Chapter 1: He Said It, Als!
Tasha: ALLIE. ALLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALLLLLLLIEEEEEEEEE!1!1111!!!11!1!111!!!!!
Allie: WTF, Tash, capslock broke much?
Allie: Oh fuck me, Tash, you didn't get into Reade's drugs did you?
Allie: FUCK. FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK
Allie: STOP SNORTING THAT SHIT RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND
Allie: And drink lots of water? I don't know what to tell you here, this isn't exactly where my expertise lies
Tasha: BETTER THAN THAT. HE SAID IT, ALS!!!!
Tasha: And we're not all going to die a horrible, radioactive death.
Tasha: BUT HE SAID IT, ALLIE! HE FINALLY SAID "I LOVE YOU"!!!!
Allie: That's great and all, but let's go back to "die a horrible, radioactive death" ??????
Allie: I'mma gonna need some details there, namely – WTF?!?!?!?!?!?
Tasha: Don't have time, watch the news tonight.
Tasha: I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS ALS!!!!!!!!!!
Allie: Who said ILU to whom? Did Reade tell you that he's in love with you?
Allie: If so, DUH
Tasha: NO, WELLER!!!!!!!!
Allie: WTF HAS KURT BEEN SNORTING READE'S COCK
Allie: ROTFLMAO Autocorrect strikes again! *coke*
Allie: What the hell is that ignorant slut doing telling you that he loves you?!?!?!?!?!
Allie: WTF DID YOU SAY TASH?
Tash: NO. NOT ME. JANE. HE FINALLY TOLD JANE "I LOVE YOU".
Allie: Well, that's the DUH of the century, even more so than Reade
Allie: WAIT what do you mean "finally"?
Allie: OMG THAT IGNORANT SLUT'S NOT SAID IT BEFORE NOW!?!?!?!?
Allie: So fucking USELESS
Tasha: OVER OPEN COMMS!!!!!!!
Tasha: WE ALL HEARD IT!
Tasha: THERE'S MUCHO CELEBRATION GOING ON
Tasha: Well, most of 'em are celebrating that whole not dying a horrible death thing and the White House, DC, and East Coast not being obliterated.
Tasha: BUT READE, PATTY, AND I KNOW BETTER. HE SAID ILU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Allie: WHAT DID SHE SAY???!?!?!?!? Also – East Coast whut????
Allie: I mean, obviously she said "Love you too, boo", but WHAT DID SHE SAY?!?!?!?!
Tasha: She didn't. It was more of this frustrated growl followed by a lot of screaming.
Tasha: Mostly "WHAT THE HELL, KURT, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT AND PASS OUT ON ME!"
Tasha: "Oh my God, don't die! I NEED AN AMBULANCE!"
Tasha: "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE BLEED OUT ON ME!"
Tasha: "I'M GOING TO RESURRECT YOU AND THEN KILL YOU AGAIN IF YOU DIE ON ME!"
Tasha: Things of that nature.
Allie: Jesus. That man – say it with me now – SO FUCKING USELESS
Allie: He has a horrible track record of falling asleep at the exact wrong time
Allie: If you know what I mean
Allie: And I think you do
Allie: ( During sex I always mean sex )
Tasha: Didn't need to know that. Thanks. Appreciate it.
Tasha: In case you missed it, that was massive sarcasm.
Tasha: Don't tell me shit like that about my boss! What is wrong with you?!!?!?!?
Tasha: Btw, he'll be fine, just some traumatic injury/blood loss.
Tasha: The usual sort of Weller nonsense.
Tasha: BUT HE SAID IT!!!!!!!
Tasha: JOIN ME IN DOING THE HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY DANCE OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!
Allie: You desperately need to get laid. DESPERATELY, do you understand me?
Allie: And it looks like we can take Kurt off the list of potential candidates
Allie: How's Jane's brother doing?
Tash: Eh, escaped from custody, wanted terrorist.
Allie: Exactly the type of man you go for! Do it, Tash!
Tasha: What part of "escaped from custody" as in "not here anymore" did you NOT understand?
