Work Header

Innocuous Innuendo

Chapter Text

Tony had known it was going to be a weird day the moment he woke up. He didn’t usually do mornings, but here he was, awake and alert before the sunrise.

He ambled down to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Clint was at the counter, pouring himself a bowl of cereal and Steve was tucked into the chair at the end of the table, deeply engrossed in some boring-looking book.

“You’re up early,” Clint said.

“You’re a very lucky man,” Tony said. “Today, I have decided to grace you disgusting morning people with my presence.”

Clint snorted and reached into the fridge for the milk.

Tony eyed the breakfast foods set out on the counter. Clint’s cereal looked like cardboard, the protein bars looked even worse, and he probably shouldn’t touch the Poptarts if he wanted to live. But, hey, there was a banana in the fruit bowl.

“Hey, don’t touch that,” Clint said, without turning from the fridge. “That’s my banana.”

Steve let out a bark of laughter and both Clint and Tony turned to stare at him.

“Sorry,” Steve said. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not funny, it’s just…I’m sorry.” He pulled his book up in front of his face.

Clint and Tony exchanged a glance. Clint just shrugged.

“So, where were we?” Tony said.

“You were touching my banana.”

Steve burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggling.

Clint sighed. “Okay, what the hell did you do to Steve?”

“Me?” Tony protested. “Why are you blaming me? It’s not even my fault.”

“It’s always your fault, somehow.” Clint snatched the banana back and began slicing it onto his cereal.

“Rude,” Tony said. “How was I supposed to know? You didn’t write your name on it or anything.”

“If you woke up earlier, you would know I eat a banana every morning,” Clint said.

“Oh god, oh god,” Steve said, the giggles intensifying.

“That’s it,” Tony said. “What the hell are you reading, Cap? Some kind of joke book? Because I know you can’t be laughing at me.”

Steve coughed and looked away. “It’s nothing, Tony. I’m sorry.”

But Tony knew evasion when he saw it. Steve was hiding something and if there was one thing Tony loved more than teasing Clint, it was getting up in Steve’s business.

He settled into the seat across from Steve. “Come on, Cap. What are you looking at? Wardrobe malfunctions? Those statues with really big dicks?”

Steve made a choking sound. “No, Tony.”

“C’mon, let me see.” Tony tipped the book towards him. No pictures. So disappointing.

Steve yanked the book closer. “Go away, Tony. I’m trying to read.”

But Tony had seen something shiny and metallic behind the book and his hand darted out, snatching up Steve’s tablet. “Oh ho ho,” he crowed triumphantly. “Our favorite fossil has a thing for tech after all. I’m so proud.”

“Tony, no,” Steve protested. “Give it back.”

Tony darted out of his reach. “Have you discovered the wonders of porn yet? I bet you’ve been into-”Tony’s eyes skimmed over the screen. “Holy fuck,” he said. This was not what he had expected. Not at all.

Steve’s face flushed a bright red. “Can I have my tablet back now?” he said in a small voice.

“What?” Clint asked eagerly. “What’s he been reading?”

"Apparently, something about Harry Potter’s banana hammock.”

“What the fuck?”

Steve whimpered. “I didn’t mean to,” he said. “But everyone was telling me I should get the books on e-reader so I brought up a website and...and…”

“And you stumbled into the fan fiction porn versions.”

Steve nodded. “Unfortunately.”

Tony clapped him on the back. “I question your taste in porn, but at least you’ve found something. Progress, my good man, progress. I’ll introduce you to the good stuff later.”

Steve groaned and dropped his head onto the table.