERE REALLY GROSS KISSING SOUNDS!

 

Tasha: Okay, so we may have spied on them a bit. They were totally making out. TOTALLY.

 

Tasha: And then we cleared out of the apartment and I'm 100% sure that they're getting it on now!!!!!

 

Tasha: ISN'T IT FABULOUS!??!!??!???!?!!?!

 

Tasha: Allie? Allie, are you still there?

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Allie: KURT WELLER, YOU IGNORANT SLUT, DON'T YOU DARE FORGET TO USE A FUCKING CONDOM THIS TIME

 

Allie: I'M SERIOUS KURT

 

Allie: STOP FOOLING AROUND WITH JANE AND LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING PHONE, KURT

 

Allie: KURT!

 

Allie: WRAP IT UP, YOU IGNORANT SLUT! YOU DON'T WANT 2 – OR MORE! – OOPS BABIES IN ONE YEAR!

 

Allie: KURT!!!!

 

Allie: PULL OUT!!!!!!!

 

Allie:

 

Allie: I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THE 'NO BABIES' PART, KURT!

 

Allie: If you get her pregnant before I pop out your first little crotchfruit, I'm coming over and performing an unmedicated vasectomy. With a dull plastic spork. See if I don't

 

Allie: ON YOU. In case that part of the threat wasn't clear

 

Allie: Well, it's more of a promise than a threat. But still

 

Allie: And if it's with twins, I'm going to laugh until I cry! YOU HAVE IT COMING!

 

Allie: (Let's both pretend that I didn't make a very bad pun there by accident)

 

Allie: BTW, congrats! I'm so glad you two finally got together! Mazel tov!

 

Allie: But seriously, DON'T FORGET BIRTH CONTROL THIS TIME!!!!!!!!

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Allie: He's not answering his texts, Tash, can you go back over there?

 

Tasha: NO.

 

Tasha: STOP TRYING TO COCKBLOCK THEM, ALS.

 

Tasha: The Secret Service already did that.

 

Tasha: Seriously, that's a story I've *got* to tell you next time you're in town or I'm out in CO, don't let me forget.

 

Tasha: But NO.

 

Tasha: I'm not going to ask Reade to turn the car around and go back.

 

Tasha: WTF is wrong with you for suggesting that?!?!?!?!

 

Allie: He’s one of my best friends and he can’t take care of himself

 

Allie: His walls have walls

 

Allie: And he can’t think straight when Jane’s going all wrecking ball on his defenses

 

Allie: And I just wanted to make sure that he's not being stupid again

 

Allie: Stupid in a "bouncing 9 lb, 8 oz oversized bundle of joy, that poor vagina will never be the same again" sort of way, if you get my meaning

 

Tasha: Eh, we left condoms on the kitchen counter, dining room table, coffee table, and his bed before we left.

 

Tasha: Patterson's very thorough.

 

Tasha: And carries a surprising number of condoms with her, btw.

 

Tasha: Seriously, what on earth is she doing carrying around a 50-count box with her? In her purse. WHO DOES THAT????

 

Tasha: I mean, obviously not you, as we've all figured out by now

 

Tasha: BUT ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL FABULOUS THING!!?!?!?!?!?

 

Allie: It is. And super hot. Can't you just picture them?

 

Allie: I wouldn't mind being the filling in that sandwich. Well, not now of course. 80 pounds from now

 

Tasha: Ew.

 

Tasha: Super ewwww. I may have to vomit.

 

Tasha: If I do, I'm telling Reade it's your fault. You know how he is about his car.

 

Tasha: WTF is wrong with you, don't make me picture my co-workers having sex. Don't make me picture you having sex, especially with my co-workers. Don't make me picture anyone I know having sex!

 

Tasha: EWWWW. I really need some mental bleach now.

 

Allie: Oh, like you wouldn't volunteer as tribute there

 

Tasha: NO!

 

Allie: Don't act like you've never  got it on with a co-worker or three, Tash

 

Tasha: But I haven't!

 

Allie: Really

 

Allie: Suuuuuuuuuuuure

 

Allie: Wait, really? For real?

 

Tasha: NEVER.

 

Allie: ?????

 

Allie: But but but but but

 

Allie: Does not compute

 

Allie: Seriously?

 

Allie: Your cop partner

 

Tasha: NO.

 

Allie: That cutie at the 6th that you flirt with all the time?

 

Tasha: Flirting's not fucking.

 

Allie: I may have to stitch that on a sampler at some point, that's fucking poetic

 

Allie: But… SERIOUSLY?!??!?!?!?

 

Allie: READE?!?!?!? ?

 

Tasha: N. O. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

 

Allie:  ????

 

Tasha: What is that even supposed to be?

 

Allie: Please allow me to elaborate, please please please please please

 

Allie:

 

Allie: I can't believe I have to explain facials to you, you should be ashamed of yourself!

 

Tasha: You do know that's (a) not what that emoji's for?

 

Tasha: And (b) that's not what that word's for?

 

Tasha: AND NO, OF COURSE NOT!

 

Tasha: What the hell is wrong with you? Reade and I are not like that! Neither of us would ever!

 

Allie: Yeah, keep telling yourself that

 

Allie: Reade would, he really really would. Hell, he's done it before, I know he doesn't have any qualms at all about getting it on with a coworker. Plus, he’s 110% in love with you, in case you haven’t noticed

 

Tasha: DA FUQ???? ALLIE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY POOR PARTNER?