Tasha: Also NO. Nopity nope nope nope.
Tasha: Long story, but I have reason to believe Patty wouldn't appreciate that.
Tasha: Sorry, can't talk right now, clean-up efforts, got to go deal with that CIA prick and Weitzhole, but OMG ALLIE HE SAID IT, HE FINALLY SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Allie: Either of them single?
Allie: Oh, fuck it. I don't care if they're single, you shouldn't care either
Allie: Make bad decisions, Tash!
Allie: Thanks for saving the East Coast ????
Allie: Seriously, call me when you get a chance, I feel like there's a story there I need to hear
Chapter 2: Isn't It Fabulous?
Allie: Not again
Allie: What now?
Allie: Also – good job , saw the news, well done
Tasha: Eh, I wasn't all that involved in it. Kinda got shot in the neck and wasn't out in the field.
Allie: WTF, WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAD WITH THAT? JESUS CHRIST, TASH! ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?!?!
Allie: What hospital? I'm flying out tonight
Allie: Shit. Can't fly. Too pregnant. Um… let me see if they'll let me take a train? If not, I don't know what to do here. Can't fit behind the steering wheel of my car anymore.
Allie: Uber? Do you think I can Uber from Colorado to NYC?
Tasha: I'm fine. Flesh wound. Checked out this morning. I was at the NYO when shit went down, just not boots on the ground with Jane/Weller.
Allie: YOU GOT SHOT IN THE FUCKING NECK AND YOU CHECKED YOURSELF OUT!??!?!
Allie: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, OTHER THAN YOU GOT FUCKING SHOT IN THE FUCKING NECK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Tasha: It's no biggie.
Allie: YOU GOT FUCKING SHOT IN THE FUCKING NECK, NATASHA. YOU ARE NOT WONDER WOMAN. OR THE BLACK WIDOW. THIS IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS DEFINITELY A BIGGIE!
Allie: But while I'm thinking about it, those would be awesome Halloween costumes for you. Something to think about for next year
Allie: There could be this whole super heroes theme for the team
Allie: BUT YOU GOT SHOT, TASH!!!!!!!!!!
Tasha: Seriously, chill the fuck out, don't go into labor over this. I've got bigger news!
Allie: You had better fucking not be pregnant, Tash
Tasha: What's a nice way of saying 'I'm smarter than you, dumbass'? Let's pretend I'm saying the nice version.
Tasha: But seriously I have news!
Tasha: And in case it wasn't clear, NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT.
Tasha: Jane showed up at Weller's apartment about 5 minutes ago and dragged him out in the hallway and told him that she loves him too!!!! AND THEN THERE WERE REALLY GROSS KISSING SOUNDS!
Tasha: Okay, so we may have spied on them a bit. They were totally making out. TOTALLY.
Tasha: And then we cleared out of the apartment and I'm 100% sure that they're getting it on now!!!!!
Tasha: ISN'T IT FABULOUS!??!!??!???!?!!?!
Tasha: Allie? Allie, are you still there?
Allie: KURT WELLER, YOU IGNORANT SLUT, DON'T YOU DARE FORGET TO USE A FUCKING CONDOM THIS TIME
Allie: I'M SERIOUS KURT
Allie: STOP FOOLING AROUND WITH JANE AND LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING PHONE, KURT
Allie: WRAP IT UP, YOU IGNORANT SLUT! YOU DON'T WANT 2 – OR MORE! – OOPS BABIES IN ONE YEAR!
Allie: PULL OUT!!!!!!!
Allie: I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THE 'NO BABIES' PART, KURT!
Allie: If you get her pregnant before I pop out your first little crotchfruit, I'm coming over and performing an unmedicated vasectomy. With a dull plastic spork. See if I don't
Allie: ON YOU. In case that part of the threat wasn't clear
Allie: Well, it's more of a promise than a threat. But still
Allie: And if it's with twins, I'm going to laugh until I cry! YOU HAVE IT COMING!
Allie: (Let's both pretend that I didn't make a very bad pun there by accident)
Allie: BTW, congrats! I'm so glad you two finally got together! Mazel tov!
Allie: But seriously, DON'T FORGET BIRTH CONTROL THIS TIME!!!!!!!!
Apologies for the short chapter, the next chapter will be longer to make up for it.
Chapter 4: The One Where Tash Ignores Good Advice
Allie: He's not answering his texts, Tash, can you go back over there?
Tasha: STOP TRYING TO COCKBLOCK THEM, ALS.
Tasha: The Secret Service already did that.
Tasha: Seriously, that's a story I've *got* to tell you next time you're in town or I'm out in CO, don't let me forget.
Tasha: But NO.
Tasha: I'm not going to ask Reade to turn the car around and go back.
Tasha: WTF is wrong with you for suggesting that?!?!?!?!
Allie: He’s one of my best friends and he can’t take care of himself
Allie: His walls have walls
Allie: And he can’t think straight when Jane’s going all wrecking ball on his defenses
Allie: And I just wanted to make sure that he's not being stupid again
Allie: Stupid in a "bouncing 9 lb, 8 oz oversized bundle of joy, that poor vagina will never be the same again" sort of way, if you get my meaning
Tasha: Eh, we left condoms on the kitchen counter, dining room table, coffee table, and his bed before we left.
Tasha: Patterson's very thorough.
Tasha: And carries a surprising number of condoms with her, btw.
Tasha: Seriously, what on earth is she doing carrying around a 50-count box with her? In her purse. WHO DOES THAT????
Tasha: I mean, obviously not you, as we've all figured out by now
Tasha: BUT ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL FABULOUS THING!!?!?!?!?!?
Allie: It is. And super hot. Can't you just picture them?
Allie: I wouldn't mind being the filling in that sandwich. Well, not now of course. 80 pounds from now
Tasha: Super ewwww. I may have to vomit.
Tasha: If I do, I'm telling Reade it's your fault. You know how he is about his car.
Tasha: WTF is wrong with you, don't make me picture my co-workers having sex. Don't make me picture you having sex, especially with my co-workers. Don't make me picture anyone I know having sex!
Tasha: EWWWW. I really need some mental bleach now.
Allie: Oh, like you wouldn't volunteer as tribute there
Allie: Don't act like you've never got it on with a co-worker or three, Tash
Tasha: But I haven't!
Allie: Wait, really? For real?
Allie: But but but but but
Allie: Does not compute
Allie: Your cop partner
Allie: That cutie at the 6th that you flirt with all the time?
Tasha: Flirting's not fucking.
Allie: I may have to stitch that on a sampler at some point, that's fucking poetic
Allie: But… SERIOUSLY?!??!?!?!?
Allie: READE?!?!?!? ?
Tasha: N. O. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Tasha: What is that even supposed to be?
Allie: Please allow me to elaborate, please please please please please
Allie: I can't believe I have to explain facials to you, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Tasha: You do know that's (a) not what that emoji's for?
Tasha: And (b) that's not what that word's for?
Tasha: AND NO, OF COURSE NOT!
Tasha: What the hell is wrong with you? Reade and I are not like that! Neither of us would ever!
Allie: Yeah, keep telling yourself that
Allie: Reade would, he really really would. Hell, he's done it before, I know he doesn't have any qualms at all about getting it on with a coworker. Plus, he’s 110% in love with you, in case you haven’t noticed
Tasha: DA FUQ???? ALLIE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY POOR PARTNER?
Allie: Not me for once
Allie: Have you forgotten how badly I scare him?
Tasha: I was starting to wonder if it was a "once bitten, twice shy" thing. Like how kids don't get scared of dogs until after getting bit.
Allie: Is that your way of calling me a bitch?
Tasha: No. Rabid.
Allie: Eh, I've had my shots
Allie: I've had more than my fair share of shots
Allie: DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW MANY SHOTS YOU GET WHILE PREGNANT?
Allie: Don’t do it, save yourself!
Allie: And you know I'm more into scratching than biting
Allie: You've seen Kurt shirtless in the locker room after a great night, you should know better!