 

Allie: Not me for once

 

Allie: Have you forgotten how badly I scare him?

 

Tasha: I was starting to wonder if it was a "once bitten, twice shy" thing. Like how kids don't get scared of dogs until after getting bit.

 

Allie: Is that your way of calling me a bitch?

 

Tasha: No. Rabid.

 

Allie: Eh, I've had my shots

 

Allie: I've had more than my fair share of shots

 

Allie: DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW MANY SHOTS YOU GET WHILE PREGNANT?

 

Allie: Don’t do it, save yourself!

 

Allie: And you know I'm more into scratching than biting

 

Allie: You've seen Kurt shirtless in the locker room after a great night, you should know better!

 

Allie: But seriously…

 

Allie: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????

 

Allie: No, I don't believe you

 

Allie: SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

Allie: …

 

Allie: …

 

Allie: Um… so um… I um… is there something you want to tell me, Tash?

 

Allie: Like… when you said that Patterson would have a problem with the idea of you and Roman…

 

Allie: ???

 

Tasha: I mean, Roman wasn't a coworker, but no.

 

Allie: That's not what I was asking. I'm trying to be polite for once. WORK WITH ME HERE

 

Tasha: ??? You're not making any sense.

 

Allie: Oh, for fuck's sake, Tash. This is why I don't do tactful. This right here

 

Allie: Pick the appropriate word to finish this sentence – I, Tasha Zapata, the most sexually frustrated FBI agent alive right now that Kurt's getting his freak on, really love dick/pussy

 

Allie:  or ?

 

Tasha: Wait, you think I'm sleeping with Patterson!??!?!?!

 

Tasha: Again, N. O. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO.

 

Tasha: 1) Still not a lesbian, thanks for asking. I actually really do appreciate the tact you used here.

 

Tasha: 2) I don't shit where I eat.

 

Tasha: 3) So no getting it on with coworkers!

 

Allie: And this is why you have such a dismal sex life

 

Tasha: It's not dismal!

 

Allie: Un-huh. Remind me again the last time you got laid ?

 

Tasha: Fuck you.

 

Allie: Sounds like I'm not your type, sorry

 

Tasha: You are seriously the most irritating person I know. KEEP IN MIND THAT I KNOW MATTHEW WEITZHOLE. YOU ARE WORSE THAN HIM EVEN. YOU MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD IN COMPARISON. STOP THAT.

 

Allie: You already know what I'm going to advise, and I already know that you're going to ignore me, but here it goes anyhow

 

Allie: YOU SAVED THE FUCKING COUNTRY, TASHA

 

Allie: You DESERVE good dick , Tash. You've fucking EARNED IT

 

Allie: You NEED a reward for a good job!!!!

 

Allie: And probably a fucking shit-ton of stress relief

 

Allie: And Reade does too. Well, not dick , but sex

 

Allie: So either you DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT , or you drag him out to a bar and you both find non-co-worker types

 

Allie: Put him out of his misery by either finally admitting your own feelings or letting him down once and for all

 

Allie: And this is where you're going to ignore my good advice

 

Tasha: Can't do the bar thing, can't drink, on pain meds.

 

Allie: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT FUCKING SHOT AND OUGHT TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL

 

Allie: Oh, there's an idea! Go find a cute doctor! I mean, hospital beds are a bit narrow and squeak a lot, but you DO need to see a doctor!

 

Allie: But you're going to ignore that advice too, because that's what you do

 

Allie: Can you at least promise me you're going to take it easy for the next few days?

 

Tasha: Reade's insisting I stay with him until the stitches come out. I'm sure he's going to be overbearing about taking it easy.

 

Allie: HALLELUJAH, at least one of you has common sense! LISTEN TO THE MAN

 

Allie: Now, you go have fun – or not – with Reade, I've got to run

 

Allie: Date night with Conor

 

Allie: After all, at least one of us ought to get a good dicking tonight

 

Tasha: ALLIE, YOU'RE EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT!

 

Allie: Good job, you can still count! Well done, you!

 

Tasha: Is that safe????

 

Allie: Define 'safe'. I mean, it's not like I can get more pregnant

 

Tasha: EWWWWWWWW. Didn't need to know that.

 

Allie: I'm joking. I make him cumin a bowl on the bedside table

 

Tasha: WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!?

 

Tasha: I don't want to know.

 

Tasha: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

 

Tasha: But wait what?

 

Allie: There's no point in us wasting $$$ on condoms right now and I appreciate having a nice, clean, spunk-free bed. I mean, who doesn’t? Sweat's one thing, but I draw the line at cum-soaked sheets. No thank you. I'm also not about that salty protein-packed facial  life right now. No cum-soaked me either.

 

Tasha: OH MY GOD. WHY DO YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS. WHY. WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU????

 

Allie: Oh, like you don't

 

Tasha: ...

 

Tasha: I can't even. What. Huh. I don't know what to say to any of that.

 

Tasha: Other than – are you putting those emojis in every time, or does your autocorrect know just how nasty your mind is?

 

Tasha: We just pulled up to Reade's building, so I'm just going to say good night.

 

Allie: 'Night! Don't do anything I wouldn't!

 

Allie: Which isn't much!