Allie: But seriously…
Allie: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????
Allie: No, I don't believe you
Allie: Um… so um… I um… is there something you want to tell me, Tash?
Allie: Like… when you said that Patterson would have a problem with the idea of you and Roman…
Tasha: I mean, Roman wasn't a coworker, but no.
Allie: That's not what I was asking. I'm trying to be polite for once. WORK WITH ME HERE
Tasha: ??? You're not making any sense.
Allie: Oh, for fuck's sake, Tash. This is why I don't do tactful. This right here
Allie: Pick the appropriate word to finish this sentence – I, Tasha Zapata, the most sexually frustrated FBI agent alive right now that Kurt's getting his freak on, really love dick/pussy
Allie: or ?
Tasha: Wait, you think I'm sleeping with Patterson!??!?!?!
Tasha: Again, N. O. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Tasha: 1) Still not a lesbian, thanks for asking. I actually really do appreciate the tact you used here.
Tasha: 2) I don't shit where I eat.
Tasha: 3) So no getting it on with coworkers!
Allie: And this is why you have such a dismal sex life
Tasha: It's not dismal!
Allie: Un-huh. Remind me again the last time you got laid ?
Tasha: Fuck you.
Allie: Sounds like I'm not your type, sorry
Tasha: You are seriously the most irritating person I know. KEEP IN MIND THAT I KNOW MATTHEW WEITZHOLE. YOU ARE WORSE THAN HIM EVEN. YOU MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD IN COMPARISON. STOP THAT.
Allie: You already know what I'm going to advise, and I already know that you're going to ignore me, but here it goes anyhow
Allie: YOU SAVED THE FUCKING COUNTRY, TASHA
Allie: You DESERVE good dick , Tash. You've fucking EARNED IT
Allie: You NEED a reward for a good job!!!!
Allie: And probably a fucking shit-ton of stress relief
Allie: And Reade does too. Well, not dick , but sex
Allie: So either you DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT , or you drag him out to a bar and you both find non-co-worker types
Allie: Put him out of his misery by either finally admitting your own feelings or letting him down once and for all
Allie: And this is where you're going to ignore my good advice
Tasha: Can't do the bar thing, can't drink, on pain meds.
Allie: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT FUCKING SHOT AND OUGHT TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL
Allie: Oh, there's an idea! Go find a cute doctor! I mean, hospital beds are a bit narrow and squeak a lot, but you DO need to see a doctor!
Allie: But you're going to ignore that advice too, because that's what you do
Allie: Can you at least promise me you're going to take it easy for the next few days?
Tasha: Reade's insisting I stay with him until the stitches come out. I'm sure he's going to be overbearing about taking it easy.
Allie: HALLELUJAH, at least one of you has common sense! LISTEN TO THE MAN
Allie: Now, you go have fun – or not – with Reade, I've got to run
Allie: Date night with Conor
Allie: After all, at least one of us ought to get a good dicking tonight
Tasha: ALLIE, YOU'RE EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT!
Allie: Good job, you can still count! Well done, you!
Tasha: Is that safe????
Allie: Define 'safe'. I mean, it's not like I can get more pregnant
Tasha: EWWWWWWWW. Didn't need to know that.
Allie: I'm joking. I make him cumin a bowl on the bedside table
Tasha: I don't want to know.
Tasha: But wait what?
Allie: There's no point in us wasting $$$ on condoms right now and I appreciate having a nice, clean, spunk-free bed. I mean, who doesn’t? Sweat's one thing, but I draw the line at cum-soaked sheets. No thank you. I'm also not about that salty protein-packed facial life right now. No cum-soaked me either.
Tasha: OH MY GOD. WHY DO YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS. WHY. WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU????
Allie: Oh, like you don't
Tasha: I can't even. What. Huh. I don't know what to say to any of that.
Tasha: Other than – are you putting those emojis in every time, or does your autocorrect know just how nasty your mind is?
Tasha: We just pulled up to Reade's building, so I'm just going to say good night.
Allie: 'Night! Don't do anything I wouldn't!
Allie: Which isn't much!